LIGHTING UP THE HEART AND SOUL

Asuka felt the force as she was thrown off she came off slamming in to the snow she flipped herself right side up on to her hind legs tasted the flesh in her mouth as she brought out her long tongue licking one of her massive bloody canine teeth. "You taste like brisket, burnt brisket." She felt a sadistic smile form. "So I guess this would make you my last meal right?"

Bardiel sneered as he stamped his clawed foot down hard watching as the red sea around them turned to blue ice cold flesh waters the kind that Asuka hated and feared. She just couldn't let go she really believed she was dead and in her mind she just couldn't wrap her head around still being alive because she'd been so accepting of death she just didn't want to wake up and grasp reality.

She'd used her own imagination to change her form just to get an equal footing and that scared him because she was very powerful and he didn't want her to over power him as she could win and he could truly die. Why was she hanging on to this subconscious illusion? Was it all too much for her did she think waking up would bring no happiness after everything that had happened, had she finally let go off all her hope? Was this the human concept that illusion and escape were sometimes better than reality? He eyed his bloody torn shoulder before looking up. "You're not dead, stop holding onto this illusion and let go I saved your body in the outside world the machine didn't kill you!"

Asuka stalked closer. "I don't verfickte care and even if this is an illusion I have nothing worth going back for! I'd rather live a lie than spend another moment out in the real world!" She pressed her thick black curved claws into the snow. "I've tried to escape so many times and I never fully escape because I wake up! I don't want the pain anymore." She breathed in painfully. "I didn't want you to save me either, I was happy to end it all!"

Bardiel took a slow step forward. "No you just don't want to go back because now everyone knows the truth that you've been depressed and suicidal and you might have to finally talk about all the pain that's been holding you back which is making you so miserable and you don't know if finally releasing it will even make you happy!"

Asuka breathed in grinding her huge teeth together. "It won't make any difference, it never does it's always been that way through out my whole life the things I love leave me and people don't stay with me because I'm not good enough and I never get a second chance. I just get thrown aside because I'm worthless and broken and no one's going to love me the way I want or dream about and I'm going to die alone!"

She side stepped. "So yes reality sucks and I don't want to be part of it anymore!" Bardiel shook his head. "I get it the depression is clouding your mind Asuka you're not seeing or thinking straight, I spoke to people who knew you through your body, they were coming to your rescue, they wanted to save you they didn't care for me." He looked up slightly. "But maybe what should matter to you is the one you love risked everything to save you."

Asuka flicked her two huge tails. "Yes well she would do that she's noble and kind but it doesn't mean that she loves me!" Bardiel shook his head. "You're blind as fuck and stupid!" He felt his teeth grind together as he spoke coldly. "Tell me why would you be so open to leaping of a level in that thing you humans call the Arcade yet you're so afraid to leap in the same way with your feelings?" Asuka narrowed her gaze. "Broken legs are easier to repair that broken hearts and I don't mind physical pain I can handle it, I even enjoy it on some twisted mental level, I just can't stomach the emotional!"

Bardiel looked at her for a long moment. "This is your last chance Asuka, ether you return or I will force you back kicking and screaming whether you like it or not!" He moved his clawed hand through the snow. "I really don't get you, you've fought me all this time and now you're just giving up, just like that?"

Asuka shook her mane. "Yes!" Bardiel moved slowly forward. "Your mother would be so unhappy with you right now every time you fight she smiles. Every time you try even if you don't succeed she's happy she has always wanting to kiss away your sorrows even though she can't always reach you." Asuka eyed him in disgust. "Stop bringing up my mother she's dead!"

Bardiel looked up. "You've always wanted to meet her again so you can feel that childhood wonder, yet you're not asking yourself why she's not here if you're truly dead then she'd be here but she's not." Bardiel watched as her good eye darted while the other blazed brighter. "If there is existence and proof that you are not dead then her not being here right now should be all you need to wake up from this illusion because she would want to be here believe me I know I've felt her presence and she only tolerates me because you allow it."

Asuka felt a cold sneer form. "She's not here because she never loved me!" Bardiel shook his head. "No she's not here because she’s somewhere you might not expect yet it is the most obvious place of all but the last place you'd think to look."

He felt a sly smile form. "It's not just her there are two more who are fully awakened and three others that are starting to awaken it's just a matter of time." He looked up. "You think humanity exists on one plane of existence there are others far beyond flesh and blood Nerv's been lying to you Asuka Ritsuko's and Gendo have been keeping secrets from everyone."

He stepped forward getting closer to her moving his tail in position seeing that she clearly very distracted now. "You have never asked yourself why Ritsuko hates you so much, you know she hated your mother but why is she trying so hard to get you off the program why she tried to mince your brain I mean it's so extreme like she knows that you might just find out something you really shouldn't. In previous cycles it's been Shinji and Rei always apart yet in the here and now they are natural brother and sister. It's just not their turn this time around it's yours and you deserve to find the answers through my method not my rivals because there is no joy in finding out everything at the end of existence when it’s fleeting and you’re not in control. So much has changed in this world so much is different and you have so much yet to face."

He could see that she was thinking his words over very deeply and her attention was no longer on him or fighting he didn't think as he wrapped his tail around her thick furry neck in a lightning fast motion before she could stop him as he used his whole weight to shove her violently of the edge of the ice and in to the deep ice cold water.

He held her down as she violently thrashed under the water biting at his tail trying desperately to surface as the terror of drowning took over. "It's time to wake up Asuka your far from done and I won't see everything I've worked for come to nothing because you just want to give up and fade away! You won't like waking up its going to be very hard and very unpleasant for you at first but then rebirth always is it's fought with difficulty and strain because it brings about such drastic change."

He turned seeing the jagged ice sheets vibrate and crack as they rose upwards breaching the surface all around him as the lightning crashed down harder as her control over her own world of illusion and imagination started to waver it wouldn't be much longer just a few more seconds, he could see the sky above turning white as the lightning stopped.

8

Asuka felt her eyes snap open as she felt her whole body force itself up right in bed as let out a painful cry she could feel her heart pounding in her ears as everything went in and out of focus as the pain hit her causing her to put her hands on both sides of her head. She leaned over sideways only to feel herself fall straight out of the bed onto a solid cold floor everything hurt so much and she could feel cords pulling on her body along with hearing everything beeping around her, it was like some form of hell and she couldn't stand the sound.

She looked down as her good eye slowly came back into focus she was laying on the hospital room floor on her front and there were cables all over her chest and arms. She grabbed the cables forcing them free despite that ripping them free felt like she was ripping her skin off she then pulled the drip needle out which stung so much as it came free. It was all still beeping it just wouldn't shut up she couldn't stand it she just wanted it to shut up!

She could feel the intense rage coming as she looked at her hands, the bastard had brought her back! She didn't want to be here she hated it here so much and the past week or so had just felt like torture. She put a hand on her face she was so stupid she should've just torn him apart and eaten him and not listened to his manipulations, she would not be able to get back to that ice plane again and she knew it.

She looked up she verfickte hated this hospital room she was sick of forever ending up in this place for whatever reason wearing the stupid white shirt and trousers she hated the smell the sounds even the taste of very air bothered her. She put her hands through her hair in frustration as she eyed the beeping machines feeling her teeth grind together she couldn't stand this anymore, she just wanted to let loose and let go completely she didn't care if it expensive or it wasn't hers, she just wanted to make it disappear and be quite so she could think straight!

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She'd held onto this burning rage for so long and now she just wanted to let it out just to feel some form of real release which she couldn't get because she just hadn't been well enough or hadn't been piloting or doing anything meaningful, even when she'd fought the special ops and Mari it just hadn't felt like full release. She felt both hands form fists as her knuckles cracked on one side if she did nothing else today she was going to tear this room apart because it just felt like one bad memory after another being in here!

Kaji took a drink of his coffee as he walked towards Asuka's hospital room only to hear the beeping of the machines inside signalling that something was going on. He moved forward seeing that the hospital staff were running towards the room. He found himself backing up a step as he heard her intense scream of insane rage hit the air, the glass of the room she was in was suddenly smashed completely as the hospital bed was lunched through it with enough force to hit the wall on the other side sending the terrified hospital staff running in all directions as crashing in side was heard.

Talk about coming back into the world kicking and screaming he'd not ten minutes ago sent the others away to get something to eat because they'd been here all morning and now Asuka had picked this very moment to come out of her coma and start trashing everything. He looked up only to see one of the metal bedside cupboards as it was lunched through the smashed glass only to smash into the wall on the other side.

He had seen this young woman angry he was used to that but this was like someone else this was blinding unhinged rage, there've been echoes of it over the weeks since the accident but they were always more controlled. Clearly in her coma Bardiel had pissed her off on a whole new level and she was not happy and she just wanted to take it out on anything and the hospital room was her first choice.

Or maybe this was about so much like not having full control off her own body and her knowing that Bardiel had taken over it and she felt violated and no longer in control of her own life. Because she was in such a low and depressed frame of mind and had truly hit her lowest point now in that she'd been trying to escape reality hence her refusal to come back.

He grabbed his phone calling as fast as he could hoping that Misato hadn't turned her phone off he watched as it rang only to be picked up as Misato's voice hit the air. "Hello Kaji." Kaji stepped back as the drip holder was lunched through the glass on the rooms other side. "You have to get down here now! Are Maya and the others with you?" Misato's voice hit the air though it filled with uncertainty. "Yes everyone accept Rei, why what's going on?" Kaji breathed in deeply. "Asuka just woke up." Misato voice came again filled with shock. "She has?"

He looked up sharply hearing another crash. "Yes she has and she is beyond pissed and I'm not talking about angry you remember those really awful rages she had in her teens you know the selfish ones where she used to break other people things to spite them because she couldn't get her own way. You know before she changed and improved herself well she having the mother of all rages right now and she tearing her own hospital room apart!" He tensed slightly. "I think Bardiel somehow forced her back into the land of the living when she didn't want to go and she's just not handling it well."

8

Misato breathed in deeply she had never run so fast in her life and Shinji along with the others were hot on her heels she turned the corner where Kaji was standing just time to see another metal cupboard go straight through the already smashed hospital room's window where the bed and other things were already lying. She eyed Maya who looked beyond shocked as they heard something else crash although it was from the inside. "Holy shit…" Kaji eyed her. "Like I said she's utterly lost it in there and she is just not stopping and with the strength she has she can just trash anything she wants and nobody can stop her." Misato turned to Maya. "Can you stop her?"

Maya shook her head. "I'm not sending the staff in there, I'm just not I've seen this before when she's this way she can't recognise friend from foe. She was like it after the battle of Shamshel she attacked the staff trying to sedate her and she wasn't half as powerful then and she still caused massive problems because her mind was so unhinged and she was full of blinding savage rage. I mean she broke one man's arm but with this kind of power she has now she could outright kill someone. Also the hospital staff spent a long time fixing the broken limbs and noses of the special ops teams she took out because she wasted them so badly and they're still really sore over the fact a twenty three year old carrying no armour or weapons got one over on them so badly."

Kaji breathed in sharply. "You have to do something she has very high stamina now once she's done she'll just keep moving rooms she'll probably tear half the ward apart before she tires herself out maybe we can get Kyo up here again to sedate her with a rifle." He turned seeing Rei who was walking towards Asuka's room from the other end of the corridor. "Don't go in there Rei, she could kill you!"

Rei looked up seeing the fear in everyone's faces accept her brother's as she got closer to the room she'd been at one of the vending machines when she'd heard the crash and the screaming it had been loud enough to hear a floor above. She breathed in deeply seeing the horror in Maya's eyes as she moved closer to the room's door, she wasn't afraid and it saddened her that they were.

Asuka was in pain that was why she was throwing this fit of rage this wasn't about hurting others she was afraid and scared Bardiel had clearly brought her back in to this world somehow and she wasn't handling it well because she hadn't wanted to come back she'd just wanted to hide away in her mind because she'd hit her lowest point. She closed her eyes taking in another deep breath before opening them again as she walked past the shattered glass putting her hand on the door handle as she went inside ignoring Misato's order to stop.

She watched as Asuka grabbed the coffee maker full of boiling water throwing it at the wall opposite with enough force to smash it to pieces. She'd trashed everything she could get her hands on the whole room was a war zone she'd broken all the equipment and she'd put a lot of things through the window. "Asuka?" She watched as the older woman turned around her left eye was a spinning ignited blaze of colour that was letting out blue and white light.

While her teeth were on full display the back molars on the upper and lower jaw had all turned to razor sharp points on both sides along with the upper and lower canines which had extended slightly while her upper and lower front teeth looked completely normal. The pointed teeth weren't half as extreme as Bardiel's version and none of them were jagged. She breathed in deeply moving a step closer. "It's Rei." She looked up speaking quietly. "Do you remember me, I'm your friend?"

Asuka eyed Rei for a long moment, why was she here? She didn't need to even be here. "Yes I remember you, now get out and leave me alone!" Rei took another slow step forward ignoring the comment Asuka was doing what she was used to doing she was pushing her away because she didn't want her feelings to be exposed or the pain she'd been going through. "It was Bardiel wasn't it? He pushed you back here but you didn't want to go."

Asuka moved towards her. "I was happy in oblivion but he couldn't even verfickte let me have that the vile bastard, he tricked me into coming back here!" She stepped closer to her hoping to the gods that her threatening look would be enough to make the younger woman run away like any sane person. "I didn't want to come back here, I was happy to give up my whole life just to see him die and he even took that away from me!"

Rei looked straight into her eyes as she spoke calmly. "I wouldn't have been happy to see you die Asuka." Asuka narrowed her gaze as she spoke coldly. "Please, no one would mourn the death of Asuka Langley Soryu! They'd probably celebrate I mean one less asshole in the world right?" Rei looked at her sadly. "I went out of my way to save you Asuka, I mean I saw your video, you were going to give me so much that mattered to you because you care so much about me."

Asuka breathed in painfully it was getting harder and harder to hold onto the rage because the pain was starting to spike at her heart. "I was not worth saving!" Rei stepped closer she was now right inside the other woman's personal space. "To me you were worth saving, I know you didn't want to come back here Asuka I know it was hard for you, you probably fought Bardiel to stay there but I'm just so happy to see your face again."

She looked up seeing the bright light dim in her left eye as it turned dark, even her face was changing as the pain was starting to come through. "You're so brave I mean you fought this all on your own for so long and you couldn't tell any of us and despite it all you weren't cruel or unkind. Instead you went out of your way to show kindness and compassion even though you must have felt awful inside at times." She raised her hand putting it gently on the other woman's face. "You have a really good heart Asuka its noble, kind and honest."

She looked up meeting the other woman's gaze which was filled with intense pain. "You're nothing like Bardiel, he might possess you on some level but you're ten times better than him, believe me I met him I saw what he's like and if he ever made you feel like you were like him he was lying."

Asuka felt the strangled sob come out before she could stop it, it was all of the pain and suffering from inside and it was so out of her control and she couldn't stop her tears as they came. She wasn't angry anymore just deeply sad and all of the pain of the past painful week or so was finally surfacing in one massive wave.

Rei slowly wrapped her arms around her feeling her bury her head in to her shoulder as she really started to cry it wasn't like the time before it was incredibly strangled as she releasing so much built up agony and pain that she hadn't been able to release before now. She held her tighter. "I'm so happy you came back to us I mean feeling the way you did it must have been so difficult for you, because you probably felt that it was hopeless and that nobody cared and that if you vanished no one would notice because you just feel so bad inside right now."

She breathed in deeply. "Believe me though you're wrong and I care about you so much, I want to help you get better and get this awful thing out of you." She turned noticing that the others had made their way around and were staring in at her in utter shock apart from her brother who was giving her a knowing smile she turned away. She didn't really care for the others shock they just didn't know Asuka the way herself and Shinji did, Asuka was not a monster.

Yes this thing had changed her but inside she was so much herself and right now she needed to be shown compassion, kindness and love because she was so low emotionally.

End of part 28

Silvermoonlight