BEING HONEST TO A FAULT

Maya looked up as Asuka entered her office closing the door behind her. "I'm so glad you're here did you enjoy training this morning?" She raised her hand. "I mean you seem a little happier." Asuka breathed in deeply as she calmly sat herself on the chair opposite Maya's desk she'd sat here so much over the years that it now just felt common place. "I feel better…but nothing makes sense anymore." Maya turned meeting her good eye. "In what way Asuka?" Asuka leaned forward. "Everyone's being so nice to me, its just making me really uncomfortable." Maya raised an eyebrow. "Ah yes I heard they dropped the price of your art equipment and that your lunch was free and some of the employees brought you food and drink."

Asuka folded her arms. "Its annoying, I don't want their gifts regardless of the reason." Maya felt a sly smile form. "I heard you and Rei had a nice lunch though." Asuka raised her hand. "Believe me we had a great time, I really enjoy her company." She looked down slightly. "It was nice being together I mean Bardiel still hasn't shown up, I know he's still around and the delay really bothers me." She eased her hand in her pocket pulling out the disc which contained Rei's feed. "I owe you an apology when I sixteen I stole this from you, I knew it was against the rules I took it when you were trying to make me see sense with my sexuality and I kept it for years, I wanted to return it." Maya raised an eyebrow slowly taking it from her hand. "I was wondering when this would finally show up again."

Asuka looked up sharply. "What, you knew I took it?!" Maya eyed her for a long moment. "Asuka I may be older than you but I'm not blind or stupid I saw you swipe it and then stroll off in your school uniform with it straight out of my office door." She turned the disc between her fingers. "I knew one day you'd return it, so I never reported it and I know that's how you got Rei's voice activation for your video."

She looked up slightly meeting the younger woman's good eye. "I knew the day you returned this to me would mark the day that you'd really changed for the better and I'm really proud of you Asuka." She paused for a moment before speaking. "I have to ask though did you ever use it for the original purposes intended which I'm guessing might have something to do with those sexual dating VR simulations where you have to win over the AI man or woman before they sleep with you." Asuka shook her head. "No I never used it in that way though that was what I stole it for and I told Rei this as well as she had a right to know." Maya looked up slightly. "How did she take that?" Asuka breathed in deeply. "She was more understanding than I thought she'd be I fully expected her to get angry and I wouldn't have blamed her I mean what I doing was a breach of her privacy."

She paused feeling uncertain of her next words. "She's nicer to me than I deserve." Maya leaned closer. "What's really bothering you Asuka?" Asuka eased up her hands looking at them. "Does depression ever go away, does it get better? I mean I still feel sad on the inside despite feeling slightly happier on the outside. I just worry that the good feelings I get will vanish that it will all fall down and I'll just go back to being invisible." She took in a painful breath. She breathed in painfully. "I also wonder if the only reason people even care is because Bardiel is in my head, I mean what if once I get him out no one cares any more?"

Maya put her hands together. "It does get better Asuka, you have to believe me when I say that but it is slow and you will have difficult moments where you do despair and you question but it gets less over time." Asuka slowly pulled her patch off looking her in the face right now she'd rather she see her true face not her hidden one. "I feel really awful I remember when Shinji was so going through this and I just kept calling him a weak loser but it's awful it's like have such difficulty feeling your own emotions and sometimes there nothing beyond the pain and agony." Maya typed her panel bringing up the hologram screen pulling up a section of the training. "You know I saw what you did on the training field with that spear, you stopped it and sent it back." Asuka eyed the freeze frame. "What's so big a deal about that?"

Maya eyed the frozen image. "You do know only Rei and Shinji can do that right, the others can't?" She pointed at the screen. "Perhaps you shouldn't underestimate your potential Asuka." Asuka leaned against the table. "Maya I'm just a weapon that's all I've ever been, how is this going to impress anyone its not like Misato even cares, she never has she just sees me as a burden and a huge waste of time." Maya shook her head. "I know you don't trust her Asuka but maybe she might give you a second chance to shine."

Asuka felt a cold smile form. "Please she just sends me out to kill people it's mind numbing and painful." Maya looked up slightly. "You don't like killing people?" Asuka put her hands together. "I know its part of the job, at first I enjoyed it, I revealed in it but now I just have to close my ears to the screaming." She looked down sadly. "I get it they're the enemy, I get that we have to do it, it comes with the job but it just doesn't make it easier maybe because I know that every body is someone's son or daughter but maybe I'm just weak for thinking that way."

Maya eased her hand up putting it on her shoulder seeing the colours dim in her left eye. "It's not weak to have compassion Asuka, it makes you human no ones expects you to be made of stone, Rei hates it to so does Shinji, it just means your thinking like them. They've both gone through what you've been through and it's much easier to kill angels because they don't look human but it's an awful business killing our own. Nerv has a whole branch set up above me for male and female soldiers and special ops suffering from post traumatic stress, because they killed too many times and they have issues pulling the trigger, so its okay for you to feel this way, just don't bottle it up you have to come here and talk to me okay? I'm not your therapist I'm your friend."

She squeezed gently. "Plus we'll start your sessions tomorrow I mean I saw that your arts came in." Asuka looked down. "Yeah well like I said before I'm not that good." Maya leaned back pulling up one of her images which was a sketch of her under the bloody sea with Bardiel swimming around her in a circle. "I beg to differ I found this one curious since you don't swim in deep water."

Asuka eyed the image. "I'm not afraid of the bloody water, I never have been I mean it tastes sweet to me I've even swam under it into the deep waters, it's the blue water I can stand it's the smell the taste the feel red water doesn't feel like its compressing me. I, just don't tell people about the red water thing because they think I'm really strange and they say that it tastes of blood to them and it makes them sick." She leaned on her elbow. "In red water I feel like I've been there before I've felt it all my life, it's like déjà vu and as a child I used to have these dreams that I surfaced from it and crawled out on to a sandy beach and there were white statues breaching the surface miles away and every time I would role onto my back and look up in to this dark galaxy of stars with a bloody halo around the moon as if I was waiting for something like a new beginning like I was destined to restart some kind of clock."

She shook her head. "But its stupid they're just dreams and dreams never make sense and maybe it was just a delusion of grander that I think that I was ever that important, I mean people don't reset time it's impossible." Maya looked up slightly. "I think if it was me I'd be sad that it got to that place to start with, I mean what sorrow and pain could drive a person to want to reset time and start over?" Asuka looked up slightly. "I have no clue and that's why it unnerves me."

8

Misato took a bite of her out of her Mochi ice-cream she was seated up in the deliquescent cafe up on the twentieth floor as the Arcade she slowly turned the pages of the pilot's official photo book with her other hand which had every photo from the start of the program right up to the present day. Each pilot had a separate part and at the back were the group photos and at start of every section was a photo with there golden printed signature on it.

She turned finding Asuka's section seeing the childhood photos some which were very angry and others that were filled with ego and smirks they were happy and the entry plug interface clips were on even in school uniform photos. She turned the pages slowly seeing the years start to go by as Asuka's whole look changed her face becoming full of rage and anguish as the eighteen year mark drew to a close after the battle of Shamshel. The interface hair clips disappeared completely no longer showing themselves in her casual clothing which suddenly changed very drastically.

Where there had been flowing dresses jeans and t-shirts with logo designs on them were starting to appear and her pose had changed in that she wasn't looking so much at the camera but more offside in deep thought. She turned the page seeing the brown leather jacket with its red stripes appear on her twentieth year photo and the pose had changed even more it wasn't exaggerated and her face was completely unreadable and it was the same in all of the photos including the plug suit ones.

She breathed in turning to the twenty first year though the photos showed more of a scowl of utter disinterest like she was clearly just going through the motions and just wasn't really trying. Though that year the photographer had clearly used it to make her look edgy by sitting her in most well known sitting pose with her arm on her knee and tried to get in really close on a couple of the facial portraits. She turned the final section which counted as three different photo shoots the first one there was a real change but the emotion reflected was anger but it wasn't like the other pictured it looked painful almost bitter and her eyes were hiding nothing.

She moved to the next ones which was just plain awful there was nothing there not in her face or eyes it was like someone had sucked the emotion out of her and she looked so tired like she was really struggling. This was clearly the on set before her depression had really started to kick in which meant that she'd been depressed for six months possibly more. She turned to the last set which were beyond awful she looked really sad and miserable in them and really spaced out it was all so obvious now yet she had missed it all.

Asuka had been depressed yet she'd still been able to get her Evangelion to move but then Shinji had been able to do this as well and they'd always been very similar in some respects. They could both clearly somehow force the more painful feelings down enough that it didn't effect the sync but it did explain why Asuka's had been getting lower over the last three years.

She flipped to the back eyeing the group photos noticing as well that through the years that Asuka's position was moving away from being central and more to the corner but there was something else more perplexing in the all off the last three years of photos no matter how miserable or sad she looked her eyes were always fixed on Rei it was always a distant longing gaze. She flipped back to the school ones seeing the one where Rei and Asuka had been pictured together though Rei didn't look happy she looked uncomfortable and Asuka had this leering smile on her face as she was bent over her. She flipped back to the recent photo's so much had changed Asuka was a different person now the images showed a transition of change and none of it which she'd ever really taken any notice of even when Asuka had been under her roof.

She had clearly become sad and unhappy over time and now she could see her moving out day all over again in her head when she'd hit twenty as she had literally stopped spending her money and saved it all for six months just so she could buy that house outright. Granted she'd already had savings as they had started paying all of the pilots once they hit sixteen but she had saved because she also wanted to refit the home she was going to live in so she'd saved more. She had taken no part in helping her look around houses like she had done for Shinji, Rei and even Kaworu hell she'd even gone with Mari and Toji to their homes just to check them over and give an opinion before they brought them.

A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

She put a hand on her face realizing something horrible, she had never given Asuka a go away party she'd just taken it that she didn't want one as she hated social gatherings and at the time she'd just assumed she was being cold when in truth she was probably just thinking that no one gave a damn about her. It was properly were her idea that everyone hated her at Nerv had come from because even those closest didn't seem to care and Maya had to pick up the pieces. She flipped the pages finding the group photos again as Rei and Asuka had more photos together but more recent as they'd always been photographed side by side in some manner. She leaned closer to the last three which were plug suitd ones seeing that Asuka was distant and very sad again but Rei was noticing as she was looking in her direction in both confusion and concern.

Kimi had said she'd tried to say she was ill and her emotions must have been really raw that day hence why she didn't want to be photographed yet she had always told the photographer that Asuka's attitude was naturally cagey and no concern. Yet this was a concern the photo shoot should never have happened and Asuka should have been allowed to leave and she should have been there that day she needed to get it so her photo's could be somehow be re-shot and the banner up in the visitor centre changed.

She flipped to the one off section at the back which showed relationship photos seeing the ones of Asuka and Shinji the so called golden couple as they'd been crowned at the time by the media and though the first one and the kiss photos looked happy the last ones didn't on any level they both looked miserable and distant a clear indicator that their relationship later down the line just wasn't happy. She had to do everything in her power to fix this and whatever it took. She had literally left Asuka to vultures in some respects the media thought she was joke and she felt she had hardly any friends and in her head she was probably just thinking right now that possibly the only reason anyone cared was because of Bardiel who had firmly seated himself in her brain it showed as to why she was clinging to Rei so desperately.

Because other than Maya she was her only link back to a world she was no longer part of and even then she didn't believe she deserved her as a girlfriend or lover. Because in her head she probably thought once she took the step she'd be rejected anyway because that was what always happened in her life so instead of following her heart she was playing it safe and accepting that friendship was enough despite that Rei was the one person who she loved very deeply and always had.

The feeling clearly went both ways though she couldn't speak fully for Rei her gut told her that she did love Asuka because she allowed her to touch her in a way she didn't others. The only person who she let hug her like that was Shinji but with Asuka she allowed so much more there was moment in the feed when Asuka had laid her head against her shoulder but had not hugged her and she had put her arms in place. There had been another moment where she'd literally frozen during the fight with Mari where Asuka had put a hand on her face it was just a gentle caress but it had been enough for Rei to be so overthrown that she lost focus and been deeply distracted.

She flipped the book finding the recent photos of Shinji and Kaworu catching that look of longing again through it was Shinji making the face this time and Kaworu seemed a little unaware. Though she wasn't quite sure as the most recent photo he was looking at him and the photo was framed with them hugging. Clearly he was in the same boat as Asuka in that he wasn't acting on his feelings and she knew why like Asuka he'd been spoon fed some awful homophobia growing up but unlike Asuka who had broken away from those restraints and come out he never had.

Also when she thought about it there had been a number of times in the past when he asked her questions about men being together but she'd flippantly shrugged off his questions telling him to ask Asuka about it, which he would have never done anyway because of the history between them and would have been afraid of starting a fight.

Rei on the other hand she had spoken to about sex but the younger woman had always seemed really uncomfortable about the topic and had tried any excuse to leave the room whenever it was brought up though she'd never let her leave until the conversation was over as she'd felt that they should all know about sex, consent and sexual protection be it birth control or using condoms.

There was something going on there but she's never been able to dig deeper because like Asuka Rei tended to but a barrier up when it came to her love life and relationships. She normally only spoke about them when she had split up with someone but again she never talked about why they left her only that she was disappointed, while Kaworu never really spoke any relationships he'd had at all and he never dated.

She put her hands together maybe she could help Asuka and Shinji now by pushing them both closer to the people they loved and cared about on and off field not just on missions. The last thing she wanted to do was make it look like she was openly interfering because Asuka would loose it outright if she thought for one second that she was being manipulated, Shinji was just the same and he always knew when he was being played as did Rei who could spot bullshit from a mile off. Where as Kaworu never seemed to mind as he was always so relaxed about everything and tended to go with things and didn't mind change.

It had to look accidental maybe she could get Kaji to type out some faulty fake report that it was some orders from above because Rei and Shinji never ever questioned reports from higher up. The only problem she'd have with that though again would be Asuka she was notorious for being very suspicious due of her nature of not trusting people.

8

Asuka calmly took a sip of her ice cold coke as she sat quietly inside the bar on twelfth at one of the small tables which had comfy chairs with her digital scroll propped up as she finished the image on it. There was quite music playing and people talking and eating the meals here which were mostly comfort foods, though it had a large bar inside and she could see the owner's pure white cat Pippin sleeping on the cat walk rafter high above as he'd made a tunnel for him along with a walkway so he could go anywhere in the bar.

Her gaze drifted up as she caught sight of Yuki as he entered the bar she looked at him for a moment in disgust before going back to her drawing. She wasn't going to make a scene even though a part of her just wanted to smash his verficktes face in but she wasn't here for him she was waiting for Rei to come down from the gym and that was more important to her. She carried on only to hear a hand hit her table she looked up slowly seeing that Yuki was standing over her smugly, he looked down eyeing her digital scroll as he spoke his voice thick with sarcasm. "Well if it's not the great Asuka Langley Soryu I heard this shitty rumour from above that you could actuality draw, just wanted to see for myself." Asuka eyed him speaking evenly. "Go away Yuki you're wasting precious oxygen that more decent people could use."

Yuki leaned closer speaking loudly so everyone could hear him. "Oh look the sassy disgusting bisexual bitch is trying to be funny." Asuka slowly closed her scroll locking it as she put her feet on the small square wooden table. "You're such a homophobic piece of scheisse, why don't you crawl back under that old world rock where you belong?" She felt a cold sneer form. "I mean you're part of a dying breed anyway."

Yuki slowly took hold of the tables other chair seating him self opposite. "You know it was really funny seeing you fall apart, clearly underneath all that so called metal you're really weak and pathetic." Asuka looked up as she spoke coldly. "Don't sit in that chair…it's not for you." Yuki smirked patting the padded chair. "Oh you mean this chair, oh I'm sorry is this for your little girlfriend Rei?"

Asuka felt one leg start to move back though Yuki was more focused on himself to notice. "Its Rei's chair yes though we are just friends." Yuki laughed as he raised his hand. "Personally I don't see the appeal she's such a worthless pilot they should kick her off the Evangelion program along with you." He felt a wide smile form as he leaned towards her. "I bet though she's a screamer in bed, I mean her cute body and ass and her childish looks is all she's got going for her." Asuka didn't think the action was automatic as she brought her foot forward smashing it full force in to his face causing him go flying backwards along with the chair.

She slowly got up walking over to him watching as he fell out of the chair which she calmly picked up carefully putting it back in place as she eyed Yuki who was bleeding out of the nose she'd clearly broken it. She leaned down grabbing him by his black collar yanking him up then slammed him back first into the bar holding him there ignoring his sudden panic. "It's extremely rude to make comments like that about a woman who is both clever, intelligent and deserves respect and who you clearly know nothing about, or to make inappropriate comments on her appearance and sex life."

She leaned closer showing off all her teeth as she snarled at him. "I'm going to let you go now Yuki but let me make this very clear to you, just so we understand each other. If you ever bad mouth Rei Ayanami to my face again I will break every verfickten bone in your body and I'll start from the top and I'll work my way down." She felt a sadistic grin form. "Believe me when I say having bones broken is very painful but it's an even more unpleasant experience having them reset." She let go of him violently watching as he fell to the floor on his knees. "Now get out." She watched as the owner Rufus walked over leaning over the counter. "You heard her leave, before I kick you out myself!"

Asuka watched as Yuki struggled to his feet leaving via the double doors she turned to Rufus who was a large man with heavy set features in his late fifties with short black hair. "Thanks." Rufus eased up a beer mug as he started to clean it. "No problem Asuka." Asuka slowly sat back down opening her digital scroll again as she carried on drawing ignoring the surprised looks she was getting from the Nerv staff.

She looked up as the doors opened as Rei appeared catching sight of her a look of confusion appearing on her face as she spoke calmly. "Asuka did you just break Yuki's nose because I just saw him leaving here and he did not look happy?" Asuka fidgeted slightly. "He was being rude I corrected him."

Rufus felt a smile form as he looked at Rei. "I think Asuka is being far too modest in her retelling of the story, Yuki was saying some really offensive thing about you Rei to which Asuka defended your honour and broke his face." His smile widened. "She also called you clever, intelligent and deserving of his respect." Asuka suddenly felt very uncomfortable she could feel herself fidgeting as she tried to hide behind her digital scroll as Rei's face turned to a wide smile as she dropped her gym bag next to the chair opposite looking down at her.

Rei eyed Asuka who suddenly looked like a little kid who'd been caught with her hand in the cookie jar. "Really Asuka, you said that?" Asuka spoke meekly as she turned away trying not to make eye contact. "Yes." Rei leaned over easing up her hand putting it under Asuka's chin turning her face around so she could see her good eye. "That was very sweet off you Asuka." She leaned forward giving her a gentle kiss on the cheek. "Thank you."

She slowly sat down easing her hand away watching as Asuka dropped her pen because she was no longer paying attention she just staring at her good eye which was open wide it was a look of pure innocence without any barriers. She suddenly snapped out of her haze looking around her in a confused manner as she spoke very quietly. "My pen…I dropped my pen." Rei smiled leaning down picking up slowly handing it to her. "Here you go." She turned noticing that everyone was staring she knew why Asuka always had that thing about her that she was never phased by anything but she'd just shown everyone otherwise.

She watched as the other woman took the pen from her hand clicking it to its holder as she closed her digital scroll locking it trying her best to regain her composer she took hold of the menu handing her the spare one. "What would you like to eat Asuka, I'm happy to pay this time?" Asuka pulled on her leather collar wishing that it wasn't so hot all of a sudden before eyeing the menu. "Technically I didn't pay the last time they made our meals free." Rei looked at her. "Well I would still like to pay since this was the first time I've had someone other than my brother defend my honour."

Asuka looked down leaning on her elbow, was this for real? Did she just kiss her or was she still in coma was she going to wake up and find that none of this was real and all in her head? She pulled her leather jacket off in annoyance she couldn't stand the heat anymore. "Why isn't the air conditioning on in this place?" Rei eyed her watching this was by far the sweetest thing she'd ever seen in her life, she really thrown Asuka through a loop and she looked so charming trying to desperately recompose herself as she took a drink of cold coke trying to focus only on the menu. She watched as Rufus walked over looked up as he spoke calmly in her direction. "Can I get you a drink?"

End of part 32

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