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Summoning Kobolds At Midnight: A Tale of Suburbia & Sorcery.
Summoning Kobolds At Midnight: A Tale of Suburbia & Sorcery. Turkey Day Special 2024!

Summoning Kobolds At Midnight: A Tale of Suburbia & Sorcery. Turkey Day Special 2024!

Sherry-By-The-Bend.

The halfling colony was a hive of activity. Though it was a rare time when it wasn't without activity. Even at night the colony still had a fair few halflings milling about on nightly business. Mainly constables wandering the place on the search for ne'er-do-wells and mischief makers.

But over in the feasting tent, the halfling cooks were still busy. All halflings were great cooks in their own right. But those that devoted themselves to the culinary arts were the pride and joy of the entire race as it was they that quite literally kept them all fed.

As most of the colony slept soundly with full bellies, the especially rotund cooks and chefs were busy preparing for the next meal. While the halflings weren't picky by any regards, they rarely liked eating the same thing over the course of the week. Which left the cooks in a bit of a snag as they were already hearing grumbling from the colony about the lack of diverse food stuffs available. They'd eat whatever was served. But they wouldn't be happy about it. The new hothouse was providing them with fruits and veg. But it was the same fruit and veg that they've had for some weeks now.

The same was true for those halflings that brought in wild game from the woods. Boar sausage and braces of hares would only satisfy for so long. The cooks and butchers were hesitant to begin slaughtering their animals so soon into what seemed to be this world's cold season.

Then they heard from some of the local humans talking. Talking about some sort of wild bird that lives in the area. Some kind of fowl from the description. Said a single one could feed a whole family it could! Well, if that were true then that meant that a few of these "tur-kee" could be the change they was looking for! So after leaving a skeleton kitchen crew behind, a contingent of some six portly, even by halfling standards, cooks waddled and marched into the woods in search of this feast fowl.

Despite the cold air, the cooks were well insulated under layers of fat. Also, compared to the scorching heat of the kitchens, the cold air was a nice change for them. Two of the six carried lanterns lit by animal fat and a well saturated pig bristle. They figured at night would be best to search for these feast birds as they slept and had little worry of predators. They might not care for a giant being so close to the colony, but at least his presence was enough to keep anything that would make a meal of the halflings away.

Of course they soon ran into a problem. They didn't know where to even begin to look. Did the feast fowl fly? Did it nest under bushes? In nooks of trees? They didn't know, and eventually they soon ran into another problem.

They were lost.

The cooks grumbled and moaned as they realized that they wandered too deep into the woods and couldn't tell what direction the colony was in let alone where they were. Then they went quiet when they heard the sounds of the bushes rustling. The cooks turned their squinty eyes towards the sound as they drew their weapons. More an assortment of knives and forks than actual weapons. Then the rustling stopped. But the cooks weren't letting down their guard just yet. One of them stomped forwards and held aloft his two-pronged fork and stabbed at the bushes with a greasy sneer! He continued to poke and prod the fern before finally nodding in satisfaction that whatever it was had been scared off. He turned with a triumphant grin and raised his fork into the air in victory.

Just as the others started to cheer though, something jumped out of the bushes and latched onto the fat back of the halfling cook! The chef roared as he felt sharp claws stabbing and slashing at his back as small sharp teeth tried to bite past the folds of fat and into his neck proper. A call rang out as the others raised their cooking tools and charged to the aid of their fellow cook! Forks and knives swiped and stabbed the air. Their two lanterns revealing some sort of creature with multi colored plumage.

This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

A tur-kee, they thought as they assaulted the bird in their friend's back. Said halfling wasn't idle and was reaching fat sausage fingers back to grasp the feisty bird and trying to stab at it with his own fork in an effort to get the fowl off him! The bird let out a strangled cry as two sharp prongs stabbed the small beast in it's own neck! As the beast leaned forward, the cook reached up and grabbed it's bloody neck and threw it onto the ground before them!

The chef panted as blood steamed in the cold air and dripped down his back and arms. They all then gathered around the feisty feathered fowl. One of them cocked a bushy brow.

"'Ow is tha' lil thin' s'pposed ta feed a family?"

As if in answer, the nearby bushes started to rustle. The contingent of cooks readied their weapons and turned towards the noise as their lanterns illuminated the stark plumage of the tur-kees. The chefs grinned as more of the fowls emerged, hissed at them and bared their small sharp teeth. The one chef, still bloody, growled back and tightened his grip on his fork.

"Well lads, plenty o' 'em now."

As the tur-kees gave high-pitched cries, they charged the group of portly halfling chefs. Some threw their wings up and started flapping their bright plumage as some sort of intimidation display. Others flapped into a sort of vault as they sailed over their kin and bared their sharp clawed feet. Most were content to just rush the chefs though. Not that the halfling chefs were complaining. Wouldn't be the first time they had to carve something up that was still wriggling, they thought as they counter charged the feisty fowls with deep cries as fork and knife met claw and tooth. During the scuffle, their lanterns were lost. But that didn't bother the cooks as they stabbed and swiped at anything that felt like feathers, claws, or teeth. The night carried on, and the colony slept. Unaware of the desperate battle happening in the woods nearby.

Then the night went quiet, and it remained so as the sun began to peek above the mountains to the east. Those left behind to tend the kitchens were growing worried as they began to prepare breakfast. They figured at least the others would show up by now even if they didn't find anything. Could they had fallen to the giant? Or perhaps something else out there, they thought as the colony started to wake and halflings started to arrive for their first breakfast.

As the skeleton cook crew started plating though, they heard the sounds of muttering followed by cheering. They peered over at the entrance to the feast tent and their eyes went wide as they beheld something startling. Six halfling cooks, bloodied, weary, and grinning as each dragged four strange plumed forms behind them. When they reached the counter, they turned around to the growing mass of curious halflings and held aloft their catches.

"WE 'AVE TUR-KEE!!!"

The halflings cheered and rushed forwards as the battered bloody chefs hauled their prizes into the kitchen and began carving up their now dead enemies. Feathers were plucked, teeth and claws were pulled and thrown into thick stone bowls to be ground into seasoning or into pots for a broth, heads were severed and thrown into ovens, clawed wings were drowned in sauce and flour before being tossed into pots of boiling oil, innards were ground into sausage, entire forms of the tur-kees were skewered on spits and thrown over open flame. Some of the local humans made their way into the feasting tent. More than willing to eat with the hearty and friendly halflings who were more than eager to share a good meal with friends.

"Ohh, what's y'all got today?" One of them asked as he took a seat at the counter and eyed the strange new meat.

"We found us some tur-kees we did!" One of the cooks proclaimed and held up a barely dressed fowl.

The human man just went wide-eyed as his mouth hung open.

"Is that what I think it is?!"

"Aye! A tur-kee! Though we dinnae ken 'ow one o' these could feed a family." One of the chefs stated with a shrug of his still bloodied thick shoulders.

The man blinked as more of the humans started to see what it was the halflings were eating and turned just as shocked. The first human pointed at the tur-kee.

"That's not a turkey."

"Well course it is! Small bird wif bright feafers! Fough it ain'y as fat as we was told-"

"That's because that's a fuckin' raptor!" One of the humans declared.

The halflings cocked confused brows and turned to look at the fowls. Sure the bird had a somewhat lizardy look to it. But it matched most of the description!

"You sure?"

"Not really since they went extinct thousands of years ago, but that sure as shit ain't no turkey I can tell you that much!"

The halflings all turned and stared at the apparently not-tur-kees. Then they shrugged and went back to preparing and eating them.

"Oh well. Bet they still taste good covered in sauce they do!"

The humans just stared at the plate of what was apparently Velociraptor. Or something that looked like it that is. One of them grabbed a "wing", the crispy skin brown and dripping with sauce and juice. He turned and looked at the others before taking a tentative bite.

He chewed, and chewed, and then he swallowed. He hummed and turned to the others.

"You know, if you close your eyes it kinda sorta tastes like turkey."

With that, the man went back to his meal of fried raptor wings. The others looked to one another before shrugging and dishing up with the rest of the halflings and digging in as well. They might not know how a troupe of raptors somehow found its way into the woods of Somewhere, but one thing they DID know was that they tasted pretty damn good for being extinct.

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