Chapter 144

Boggo’s Plan

The crescent moon lay a dim light on the sails and the fleet and the sea. For a bestie, it was the perfect light. I could see everything in great detail. Most goblins were asleep. Aside from manning the helm, there wasn’t much need for anything else. Stumble-not and I had to work quickly!

In the deckhouse, I blew on my sore and burning hands. I had been carving all night, and I had to shake them off before I climbed up the door, and jiggled the handle open. I plopped back down and opened the door for Stumble-not. The goblin waddled in, carrying a huge wooden sculpture. Well, it was huge for me; it was as big as Gabby. Gabby was halfway between the biggest bestie and the Stumble-not. The goblin giggled.

“You promise?” I said. “You promise you’ll go along with it?”

“Promise!” said Stumble-not.

“And you’ll distract—I mean, talk to Barnacle-eyes about what character she would choose if she played our finalized board game? If she’s up?”

“I bet she’d have a blast!”

“As long as it’s not aimed at me. Oh, and mention the warlics and the wonoins. That should keep her busy—I mean, brainstorming.”

“Aye, Aye, temporary Captain!”

“Shh! …All right; next order of business. Let’s set it down right here.”

Stumble-not said the sculpture down. It was crude, but it was my best carving yet. All my practice on really small game pieces over the past few months had honed my skills and they shone in this beautiful rendition of Slime-tooth. I made him extra godly with a cape and a kind poise. On a square of canvas before the statue, I lay a few dreambons and some crystals and some cracked dice. Stumble-not added a few pieces of raw garlic and onion.

“Won’t hurt if I leave something, right?” said Stumble-not. “Just in case.”

“Sure, buddy. All right. Go wake up some goblins and act all surprised and stuff like I showed you.”

Stumble-not raced out of the deckhouse. I hid in a corner by the bestie tunnel hole behind barrels. The goblin returned only a few moments later with a handful of goblins.

“See!” said Stumble-not. “What did I tell you? Out of nowhere, a Slime-tooth shrine!”

“We’ve been blessed!” said a goblin.

One of the goblins lunged for the dreambons and crystals and onion and garlic. I patted my chest, softly cleared my throat, and used my Slime-tooth voice which I had mastered over many campaigns where goblins needed guidance.

“Hold it right there, buddy!”

The goblin halted in place like a confused frog. His gaze darted around the ceiling. Was my voice off? Maybe I needed to go harder on a more goblin-y Slime-tooth.

“Halt, snots! Put everything back where you found it!”

“Slime-tooth?” said a goblin. “Is that you?”

“I am here in spirit!”

“Yeah, he’s here.” said Stumble-not. “Trust me.”

“Thank you, Stumble-not. Now please go give my best blessings to the Admiral.”

Stumble-not left the deckhouse. The goblins fell to their knees and offered a handful of loot. There was a clump of hair, some copper coins, a few nails, a leather pouch, and a pocket. Then they backed away and looked all around the room.

“I accept your offerings! They make me a happy goblin god!”

“Slime-tooth!” said another goblin. “Can I be promoted? What’s it like being a god?”

“Young snot, I need more offerings!”

“What kind, my god?”

“Pickled shark eyes.”

“That’s Knot-knuckles! Can we offer something else?”

“Sure. I mean—Of course, snot. Anything!”

The goblins left in a panic. They tripped themselves over, and they climbed over each other. They wrestled out of the door, and then soon returned with even more goblins. Each one was in awe as they left an offering at ‘The Slime-tooth God Shrine’ as they called it.

They left crushed grasshoppers which must have been collected from the raised beds, pieces of garlic cut apart with teeth, the toggle of a backpack whose threads must have torn apart….

Then the questions began. They asked about promotions and Fable Stones, and they had wishes and desires to rise through the ranks of goblin freebooters. Goblins came and went, offerings were piled upon offerings, and questions were begged. But there was no sign of Knot-knuckles.

Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

“Okay, I grow weary, snots. I leave you with a blessing while I meditate. But fear not, I’ll be right back.”

I skittered through the tunnel, down to the cargo hold, further below deck, and to the corridor between quarters. I climbed across the ceiling and stalked into Knot-knuckles quarters. More than a dozen goblins were there sound asleep. I squeezed behind a barrel filled with coiled rope.

In Slime-tooth’s voice I said, “Wake up!”

The goblins bolted up.

“This is the spirit of Slime-tooth. Come to the deckhouse immediately. I need your aid!”

The goblins turned their heads like they were just a bunch of leaves in the wind. Yeah, they were just startled awake, but time was of the essence! I needed to shake them of their bleariness.

“Come receive your blessings from your ultimate goblin god, Slime-tooth!”

Their ears perked up, they stumbled out of their bedrolls, and then they trickled out of the room. The last to fall in line was Knot-knuckles.

“Wait, Knot-knuckles! Bring the jar.”

Knot-knuckles looked straight at the ceiling. “Is that really you?”

“It is really me. Are you really Knot-knuckles?”

“Of course! Can’t you see me?”

“I can see you, but I’m not convinced you’re the real Knot-knuckles.”

“I can prove it. It’s my name. Isn’t that proof?”

“Show me one jar and I’ll believe you.”

Knot-knuckles dropped to his knees before his loot chest. He fumbled with the lock. I heard the click of the lock and then the jingle of the latch. He flipped the lid and pulled a jar straight out.

“Oh, hell yeah!” I said, braving a peak. “I mean, Knot-knuckles, one of my favorite goblins! It is you! Meet me in the deckhouse. And bring the jar.”

He stuffed the jar into his hammered flower backpack and sprinted out. Once the coast was clear, I scampered out of the room, skittered up the wall, and bolted across the ceiling. I followed bestie tunnels to the deckhouse. There was another throng of goblins there, and the pile of offerings was impressive. Leaves and giant shredded trumpet flower petals hung over Slime-tooth’s shoulders. There were coins in his palms and stuffed into the space of his mouth.

I was out of breath, and I plopped onto my back, halfway through the hole.

“Welcome…to my shrine…” I panted in Slime-tooth’s voice.

They asked about other goblin gods. Most of them wanted to know what was in store for them. What did the future hold? Could they receive lifelong blessings?

“What is your name?” I said.

“Rasp-throat.”

“Bless you Rasp-throat.”

From then on, all the goblins wanted blessings. I endured. Oh boy did I endure all the blessings! I gave out so many! At last, having been the last to arrive, Knot-knuckles approached.

“Knot-knuckles! Thank the gods you came! I mean, thank…just me…your god…You’re, uh, one of my favorite goblins. Now step up to my shrine and look at my face.”

“Slime-tooth? Am I really? Wow, I can’t believe it!”

“Would you like a blessing?”

“With all my green heart.”

“Leave that jar with the rest of the offerings.”

Knot-knuckles pulled the jar out of his backpack and approached the shrine. The sound of his footsteps stopped halfway. I cursed into my palm.

“Actually,” said Knot-knuckle. “Instead of a blessing, could you help me with something?”

“I will help you with a blessing. Now put the jar down, and step away from the altar.”

“Do you know Remember-not? The really pretty one who looks at stars?”

“Sure do. She’s another one of my favorite goblins.”

“Really? Her too! You see, she’s the very first goblin girl I ever liked.”

I froze. I stifled a gasp. “...You like Remember-not?”

“Who wouldn’t like her?”

“Yeah, but do you like-like her?”

“I’m scared to talk to her, but I’m also scared that I’ll miss my chance to talk to her if I don’t talk to her soon. Please, my Slime-tooth god, what do I do?”

This wasn’t a game anymore. I had to tread carefully. This was Knot-knuckles’ life! I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else to get in the way of Ella and me when we met. I couldn’t do that to Knot-knuckles!

The Hand-O’War creaked as we sailed on. The sails fluttered in the wind. Excited goblin chatter filtered through the doorway. Ugh, I couldn’t tell Knot-knuckles to do one or the other! It just wasn’t my place.

“Uh, Slime-tooth god, are you still here?”

“Hold on, I’m thinking.”

“She’s really nice and smart and funny. And she’s even on her own quest path.”

Oh, elder besties, what would Slime-tooth do? What would he say? Okay, what if this was a campaign? How would I guide the goblins? I had to channel the best of Slime-tooth!

Here goes!

“Listen closely.”

“I’m listening!”

“If you sneeze from both ends, you go nowhere.”

Because it was so quiet, I peeked around a barrel. Knot-knuckles was staring at the ceiling, and his eyes were slowly going wide. They went wider and wider, and his eyes were darting as though a million things were passing through his mind at once. The whole while, he was intaking a giant breath. He let it out and dropped to a deep bow.

He approached the shrine and set the jar down. “Thank you, my god. Through your wisdom, I know what I must do now.”

What a relief. If he hadn’t come to that decision on his own, I don’t think I could keep this jar.

“And thank you for being Barnacle-eyes’ mentor, and for letting her hire me. I’ll share your wisdom with all the snots. Hopefully I’ll be an Admiral some day.”

Knot-knuckles closed his eyes for a moment. Then he turned and left.

I snagged the jar and scurried back to the tunnel. With very sore arms, I hefted the jar all the way up to the crow’s nest.

My arms were killing me. My hands were worn out and burning. I was once more out of breath.

Ella was snoring softly. I was beyond excited, but I just couldn’t bring myself to wake her up. Gah, I had been through so much! I couldn’t believe my plan worked! What a perfect night for such a plan.

Moonlight fell upon the jar filled with eyeballs.

“What are you all looking at?” I whispered.

I followed their dead gazes. Giant plant life filled the deck. Goblins were settling back to sleep. Knot-knuckles was wringing his hand and talking with Remember-not. She pirouetted and giggled, and she pointed at the stars.

I pushed the jar into the shadows. “Let’s give them some privacy.”