IN THE LONELIEST OF PLACES

Rei sat down on her seat on the three seat sofa in the pilots wreck room easing up her hand held once again she was alone here as it was that time of the day. She was bored she was always bored at this time of day and she had wanted to visit Asuka but that wide toothy grin had just put her at such much unease, it just reminded her all over again of her bad memories in school with Asuka.

The sad part was although she'd said to Asuka that it didn't get to her it did, it always had because it made her feel like she had no control. Yes Asuka had changed but maybe some memories just didn't die, Misato was right maybe it was just guilt or pity that drove her to that hospital room day after day. Maybe she was just going up there for all the wrong reasons it was just no one else was really visiting her and everyone was keeping there distance to a certain degree.

Yes they all visited but it was just drop by visits no one ever stayed over an hour with her, she was the only one. Maybe she just went up there was because the only thing she had in common with Asuka was loneliness in that she wasn't really part of the group at least not in the way she wanted to be. Mari was very good friends with Toji and Shinji and Kaworu were also very close and she just hung around the group but she didn't feel close with anyone other than her brother, though she got on well enough with all of them apart from Mari.

Also there interests and hers were very different, they had no interest in gymnastics and they didn't like motorbikes or even speed they even lived in an old fashioned way, where as she liked the to live in a more modern way even if her house was somewhat minimalist. She eased her bare feet out of her sandals folding her trouser legs over as she lay back on the sofa, Asuka was also honest the others even her brother tried to sugar coat everything so as to not hurting her feelings.

Sadly though Asuka was difficult and she was never quite sure what was going on in her head as her emotions could switch so sharply and that dangerous element scared her because she'd seen her brother get really badly hurt by it. She should just leave Asuka alone, she could walk now she'd probably just go back to her own solitary life and bounce back as she always did after injury it was what she was very good at. Maybe three months from now she wouldn't even care to remember that she was there or that they'd ever talked at all.

"I thought I might find you here."

Rei looked up seeing Maya quietly enter the room closing the double doors behind her. "Hello Maya." She paused her game. "Is everything okay with Asuka?" Maya moved forward carefully seating herself in Asuka's seat much to Rei's surprise. "Yes she's fine I thought you'd come up this afternoon." Rei looked at her game. "I was just tired." Maya felt a wide smile form. "Are they running you ragged on the training field?" Rei looked up. "A little yes, I think it's the training of Toji it's getting very serious now."

Maya breathed in seeing no point in playing down what was really on her mind. "You know Asuka really missed your afternoon visit today, I mean she was looking at the glass for a long time wondering if you'd show up and seemed kind of sad when you didn't." Rei looked up slightly. "Yeah well I'm sure she has many other friends around Nerv visiting her, other than me." Maya looked up. "No there aren't, yes Shinji and all the others except Mari have visited her but you're the only one to spend any real time with her since the accident and I think she really misses your company." Rei leaned on her elbow. "Look she's Asuka, she doesn't need company she makes it very clear that she doesn't want or need people in her life."

Maya felt a sad smile form. "People sometimes push others away because their afraid to mess things up and their scared of opening up." Rei looked up sharply. "Asuka isn't afraid of anything least of all loneliness, I've seen her house it screams that she likes her own personal space." Maya put her hands together. "You mean her home with the recliner chair and the sofa that no one sits in or sleeps on yet she still has it there even though it's empty as if hoping someone might sit there one day."

Rei felt her eyes dart in confusion. "You've been to her house?" Maya nodded calmly. "Yes many times but I've never told Misato because she would take offence as she's never been able to reach out to Asuka and she can't understand why Asuka keeps her at a distance and it's all to do with trust, she doesn't trust Misato with her secrets." She breathed in deeply. "I've known Asuka for years I've seen her at both her best and her worst and it pains me that people don't give her a chance because she has a unique and some times difficult personality."

She looked down sadly. "Because under there is someone who has a very warm heart and there just dying to get out." She leaned back in the chair. "She just doesn't know how and I just want her to be happy." Rei put her hand held console to one side. "I don't get it why are you two not together?" Maya shook her head as she looked up. "We are not right for each other, we never have been and we both know that and our friendship means more as we support each other." She raised her hand. "Look Rei all I'm asking is that you give Asuka a chance, because you know once you get past those walls you might really find that you like the person underneath and you might see someone worthy of your time."

She stood up slowly. "I'm the only real friend she's got and every day it worries me that when an angel attacks I might die and she will be all alone in the world without a single person that she can trust or count up on or turn to. She really needs someone other than me in her life." She put her hand in her lab coat pocket. "In fact that stupid toothy smile she gave you, I know why it scared you but believe me she very rarely tries to smile at anyone that way and ever since you started spending time with her, she's been trying with you in a way she doesn't with other people."

She moved towards the double doors. "Look I'm not telling you how to live your life or what to do and you're perfectly entitled to carry on as normal regardless of my opinion but I'm just saying that that you could be missing out and Asuka could be a great friend to you and she will always protect you fiercely from any one who means you harm." She opened the doors. "Asuka will be discharged tomorrow morning all being well though she'll have to wear the leg bionics under her clothing until her legs fully heal. All of her drugs are working and since she's not going to have stem cell therapy on her left eye or have a robotic replacement there's no need for her to stay any longer in the hospital wing. Though I think she'll be happy to leave the place it is driving her crazy and she keeps complaining about having strange dreams."

She turned meeting the younger woman's curious gaze. "Her grandmother is also leaving tonight as she has to return to the German division and it will be a while before she returns and you might want to say hello just to see how she's doing, I think she would like your company." Rei watched as she left she had not expected this conversation at all and now she felt out of sorts and very confused.

Asuka had always boasted about having friends and being adored by everyone in Nerv in her youth but now that she thought about it Asuka had not been to the annual Christmas party where all the employees met up and talked for the last three years. Was she really that lonely? She found it hard to wrap her head around that concept as Asuka had always been so outgoing and she was good at making conversation when they'd first met on the program. Maybe she no longer knew how to make conversation anymore or maybe her interests like her own just didn't reach people and she couldn't relate to anyone anymore on a personal level.

As sad as this was if she was honest with herself she probably knew why Asuka was alone, Asuka was alone because she'd burnt all of her bridges in the past and no longer knew how to repair them that wasn't for her to fix them despite what Maya was saying she couldn't fix Asuka only Asuka could do that herself. Her brother had gotten so badly hurt walking that road and she just didn't feel up to doing the same.

It was just too much work and effort and the danger was just too great because the red head had always had such a short fuse in the past and she just didn't want feel up to facing that kind of wraith. Maybe it was selfish to walk away and not pay any mind to Maya but she couldn't help it, it was just not a path she wanted to walk down even if they did become closer as friends it would always be onesided because Asuka was always so much about herself, it had always been that way and she doubted it would ever change any time soon.

This book's true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience.

8

Geraldina looked at her granddaughter who was sitting on the bed in her white hospital trousers and shirt with the bionics still locked to her legs she was walking now though she would have to carry on wearing this device up until her legs fully healed but she was going to be discharged later on tonight. She was staring at the glass with her good eye as if waiting for someone to come and she had a very good idea who. "Is your friend Rei not coming today?"

Asuka looked down sadly. "No she's not coming today." Geraldina put her hand on her granddaughters. "I'm sorry Asuka." Asuka shrugged. "It doesn't matter anyway." Geraldina looked down sadly she knew by the hurt tone that it did matter and because of this she felt bad for what she had to say next. "You know I have to be back in Germany by tonight, but believe me I don't want to, if I could stay longer I would you know that right?" Asuka pulled up her knees leaning her head against them as she wrapped her arms around them. "I know Grandma." Geraldina pulled up her bag easing something out. "I brought these for you from Germany." She raised the data discs. "They belonged to your mother." Asuka took one from her hand looking at it. "What are they?"

Geraldina breathed in deeply. "They are your mother's videos of you being grown and born right up to your birth and there's some videos of when you lived with that other family there's also lots of videos of your mother working on 02. They're copies I have the originals back home and I know I should have given them to you years ago but I never felt that you were ready, I think now maybe you are." She looked down sadly. "I know your mother would have wanted you to have them, you can play them right, I mean disc format isn't too old, I know young people are now using data cards?"

Asuka turned the gleaming disc between her fingers. "No Grandma it's perfectly fine, I've always preferred discs anyway I only have four data cards and I only ever use them for home projects because it gives me the hologram screen which makes it easier to work on my bike, my real bike that is not the crappy one I use for work." Geraldina looked up as she laughed. "You call that bike crappy yet you built it from the ground up, it was your first real major project before the Trident before that you just built engines and sold them off."

Asuka looked up. "Its still sucks." Geraldina felt a smile form. "I saw that the Trident is almost finished have you ridden it yet?" Asuka felt a slight smile form. "Once or twice yes, engine still isn't right I need to fix the power core usage it keeps draining to fast." Geraldina put a hand on her arm. "I'm so proud of you building that I mean you built it from parts which you pulled in from all over the place." Asuka shook her head. "Yeah well I wasn't going to get on the waiting list it's far to long, it was just easier to buy in everything and build it from scratch, it also meant I could convert the engine to go faster and smoother while using less power from the cells among others things."

She looked at the discs. "Thank you Grandma, for the discs and everything you've done it means a lot." Geraldina gave her a wide smile. "Any thing for my granddaughter, I'm just so glad that they got you walking I feared you might not ever walk again." Asuka eased up a finger to her eye patch. "I told you before Maya is an incredible friend and doctor she can heal up almost anything."

Geraldina put her hands together. "I know that but have you had any second thoughts about your left eye? I mean a robotic one might be helpful." Asuka shook her head carefully piling up the data discs. "I don't want a robotic one and besides you could have a robotic replacement finger but you've always said you don't want one."

Geraldina eyed her hand looking at her four fingers. "That is true but you can live without fingers eyes are a different matter." Asuka shook her head. "I don't need perfect vision inside the entry plug Grandma, the Evangelion's systems can also compensate for the sight loss they just need re-calibrating." Geraldina nodded calmly. "So long as you're sure Asuka and you can always change your mind."

She looked up slightly. "On the topic of your friend Rei, I think you should maybe talk to her she seems so nice." Asuka looked down trying to hide her sadness. "Look we are not friends Grandma and she just brought up things maybe because she felt guilty that the others weren't visiting." Geraldina felt a coy smile form. "I don't know about that, I think maybe your seeing to much of the negative and not the positive." She folded her arms. "After all she brought you, your favourite drink." Asuka raised an eyebrow. "Please that doesn't mean she likes my company." She raised her hand. "Why are you pushing this on to me Grandma?" Geraldina stood up putting her hand on hers. "Because I really want you to be happy, I think you deserve that."

Asuka looked down knowing her next words were an outright lie as she spoke them. "I am happy." Geraldina looked at her she wasn't fooled by that remark in the slightest she leaned over putting her hand under her granddaughters chin turning her head to face her. "Don't lie to me Asuka, I know you better than that and you're a terrible liar, you always have been." She breathed in deeply. "You might be able to pull the wool over the whole of Nerv and even your best friend Maya but I can see right through you. I know you're not happy. You've not been happy for a long time and you're trying to do what you always do which is burying your feeling under bravado and hope that no one notices."

She moved her hand away. "It's not weak or cowardly to reach out to others and ask for help or to want company and I think we both know that you've been on your own too long." Asuka looked down unable to keep the anger out of her voice. "You don't understand I created this! Because I was an insurable egoistic know it all in my youth, I hurt a lot of people hurt a lot of feelings and I felt a trail of wreckage in my wake. I broke hearts and ruined friendships and these people have every right to hate me and to not want to be around me."

Her anger melted away turning to sadness as she felt the sting of her own tears. "I don't even know how to reach these people anymore and even if I did I know they'd just read out all my past misgivings to me and the worst thing is I know I deserve their every misgiving because when they needed me I wasn't there for them, I only cared about myself." Geraldina slowly wrapped her arms around her this was truly heartbreaking and confirmed her suspicions that her granddaughter had been both lonely and depressed for a while but was just too proud and afraid to admit it to anyone.

"You shouldn't give up hope Asuka, you changed other people have changed and it's a long time since you've been that person. These people here should give you a second chance you deserve that much and if they don't then they are truly cruel and you don't owe them anything." Asuka breathed in painfully ignoring the tears as they ran down her face, if only she could believe that she was worth that chance, the truth was that she wasn't, no one had ever been her savour and she didn't expect anyone here at Nerv to drop everything on her behalf.

When her life had been all about her being a pilot it had been easy to ignore her other emotions but years on she realized she nothing outside of being a pilot in fact she no longer cared if she was sitting in 02 seat or not, it didn't mean anything to her anymore because in the past six months she had just been going through the motions. Her only ability was to kill people when they were out on public missions and to be the lethal stick to beat the angels with last minute, outside that her value was nothing to the team.

Even her own hobbies didn't mean anything to her anymore, truth was the bike could have been finished weeks ago but she'd just had no energy for it, nothing made her happy money wise and nothing moved her emotionally she just felt dead inside. The loneliness was the worst though and she knew it. It was always in the back of her mind that she would never find anyone who loved her be they man or woman and that she would die alone and no one would care to mourn her passing and she'd just become a forgotten shadow.

The worst sensation of all though the one though that caused her so many problems was the anxiety and it was getting harder and harder to hide it and her dreams did not help at all in fact they made it worse. She kept seeing this monster over and over he seemed so real, he even called himself Bardiel and every part of her wanted to believe that he was just in her head but the things he came out with were so real. He felt real, his actions seemed real and the way he got into her feelings and mind terrified her every time.

She just wanted to run and hide from him but she never could, she was never in control in the dreams he was. She knew she couldn't talk about him to anyone because everyone would believe that she had gone crazy and her greatest fear of all was ending up like mother had been which was behind glass in a ward for people who had lost there minds. She'd rather die than go through that because she knew she'd never be able to handle it mentally.

Her mother had hung herself from a rope along with her stupid doll which she believed to be her, though she'd grown past her hated of dolls. The whole event still stuck in the back of her mind like a knife and she knew it was the one thing she was weak against as she knew people could use it against her out in the real world and that terrified her. Because no one liked her enough to defend her she knew that they'd all turn on her in a heartbeat because of her past actions.

End of part 12

Silvermoonlight