PAIN AND REMORSE EVER ABIDING

Asuka stepped clear of her entry plug walking across the high railing noticing that all of the workers were staring at her quietly she just wanted to get out of her plug suit take a shower and go home. They were properly staring because of her back molars and canines which still hadn't returned to normal and though her left eye was no longer alight she hadn't bothered to put the patch back on which meant they could properly see the blazing patterns.

She paused as Maya came running up to her a medical gun in her hand the concern in her eyes as she spoke. "I brought you more pain killers it's for your back." Asuka raised her hand. "Please just leave me alone I don't want anymore drugs." Maya blinked in surprise. "You need this Asuka you took such a massive fall and we couldn't give you the full dose through your LCL because we were worried that the high dose might effect your concentration." Asuka leaned on the railing ignoring the dull painful ache in her shoulders and back. "I don't want pain killers!"

Maya breathed in deeply clearly Asuka was really shook up emotionally as she wasn't normally angry towards her at all as they were long past that as friends. She watched as Rei came up the other woman gently eased the gun out of her hand as she came towards Asuka giving her, her best smile as she stood in front of her though it wasn't returned. "I'll do it for you Asuka."

Rei eased the gun up. "I know you hate it when people shove the gun in but don't worry I'll be gentle." She eased the other woman's red hair back so she could see her neck as she put the gun up gently pressing firing it seeing Asuka wince. Rei lowered the gun. "There not so bad I guess." She smiled wider still getting no smile in return as she passed the gun back to Maya. She could see that Asuka left eye had dimmed going very dark which meant that she was in deep emotional pain she moved a hand putting it on her face touching very gently. "Do you want to go somewhere and get something to eat?"

Asuka looked down sadly she could Shinji and Kaworu coming down the walk way both of them looked concerned. "I'm not hungry right now." Rei looked up. "I'm so sorry Asuka I didn't know that you thought that she loved you." Asuka felt the pain cut in a knife and she was crying before she could stop herself. "I was such a verfickte idiot! I was just so lonely at the time and normally no one ever said nice things like that to me I, should have known it wasn't genuine." She looked up slightly. "Even getting my own back just feels like a waste now, hurting her didn't make me feel any better, only worse."

She breathed in sadly. "Because it just brought back the pain and how she screwed me over and ruined my life and in the end she gets to fly away above the clouds and vanish all over again." She looked at her hand closing it slowly. "Funny I contemplated ripping out her entry plug and eating it but that would have just made me no better than her." She paused eyeing her Evangelion whose real eyes were green and yellow as Rei had said. "My Evangelion might look like some demon cat but I'm not going to use it like one on people."

She breathed in sharply. "Also the guy who was piloting next to her his name is Kensuke Aida, he's a reject from the China program and there lovers I felt that in his emotions that's why I freed him from the pain and focused only on Hikari. He loves her so much he did everything to get Bukavac airborne while I was attacking her it was a terrible strain on him because the mental power just to keep that thing going requires two people closely bounded and synced, call me sentimental but I don't believe in stripping people off the ones they love most."

She wiped her tears away. "That's why Ritsuko's experiments with the duel piloting system have never worked, you need lovers who are synced emotionally and physically to get it working and the Evangelion's always reject the dummy plugs which just wouldn't know how to simulate that emotion anyway, it's just not in their programming."

Rei looked at her for a long moment easing up her other hand putting it on her face. "I think it's really noble that you took the higher ground Asuka." She gently kissed her lips as she took hold of her hands "I know that it was hard for you after what she did to you and how she made you feel." She turned seeing Misato and Kaji coming down the walk way why couldn't they have just waited? Now was just not a good time even Shinji and Kaworu could see that as they'd remained quite through out this as had Maya.

Misato raised her hand. "You know that was incredible what you did Asuka!" Asuka felt a sneer form as she spoke coldly stepping away from Rei. "Yes I mangled another human beings brain up just to get my own back, I should be so thrilled." Misato stopped as she took in a deep breath realizing that she had picked a very bad time. "I was referring to your ability to disrupt Bukavac's AT field." Asuka laughed not caring how mocking it sounded as she stepped towards her. "Please you know that wasn't me, so don't give me praise for abilities I don't have." She felt a sneer form. "I'll never be as good as the others you said that once yourself!"

Misato looked down sadly realizing that she had to apologise openly for this as it had been her mistake. "Yes I said that and I'm so sorry I was angry at the time and I shouldn't have said it, it wasn't true." Asuka moved a step closer. "You were angry that's a verfickte joke right? Imagine how angry I felt after that woman screwed me over when I was innocent and you and almost everyone else believed her!"

She felt her teeth grind together. "Imagine how I felt coming to work everyday with the label that I was vile abusive sexual predator and the rumour carrying on for three years?" She felt the pain hit her hard in the chest. "You and almost everyone else saw what you wanted to see, my fifteen year old bratty self and you all used it to justify your actions."

She stepped closer as her left eye ignited. "Now you have the nerve to wonder why I stay away and live alone, it's because I know the truth in that most people are cruel, selfish and vile and I'd rather hide away than have my heart torn out of my chest all over again!" Kaji breathed in deeply seeing that Rei was moving closer. "Asuka tonight a full report will air and we have enough information it to prove your innocence and it will include Hikari's confession."

Asuka eyed him. "You really think that will change anything or make it better? This cost me three years of my life, they are three years I can't get back now because of you people I lost my social life I got beaten up and no one ever cared for my side of story then, so what makes you think they'll even care about it now?" Misato stepped forward. "You're a different person now Asuka we all see it once the press sees it a lot will change its why you have to come to the press conference with the others in a few days." Asuka breathed in painfully. "No I'm sorry I walked that line before I got called a violent, crazy, narcissist in front of the whole world last time."

She raised her finger. "To which you responded Asuka has a lot of problems with her behaviour and it tends to be erratic." She felt her teeth grind together as she spoke her next words. "You basically shoved a dagger in my back and twisting it for good measure because to the press that was like a red flag going up that I was guilty." She looked down sadly. "Then you wonder why we aren't friends anymore and why I never visit, it's because you threw me to the rabid dogs but I guess it was easy for you after all I am the loner and the difficult child of six."

She narrowed her gaze. "You basically did to me what almost everyone else did to me when I was growing up you didn't want me around and you made it clear that I was a problem and you just passed me over!"

Rei moved to stand in front of Asuka putting a hand on her stomach speaking very softly as she moved her back. "Its okay Asuka lets just go now." She turned as something hit her 02's real exposed eyes were staring in her direction from its side ways position close by they had moved from being centred to looking right in the direction of the whole argument.

They stayed staring at her for a moment before swivelling back into the forward facing position no one had seen it because they were all to busy watching this argument unfold. She turned back to Asuka taking her arm gently guiding her away from everyone who remained dead silent. She could see Shinji and Kaworu following her from behind they just wanted to get away as much as she did because this was just a really bad turn of events. She had hoped to stop all of this and to take Asuka away from everything so she could just relax and calm down as this was clearly very stressful for her.

Now she knew tonight when she got back to her house that it was going to be so much harder because her mood was going to swing to a real low again. There was even a chance that she wouldn't even turn up to work after this because she'd try to run away and hide out of fear, because she didn't want to face the music and that she'd think that she would be in trouble now for basically showing Misato up.

It would take a miracle to even get her to that press conference now she pushed open the doors to the wreck room seeing that it was empty now she looked at Asuka who looked so down cast now. She turned to face her. "Would you like some thing to drink Asuka?" Asuka shook her head as she eyed her fist as her gaze shifted to the locker room and the old school locker that she had used so often to free her self off her angry frustrations. "Excuse me." She moved towards it raising her fist she just wanted to get rid of the anger she didn't want it clinging to her tonight not when they went home.

Yes kicking a locker was childish and pathetic she'd rather have misery than anger right now and she didn't want this anger when she was around Rei anymore they should be happy together. She wanted to smile when she entered the doorway she wanted to treasure the moments they had together because life was just too short. She screamed as she smashed her fist into it watching as metal bent inwards as her fist impacted it with enough force to break the hinges and buckle the door inwards.

She pulled her fist out looking at it she'd spent years wanting to break this locker and now she'd finally done it, it just didn't feel so great. Rei eyed the buckled locker seeing that Shinji and Kaworu were standing close by they'd all come running in when they'd heard the smash of metal. "You broke it haven't you always wanted to do that?" Asuka breathed in deeply putting a hand on her face. "Yes." She eyed the locker. "I don't want to try and break lockers anymore Rei, I know I can't stop my anger I know it's a part of me but I want to find a way to really focus it, I don't want these angry outbursts anymore, I want it so its on the field of war where it belongs not in our home life."

She looked up slightly. "I know I'm always going to be edgy and snappy but I want it focused at the right people like people who deserve it not my friends." She turned looking her straight in the eyes. "And not people I love." Kaworu stepped forward. "Have you considered that maybe you're already there?" Shinji moved over so he was standing by her. "He has a point Asuka all of your outbursts now are normally in the right place and for the right reasons." He eyed the locker patting the side. "Also if you don't want to dent lockers anymore then that's good as well."

Asuka eyed the locker. "Maybe I should buy Mari one of these after I get rid of this one, I think she needs it way more than I do right now. Because I think she's going to blow up sooner or later it's just a matter of time." Shinji looked at her. "She's going to see Maya this afternoon." Asuka folded her arms. "Personally I don't see that going down well but then I remember my first chat with her being very brutal."

She looked at him putting a hand on his shoulder. "Hey you know you and Kaworu can come around to my house? You know sometime in the future." She paused before speaking. "You know if you want to, you don't have to." Rei put a hand on Asuka's arm that was a surprise she hadn't expected Asuka to say this at all maybe she was starting to trust again though only with in the close circle of friends. "I'm sure they'd love to come around."

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Shinji gave Asuka his best smile. "Yeah sure we would right Kaworu?" Kaworu turned giving Asuka a warm smile. "Of cause just give us a day and we'll come around." Asuka turned slightly. "I will and not to be rude but I really need to get a shower." Shinji pulled on his plug suit collar. "To be fair I think we all do it's just been one of those days."

8

Misato walked the long dark corridor along with Kaji in front of them were Gendo and Ritsuko and behind them were Seele's Black Guard a very large number of men and women dressed in black suits who were trained to kill anyone who was a threat to Nerv she had been hearing about them for years everyone had but she had never seen them until now. She had also heard a rumour that unlike the special ops they could torture you and use methods that where really medieval if necessary to get information out of you.

It was said that anyone who went to see the Black Guard for interrogation came back in a body bag and if any pilot went missing these people were sent to track them down and find them. In the early days they had tracked Rei, Asuka and Shinji most days until they'd become adults after which she had told Gendo that the pilots should be left alone and given there own personal space which he had agreed to it and stopped them keeping tabs on them as they could take care of themselves and were doing weekly combat training in both guns and hand to hand. The Black Guards main job though was to keep everyone away from this room which was seated in the void very close to Lilith and in the most restricted zone of all.

She didn't understand why Kaji was coming with her but she could question him later when the time was right. She watched as a massive steal door came into view it was like some army bunker with massive plating to protect what was inside she looked up Gendo and Ritsuko went to either side off the door putting their eyes up against the locks as the lock read their iris codes causing the massive door to rise as it opened revealing a huge dark room with six huge monolith's that towered over her like gods.

She walked slowly inside only to turn as the huge door smashed down locking its self as Ritsuko and Gendo took up their positions in the centre of the room, on opposite sides of her as Kaji stood quietly behind her. She could tell that he was nervous as he kept playing with his uniforms sleeve. Gendo spoke evenly. "I call Seele to order!" He watched as the six monoliths lit up there yellow symbols and writing appearing in the darkness of the room which represented the six council members three men and three women who controlled the UN. "I'm sure you've heard of our problem."

Seele one spoke in an annoyed tone it was male. "Yes, it is most unwanted and not in our plans." Seele two spoke though this one was female. "The Alpha test unit failure was understandable but this has angered us greatly." Seele three spoke again it was another man. "This is Keel! It's part of his games." Misato spoke up. "Who is keel?" Seele four spoke again it was female. "There were thirteen of us once but with each world repeat we started to change, genders even names reborn over and over again with each cycle of human instrumentality but not all of us found heaven some found hell."

Seele three spoke though he was male and his voice was low and gritty. "Human instrumentality is not heaven for all, it does not bring happiness for everyone, because humanity sometimes rejects a heavenly world because the real world is so cruel and with every cycle more people started to reject the fantasy. Some have now even started to remember in dreams there former lives, it is destroying the natural order."

Seele five spoke he had a deep male voice. "We realized that we were corrupting the human soul because rebirth was no longer natural." Seele six spoke it was a cold female voice. "It caused an argument in the council after one of us vanished completely he never returned from the cycle his monolith crumbled away to dust. He became forgotten even though we all remembered him but he existed no more and has never returned his soul destroyed as punishment for us playing gods."

Seele one spoke again his voice filled with anger. "Keel left us wanting to carry on the cycle and repeat human instrumentality once more, he took his half of Seele and turned it into Ouroboros the serpent forever eating its tail, now he is trying to repeat and take from us our Evangelions and protectors who we built to save and protect this world." Seele three's male voice spoke calmly. "We wanted six to represent our symbols eyes though we have yet to see who the seventh eye is."

Misato folded her arms. "If you have seen the world repeat over and over have we spoken before?" Seele five spoke his voice filled with uncertainty. "No this is the first time but we have come to an understanding that we can no longer play down the seriousness of what is happening or the danger it poses to our world. The angels must be destroyed but the final impact must never occur because there is a chance more people will vanish and never return because their souls can't repeat naturally." Misato breathed in deeply. "Who resets the clock every time and turns time back?"

Seele six spoke her voice filled with sadness. "Two pilots are normally the first to return from human instrumentality because they've rejected it, there a god joins them at the breaking of the end of the world and they can reset and start over. Though last time only one of them returned the other didn't follow but someone purposely obscured our vision we could only see the beach of exodus for a limited time."

There was a long pause before Seele two spoke again her voice filled with unease. "Most often it's the German girl who we know is currently infected with an angel and Ikari's son but this time things have changed. One of the biggest changes was the natural birth of Ikari's daughter through Yui, we had no power over this and we have no idea how it even happened human instrumentality doesn't allow changes like this normally and the angels do not care for humanity in that way. So we can only assume it was an outside force beyond our control and the same one who obscured our vision."

Seele three spoke again his voice filled with anger. "For whatever reason everything has been shuffled around in a way we couldn't have possibly have foreseen it's changed the pilot's natural order through and through. It has been like some one dropping a stone in a lake and causing massive ripples outwards, ripples we can not ride and we have been trying to work around from the very beginning."

Misato eyed them angrily. "So you've basically all played at beings gods and you got burnt! It's just this time someone threw a spanner in the works." Seele one spoke once more his tone was even. "In all previous cycles you've been against us, you have tried to save the world at any cost we have ensured this time around that you are well rewarded the one's you love remain and Nerv has the money and wealth to fight this war and your position will remain as long as you exist." Seele two spoke again though her tone was dry. "It is clear to us now that heaven can only be reached so many times before it becomes hell."

Seele five's male voice spoke coldly. "Take and judge us as you please but we are on your side this time for better or for worse, we have learned from our past mistakes." Misato turned eyeing Ritsuko in disgust. "So you knew about this all along?" Ritsuko looked up. "Yes." Gendo looked down showing very little emotion. "Yes we did but the world can never know of our past sins and how we have repeated over and over." She turned eyeing Kaji. "And you?"

Kaji raised his hands he was feeling deeply uncomfortable but moreover what he was hearing. "I've only been here once when I was called up on as a spy this is my first time hearing this though." Seele one's male voice spoke again. "You have a choice Major knowing this you can leave and never look back because for some looking beyond the veil destroys their world perception or you can fight for us as you have been doing and we can end this."

Seele six spoke her cold voice hitting the air. "Our Evangelion's must win this coming war against Ouroboros and we believe that, that creation was mealy the first but by no means the last. We must be victorious, because if we repeat again there is a chance that all of humanities souls may never return and will be confined to hell as punishment. Seele three spoke again his voice filled with anger. "Someone is also betraying us within the foundation and they must be stopped at all costs our Evangelion's and research are not for them to create angel abominations with!"

8

Asuka looked up from the couch watching as Rei carried on cooking in a wok she leaned over stroking Erika's head and chin before standing up and walking over to the other woman. She slowly wrapped her arms around her waist from the back catching her slightly by surprise as she spoke softly. "We should go out tomorrow." She gently kissed her neck. "You know maybe go somewhere in Tokyo Three."

Rei turned the cooker off as she was finished cooking any way. "You know we have to go to work tomorrow its Friday and I'm sure that Maya really wants to talk to you about what happened during the fight." Asuka held her closer. "Well I don't want to talk plus it's not like they can send me out anyway it will take them two days to refit a new face plate on 02 and they have other pilots."

She moved her hands up. "So ring in sick one day off won't kill you, you save the world remember?" She was about to say something only for her phone to go off she rolled her eyes pulling it out of her belts new leather phone holder seeing Anneberg's icon appear. "Yes Anneberg." Anneberg's icon smiled. "You have been paid."

Asuka stepped away as Rei started to fill the plates. "Its not payday that's two weeks away." Anneberg spoke again. "Six months worth of pay has been forwarded into your account with apologises from Nerv." Asuka eyed him. "This is a verfickter joke right?" Anneberg's green eyes blinked. "No, it was forwarded just a moment ago, I did a double check as you always tell me to keep a very close eye on your bank accounts as they are a very high priority and the exchange was from Nerv and transferred under true code identity." Asuka looked at him for a long moment. "I don't need or even want that money I have vast savings it means nothing to me plus do they really think they can just throw it my way and I'll just smile and be content?"

She took in a deep breath. "No tell you what donate it to the Tokyo Three children's special ward that deals with abuse and neglect but unlike last time put my real name under it. I mean once they realize they'll be able to track back and find out it's me, since I've been sending them money since I hit nineteen." Rei looked up in surprise as she placed the bowls of food down. "You've been giving money to the children's ward?"

Asuka turned looking at her. "Yes for years, one thing I realized after Shamshel was that I was just taking out my anger on children because I didn't like my own childhood, granted I'm still terrible with kids but I don't want them to suffer through abuse and neglect like I did, so I send the hospital money now and again." Rei felt a smile form. "That's really sweet Asuka."

She paused seeing Asuka looking down slightly as the blush started to creep into her cheeks. "I send them money too but I send it to the burns ward and I know that Shinji sends money to abounded children I don't know about the others." Asuka watched as Anneberg made the transfer then vanished she put her phone away. "I was really greedy with my money in the beginning I did nothing but spend it on lavish things. I even used to buy designer dresses and eat in super expensive restaurants, I used it to woo men and women with lavish gifts so I could get them to sleep with me and I did at first want a lavish apartment up in the Dorodome."

She rubbed her left eye. "After Shamshel I realized that I was even buying for attention so people would notice me and like me, I wasn't buying anything I really wanted. I didn't even know what I liked I realized that one day when I went through the things I owed and apart from drawing materials and the videos games nothing was me not even the clothes on my back, I literally had no idea who I really was. So I started getting rid of things and started over and began to try new things, new clothes and find out what I actuality liked, it took me a year to figure it all out."

She breathed in deeply. "I realized that I'd spent a certain part of my childhood disliking certain women who dressed a certain way because in truth that was who I really wanted to be, I wanted to ride motorbikes I wanted to paint model kits, read comics and have fun but not for anyone but myself. Truth is I've never cared for high class restaurant food, I'd rather eat at a normal restaurant and have someone bring me real steak."

She slowly walked over to her sitting next to the younger woman. "So how's about you tell me where you'd like to go tomorrow, just in case I have to book because I want to take you somewhere nice." Rei turned looking at her this was such a surprise she had fully expected this to be a very hard night yet it, it was totally the opposite something had changed.

Maybe it was Asuka finally being to vent her frustrations and finally get those feelings out in the open but whatever it was she was being so charming and it was really drawing her in. "Okay I'll ring in sick, like you say one day won't matter." Asuka looked at her. "So where do you want to go?" Rei looked up. "I want to go out riding together I want to pick up my motorbike and leathers from home and ride alongside you in the Trident, you know then maybe we can get some beach food I know a great restaurant near the sea they sell really fresh sea food."

She looked up slightly. "Don't worry we won't swim or anything I just like looking out at the ocean." She raised her hand. "It's relaxing." Asuka leaned closer to her putting a hand gently on her face. "Whatever you want, I don't mind being by the sea if you're with me."

End of part 43

Silvermoonlight