Chapter 156

Goblin Behavior

Barnacle-eyes

Chance of Mutiny: 47%

My head felt like I’d absorbed one too many skill books in one sitting. I was feeling one too many not-so-good feelings all at once too, like my heart wanted to level up. But it felt more like it was leveling down instead. While I thought I heard a knock on the deckhouse door, I just concentrated on the feeling of the wood table against my forehead. I sighed.

There was a knock again.

Gabby trotted up beside me. “Admiral, please thank you. Should I get the door?”

“Hmm? Oh yes, thank you.”

I heard gabby pad across the room, then the sea wind, then a goblin’s feet slapping the floorboards as they entered. I lifted my head and blinked to clear my bleary eyes.

“Lice-louser, come on in,” I said. “What can I do for you?”

Lice-louser flipped a bailing bucket over and plopped himself down. “Gimme a promotion,” he said.

“A promotion? I’m not giving out promotions right now.”

“Why not? You make boats really fast. You could make a ton of boats and promote everyone aboard.”

“It doesn’t work like that. I have to follow my Admiral quest path. As my fleet evolves, I can add more boats. That’s when I build the ones I need.”

“Sure, sure. But what about me?”

“I keep a list of everything everyone does. When it comes time for promotions, I take that list into consideration. It’s the fairest way.”

“Who are you to decide what my snots deserve? If you’re not gonna give it to us, then I guess we’re gonna have to take our promotions from you.”

What did he ‘his snots’? Oh, Peg-tooth. This is what Boggo had been telling me. So it was true after all. He had warned me that Lice-louser had started a faction. Now the head of that faction was boldly staring me right in the face. His snots must have encouraged him.

But I was still Admiral. “Promotions are not for taking,” I said. “They’re for earning.”

“We heard Gloom-glower’s goblins are getting lots of promotions.”

“Gloom-glower only promises promotions so he can take them away the very next day for whatever reason. Like if you cough wrong.”

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“We heard he doesn’t just hand out measly promotions like you do. His goblins get super ultra rare promotion packages! And they come in big, shiny, special boxes, too!”

“All he has to offer are beaten up boots that he took back from demoted goblins.”

“How would you know?” he said. “Have you ever given out a promotion package?”

“I don’t give out something I don’t—”

“I didn’t think so! You’re just taking the promotion out of the box and keeping all the other amazing stuff in there for yourself. And everybody knows the box is the best part! Your Commodores and Captains never complain that something’s missing, cause they never got their packages in the first place!”

“But you said I don’t give promotion packages, and now you’re saying that I do,” I said. “I don’t give away packages. I never did. I give promotions with promotion boots, and sometimes a Fable stone, and sometimes a loot chest, and I always give out coin and canvas dresses and backpacks to all my crew members regardless of promotions. That’s a lot more than I ever got.”

“Exactly! Only sometimes a Fable stone. That’s cause you’re a Fable stone hoarder!”

I scrunched my face at him. The way he spoke to me went deep. Everything he said reminded me of all the ways I used to feel working for GLoom-glower. The way that he looked at me, like I was the source of his misery, stunned me. I didn’t know how to respond.

“Wow,” he mockingly drawled. “Mute for once. I can finally hear myself think. Maybe you’ll shut up long enough to listen to me for a change. While you’re over here hoarding everything for yourself, Gloom-glower is over there making promises to all his goblins. He’s making promises left and right and even below deck. Where are your promises, huh? You’re probably hoarding those too.”

I slapped the table and stood. “That’s enough. Listen—”

“Please thank you,” Gabby said quite sternly.

“Yes,” I said. “Please listen, Lice-louser. King Gloom-glower is a master at keeping goblins under his toe. What good are promises if you can’t keep them? They just turn into false promises. I’ve given a lot of promotions over the months. And I share all our profits. That’s the reality of the situation.”

Lice-louser shook his head. “It’s all just talk with you. Talk, talk, talk, that’s all you do. Well it’s not going to work this time. We don’t want your stupid reality, we want promises!”

“I just promoted ten Captains a few weeks ago!”

“Hoarder! You’re a good for nothing hoarder! I knew coming to you was a waste of time.”

“Stop speaking to me like that! I’m supposed to be your family.”

“How are we supposed to be a family when you hate goblins? You’re just poaching us off one by one! Ya know what? I’m not gonna fall for any more of your cheesy tricks!”

Lice-louser rose, and he kicked the overturned bailing bucket across the room. He sneered, wheeled around, and stormed out.

“I’m not killing or poisoning anyone!” I said. “Those are all rumors!”

The door slammed shut behind him. I felt a wave of anger heat my blood all the way to my cheeks and eyeballs. I felt blood bloom in my ears. I wanted so badly to follow Lice-louser and to yell at him. I couldn’t because it would look terrible. I couldn’t let my snots see me behave like that. There was another reason why I couldn’t yell at Lice-louser, even though I really wanted to let him have it. I hated being yelled at when I worked for Gloom-glower. Hated it so very much. That’s not how you’re supposed to talk to goblins you care about.

I dropped to the floor. The wood flooring soaked up my tears. I was so unbelievably angry that I couldn’t believe it myself.

I just couldn’t take out that anger on goblins, especially when goblins were just being goblins. I might not be able to change goblin behavior, but I could at least recognize it, and do my best with what I saw. Slime-tooth had something to say about that, didn’t he?

He said…He said…Oh, what did he say? How did it go?

I couldn’t remember! For whatever reason, that broke my heart above all else. I felt my heart shatter. All my boiling anger instantly melted into the same weight in sadness.

I wished with all the pieces of my heart that I could talk to Slime-tooth right now.

Gabby squatted beside me and patted my back. “I’m sorry, Barnacle-eyes.”

And my chance of mutiny rose to 51%.