Chapter 102

Toad Sk’Inn Madness

Thrush

“Barnacle-eyes?”

Amid the hundred goblins, I inhaled to capture the scent of Barnacle-eyes. Every one of the goblins carried unique scents, but it was for the absence of sudden fear that I hunted. She would be the goblin most unafraid of me. She had been here, that I could smell. There was also the smell of dreambon beer, ethereal beer, and Hawkin’s goblin spit beer.

For an inn run by goblins, it was still. I could not see the walls or windows for the stacks of goblins. Twinkling eyes, as many as drops in a rain, twinkled.

“Hello.”

Goblins wailed. Screams of terror lit the inn and rang my ears. Like hail, goblins bounced down ladders. In all the bouncing, ladders fell, and goblins began tumbling up and down rungs. Parts in the crowd revealed tables. A goblin skidded beneath one. Panting, they turned to me and our eyes locked. It screamed.

“I am not here to eat you,” I said.

Two goblins took the pole of a horizontal ladder to their necks. They fell, clutching their throats. Their eyes bulged as they looked at me.

Half of the goblins wailed like cats fighting cats. For all their effort to escape, they could not manage through the door. Every other goblin was left running from wall to wall, scampering across ladders, dangling from rungs, and mewling at window panes. The windows were so covered with goblins, not a single one could bash the glass.

A stool was launched at one of the windows. It hit goblins instead. Those that took the brunt of the stool looked at me and their screams rose.

“It’s attacking!” they cried, and they paddled like swimming cats at the window.

A broom handle seemed to appear out of nowhere. It was shoved into my eye, denting my vision. I gazed down its long length, then at its wielder. She beat my head with the broom handle four times. She bared her teeth and belted a battle cry.

An itch upon my ankle drew my attention. There I found a goblin gnawing into my leg. I grabbed them by the nape of their neck and held them aloft.

“You must be hungry. I get hungry too. I understand.”

The broom wielding goblin said, “Out! Out!”

“Where is Barnacle-eyes?”

“You know Barnacle-eyes?”

“She’s my friend. Best goblin I ever met. She said she’d be the best, and as it turns out, she is.” A moment passed. “I’m Thrush.”

Blood curdling screams continued to sound. The goblin I held by the nape of their neck was running in midair.

“Thrush!” said the broom wielder. “Seller of spit beer? I was expecting an ugly goblin, not a monster bear.”

“There’s a few goblins in my World Mix. Some part of thirteen percent.”

“What? Are you selling spit beer or not?” She turned to the crowd. “Calm it! This is the Thrush, friend of Barnacle-eyes. He’s got all the beer!”

“And smoked fish.”

The goblins settled down in waves. The spreading mention of spit beer was evident by the growing number of lips smacking of thirst. Beaten and bruised by the chaos, goblins gathered around in stacks, rows, columns, and piles.

After introducing herself, Reed-eater said, “Come round. Let’s business. Have a seat.”

I downed two barrels of Anti-gravity beer. “I can sit now.” The stool creaked, but it held together. “There we go.”

A commotion began in the deep of my belly. My stomach squirmed like a python. I knew what was coming. It was going to be a big one. The burp shot up my body and forced my jaw wide. The sound was so loud that goblins toppled off ladders. Two barrels worth of Anti-gravity beer foam erupted from my mouth and gushed out in a silky bubbly flood.

There was so much foam, and it was so high, goblins waved their arms about like they were swimming. Lips began smacking, tongues began slurping, throats began gulping, and goblins began floating.

Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.

Reed-eater, whose legs were rising above her head, held onto the bar. “Yuck, not spit beer. Do you really have spit beer? How long have you been selling beer for the Admiral? Not that I’m curious. We do all right with what we’ve got. Probably expensive too. Why am I flying? Why flying?”

[Merchant Options.]

[You have entered negotiations.]

“Wee!” screamed a passing goblin.

[Merchant’s Bribe. Level 1448.]

[Merchant’s Reason. Level 1818.]

[Merchant’s Flirt. Level 212.]

[More…]

Let’s give flirt some attention.

“Going up!” said a levitating goblin.

“Coming down!” said a sinking one.

As the effects began wearing off, Reed-eater slowly returned to her feet in the settling beer foam.

“My, what pointy ears you have,” I said.

“What?” Reed-eater said. “Me? What?”

“Your ears are pointy.”

Reed-eater went wide-eyed. She cocked her head and tried to look at one of her own ears from the corner of her eyes.. With a crunchy fingernail, she began clearing out that ear.

“You were saying?” she said, smiling. Her smile showed teeth in the shape of a shipwreck.

“My, what smile you have.”

“Yes, it’s nice, nice, nice…But tell me about my ears some more.”

“Your ear hair…”

“Yes?”

“Long and coarse.”

“...Yes?”

“...Wiry.”

Reed-eater twirled her ear hair round with a finger. She batted her eyelashes and said, “Yes?”

“Crusty.”

Another goblin fell from on high and landed between us. They got up, looked at me and said, “What about me?”

Reed-eater shoved the goblin away. “That’s enough. Thrush and I are doing business. Out of here!” She then turned back to me. “Where were we?”

“Buying beer.”

[Congratulations!]

[Merchant’s Flirt has reached level 213!]

“You know what? I’d love to buy. Problem is, coin be scarce around here.”

“Harder to get your paws on than gems?”

“Lots of jasper, some jade; otherwise, its fish and frog spawn. And lot’s of earwax candles; And pearls.”

“Let me see an assortment.”

It took as long as it took for Reed-eater to amass everything at the bar. After using my Merchant’s Appraisal skill, I found that earwax candles were worth half a silver! Jade was the most expensive item at 20 silver per ounce, followed by jasper at 2 silver per pound. Spawn was negligible. There were pearls too, at ten silver per.

“How many barrels?” I said.

“One full hundred.”

But Reed-eater balked when I suggested that we trade for 40 pearls, 400 lbs. of spawn, 200 candles, 1.5 lbs. of jade, and 200 lbs. of jasper. My aim was to earn 20 silver per barrel.

“Too much! Too much! Your Appraisal skill has got to be wrong!”

My list of Merchant Options came up once more. Since Flirt had worked to begin with, I used it once more. But the first thing to do was to listen, and Reed-eater had said my Appraisal was wrong.

“Is it wrong?” I said. “Let’s try appraising something else. How about I try appraising you?”

Reed-eater took a moment to calculate what I’d said. Then she smiled, cleared her throat, and took a pose.

“I’m ready,” she said.

“Hmm…It’s not working.”

“See? Broken.”

“Well, last time I couldn’t appraise something, it was beyond valuable.”

Reed-eater was the first goblin I had ever seen turn red in the face.

“Well, Mr. Thrush. Never have I been so complimented. Me? Valuable? I like you. I do. You have a way about you. A goblin-ish charm about you. …Knock off two hundred pounds of spawn, and you have a deal.”

[Congratulations!]

[Merchant’s Flirt has reached level 214!]

I began dropping barrels of goblin spit beer from my inventory. Weird colors lit the inn, and sheened on the gloss of goblin eyeballs. Reed-eater commanded a dozen goblins to cart the barrels off, and ordered a dozen goblins to fetch spawn and pearl and jade and jasper and earwax candle. Goblins came to gawk at the impossible colors of the barrels.

“So much spit beer!”

“The Thrush works for Barnacle-eyes.”

“The-Thrush, is Barnacle-eyes still hiring?”

“Would she be able to fix my sloop?”

“Do you think she’d hire Captains too? Is it too late?”

“How long is she staying?”

“Where are you going next? I heard Float-some Barge. Is that true?”

While the questions went on and on, Reed-eater signed on the line of our Merchant’s Contract.

[Quest Complete! Establish 5 new Merchant Contracts.]

[5/5 New Merchant Contracts signed!]

[Reward: Merkul’s Merchant Tent Evolution Stone.]

Candles arrived by the armload. As I began depositing everything into my inventory, I paused to pick up one of the malformed candles. I found myself reflecting for a moment.

Reed-eater had said that coin was scarce. But coin had never been a bother for me. One of my first trades had been for a very similar candle. How far would I have been able to go if I had only traded for coin? How many high-fives would I have missed with Boggo? And Hawkin’s beer would have never been distributed so far into the world of goblins and besties.

It had been clear, on the road in my search for cowbell roots, that coin was very important to humans…But with Hawkin..Hawkin knew how valuable an inventory was to me, and how valuable Barnacle-eyes was just for being herself. He traded his beer for me, and traded space in his woods for my favorite goblin. Those kinds of trades were my favorite.

My system brought me out of my thoughts.

[Use Merchant Tent Evolution Stone?]

[Y/N?]