FEELING THE STRAIN OF LIMBO

Misato eyed Asuka through the glass of one of the general employees wreck rooms she was sitting on a sofa chair dressed in her spare clothes from her locker which consisted of a t-shirt and dark blue trousers as well as black skate shoes and a brown leather belt they'd gotten her patch back some time ago which she was now wearing. Maya had also found her leather jacket along with her phone and wallet as they had been left in another room away from her other clothes which had been destroyed by the explosion which had gone through the other door on the far side of the room and not just their door.

Her teeth had returned to normal and now she was looking very sadly into space while Rei was with her sitting on the other chair opposite just talking with her. She'd never seen Asuka cry not in all years she'd known her yet she had cried for a very long time in Rei's arms. Emotionally she was such a mess yet Rei had just led her out of the room and she'd just followed, Bardiel wasn't kidding Rei changed how she behaved she just seemed to glide past the walls others couldn't get through and Asuka just let her clearly because she loved her though she'd never said it openly.

She breathed in deeply. "Should we tell her about what happened with 02?" Maya looked up. "No it's just too much stress for her she won't handle it well and they've already moved it back to the bay with the others as we don't want a repeat incident I mean they said that 02 even found Asuka's entry plug and put it in its entry plug port on its back before it made the accent."

She shook her head. "This isn't some coding error that thing was alive it was moving with a purpose it clearly wanted to save her, Bardiel said it wasn't him but regardless it makes no sense." Misato looked up as a sad question entered her mind. "Have you ever seen her cry, other than in her sleep?" Maya breathed in sadly. "No this is the first time, this whole thing must have really messed her up so badly. I mean hearing her say to Rei that she didn't want to come back was awful, she must feel like she has no control right now in her life and its just all fallen apart. She can't even make emotional decisions without Bardiel forcing her in another direction and to him it's clearly a sick twisted little game and she's just his play thing."

Kaji looked up at them. "The guy reminds me of one of those predatory creeper's the kind I used to beat up back in university he made my skin crawl having that in your head twenty four seven must be hell. She's always had issues with her self-worth and he must be having a field day yanking her back and forth." Misato raised her hand. "I don't get it though, what's the end game? Why go to these lengths what does he want from her and why the obsession over Rei?"

Kaji looked up. "Asuka loves her very deeply and he's clearly very curious though it's a morbid curiosity over something he just doesn't understand, I would have loved to have known what he spoke to Rei about." Misato breathed in deeply folding her arms. "Wouldn't we all, but he didn't just cut out the sound feed he blew the camera's out as well, he didn't want anyone to know what they both talked about." Maya leaned against the wall. "Rei was brave to even go in there, whatever she said stopped him."

She looked up slightly. "She didn't hesitate when facing Asuka either but then I was checking those feeds again you know the ones Ritsuko missed because she was too focused on Bardiel rather than Asuka. During the delegate display she went to find Asuka and talked to her, she was able to get around her bad mood back then as well." Misato looked up sharply. "Please tell me you copied that disc like my life won't be complete until I see that because Rei wouldn't tell me anything and neither would Shinji." Maya breathed in pulling a disk out of her pocket. "Yeah I knew you were going to say that, so here you go I also added lots of other moments you might find really interesting." Misato took it from her hand giving her a wide grin. "Thank you so much friend you've made my day."

Maya put her hands back in her lab coat pockets. "It's worth noting something else as well Asuka is very gentle towards her, even at her worst she will never cause her harm and she listens to her hell there was even an incident in the pilots wreck room where she gave Rei her graphic novel to keep and of cause she shielded her from a beating. She's changed so damn much in these past five years but this side of her is so new, it's like a whole other person trying to come out it's similar to what Shinji went through and Rei is also still going through." Kaji looked up slightly. "I found the special ops footage the most surprising she just gave up and let that asshole Yuki beat her full on with lightning rods. All I can say is she's got a really high pain threshold most people don't take that kind of beating and remain conscious. It was Kyo who took pity on her and used the rifle to sedate her, he stated openly in his report that he couldn't bear to see someone who he deeply respects in so much pain and agony emotionally and physically."

Misato eyed Asuka. "She's always had a high pain threshold and I've always believed that she likes and even enjoys pain on some level. Mari's kind of similar but she likes it in massive busts to her its more of an adrenaline rush, Asuka though just comes back for more over and over and she loves anything challenging. Maybe that's why it took so long for Bardiel to finally break her emotionally because she just kept fighting back but mentally unlike physically there was only so much she could take before it just got too much and she wanted to bow out."

Kaji eyed her. "Where do we go from here though? I mean Bardiel will be watching our every move now, he's clearly a clever slimy bastard and he's using her eyes like a camera lens so he can see into our world." Maya looked up. "Let's just get her to tell us everything from the start, right back to the UN alpha unit test accident, maybe if she gives us all the details we can somehow find something that will get rid of him."

Misato breathed in deeply. "Yeah but there in lies the biggest problem Asuka never opens up when she's being mentality prodded she gets really cagey and aggressive. I know its because of the trainers back over in Germany when she was young, they were real heavy handed with her in that they just pushed her to make her succeed during the pilot training but they didn't care so much about the mental side and that's why she was so messed up after her mothers death. Not to mention that they fed her with ideas that she was some sort of god hence why she had such issues with massive ego when she first came to Japan years ago. I did try to get her to go to therapy when she was eighteen but it back fired massively and the therapist just got no where with her because she turned aggressive and violent. The only good that came out of it was even though Asuka dropped out Shinji stayed on and we made so much progress with him and he's miles better for it and they were able to help him in such a positive way."

Maya eased up her hand. "I have an idea." Misato looked at her. "You do?" Maya felt a smile form. "Yeah and it just might work." She eased up her hand. "I'll be right back in two seconds then we can all go in there together."

8

Asuka looked up as Misato entered the room followed by the others she looked down at the floor feeling no desire to speak, it just wasn't in her, she felt tired inside and out and her mind just felt so painfully stretched it wasn't like they were going to tell her anything good anyway. Misato looked up meeting her Asuka's good eye as she raised an A4 notepad with paper on it. "Asuka we were just talking and we were wondering if you could help us, you know maybe you could write everything down that's happened to you down from the beginning." Asuka eyed the thick note pad. "Oh please spare me everyone around here knows my written Japanese is crap and you people have to translate my German!"

Kaji stepped forward. "Look we don't mind even if you put it in German, we just want the story from the top." Misato breathed in deeply. "We don't mind doing the translations despite what Ritsuko told you that day when she hit you with the clip board all we do is feed your papers through one of the computer scanners and it retranslates it takes less than a minute then we just reprint copies for the files it's not an annoyance and the staff don't mind."

Asuka eyed her. "Don't you get it? I'm not a writer! I'm not like Toji he can write stories like its going out of fashion I can't I've tried I just stare at the paper and nothing comes out!" Rei stood up slowly she carefully took the pad and pen from Misato's hands. "Can you draw Asuka?" She looked into her good eye. "I mean didn't you draw a lot in school?" Asuka looked at her for a long moment before speaking. "Yeah I did and I still do I use my computer to create digital stuff with a digital pen and tablet but my works are not that good, hence why I don't flash it around I'm not a creative artistic genius like Shinji and I can't make beautiful stunning pottery like you."

Rei moved the pad and pen over to her watching as she took it. "Please draw Bardiel for us." Asuka breathed in deeply as she eyed the black ball point pen as she started to sketch. Kaji eyed her. "Don't you want a pencil?" Asuka looked up slightly. "I don't use pencil." She looked down slowly completing the rough sketch it was more of Bardiel's face she turned it around slowly. "It's just a rough but he looks like this."

She watched as there faces turned to surprise including Rei's. "Yeah I get it he's an ugly bastard trust me its worse when he's following me around I can hear his teeth grinding I think he does it on purpose just to annoy me." Misato moved closer eyeing the image which was an intensely detailed illustrative sketch she slowly took it from Asuka's hands. "You never told me you could draw Asuka or that you were this good."

Asuka eyed her feeling the confusion take over. "What are you talking about? I mean it's just a rough sketch." Kaji eyed her. "This is a rough sketch you've got to be kidding right? I normally see this kind of thing on book cover illustrations the German division never talked about you being creative." Asuka eyed him as she spoke evenly. "The German division didn't like my art when I was a child they hated it, they said it was violent and unsettling."

Maya eyed the sketch. "Asuka do you think you could draw the whole story for us digitally? I mean we can get you one of those top of the range digital scrolls with a holder from the Arcade in either A4 or A3. You know the ones that you can use like a drawing tablet but come with really high spec digital pens and art programs then everything you draw can be uploaded to Nerv's digital cloud database and we can make it so you can even send images from home or on the move."

Asuka eyed them in confusion. "Yes I can but you know you're making way to bigger a deal out of this, no one wants to see my crappy sketches." Rei turned slowly to her. "There not crappy Asuka and I would love to see them." Asuka breathed in deeply feeling slightly out of sorts she didn't really get what they were seeing, she looked up slightly. "Sure I mean I can draw it all out for you and I don't mind buying the digital scroll, pen and holder, I'm not broke it's not like I can't afford it."

Kaji raised his hand. "No we'll buy this for you Asuka, see it as something of a gift from all of us to cheer you up considering what you've had to go through recently." Asuka looked up suddenly feeling pain but it was more from being unused to shows of kindness and it made her feel guilty for loosing it like an utter idiot and trashing property that wasn't hers since she had gone to great lengths to not behave that way anymore. "I'm sorry that I destroyed the ward room today and the gym a few days ago and please tell the owner of the restaurant whose chairs and table I trashed when I leapt the level that I'm really sorry."

She felt the sudden sting of her own tears. "I was just frustrated and angry and I didn't feel like I was in control of things and when I jumped the level I was just so desperate to get away from special ops teams I used to train with those men and women I know what their capable off." Rei moved towards her putting her hand on hers. "It's okay Asuka we know you were feeling angry, I know it's been really hard for you to go through this all on your own."

Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.

Misato looked at Asuka she was so open right now with her emotions there were just no walls or barriers. "Rei's right we don't blame you you've been going through hell, we all saw Bardiel we know what he's like." She looked at her for a long moment before speaking. "Tell me something Asuka when Yuki took you down, why didn't you fight him? I know you hate that guy and that you two have both never gotten on as you loyalty lies with his older brother Kyo but you could have beaten him up so badly."

Asuka looked up slightly. "Because I didn't want to loose control of my anger and kill him this thing Bardiel gave me it's really scares me, he made me inhuman I mean when I get angry my teeth change and my left eye gets brighter I know I'm really powerful I can do things normal people can't."

She lowered her gaze to the floor. "I know younger bratty me would be loving this right now, because it would be like some ego and power trip and about being better than everyone else and thinking that I'm superior because I'd have something other people don't." She looked up. "I'm not superior though and I don't want to be and I hate that Bardiel uses that to stroke my ego like I should be happy about it or even appreciative. I have to be so careful with everything I touch now even my cat Erika when I pick her up and stroke her because I worry if I hold to hard I could hurt her and I have to be so mindful because I don't want to hurt others by mistake."

She looked at her bandaged right hand. "To me this is not a gift it's a curse because I know my anger had always been a problem and I think he wants me to let go though, I think he wants me to become a monster like him." She put her hands together. "That day in the gym I was angry at Mari for her comments regarding my mother but he egged me on and I just lost it. What troubles me now was I that I shouldn't have gone for Mari regardless of her comments and one of the reasons she hit me was because I caused Toji to go through his phobia in side the Omega unit because the lights went out Mari said that she had to stay with him all night afterwards because it really messed him up."

Kaji looked up. "He told me he was fine." Asuka shook her head sadly. "He wasn't he was just being brave and trying not to show it." She looked down sadly. "I'm afraid of deep water and drowning I know how scary that is and I should have apologised to him and tried to talk sense to Mari. I know she hates me and we don't get on but I'm starting to think that maybe she's just like the younger version of me and she hurting deep down inside like I was and she just trying to find someone to take it out on. You know like I did with Shinji because I was so jealous and resentful and I thought that he just had it so easy because Gendo is the director."

Rei looked at her easing her hand up as she ran it gently through her long red hair. "Did you feel the same way about me Asuka?" Asuka turned to look at her. "Yes and no I thought like Shinji you had a free meal ticket because of your father but I just wanted you to like me and notice me, even though I was out right awful. It's really pathetic when I think about it and when I couldn't get what I wanted I had raging fits because then you'd still be noticing me even if it was negative and you disliked me."

She looked at her hands. "I don't blame you for slapping me that day when I acted like such a leering predatory creep it wasn't like I cared to ask you if you even liked being with girls. I just assumed that even if some one didn't like something I could make them like it and they wouldn't refuse me as I was an Evangelion pilot because that was how my twisted selfish mind worked at the time." Rei looked at her for a long moment. "Your not that person anymore Asuka believe me."

Maya moved a step closer. "She's right Asuka your not that person anymore, you need to let that part of your past go." Asuka looked up slightly. "I know that but you know when he took over me… I couldn't hear what he was saying but I could still see everything he was doing, it was like being in a horror movie where you have no control over your own body and you're just a puppet."

She turned meeting Rei's concerned gaze. "I saw how he was trying to touch you in the same way I did when I was younger and I wanted to rip his guts out and I was trying so hard to take back control but he just wouldn't let me. Then just before the end he shoved me down in to this darkness but instead I managed to shift elsewhere I just didn't know if I was alive or dead and I assumed I was dead because when it all went dark I felt my heart stop for good. Hence why I stayed there for so long and I just didn't want to come back everything just felt so awful and so hopeless and I just wanted to give up."

Kaji raised his hand. "How did he get you back here Asuka?" Asuka looked up. "We were fighting and I was winning I had torn part of his shoulder to ribbons but then he used this vile little manipulation to throw me off I got really distracted he then used my fear of deep water to bring me kicking and screaming back into the world by trying to drown me because he knew I'd rather wake up than drown."

Maya looked up surprise. "You can hurt him?" Asuka breathed in deeply "Yes he's not untouchable at least not in the place where we were both fighting, there he could feel pain it would seem but I guess in some strange way that makes sense since he's just another form of humanity and he can bleed." She felt a cold sneer form. "His blood tastes vile it's also blue in colour and it tastes nothing like human blood it was really acrid."

Misato eyed her for a long moment. "You know from the way your speaking it almost sounds like you were trying to eat him." Asuka looked up feeling the uncertainty take over as she spoke. "I kind of was trying to eat him….look believe me it will make so much more sense when I sketch it out when I say it like this it just makes me sound like some kind of demented cannibal."

Kaji smirked ignoring Misato's side ways glance. "Well you have always been something of a carnivore." Asuka looked up raising her hands. "Look it's just not how you think okay I didn't do it to him because I literally saw him as a plate of medium rare steak. I did it because I was just so tired of him verfickte yanking on my chain and I wanted him to hurt. I wanted him to feel real pain for once because I literally cannot touch him when he'd projecting his image outwards he's like shadow tearing off part of his shoulder was just a consequence of me getting my own back."

She breathed in deeply before looking up. "I mean the first day he appeared when it wasn't in my dreams he was sitting on my sideways sofa and I pulled my gun on him and he made real clear that if I fired I'd just make holes in my nice sofa, we can't seem to touch each other but he can affect the electrics." She slowly turned to Rei. "That day when your reading light was going crazy in the wreck room that was him he was using his really long tail to smack it, he can also lock doors but it's more when he wants our conversations to be private." Maya breathed in deeply knowing that her next question might cause annoyance. "Does he affect your body other than your teeth and right eye I mean does he affect your sex drive?"

Asuka leaned back on the sofa. "Sort of it's complicated." She breathed in slowly and deeply. "Before this I could at least get off in dating sexual VR simulations now I can't the energies just not there anymore. I think he does it as a sick twisted joke because he probably looks back at my past memories and sees that I used to screw anyone I could get my hands on because I liked using sex as a form of power trip to make myself feel better and didn't really care about the person's feelings I was sleeping with, I just wanted it to be all about me."

She looked up slightly. "He doesn't affect my emotional feelings for people though there real and there all mine and right from the start he's never been able to change them, other than to make me feel bad for having them." She looked up slightly. "Also he can pick and choose when he appears and disappears sometimes he can vanish for hours on end then just show up out of nowhere. He no longer goes in to my dreams anymore instead he's always on the outside and in 02, I mostly hear him but he can appear on my screen as hologram projection. The most painful thing was when he tried to sync with me in the test then succeeded when I got into 02. It literally felt like he was driving wooden stakes into my brain and I just started panicking because I felt like I was dying I would take any form of physically pain just to not have to go through that again."

Rei eyed her Asuka seeing the sadness as it appeared in her good eye she moved her hand putting it on the other woman's shoulder. "Believe me it was horrible watching that from the outside both times." She looked at the others as open as Asuka was being she could tell that was still really stressful for her, her good eye was giving it away. "Hey Asuka would you like to get something to eat? I mean we can go to the Arcade there we can get your digital scroll and pens and just charge it to Nerv's account." Asuka eyed her she was hungry and she hated feeling this tired she turned around as something occurred to her. "Where's my leather jacket, it's got everything in it my wallet, keys, new phone tell me those bastards who ripped my clothes off in the quarantine zone didn't damage it?"

Misato eased up her bag pulling out the dark brown jacket with its dark red shoulder and arm stripes which was Asuka's most favourite thing to wear and she could relate as she'd always had her red and black one on. "Its here Asuka but that and your patch were the only things to survive your others clothes got torn to bits in the explosion." Asuka slowly stood up taking it from her hand. "The other stuff I don't really care about I can replace it." She eased her jacket back on. "This would be harder it's a custom I had to pay a lot to have it tailor made and I had to get on the waiting list and the couple who make these don't care even if you're some kind of celebrity, you only get it when it's finished, no exceptions."

Rei moved over putting her hand on her arm. "I've always liked that jacket its suits you." Asuka felt a slight smile form. "Thank you." Kaji felt a smile form. "You two should get something to eat and then go home." Maya moved forward putting a hand on Asuka's shoulder. "I will have to ask you to come back Asuka, its just so once you start uploading your drawings to the Nerv's data base we can start going through them with you I promise we won't push you. This won't be like when we tried to do this in your teens, you make the rules you say when you've had enough or you're not happy." Rei kept hold of her arm. "I can come up with you if you want? I mean if it makes it easier and I want to see your drawings anyway."

Asuka turned to her speaking quietly and softly. "Its okay really, you've done so much for me, you don't have to do this." Maya gave her a smile. "You know we can do it with the both of you I mean when Shinji has problems and he needs to talk to me Kaworu sometimes comes with him. So you having Rei with you is not a problem Asuka sometimes it nice to have someone else with you." Asuka looked at her feeling slightly nervous and it wasn't helped by Rei's smile. "Sure I mean we can do it that way." Misato grabbed them both by the shoulders. "So you two should go now and get some lunch we can fix up here, go have fun or something." Asuka raised her hand. "Its fine we are leaving."

Misato watched as they both left the room closing the door behind them she turned to Maya. "You are so fucking sly, that's not even true about Shinji and Kaworu granted they do spend all there time together but Shinji stopped doing therapy some years ago and he's been healing emotionally in vast leaps since then." Maya folded her arms. "It called working the problem Asuka responds better with her around she's just calmer and less agitated." Kaji put his hands in his pocket. "Oh so it's not about getting them to maybe date then?"

Maya rolled her eyes. "Please I'm not trying to play matchmaker if that happens it will happen on its own and without me as Asuka loves her, she'll have to tell her sometime after everything that's happened to her. After all this stress and heartache she might gain a different perspective on her life she came so close to death this time and you're never quite the same after that, you look at the world differently Shinji would be the first one to tell you that."

She raised her hand. "I just don't know if Rei love's her though I mean I know things might be pointing that way as it was Rei who came to her rescue I heard that she even bribed Mari in to hacking the panels down there and we all saw her kissing Asuka's hand when she was in a coma. I just hope that she does and I hope that if she doesn't Asuka can take it and see friendship as being enough, I mean you can't force others to love you it has to be a two way thing."

Kaji raised an eyebrow. "I agree, I mean at least if nothing else they both know where they stand and that they see each other as friends." He folded his arms. "Now would any of you like to go up to the Caribbean bar up on the Arcade's second level? It's just been a really long day and I want an alcoholic drink and some comfort food." Maya looked at her paper work. "Sadly I have a lot of papers to push thanks to Ritsuko's massive screw up but I might join you later on."

Misato moved towards him. "I'll go I haven't been up there yet." Kaji looked up slightly. "Just don't be surprised if you come across Mari getting wasted up there and singing and Toji having to take her home." Misato shook her head sadly. "So we have a pilot who has a drinking problem then?" Kaji breathed in deeply. "I think its drinking to forget in Mari's case and it's quite often, I think her mothers death gets to her badly but she plays it like she's really happy when she isn't." Misato looked up meeting his gaze. "You know I think its time we started working on her as well she's clearly got problems and if she starts working though her issues Toji might follow." Kaji stroked his beard. "Works for me."

End of part 29

Silvermoonlight