TO FEEL TRULY LOST AND ALONE

Rei walked the long corridor to the hospital wing, Shinji was on the training field with Kaworu, she would need to train later with Toji but it was mostly training with the rifles it would have been Mari but she was in the emergency room so it would be her instead. She walked up to the glass that led to Asuka's room she'd heard the news, they all had which was that she had lost all sight in her left eye for good which was sad to hear and she knew loosing sight and hearing could effect people.

She walked inside the room seeing that Asuka was half under the cover lying on her side with her eyes closed but she wasn't asleep she could tell as she had the walkmans head phones in and was rewinding track sixteen and going back to fifteen and she was very unaware of her presence. She stepped forward feeling her foot hit something. She looked down seeing Toji's action figure on the floor she leaned down picking it up looking at it before walking towards the red haired woman gently putting her hand on her shoulder to get her attention. "Asuka?"

Asuka pressed stop on the old walkman as she eased out one of the head phones. Rei eased up the action figure. "You dropped this." Asuka watched as she sat it down in front of her. "No I didn't, I have never cared about those kinds of toys anyway their stupid."

Rei looked over she could see the scar running through Asuka's left eye and the milky blue colour along with the pure white pupil she eased the toy up. "I disagree I think it's quite a good likeness to you, I mean they got the pose spot on its very powerful." Asuka breathed in deeply. "No offence Rei but I really I don't give a scheiss." Rei looked in to her good eye she wasn't being rude or even cruel she was just deeply depressed it was a clear as day, she eased up the action figure.

"Okay maybe you don't but you know there are thousands of people out there who really love these toys and there are hundreds of children out there who see these action figures and aspire to be like you." Asuka looked up slightly. "Who would ever want to be like me Rei, seriously?" Rei turned the action figure towards her. "The real question is who wouldn't want to be like you?" She placed the toy back on her bed side table. "I mean your one of the bravest people I know, you give so much to the Evangelion program."

Asuka looked up meeting her soft green eyes. "You're just trying to make me feel better." Rei shook her head. "No Asuka I'm not." She felt a smile form. "You know the younger you would have been all over this and loving every minute off the attention when did stop enjoying your own accomplishments?" Asuka narrowed her gaze. "When I realized that I was unworthy off them because all I do is hurt people in the process of obtaining them, your brother can tell you all about that." Rei shook her head sadly. "You know Shinji has forgiven you for what happened between you two relationship wise." Asuka looked up sadly. "Have you forgiven me?" Rei sat back in the chair. "Yes Asuka, we were all children we were going through hard things, we all made mistakes." Asuka looked down trying to ignore the feeling of anger which was below the surface. "My mistakes made others hate me."

Rei leaned forward realizing right now she was talking to Asuka for the first time in years without any barriers or walls. Maybe it was because Asuka just didn't have the mental strength to put them up right now due to how sad she felt. "I don't hate you Asuka, nether does Shinji or Kaworu." She took in a deep breath not wanting to bring up Mari's name at all as she knew that would just anger the other woman. "A lot of people care about you Asuka and we all just want you to get better and get back in the entry plug and pilot again, it's not the same with out you on the training field."

She put her hands on her knees. "I can also tell you that Toji worships you, you're his idol." Asuka looked up in surprise but the surprise left sharply being replaced only with annoyance. "Idiot had an interesting choice of words for that toy." Rei felt a wide smile form. "Oh come tell me you didn't at least get a small laugh out of that word play?" Asuka looked down sadly honestly she hadn't even seen the funny side at all. Even though deep down inside she knew it was funny, she just didn't know how to laugh anymore the emotion and feeling just weren't there. "Not really."

Rei looked at for a long moment seeing something in the other woman's only good eye it was an intense pain the next thing that went through her mind caught her completely so off guard. She had assumed that the misery and low mood was due to loosing an eye but it wasn't. It looked like some form of deep seated depression that was already there but no one including herself had noticed it maybe because Asuka remained so distant from everyone. "When was the last time you laughed Asuka?"

Asuka narrowed her gaze thinking about that for a long moment. "I don't remember." She raised her hand. "Look you don't have to stay here, just to make me feel better you probably have much better things to be doing with your time than being here with me." Rei sat back as she pulled out a book from her leather bag. "I'm here Asuka because I want to be and I really don't have anything to do, it's that space in the day where I relax you have those times right?"

Asuka laid her head back down on the pillow. "Yeah I normally go and get a caramel milkshake from the Arcade area in side Nerv where they have shops and restaurants, its one of the full dairy ones I can't stand synthetic ice cream. Synthetic meat is one thing but who ever came up with the idea for synthetic dairy should be shot, it tastes vile." Rei felt a smile form as she looked at her. "Well I don't eat red meat so I wouldn't know but I do agree with you on synthetic dairy I only ever drink my honeydew bubble tea with real milk and as you say synthetic really doesn't do much for the taste." Asuka breathed in deeply. "I'd kill for a caramel dairy milkshake right now." Rei opened her book. "You know I could read to you, my German isn't that good but I can read this Japanese book to you, if you'd like."

Asuka eyed her book which was thick and had a hard back cover to protect it. "What's your book about?" Rei eased it up. "History of the world, I was learning about how people lived before the second impact." Asuka raised an eyebrow. "Is it interesting or just depressing?" Rei flipped through the books pages. "Interesting the only depressing parts are all these wars we had, though I know we are still having minor wars but these wars were massive world wars and there were four of them in total. It seemed the angels coming at least gave humanity a central focus after the economy collapsed."

Asuka looked down sadly. "It surprises me that they were able to even get it back at all I mean you'd hardly even notice now or maybe it's because I just forget that Nerv is verfickte rich and they pay me well not to mention that Nerv employees are spoilt rotten down here they just have everything under the sun." Rei felt her smile widen. "Well let me read to you about how the world got back up on it feet then." She flipped through the pages again finding the right place. "You might find it interesting."

8

Blackness and darkness I'm floating I hate this sensation, I can feel a memory coming back to me from so long ago, I thought I'd forgotten it but it's crystal clear. "Play with me." Mari looked at the little red haired girl in annoyance who was much younger than her. "Go away I'm drawing." The red haired girl put her hands on her knees. "Can I see?" Mari eyed her. "Don't you have any patience?"

The red haired girl gave her a wide smile. "No, its just you're my big sister and I like you." Mari breathed in she wasn't much older than this girl there was only three years between them. "We are not genetically related you know, you know your dad is not the same as my dad right? You're basically adopted." She watched as sad look spread over the smaller face as the girl spoke in a hurt voice. "What's adopted?" Mari eyed her feeling a sly smile form. "It means you don't belong to anyone, not even my parents."

That wasn't true at all but right now she wasn't in the mood her younger step sister's stupidity. "It means your parents didn't want you." The memory faded as voices started talking in the distance. "She's coming back…" Mari opened her eyes slowly only to see nothing but blur she groaned putting a hand on her face. "My glasses…give me my glasses…"

Jiro's voice hit the air filled with concern. "You need to lay back and relax Mari, you almost died." Mari eased up her hand as she spoke unable to hold back the anger. "Give me my fucking glasses Jiro, I can't see with out them!" She felt someone put them in her hand as Jiro spoke again. "One of your lenses is cracked." Mari eased on her glasses slowly watching as everything came back into focus and she could make out the hospital room in detail.

She had been taken out of her plug suit and her interfacing head band and her tails were missing so all of her hair was loose. She was wearing a hospital shirt and trousers while thick covers had been pulled over her. "It happens all the time you idiot, it's why I keep lots of spares here and at my home." She turned as Jiro left and Maya and Shigeru entered the room. "Oh great not you people have you come her to fucking gloat."

Maya blinked, great she really didn't need this crap right now least of all from Mari. "You know you're only alive because we went out of our way to save you from dying, so show some damn respect!" Shigeru stepped closer to the hospital bed folding his arms. "We are here because we need to know just what you experienced in side unit 02's entry plug, it's very important because we need to compare your accident to Rei's."

Mari sat up folding her arms. "Great…" Shigeru sat down watching as Maya did the same. "So tell us what happened from the top." Mari breathed in deeply. "It was fine up until three minutes into the activation I got this real tight sensation near my chest it felt like some one was tightening my plug suit but it vanished." She looked down feeling her body tense. "Then it got really cold I felt like I was freezing it was literally like being a bath of ice cubes."

Maya slowly brought up Rei's incident reading it through as Shigeru wrote Mari's incident down on his tablet. "That's interesting because Rei said something similar about her suite but she said she felt like someone was crushing her stomach and it made her feel sick but unlike you she said she felt like her skin was being slowly cooked but like you the LCL temperature was normal at the time." Mari looked up not liking what she had to say next. "Someone spoke to me." Maya looked at her for a long moment. "I heard you say that in the test can you detail this further?"

Mari felt her eyes dart. "It was a female voice like an older woman but it didn't sound right, it sounded really sickly it said the words die with me and it repeated those words twice." She raised her hand. "Then it said you're not my daughter, you're the other girl that's when it all went to shit and my whole body felt like it was being crushed by a massive python and my right arm got yanked back so I couldn't press the self eject on the entry plug and get myself out."

Maya read over Rei's words she had not experienced any speaking only flashing images which were beyond awful and the sensation of her limbs being torn off and eaten. "It seems what you and Rei experienced was very different but she also said that so was so badly distracted that she couldn't self eject. Did you see any imagery, like faces, places?" Mari blinked watching as everything went out of focus and her head started to hurt. She lay back trying to ignore it clearly it was the concussion which had finally kicked in. "It's really fuzzy I just kept on see images of some hospital ward." Maya looked around her. "You mean like this?"

Mari raised her hand pointing at the glass. "Yes and no it had glass just like that and people were looking through but I couldn't see their faces because the images were flashing there was screaming so much screaming I think it was a mental ward, I saw someone come at me they were almost in shadow I just couldn't see their face." She put her hand up to her throat. "This is where it gets really difficult to remember, other than I felt one of their hands on my neck I don't remember much else after that I think I blacked out."

Maya lowered the pad. "You are very lucky Mari unit 02 refused the access codes to eject you it kept you in there for a whole minute longer than Rei experienced but for some reason it just ejected you on its own." She looked up. "After it ejected the entry plug, it still came after you even though it was being powered down. The workers got you to safety they all said you had passed out and the hospital team up here saved your life they said that you were in the danger zone because your brain had been staved to long of oxygen though they say you have no brain damage they still want to keep you in over night for observation and give you drugs to help with the concussion symptoms."

This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.

Mari looked up everything slowly came back in to focus. "Remind me to never ever touch Asuka's shit again." Shigeru finished typing. "I thought that one was obvious." Mari looked around her. "I do hope this room isn't near hers." Maya stood up. "No Mari your not even on the same floor, I personally made sure of that." She looked up as Toji appeared giving her a wave through the glass. "And you have a visitor so we'll be going." Shigeru stood up following her. "Yes have a lot of data to crunch and as usual the two heads are not going to like the outcome, they so badly wanted the test to be successful."

Toji ran in adjusting his black and yellow plug suit as he raised a fluffy cat toy. "Ah there she is, how was being put through the Evangelion meat grinder?" Mari raised an eyebrow. "You know if I didn't like you so much, I would hit you." Toji put the fluffy cat toy next to her turning serious he really liked Mari and he considered her his best friend. They could both relate to each other as they had gone through poverty and knew how if felt it was something the other pilots didn't understand and couldn't relate to yet and it had made them both very close as friends.

His close friendship with her though put him in a very difficult position because Shinji and Rei tended to side with Asuka and Kaworu had a habit of remaining completely neutral in any augment. In that he never picked a side and it made things really hard sometimes because he was also friendly them Mari on the other hand wasn't friendly with them.

She preferred instead to only hang out with him inside and outside work. "I'm so glad you are okay I was really worried about you, you know." Mari took the cat toy looking at it. "I'm fine apart from my head." She breathed in deeply. "I know I'm not going to hear the end of this though. Because I've heard that when the units go crazy they smash up the test area, so unit 02 has probably trashed everything down there." Toji raised a hand. "So you haven't heard then?"

Mari narrowed her gaze as she leaned forward. "Heard what? They just told me unit 02 tried to trash the entry plug bay I was thrown in to." Toji leaned closer to her. "Yeah it did but after that things got really weird, unit 02 kind of lost all of it rage and walked over to the bay window where Shinji and Rei were looking out. It didn't attack them at all it just watched them right up until it was powered down, Shinji was telling me about it and how creepy it was. Now everyone's throwing around rumours about ghosts in the machine and maybe Asuka has some how changed how it works, its crazy I've never seen so many confused people in my life."

Mari looked up meeting his dark brown eyes. "Do you like Asuka?" Toji looked up sharply. "I don't know her, I mean I confess to idolizing her it's why I'm on the program but I have no idea what she's like. She doesn't really talk to me I don't think she's talks to anyone she seems like a loner even though she has friends she doesn't seem to click that they are even her friends and that they care about her, it's kind of sad." He took in a breath. "If you're asking if I consider her more a friend than you, then no I don't, you're my best friend on this program and that's not going to change anytime soon." He raised his hand. "Why do you hate Asuka so much, yeah I get that she's cagey and angry but why try to crack her entry plug like that? I also get that you two don't get along but it's not like you Mari." Mari pulled her knees up wrapping her arms around them as she looked at him. "It's complicated Toji you just wouldn't understand."

Toji put a hand on his chest. "You always say this to me Mari but I'm the one person here who would listen to you and I would never ever tell others your secrets." He put his hands together. "You know you and Asuka are not that different." Mari looked up sharply. "I'm nothing like her she an egotistic know it all, I'll always be better than her."

Toji shook his head. "This rivalry is hurting you Mari you have to see that, it's also making others turn against you and you're putting me in a difficult position. Shinji and Rei are my friends as well and every time you take a chunk out of Asuka I feel more and more like I'm being forced between a rock and a hard place." He looked up giving her his best smile. "Look just think about this is all I'm asking because once you to sort out your differences it will be better for all of us." Mari breathed in painfully. "That's not true and you know it Rei and Shinji don't even like me and I doubt they ever will." Toji raised a finger. "That's where your wrong Mari they do like you they just don't like you trying to grind Asuka in to the dirt."

Mari narrowed her gaze. "I don't believe in that everyone wants to be your friend, shit, people out in the real world are motivated by selfish desires and when your up shit creak with out a paddle there just no where in sight."

She eased off glasses trying to ignore the pain as it twisted a knot in her stomach making her want to cry. "The only reason the British secret service captured me was because my so called best friend sold me out." She gritted her teeth putting her glasses back on. "Fucker basically traded me for reward money and they do really horrible things to you in interrogation things that mess with your mind and body."

Toji leaned forward. "You told me you kind of liked pain, like it sort of gives you an adrenaline rush." Mari wiped a tear away sharply. "Yes I do but I like pain where I'm in control but it wasn't like that in that room all those years ago, I felt like they were going to really kill me and that killed the thrill." She looked down at the floor sadly. "It was the moment that I realized that most people only care about themselves."

8

Asuka could feel herself floating in her dream she was under a red ocean looking up calmly at the surface which didn't scare her for some reason despite that she hated the sensation of normal ocean water. Her whole body stopped moving as a shadowy figure moved downwards towards her the red eyes gleaming as a black clawed hand stopped her from floating upwards as the dark voice hit the air.

"Not afraid of the bloody sea or LCL yet your afraid to drown in normal water explain that to me Asuka, I don't see the sense in it." Asuka eased her hand up realizing that she could no longer see through her left eye even in this dream she turned her body which was dressed in swimming gear which was a two piece. "It's the sensation it's different, bloody impact water feels warm to me so does LCL ocean water is freezing it feels like ice against my skin, I hate it."

Bardiel began to swim around her a circle he looked almost like a large crocodile because how his tail moved. "You don't seem angry about your eye I made you loose your sight even here with in your soul." Asuka moved trying to shift away from him but it felt like struggle under the red waves. "What difference does it make I can't see on the outside so why should I care in my dreams."

Bardiel moved closer so he was with in inches of her face. "Oh you are in a much better mood today and here I thought I'd be hurting you again to get a point across, clearly you get that I'm real and not just in your head." Asuka shifted back. "Yes." Bardiel swung his huge body around enveloping her so she couldn't swim away. "Then I picked the correct child, the others would not have been suitable, you on the other hand have the fight I desire."

Asuka looked at him for a long moment. "If you think I'm going to walk you down to Lilith in the lower bay of Nerv then you can think again I will kill my self before I let you down there. Because that's what you're here for right, to join with him?" Bardiel began to swim around her again. "You human's think in such short minded terms, you have to give things gender even when they have neither, my brothers and sisters think like you it's so irritating also Lilith is not a him more like a mix of both genders." Asuka blinked in confusion. "You don't like gendered terms yet you use brother and sister in reference to the other angels."

Bardiel's eyes moved there glowing red flashing as the dark pupil focused on her. "Believe me I'm only using terms you understand because your species thinks of everything in simple terms like womb and sperm and you yourself would know about that because your one of humanities lesser creations. Born not in a real womb but a manufactured one it is a surprise that human's class another human like you as human because your not. You're just a vessel to show off humanities nature to plays as gods and goddess when science is involved."

He raised a clawed hand. "Science showing off its mastery, it's the reason you were born a girl and have red hair and blue eyes, it's not even natural its engineered cherry picked would be the old human term." He swam around her. "Adam has been very giving to you in this cycle he holds us off far longer because he wants to see the differences that will come from time. He wants to see what its like if when you have more hope and more time if you'll still care when the final impact comes and takes you to places where red crosses form and the world bleeds blood red and you are no longer part of this world." Asuka looked at him feeling even more confused. "This cycle what does that verfickt mean?"

Bardiel swam in a loop coming back down so he was with inches of his face and his tail was nearly touching the surface. "The other versions of you were way smarter about this it's a pity you always forget at the breaking of time yet we remember the motions every time, we remember even though we don't want to." He stayed still. "Maybe the question you should ask yourself is why you repeat the dream on the beach so much even though your not fifteen anymore and your body and mind are that of a twenty three year old."

He swam down bellow her coiling over so he was looking up at her. "The body and mind forget but the soul doesn't no matter how many times it repeats." He flicked his tail upwards. "Also for your adult body you should be most gracious that the one above me changed a certain factor in his own blood just for you, you're still frozen in time from here on in but your not stuck a body of a child in this cycle you you've been able to have adult sexual pursuits."

His mouth formed a cruel smile. "Speaking of which, your pursuits of the green eyed girl Rei are most curious because it makes no sense to your gender." He swam up. "You can have sex but no children humour me why humans would have such a thing even though it serves no real purpose." Asuka felt her body tense. "I'm not explaining it you Bardiel, if you can read my mind you should already know."

The black tail suddenly swung around smacking in to her stomach throwing her backwards. She breathed in trying to take the pain as Bardiel swam back up his huge mouth of teeth grinding together as he spoke coldly. "Thoughts are like reading books, I could spend a life time reading every book you've ever read Asuka but books only tell part of the story we do not know the emotion that comes with them as they are were being written only the emotion we feel reading them, its two very different perspectives on the same thing." He raised a clawed hand. "Hearing the words from you directly is like the writer speaking from there own emotions not from the reader reading and I want to hear your soul hum every word you speak since I'm here for the long term."

Asuka breathed in putting her hand on her stomach trying to ignore the pain. "I can't explain my sexuality to you! Only that I know that's its natural to me and that when I've tried to repress it in the past it made me feel miserable beyond words, I only know that I love both genders and that feels right to me."

Bardiel laughed but it was cold laugh. "Yet you have never really loved, not that real love that your heart desires because you screwed up so badly in the past and that hurts you the most doesn't it?" Asuka eased out her arms going still as the water around her darkened from her own sadness and pain of the truth. "Yes it does." Bardiel swam up going very still in front of her as he wrapped his tail in a gentle manner around her waist. "Desire is only human Asuka but your desires don't have to be limited by flesh and blood, I can give you your desires though me you can be more than this body and will."

Asuka felt a sneer form. "I will never be a part of you." Bardiel mouth formed a sly smile. "One day you will want to be a part of me, you just don't realize it yet." His tail let go as he swim down in to the blackness below her. She swam up wards to the surface only cry out in pain as her head collided with the surface which was now solid ice.

Asuka felt her eyes snap open as her dream fade away and the dark of the room came in to the view she was still on her side and the chair where Rei had been was empty. She realized now that she had fallen asleep while she had been reading to her but she had no idea when. All that was clear was that Rei had kindly put the walkman aside on the table she grabbed the table heaving herself in to a sitting position as she looked down taking hold of it putting one of the headphones back in her ears rewinding back to track fifteen fully only to stop as an odd sensation hit her like she was being watched.

She looked up slowly catching sight of what looked a little school girl with short blue hair and red eyes looking back through the glass at her there was no emotion on her face. She leaned closer truth was she reminded her off Rei, hadn't she once gone through this phase of dying her hair blue and putting in red contacts? Just because she thought Gendo would take more notice of her because then she wouldn't look like her mother Yui.

She raised her hand seeing that the child had not moved or even flinched maybe she was one of the employee's children who had gotten lost or something but still the unwavering stare was really getting to her. Did this kid blink at all? She leaned forward knowing that the kid could hear her because the door to the hospital room was open. "Are you lost?" She breathed in deeply seeing the kid blink for the first time. She was rubbish with children and she knew it, she looked down picking up the half finished bar of chocolate easing it up. "Hey you want some…" She blinked in shock seeing that the kid was gone she slowly lowered her chocolate.

She couldn't hear footsteps going down the corridor away from her just silence she laid back on the bed what was happening to her? She felt so confused about everything right now she put the other head phone in her ear as she began to play the music as she looked up at the ceiling. The truth was nothing made sense anymore in her head and her dreams were the most troubling thing of all they felt so real now and every time the same monster. Maybe she was going crazy, maybe it was this hospital starting to get to her emotionally she just wanted to get out of here so badly the last thing she wanted was to end up going crazy like her mother had.

End of part 9

Silvermoonlight