Chapter 153

The Bobby-Thing Scam

Gloom-glower

If my goblins didn’t want to get out of my way, then so be it. They just had to deal with stomped toes and bruised shins and kneed ribs. If the king was walking with haste, they should know better than to stand in my way. I didn’t care how crowded it was, or if there was room to make way. They knew how to treat almighty me. If they didn’t, if they were up and coming young ones, then they were learning first hand. Moving through my horde of goblins was like wading through mud! It was taking forever to cross my ship.

When I saw the human, I almost foamed at the mouth. How dare he! At least he was by himself. I didn’t like being outnumbered.

Goblins scrambled out of the way between us.

“It’s been a while, Hawkman.”

I beckoned him, and led him to my deckhouse.

“Sit,” I spat. “Beer and grounds, Stub-toes!”

“Yes, my king.”

“I’m good on beer,” said Hawkin. “Thank you, Stub-toes.”

“You’re here because you have a problem,” I said. “Out with it.”

“How’d you know?”

“After I overwhelmingly defeated you during the great battle of the King on the Coast, I told you I would never see you again. For years now, you’ve been dealing with my snots. Why else would you seek out the sea’s finest royalty if you didn’t have a problem?”

Hawkman looked shocked. “Defeated me?” he said.

He suddenly leaned back and tilted his head like he was receiving whispers. There wasn’t a soul beside him. Maybe humans had small brains, and they had to work to think. No wonder goblins conquered the seas!

“I can’t produce any more beer,” he said.

I turned my back to him and froze. I could feel my eyes bug out from their sockets, because I could suddenly see more of the room. Oozy dread bloomed from my stomach pit. I massaged my trembling knuckles.

Fish were getting harder and harder to scrounge up near the coast. Some ships had to sail to deeper water, and I did not like that at all. The further the ship, the safer they felt whispering mutinous blasphemies! All I had was beer. If that were gone, how would I sedate my goblins? What terrible timing when the chance of mutiny was on the rise again. Already it was back up to 55%. All that work for nothing! …But without beer, it would skyrocket.

I wheeled around. “Fix the damn problem and get to brewing!”

“It’s the boppin-flaggin-tuggin,” said stupid hawkman.

“The what?”

“Huh, some of your goblins didn’t know what it was either. But they are so very far beneath you. I was certain a legendary goblin king like yourself would know what a boppin-flaggin-tuggin is.”

This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.

“Oh, yes, yes! The…bobby…”

“Boppin-flaggin-tuggin.”

“That’s the one! Obviously I would know what it is. It’s for making beer, and it’s important.”

“Exactly right,” said Hawkin with a smile. “Alas, ours is broken.”

“Well we definitely can’t lend you one,” I said, patronizing his smile back at him. “You broke yours, so how could I trust you with something so precious?”

“I bought it from a goblin a long time ago, and I’m afraid it’s too complex for me to fix on my own.”

“You’re trying to scam me.”

“Of course not. Here, I brought an extra strong spit beer just for you. Extra grounds in it.”

Stub-toes dove for the bottle and poured me a nice full tankard.

“Well pluck my nose hair!” I said. “This is fantastic!”

“The goblin I bought the boppin-flaggin-tuggin from left me instructions on how to fix it.”

“You really think I’m a fool.”

“The instructions said to fix it with as much material as you can as fast as you can.”

Hmm. If humans had such small brains, they wouldn’t come to that on their own. WAs this human being truthful with me? This whole thing was now quite plausible. That means there really is a threat to my supply of beer. By Peg-tooth, it would have been better if he were trying to scam me!

“What was the name of the goblin?” I said. “The goblin that sold it to you.”

“Uh…” said Hawkin, and he cleared his throat. “I’m really bad with names. Give me a moment to try and remember…” He tilted his head back again like he was trying to pick up whispers. “That’s right! It was Double-thumb.”

Stub-toes startled me when he spoke up. “Oh my, Double-thumb perished during the winter, my king. I never knew he had such talent.”

“Of course not, Stub-toes! That’s your problem, you don’t care enough about the little guys to get to know them. Why of course a goblin like, uh, who was it again?”

“Double-thumb,” said Hawkin.

“Yes, Double-thumb. Such a craftsman, he was.”

“I remember he said that if I ever had trouble, Slime-tooth could help. He said that with the right goblin know-how, it could get fixed in just over a day and some. Otherwise, for a human like me, it might take years.”

Well there we go, some good news! I had one of those; I had a Slime-tooth. The problem was therefore fixable. However, this was also bad news.

“I can’t spare him,” I said. “If something were to happen to my Slime-tooth, I’d have no way to make ptooey and spit beer. I’ll have my goblins ask around and if anyone else knows how to handle a…”

“Boppin-flaggin-tuggin,” said Stub-toes.

“For Peg-tooth’s sake, that’s what I was about to say. Keep your trap shut, Stub-toes!”

“I’m afraid Slime-tooth is the only one that can help,” said Hawkin. “We risk breaking it permanently if the wrong goblin gets their hands on the job. And besides, Slime-tooth can barely stand. I doubt he'd be able to produce any beer for you in the time he’d be spending away. You won’t even notice he’s gone.”

Wait, what did he say? I squinted at him and cocked my head. I watched him gulp real big. How did Hawkman know how Slime-tooth was doing? Was it the Thrush monster? Was he still coming around? Has Hawkman been sneaking aboard one of my ships to talk to Slime-tooth?

Hawkin waved his hands like he was erasing air. “Uh, I mean, I’m sure Slime-tooth is working so hard—just like all your goblins—that he’s gotta be spending at least a few days collecting ptooey before he can brew any beer. So fixing my boppin-flaggin-tuggin should hardly affect his production schedule. If anything, he might make it work better than before, so you could get more beer even faster.”

Who did this human think he was? This was a scam! He thought he could scam something from me. I’m not giving him my bobby-thing, nor...

“Absolutely not. I won’t let you borrow Slime-tooth. I don’t like where this is going. Fix your…uh…uh…”

“Boppin-flaggin-tuggin, your majesty,” said Stub-toes.

“One more word out of you Stub-toes, and I’ll wrap your own intestines around you like a garland!” To Hawkin I said, “You need me a whole hell of a lot more than I need you!”

Hawkin didn’t seem to care. “No, we don’t need you at all. But if you want beer, we need Slime-tooth’s help.”

“Don’t cross me, human. If I don’t get beer, I can’t control my goblins. And I won’t lift a finger when they come circling your purple wall and burn up the forest around it. Now get to work and brew me my beer!”