CONTEMPLATING THE MOMENT
Asuka watched as Rei put a large bowl of soup in front of her along with a spoon and water, her hair was still damp from the shower and she had been able to pull out her spare set of fresh clothes which she always kept in her locker. She'd been able to turn the bionic on again so she could walk she eased up her hand pulling the patch off her face putting it on the counter she didn't really care right now if Rei saw her scared blind eye as she'd seen it before.
She watched the younger woman took a seat opposite her on the bar counter which had cushioned seats on both sides. They were the only ones there the others had all gone else where. "What is this?" Rei pushed the bowl closer to her watching as she adjusted her patterned shirt. "Miso soup, it will make you feel better." She looked up slightly. "When was the last time you eat?" Asuka looked at the bowl. "I ate the morning before they discharged me from the hospital wing."
Rei blinked as she sat up. "That long? No wonder you feel terrible." She felt a smile form. "I though the first place you'd go when you got back on your feet was to that chicken bar and grill on the Arcades ninth floor, I mean I see you up there quite a lot you like to sit alone near the glass so you can look down in to the Delphi gardens."
Asuka eyed her before slowly using the spoon to drink the soup which was really nice despite that it was vegetarian, Rei had actuality watched were she went that was a surprise. She didn't think any one ever bothered to take any notice of her, she felt that she was completely invisible as people didn't talk to her and instead kept there distance and she always sat alone where ever she went in Nerv.
She knew where Rei went as well as she was normally with Shinji and Kaworu in the Japanese's restaurant up on the floor above her as she could look up and see them but she wasn't going to say anything regarding that it would properly sound like she was being a creepy or just be taken the wrong way. "I can't stomach the thought of chicken right now I think I'd just paint the bathroom floor again with something less than savoury."
Rei breathed in deeply Asuka really wasn't right emotionally there was no denying it, it was so clear now, she just wasn't herself she was so much more distant than normal and not very talkative. "Tell me something Asuka, what made you knock back so much alcohol? I mean I know you've been a heavy drinker in the past but it's been years since I've seen you have had so much in your system that it's affected your sync."
Asuka carried on drinking her soup feeling herself tense what was she meant to even say to this, that there was an ugly demonic looking angel following her around and screwing up her life? That she'd got so wasted in the hopes that she could rid herself off it only for it to fail. That he was sitting on the sofa across from her which he took up fully because he was bigger than a full grown lion and that he was watching their conversation very closely.
She looked up knowing this was a half truth and in part a lie but it was all she could use. "My grandmother gave me some videos of my mother….I saw myself in a birthing chamber and my mother she was so happy." She felt a sad smile form. "It was like I was some gift of the gods." She looked in to soup. "I got over emotional and started downing alcohol like it was water…I guess she'd be real disappointed by how her little red haired child turned out." Rei leaned over putting a hand on hers squeezing gently. "Don't say that Asuka." Asuka pulled her hand away though not to sharply.
Her problems shouldn't be Rei's, she had her own problems. "Look you have your own problems and you don't need to be burdened with mine." She looked in to her soup again. "You and your brother have always been very good to me even when I didn't deserve it and was nothing but selfish and cruel in return."
She breathed in painfully. "Thank you for all of the times you came to the hospital wing and for fixing my plug suit and getting me back on my feet today but you really don't have to burden yourself further on my account." Rei stared at her for a long moment she could see that there was no shield no barrier right now she was talking to the real Asuka and she was afraid she could see it in her good eye and because of that fear she was trying her best to push her away but at the same time was being polite as possible.
What was she so afraid off was it getting close to people or was it screwing it up like she said she had done in the past? Clearly Maya was right Asuka was afraid she just couldn't see it or comprehend it until now because in battle she'd always been so full on and without fear, she looked up as she spoke calmly. "I never realized that you felt so much emotion regarding my mother, I mean you've never met her." Asuka looked down nervously this was probably going to sound all wrong. "I watched some old footage of her in the old Nerv archives it was just footage of her working on unit 01 and your unit 00 with her older sister Kiko, they weren't personal videos or anything."
She moved her spoon through her soup. "I don't know I guess I just felt some sort infinity since she gave her life for the program, just like my mother but your mother everyone spoke so highly off her, they loved her so much and I think it's a such a shame that she died along with your aunt." She put her elbow on the table. "You look so much like her you have her hair and her green eyes you're as beautiful as she was." Rei turned seeing that Asuka hadn't looked up she was just staring in to her soup.
She had heard that comment before in the hospital wing though at the time she'd made Asuka feel uncomfortable by teasing her because she'd assumed it was an off hand comment and that maybe Asuka was just doing that coy thing that she used to do when she had gone after women in the past which was to try and stroke their ego's but it was clear to her now that it was a genuine comment spoken from the heart.
She felt a smile form. "You know I wish I had a photo of Ritsuko's face when you said that to her I don't think she expected that kind of response from you, I think she thought that you were just going to limp away and say nothing." Asuka spoke in an even tone. "Yeah well maybe she shouldn't have smacked me around the face with her clip board."
Rei looked up. "You know what she said isn't true, you're not worthless and you're not just the muscle of the group." Asuka eyed her empty bowl pushing it to one side. "No what she said is spot on, I am the muscle of this group she was even right about the fact that I still can't write that well in Japanese. I only passed my school grades because my grandmother twisted their arm to allow me to write my test answers in German, if I'd had to have written my answers in Japanese I would have failed." She breathed in deeply. "I took the degree in mechanics and engineering after school though the Nerv branch because that was where my personal interest's are and I always wanted to have a job if Nerv ever cut me loose, it was never a token bragging item." Rei put her hands together. "You know in school you always bragged about knowing everything and me and Shinji believed you." Asuka looked down sadly. "That was me being egoistic because I didn't want to look like a failure at the time I thought to fail made you weak, I just never wanted to look weak."
Rei shook her head. "We were all failing on some level in school Asuka we would have understood, being a pilot and trying to juggle school was always hard it's one of the reasons I don't miss school it was so much better when we all got our separate degrees through Nerv because we were getting them based on our personal interests." Asuka looked up feeling her eyes dart. "Didn't you major in psychology?" Rei looked up. "No bio physiology and engineering just like my mother."
Asuka looked down idiot she should have known that it was obvious wasn't it? Rei was motivated to one day create Evangelion's just like her mother had and she was fascinated to know how they worked but Ritsuko just wouldn't allow her into the restricted section where they were built. Personally though she felt that Rei motivation was about more than building them she had feeling that she desperate to know what lay in side the cores, in a way they all were it was Nerv's biggest secret. "May be one day you'll see what's inside those cores." Rei felt her smile widen. "I would love to see that I mean there must be such wonders in there." Bardiel's dark voice hit the air. "No she wouldn't." Asuka turned eyed him wishing that she could just tell him to shut up.
Rei followed Asuka's good eye realizing that something had distracted her and that she was staring at the three seat sofa closest to the wall. "Are you okay?" Asuka turned back looking down. "It's nothing." Rei leaned closer. "I'm sorry that was insensitive of me the core did awful things to your mothers mind." Asuka took a long drink off water. "No really I'm fine I'm just tired, just not used to having my own plug suit try to kill me." Rei looked at her she did look tired there was no denying that. "Asuka who do think rigged your plug suit that way I mean that was clearly intentional, I mean it was done to make you suffer?"
Asuka narrowed her gaze. "Probably Hayden just like most people around here he hates me but I guess he has good reason to." Rei shook her head there was that comment about everyone hating her it was so sad and it just wasn't true. "Why what did you do?" Asuka looked up. "When I was nineteen and I wanted his season ticket to the Ceno dome. You know where they have car and bike races and monster trucks, so I cheated him out of them I rigged the game so only I could win." Rei leaned closer. "Yeah but how?" Asuka breathed in sadly. "I memorized the whole card deck making sure he got the awful cards and I got the good ones."
She shrugged. "It was so easy but he hated me so much after it those tickets are very expensive, with our wages their two days salary but for the workers its two months salary he has always accused me of cheating and because of me he couldn't go that year." She breathed in deeply. "Maybe it's ironic that it turned out that way because that whole season ticket was what got me interested in motorbikes and building engines and because I was considered a celebrity they let me see inside the workshops. I basically had a back stage pass that whole year and I just spent loads of time with the mechanics they even taught me how to ride my first motorbike through it was just loan I had to give it back after the season."
Rei looked up slightly. "Can you still memorize the deck?" Asuka nodded. "Yes." Rei pushed her hair back. "Then maybe you should try doing magic tricks instead, it might be more fun." Asuka raised an eyebrow in confusion. "Magic tricks?" Bardiel's voice hit the air filled with sarcasm. "She mean's illusions with playing cards you idiot for someone who's meant to be intelligent, you can be really stupid at times." Rei raised her hands. "You know like magicians do I bet you'd be really good at it."
Asuka put a hand on her face in frustration. "Oh you meant that I knew that I just forgot." Bardiel laughed coldly. "Sure you did." Asuka slowly looked up into Rei's eyes. "Do you like magic tricks?" Rei nodded feeling a smile form. "Yeah I used to watch the kids do them in school but I never had the courage to ask how they were done." Bardiel tapped his clawed fingers on the sofa. "You know this might be your moment to shine maybe you can win her over with some stupid magic trick then teach her how it's done and then you can screw her, just like you've always dreamed of doing."
Asuka tensed, this was awful she was being given dating advice by an ugly ass demon she didn't want to do that with Rei it wasn't some lustful fantasy not in the way he was thinking. She felt the inner sadness hit her hard it was so much more than that and it was something that she didn't deserve to have. Rei looked up realizing that Asuka had completely spaced out almost like she wasn't there mentality anymore "Asuka?"
Asuka snapped painfully back into reality as she turned to her picking up her patch putting it back on her left eye. "I'm sorry would you excuse me, I need to lie down, I really don't feel well." Rei watched as Asuka got up moving over to her chair where she sat down then curling up instantly burying herself in the cushions. "You know I can read to you if you want I have this new book it's really interesting." Asuka breathed in deeply closing her good eye. "I'm okay really I just really need to sleep."
Rei blinked in confusion, what had just happened? She'd been opening up and then she'd just stopped like something had scared her and she had pushed her away. Maybe she was afraid of looking weak in front of her or maybe she had opened up to much and was now running scared. All that was clear to her was that she needed a friend right now it was she just didn't realize it as she was in such a bad place emotionally.
She took hold of her book opposite then moved over to three seat sofa by the wall sitting on it so she could keep an eye on the red haired woman who was already asleep clearly she was really tired. She turned watching as the standing light opposite flickered for a moment, she ignored it, it was probably some faulty breaker in the area it happened from time to time.
Bardiel moved his tail off the lamp shade he had moved off the sofa and was now laying opposite Asuka's chair, the green eyed woman could neither see him nor hear him but it was clear that he could slightly effect things in her world, like the lights it wasn't what he wanted but it was a start he got up moving closer so he was within inches of her face.
What did Asuka see in her? She wasn't special she was just like all of the women he'd passed by in Nerv. That was the only odd thing about human's in that there genders looked very different it was one thing that made them easy to distinguish the downside of their connection was that he could only go where Asuka went and her human form was limiting her due to illness and body damage. He could fix it all once she synced with him, though beating her around to start with had been amusing it just wasn't breaking her and maybe it was time to try from a different angle one she understood which was gifts.
Maybe if she became more then she might start to see his point of view. It would be easy to wake Asuka right now or visit her dreams but he was going to leave her alone for now and let her really sleep. He hadn't realized until now that human's needed a certain type of sleep something called rem sleep to function right and he'd been getting in the way of her getting any.
Her voice hit the air but it was small almost child like. "Mama." He turned seeing that, that word didn't go unnoticed as the other woman looked up surprise Asuka's voice came again even weaker. "Why did you have to die?" He turned realizing that she had also started crying in her sleep, which caused the other woman to stand up and go up to her looking her over to make sure she was okay as she leaned over stroking her hair trying to sooth her in her sleep, before pulling out a blanket from one of the draws close putting it over her.
He didn't understand this right now he could see Asuka's dreams she was reliving a memory but why the emotional affects it was just a half repressed memory? He didn't understand human emotions yet he so badly wanted to, he had relived this loop over and over and he was bored of his role it was the same every time. Human's lives were short they burnt out like candles they never remembered because they got reset like a stop watch. He had immortality he remembered everything every time, even his brothers and sisters did hence why they altered their forms and changed the game and tried to even the odds and win it was all one massive chess game over and over.
Yes, he could mess with Asuka's mind even have her walk down to the other creator who the human's called Lilith even though Lilith was a mix of both genders and they could merge together and make themselves a god but he had zero interest in that, he had done it before it wasn't interesting it was just the means to an ends and another boring repeat.
No, he wanted to get an understanding of humanity he wanted to stay in a world for sometimes rather than watch it go by in a flicker of the light. No his brother and sisters wouldn't be happy with his choice but since when were they ever happy with him anyway? He was tired of them all getting there glorious battles and trying to appease there sacred creator and father who the human's called Adam though it wasn't his real name but even if human's knew his real name he doubted that they could speak it or write it and he only taken the name Bardiel because that was what he had always been called by them and like his father he doubted they'd ever know his true name ether.
Mari had only won the battle because he'd made it real easy for her if he'd have really been really trying she would be dead but that didn't suit his purposes either. He wanted to understand rivalry as well as all of the other human emotions and it was true his siblings could laugh at his chosen human all day long but to him she was perfect in every way, she was messy canvas that he could repaint to his every desire.
8
Rei looked up as the doors opened behind her as Misato burst in followed by Maya her voice hitting the air. "I just heard what happened where is Asuka I need to talk to her!" She stood up from her sofa raising her hands watching Asuka shuffle under the blanket. "Please you need to be quite she's sleeping in her chair." She stepped back as they came closer. "Don't wake her up, she's really tired and she's had the one of the worst days ever."
Misato walked over catching sight of Asuka who was sleeping soundly on her chair curled up with a blanket wrapped around her she almost looked childlike. Rei turned looking at Asuka. "It took her a while to go into a really deep sleep." She turned to Maya. "Did you know that she talks in her sleep?" Misato shook her head. "No." Maya looked down sadly. "Yes." She looked up ignoring Misato's surprise. "Was she talking about her mother, crying in her sleep asking why she died?" Rei nodded. "Yes." Misato straightened her leather jacket eyeing Maya. "Have you two dated or something?" Maya rolled her eyes in announce. "Why does everyone in Nerv always ask me this? It's like the bane of my existence." Misato shrugged. "Look I assumed you being well the way you are and her being the way she is that you might have had a fling once."
Maya put her hands in her labs coat pockets. "You know you really need to stop assuming it's really not good for your health, firstly I would never take advantage of Asuka in that manner I'm her superior second we respect each other on a professional level." She raised her hand. "And last don't assume I'm the only employee at Nerv who is gay and Asuka the only one who is bisexual, it's such old world thinking. You have thousands of employees working under you of all sexualities you'd know that if you spent more time talking to your staff and less time ordering them around." Misato breathed in deeply. "Okay I get it."
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Maya folded her arms. "I know about her sleeping troubles because I saw them the last time she was in the hospital wing which was years ago after the battle with Shamshel. She knows that she does it but she doesn't ever want to talk about it and if you try to talk to her about it she locks you out completely." She shook her head sadly as she turned to Rei. "When your brother was in a relationship with her, he tried to talk about it to her but she put up barriers to keep him out." Rei blinked in shock. "He never told me any off this." Maya looked up slightly. "To be fair he probably kept it from you because it was Asuka's private business." Rei tensed painfully. "Yeah but I would have understood I mean her mother died so tragically."
Misato looked at Asuka again. "Yeah well Kaji was kind enough to pass me a recording of what happened today, I will say that Asuka's come back was most interesting." Maya looked down trying to hide her smirk. "That's one way of putting it." Misato felt a cold smile form. "Believe me I'm taking a personal copy of that recording just so I can watch Ritsuko's face when Asuka brought up the part about riding the director's unmentionables. I've heard that another copy has gone to Germany, I have no idea who sent it but it's out of my hands now and it was sent before I heard about the event so no one can point the finger at me or Kaji, clearly the person in Nerv who sent it is on Asuka's side so much so that they were willing to send it regardless of getting caught."
She shrugged. "It would have been sent anyway though as harassment and violence towards employees is strictly forbidden at Nerv and that includes the top brass picking on anyone underneath them." Rei breathed in deeply. "Yes but you put Mari up against a wall not long ago doesn't that count as the same?"
Maya folded her arms in annoyance. "Really you didn't tell me about that." Misato turned giving her a wide grin. "I can explain that." She raised her hands. "My point is Asuka's case is very different as she was attacked first and it was all about public humiliation." She breathed in deeply. "The bloody clip board is the killer, it's basically evidence and no one can dispute it along with the witness's even Gendo can't fight this one." Rei shook her head sadly. "There's more though, Asuka was sick all over the place when she got back to the wreck room bathroom and she nearly passed out on the floor. Her plug suit had not been calibrated at all it wouldn't even open, it was crushing her all of her injuries. I managed to fix it but it's clear that someone did it on purpose she thinks it was Hayden because they have bad history."
She folded her arms. "I got her out of the suit and I got her to have a shower and I gave her something to eat and drink. She's been very quite and emotionally distant and she seems to have lapses in concentration she's not herself at all." She turned to Maya as a knowing look passed between them. "You were right." Misato raised her hand. "Yeah well being hit by a clip board will do that to you."
"You people talk far too loudly."
Rei watched as Asuka got up rubbing the sleep out of her good eye. "You know the clip board didn't hurt that much it was the comments." Maya moved towards Asuka. "Sorry we didn't mean to wake you." Asuka moved over to chair opposite picking up brown leather jacket throwing it over her shoulders. "Its fine it's not like I was dreaming about anything interesting anyway." Rei watched as the light opposite started to flicker again. "You know I think the breakers faulty up here, its throwing off my reading lamp." Asuka turned watching as Bardiel tapped the light with his tail in an almost curious way which seemed more like it was about getting her attention. "Yeah clearly it's faulty."
Misato moved over to Asuka putting her hands on her shoulders causing her to turn to look at her. "You know no one is going to blame you for what happened Asuka Ritsuko's actions were very much out of order she doesn't have a leg to stand on and she knows she overstepped the mark." She looked up. "Your grandmother has already been sent the footage." Asuka pulled away from her sharply feeling the anger take over. "You sent that to my grandmother? Why would you do that she didn't need to know about this!"
She raised her hand. "No it was probably wasn't you it was Kaji, because he loves sticking his nose in where it's not needed no doubt he wants a bribe in return on my part." Maya moved towards her. "He defended you, in the full recording he gave Ritsuko a full dose of her own medicine and he tried to stop the test when he told her you weren't well not once but twice." Rei looked up. "That's true Asuka he did." Asuka put a hand on her face. "I really don't need this scheiss right now."
Rei moved over gently putting a hand on her leather jacket's arm seeing this as the right moment to speak since Asuka seemed to listen to her better than the others "Neither Kaji or Misato sent the footage Asuka someone else did you know how you are always saying that every one at Nerv hates you, well someone in that room today thought a great deal of you they sent it out because they thought what happened to you was unfair." Asuka looked down speaking in a bitter tone. "Yeah and on the same day someone tries to use my own plug suit to suffocate me and pop the stitches holding my guts in, clearly the Nerv staff must adore me so much." Rei breathed in deeply. "Please stop being this way Asuka people do care about you, I know it must be hard for you to see right now but they do."
Maya took a slow step forward she knew that those stitches hadn't been taken out as she had wanted that area to heal naturally and it was going to take a few more weeks for the wound to heal. "Are all of your stitches still intact?" Asuka looked up sharply. "There fine!" Rei moved to stand in front her, she eased her hand down putting it on Asuka's stomach being very careful not to put any pressure on her wound she'd seen it when she'd led her to one of the cubical showers as her plug suit being opened meant she could see some of her body.
It was a massive stitched up section and it took up a good part of her lower stomach and it was going to scar up much like the one Misato had higher up on her chest. "Are you absolutely sure Asuka?" Asuka took hold of her hand gently easing it of her stomach. "Yes." Misato moved closer putting her hand on her leather jacket sleeve. "Look you need to take it easy Asuka getting stressed out is not good for your health." Asuka stepped back forcing her arm free in a violent motion. "Get off me!" She put her hands in to her pockets. "I don't need a lecture from you off all people about my personal health."
Misato breathed in trying to keep it together. "Listen I know what your going though right now, I know what it's like to look like bloody pin cushion I also know what its like to spend days the hospital wing. It does things to your mind and I don't blame you for wanting to get wasted on alcohol because you don't want to remember the accident."
Asuka stepped closer to her grinding her teeth together as she spoke. "I didn't get wasted because I want to forget, I got wasted because I was forced to see something I wasn't ready to see it had nothing to do with the accident!" She tensed. "You think I'm a coward and I'm afraid of dying I'm not I've always been happy to lay down my life in the service of this program because it's my duty to my country. I know the accident wasn't my fault and I couldn't have changed anything I had no control over the UN Alpha test unit it was an angel." She took in a deep breath. "If you're interested though about what was inside that entry plug I'll tell you."
She narrowed her good eye as she gritted her teeth punctuating every word "I stared right into the abyss and it stared right back at me." She stepped away ignoring Maya's and Misato's confusion. "Now leave me alone, I'm going home…"
Misato turned feeling utterly deflated. "I can drive you home if you'd like." Asuka grabbed her bag as she moved towards the double doors. "I'd rather you not because one of your ancient hub caps might fly off half way down the road and cause an accident." Maya watched as the doors slammed shut as Asuka left. "That could have gone so much better really what compelled you to give the health speech you know perfectly well it doesn't work on her and never has it just makes her angry." Misato raised her finger. "Did she just insult my car by calling it old?!"
She raised her hand making a fist. "My car is not old, it just a classic outer shell the engine is all new its all power cores and it could win against your motorbike!" Maya shook her head. "You have such a great way with people it perplexes me every day as to how you became major of this grand organization." Misato straightened her jacket. "By ordering people like you around remember?"
Misato turned to Rei who looked saddened by the whole turn of events she moved closer to her. "She wasn't angry with you though I mean you even got to hang off her jacket arm and she let you touch her wound, if anyone else did that they'd get the reaction like what we got." She raised her finger. "She really likes you."
Rei breathed in deeply. "She's very sick it's not just her body it's her mind and emotions there all over the place and I've just been talking to her because she seems so alone right now." Misato shook her head. "What did she mean staring in to the abyss?" Rei looked up slightly. "It's a very old quote there are many meanings for it but most people say that it's about not becoming a monster because you don't play by a monsters terms, she probably meant it in reference to the angel which consumed the unit as it was probably prodding at her mind."
Misato turned slightly "You know that doesn't sound like a book she'd read, since I've only ever seen her read is comic books, graphic novels and magazines on engineering I've never seen her once with a book." Rei pushed her hair back in frustration. "You know she is intelligent why does everyone around here think that she's stupid just because she doesn't read books? My brother reads comic books and Mari reads…some interesting and strange things as well as comic books and graphic novels. My point is you can read anything in any format and it can still move you and you can still lean something from it." She picked up one of her books. "I just like to read books because it about having a link to the old world before the second impact."
Maya turned to Misato. "She has an excellent point." Misato turned looking at her. "Well we'll just see this as a stepping stone in Asuka's recovery she'll bounce back sooner or later I mean once she gets back in unit 02 she'll be fine, she's probably getting home sick from not being in it." Rei breathed in sadly Misato just didn't see it at all she was focused on Asuka's past behaviour she was completely ignoring the fact that mentality she wasn't there and other than herself and Maya no one else had cared to notice or if they had they just didn't care and that in itself was deeply saddening.
May be Asuka had a point about people's dislike of her because there was no denying that some cruel people got great pleasure out of setting fire to others like they were kindle and then they loved to sit back and watch them burn into the night while they drank in their fear and terror like some fine wine, she hated wine it reminded her of her father's lavish suppers up in his office. Maya turned sharply. "You're not seriously considering putting her in unit 02 after what happened today are you?"
Misato smirked as she raised her hand. "Oh come on today was Ritsuko's fault and the alcohol she just panicked that's all and we both know panic attacks can cause the sync to go out of alignment I'll let her relax tomorrow and let her do her own thing then I'll put her out onto the training field the day after." Maya stepped closer. "My self and the team have not fully analyzed that data from her failed test even Kaji said something wasn't right he talked about an odd brain wave in her sync. So please don't be reckless I do not want another berserker incident like with unit 01 back when the program started. We installed the beast mode for a reason so berserker could be controlled through the pilot and if an Evangelion goes out control it will be an endless rampage because the engine will just keep it going until it stops by itself because its want to, or its out of things to ruin."
Misato eyed her. "Asuka is a master at controlling beast mode, it won't be a problem." Rei put her hands together. "Please, don't put her in unit 02 she's not ready." Misato folded her arms. "You two are really getting too worked up over this we've been here before she'll be fine once she gets back in the saddle she always is." Maya breathed in feeling herself tense she just didn't get it at all or maybe she just didn't want to see that Asuka was mentality unwell and really suffering. "I don't condone this, its wrong." Misato folded her arms. "Yes well it's still my order and I outrank you."
8
I feel so weak and pathetic right now lying on my bed in the dark on my front my head buried in my pillow, I think they just want me pilot that is all they seem to care about. I don't want to get back inside that entry plug I just know it will happen all over again and I'll let people down and I will cause another incident. I can't even be bothered to put on my VR helmet and try that sexual simulation the energy isn't there and I know the girl and guy I switch between are not real their illusions its just a way of getting off just for the sensations theirs no feeling there its all empty. I just feel so lost and alone I don't know what to do or say anymore. Rei was so nice but I probably just came off as an idiot to her I didn't even know what magic tricks were I feel like I'm in a nightmare and there's no return from it and it's terrifying.
Asuka moved her hand over gently stroking her cat Erika who was lying next to her circled up in a ball. Bardiel was not in this room he was moving around her house. She could hear him and see him her cat didn't see him she'd walked under him four times obvious to the fact that he was even there, for the most part she'd just ignored him and he'd ignored her which meant she could at least focus and having something of a full meal and finally get things moving in her house like her washing and laundry.
She closed her eyes hearing her phone ring she grabbed the other pillow putting it over her head just wanting to phase it out as she had no intention of answering. She didn't care if it was Gendo no force on earth would bring her to pick up that phone dial. She listened are her answer phone message went off, which was her own recording and she really needed to change it she hated listening to her sixteen year old asshole self berate people by calling them perverts and jack offs.
She heard the slow beep as her grandmother's voice hit the air. "Asuka it's your grandma here, I know you've been through a lot today but you need to pick up the phone I saw the footage from Nerv someone sent it to me, you need to talk to me little one." She could hear her tapping her pen at the other end of the line before she spoke again. "No one blames you Asuka this wasn't your fault and believe me I will be talking to Ritsuko tomorrow personally over the com she will never ever lay a hand on you again." Her grandmother breathed in sharply before speaking again. "Also don't worry about your sync test your mother well lets just say before the accident she had some difficulty syncing a few times and suffered similar problems but she bounced right back and so will you."
Asuka listened as the message ended only for her phone to go off again only for a different deep male voice to hit the air this time. "Hi Asuka it's Kolby your favourite cousin I heard that mean ass bitch who is second in command at Nerv hit you in the face with a clip board today just to prove a point, Grandma is spitting nails over here like you wouldn't believe." He breathed in deeply. "You know if you pick up maybe we can talk and I can send you something to cheer you up. You know like more comics and graphic novels they have got this new series out on that massive reptile you like who attacks cities and blow shit up with his atomic breath what's he called again?"
Asuka felt a sneer form as she spoke through gritted teeth. "It's Godzilla you idiot." Kolby's voice came again. "Yeah well I can get you all the new issues and have them sent over because I know you like that or I can send you some more resin kits over, I know you love building and painting them." There was a long pause. "Come on Asuka pick up I know you're there."
She could hear him tapping his fingers on the other end of the line. "When you're feeling better please give me a call." Asuka felt the sting of her own tears before she could stop them, it was familiar painful feeling of loneliness and disconnection of not belonging not having that one really close person she share anything with. She knew her family loved her and she felt really guilty for not answering but she didn't want to end up crying over the phone to grandma like she had done in the hospital.
Everyone was telling her none of this was her fault but a part of what had happened was her fault because she just couldn't keep her stupid mouth shut when it actuality mattered. May be if she'd just gritted her teeth and taken the abuse none of this would have happened but she had just wanted her pound of flesh as usual. Everyone was laughing over her comeback almost worshiping it accept her, to her it felt like some hollow victory and she didn't make her feel any better.
"Why do you cry I mean you cried all last night as well? I fail to understand the use of tears they serve no purpose." Asuka turned seeing that Bardiel was next to the bed looking directly at her. "It's a way of releasing pain and I do it because I know the consequences of not doing so are much worse." Bardiel spoke as understand drew up on him. "Because you're worst pain manifests itself as violent anger and others feel the cruel sting."
Asuka pulled her head up sharply putting the pillow to one side. "Yes! Now why don't you get out my verficktes face and go sleep downstairs on the sofa or something because you're not welcome in my bedroom or on my bed!" Bardiel looked up. "I don't sleep, eat or dream." Asuka narrowed her gaze. "Guess you don't feel emotion either, hence why you're such an insurable bastard." Bardiel flicked his tail around. "What is a bastard?"
Asuka buried her head in her pillow. "It means you don't have a father, now verpiss dich!” Bardiel eyed her. "You do not have father either you're just a product of human manufacturing." Asuka didn't raise her head. "Yeah well at least I was created with my mother's egg and a sperm I doubt you can say the same." Bardiel eyed her confusion. "Sex and reproduction, this is something I do not understand fully that is not to say I don't understand how it's done I just don't understand the emotion behind it." Asuka pressed her head further in to her pillow wishing she could just block him out right now. "Yeah well I'm not going to tell you like you said before my liking of women makes me pointless to you because I can't produce children through the act."
Bardiel looked up slightly. "But you've had male partners as well and one long standing one called Shinji for a time, before you lost it because of your red sea vision which Shamshel showed you where's he was strangling you." He felt a sneer form. "I never liked Shamshel she has what you human's would say is a poor sense of humour when it comes to getting inside peoples heads."
Asuka pulled her head off the pillow. "You know compared to you having her in my head was horrible but I could tolerate it." Bardiel leaned closer. "Yet she placed doubt in such a way she changed your future and your thinking even how you act towards others, I would not do that it wouldn't be fair." Asuka eyed him in disgust. "No you're much worse you're the equivalent of a spanner being forced into my brain and then turned." Bardiel tapped his clawed fingers on the bed. "That's because you resist and fight back, it would be so much easier if you just accepted me and allowed me to merge with your mind and body, like I said before I can heal that sickly body of yours I can make you a wonder beyond your wildest dreams."
His mouth formed a cold smile. "Also be happy I'm not Arael, who you have yet to meet, because he is the true master of the mind, he is our creator's most worshipped son for his mental skill over others and he would mess up your mind in a way that might kill you." He raised a clawed finger. "He does so love screwing with your mind, he's done it before but he's bored now and we switched places." Asuka breathed in deeply. "You speak off things like they've already happened yet they haven't, you spoke of other versions of me, what do you mean by that I just don't understand." Bardiel stepped away from her bed. "Merge with me fully and I might just let you find the answers beyond your scope of limited human understanding."
Asuka looked at him for a long moment. "Tell me why do you keep showing me that blue haired red eyed school girl who looks like Rei. You know to keep reminding me how badly I messed things up with her in the past, is that like one of your twisted jokes?" Bardiel blinked in confusing what was she talking about, had he hit one of brains neurons by mistake? Though he wanted to alter her perception he had been trying very carefully not to tap certain sectors of her mind like memories, emotional desires and he was going to great lengths to repress her sexual drive as much as possible though she was very unaware of it.
He was doing this because he wanted her to keep her focus on him maybe he had touched some neuron by mistake clearly he would have to fix that. He knew he was effecting her emotions but that was very necessary despite that it was making her even more miserable than she'd been before he'd come along. She had something humans called depression and she had it for many months and he was taking every opportunity to tap in to her darker feelings because he wanted her to want him and need him.
He looked up. "Trust me I would not bother you with that kind of vision because I know you'll never act up on that desire deep inside your heart because your too afraid and she'd probably reject you anyway. After all you're just broken goods and very much out of her league and we both know that she sees you as an idiot." Asuka felt the tears come again only harder the worst part was she knew that he was right she leaned forward burying her head in her pillow.
End of part 15
Silvermoonlight