Somewhere, West Virginia, USA.

Agents Smith and Doe got dressed and made to follow up on the tip that Morty gave them. They called it a day after meeting with him, albeit briefly, as Smith wished to write up a report about what they had accumulated so far. Once that had been done they left for the farmland where these "short and round" people now called home.

"You got a girl, son?" Smith asked Doe as they rolled down the road. Johnathan was a little shocked at the sudden question.

"Wha-"

"A girl! You know? A sweetheart? Some childhood friend that you fell in love with as you got older? Or some little honey you met at the football game? Maybe a chick you met one time at band camp?"

"Well-"

"That's alright. In our work it's better if you keep your distance from those you care about. It's hard, keeping everything we know from the ones we love. Most marriages don't last. More often than not it gets ugly. Accusations of infidelity. Inattention of your spouse. Missing important days and events because you're chasing a Rugaru through the Louisiana Bayou!"

Johnathan waited for a moment, both to process what was just thrown at him and to let Smith keep talking. But it seemed as if he was waiting for his input.

"Wha-"

"What's a Rugaru? Think of it like a French werewolf. Followed the early French trappers when they set up shop in Acadia, then they followed them south to Louisiana where they've been a pain in the ass since. Chasing a wolfman through snow is one thing, but doing it while slogging it through mud, muck, and gator infested water? It's God awful! Especially while wearing a government suit!"

"Why-"

"Why was I wearing a suit? It's the uniform! We work for the government and we have to look the part! Let the grunts traipse around in Kevlar and M-16s, WE do it in style!"

Johnathan questioned the logic of wearing a expensive government suit for missions that APPARENTLY involved chasing werewolves through the swamp. But at this point he wasn't sure if Smith was just messing with him or if he was serious and that eventually he too would have to chase some monster in some miserable conditions!

Before he could make any effort in speaking once again, they pulled up to what appeared to be a large collection of tents. Smith and Doe looked out the dusty window at the halflings that were watching them pull in.

"Short and round. Aptly described."

The two agents got out of the car as the halfling group continued to grow as word spread of the strange men in black. Smith put on a kind smile as he began to speak.

"Good Morning! How are you all? I am Agent Smith and this is my associate Agent Doe! We are with the local government and would like a few words with the one, or ones, in charge!"

There was a murmuring among the crowd and eventually someone was chosen to escort the two agents to the Fallmeadow. The two agents had no problem following the halfling, his short legs were easily matched by Agent Smith's long strides. Even Agent Doe had no issue keeping up with the short man.

As they walked through the colony Smith and Doe made note of what was around them. Like the various bodies in many states of clothed, as well as the many puddles of unknown origins that were in the process of drying in the nippy morning air.

"You have some sort of celebration?" Smith asked as he spied many tables with remnants of food and spilled tankards of drink.

"Aye! Tha Harvest Festival were last night! Quite tha occasion it were!" The halfling cheered. His initial weariness of the two Agents giving way to excitement as he remembered the celebration.

"From the looks of things you lot certainly raised hell!" Smith stated.

"Oh no sir! There weren't no raisin' o' no hells 'ere sir! Just good clean fun is all!" The halfling corrected.

Clean wouldn't be the word Johnathan would use as he nimbly avoided a puddle of piss, or vomit, or both. He didn't want to find out. They neared one of the larger tents. The halfling called into the tent before entering. After a moment the two Agents were allowed entry.

The two saw a large round table where many affluent halflings sat, at its head was the absolute unit that was Carl Fallmeadow himself. The halfling was snacking on whole handfuls of what looked like a typical breakfast. Sausage, eggs, toast, the works.

"Who are you?" One of the halflings asked through a mouthful of egg.

"My associate and I are with the government and we are here to-"

"We payed fer this land fair 'nd square!" Someone shouted as bits of bacon flew his mouth.

Smith smiled despite the interruption.

"We're not with THAT part of the government. We're what you might call... census takers."

"Wha's tha'?"

"Well, we make a count of who lives in our great nation."

Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

"Wha' fer?!"

"To factor into voting power as well as how and where government funding is directed." Smith answered as he pulled a tape recorder and placed it to the table in front of them and hit the record button while pulling out a note pad and pen. Doe did likewise.

"Votin' 'nd fundin'?" One of the halflings asked as the others smirked, though Fallmeadow kept gorging despite the visitors.

"'Ow might one go about votin'?"

"Well, once you're a resident for so long and pass a citizenship test then you will be allowed to participate in the engine of bureaucracy of this great republic!" Smith smiled as he wrote down observations of the halflings.

"'Nd wha' were tha' 'bout fundin'?"

"Depending on how big, or small, the population of a State or local community is the Federal Government can allocate funds to better develop them."

That got the halflings interested. Except for Fallmeadow. One halfling scooched closer to Agent Smith.

"'Nd, 'ow long is it befer one can take tha test?"

"Depends on region of origin, extent of assimilation, as well as who is in office. But a few years is the average."

The halfling closest to Smith produced a decent pouch that jingled with a hefty weight as it was placed on the table and slid over to Smith.

"Mayhap a generous donation could speed things up?"

Without missing a beat Smith used his pen to push back the weighty bribe, his eyes still on his notepad.

"Like I said. I'm not with THAT part of the government."

"Well, than 'ow 'bout a nice young lass? We all 'ave plenty o' eligible daughters tha' wou-"

"Thank you for the offer sir but as I said, I'm not with that part of the government. I do not accept bribes nor offers of courtship no matter how generous they may be."

The halflings got less interested with that statement. Until Smith patted Doe on the shoulder.

"HE however is in the market for a nice young women to hold down the home while away on government business!"

"Wha-" Johnathan barely heard what was just said as many sets of eyes swiveled from Smith to him.

"'Ow young is you?!"

"Wha's yer wealth like?!"

"DOES YER PECKER WORK!?!?"

While Doe distracted the others Smith moved over to Fallmeadow while the others began to crowd Johnathan.

"I believe you're the one I should be talking to."

"You can talk but *chomp, munch* I'll be eatin'!" Fallmeadow said between bites.

So as Johnathan got swarmed with many lucrative offers of wealth and brides, Smith and Fallmeadow went over how and why the halflings were here. Despite his seeming indifference, Fallmeadow was quite helpful to Smith. Readily telling him, through mouthfuls of food, of how their lands grew barren and fallow. How their homeland had to sell off everything just to keep people fed. How they couldn't make it and packed everything up and moved to greener pastures. The only thing he didn't tell Smith was how they got here.

Not that he was lying, he genuinely didn't know. None of them did. One moment they were traveling through an old dwarven tunnel at the start of spring, and the next they're coming out into a new world that was entering fall!

It was the same story that Smith would hear from other halflings they questioned as they made their way through the colony. It took some effort to save Doe from the horde of halflings that saw him as a shot to power and influence in the government. But save him he did, even if it was Smith that put him in such a situation!

While they had been talking, and distracting, Fallmeadow and the Big Families respectively. Some other humans had shown up and were in the process of building homes for the halflings. Given what Fallmeadow gave him however he doubt that they would know any more.

Smith called it and he and Doe departed.

"So did any of the shortstacks catch your fancy son?"

Doe gave a deadpan look at Smith as he started the car with a chuckle.

"It's alright Agent Doe! Your sacrifice was not in vain! If anything they were the most forthcoming so far!"

Doe still wasn't happy about it.

"Alright, if it makes you feel any better. You can ask me anything. Anything at all and I'll answer it."

Doe thought for a moment as they rolled down the road back to their room.

"Do-"

"Do I have a sweetheart? I do." Smith said as he pulled out his wallet and showed Doe a picture of a young man in G.I. fatigues with a beautiful Japanese woman.

"Who-"

"That is Sidero! My wife!" Doe looked at Smith, shocked by such a revelation.

"Oh don't look so surprised! I was a young handsome man once! Anyway, after the war me and my unit were stationed in Ōtsu in Shiga Prefecture. Not much to do out there, at least not much if you're not a fan of temples and castle towns. And what do a bunch of red blooded Americans do when they're in a foreign country and bored? They go girl hunting."

The war, Johnathan thought. If he's talking about WWII and from the looks of this photo Smith would be nearing a hundred! No way Smith could be that old... could he?

"The rest of my unit failed miserably. Locals either hated our guts or wanted nothing to do with a bunch of Gaijin. Except for one girl. She was the most beautiful creature I ever seen. Also the only girl that would talk to me that didn't sound like a curse on my ancestors! We got to talking, well, I talked, she listened. Poor women didn't know a word in English! But we were young and in love. As the occupation continued, and our relationship bloomed more, I got up the courage to ask her to marry me and come back home to the good ol' US of A!"

Smith got a bit misty eyed at that and took a moment to reminisce before continuing.

"The day finally arrived. She was stunning. Raven black hair and soil brown eyes. She was the most beautiful women I had ever seen, and she was going to be my wife! We said our vows, well, I said them. By this point she STILL didn't speak any English! We didn't kiss though even while we were dating, which I figured was a local custom or taboo or something, my unit cheered regardless. They were the only ones that showed up it seemed. She apparently didn't have anyone from her side show up. Just me, my wife, my unit, and the company chaplain that wed us."

"After that we did, as is tradition, consummate our marriage once we left the wedding and got to this nice little inn nearby that gave us a nice room to do the deed in. Once it was done I was ecstatic! Already I could see years ahead. The typical American dream of a wife, a couple kids, a dog and a white picket fence! Of course it was at this time that Sidero decided that now was the time to kill me!"

Johnathan looked at Smith with a measure of confusion.

"Oh I know! I didn't get it at the time either! One moment I'm cooking steaks and the next I'm trying to keep her from gnawing off my head! Apparently she was a Ōmukade or a Japanese centipede demon. The locals all knew what she was and avoided her or drove her off if they couldn't. Which explained why we had to get our company chaplain to do the ceremony since none of the local priests would do it. It also explained why no one showed up to the wedding other than us dumb grunts that didn't know enough Japanese to know that among the many curses the locals threw our way were warnings about her!"

"Anyway, before my eyes the beautiful woman changed. Bones snapped and flesh tore as her lower body became a centipede body the length of a bus! Tore the entire inn, which was abandoned soon after we got there if I recall correctly, apart! I'm running for my life butt naked as the day I came into this world and about to enter the next one just as nude! It was my wedding day and I didn't have my sidearm with me. So I made do with the various knives and pots and pans that I could grab and throw at her. But nothing worked, even when they struck her upper body, which was still human looking, her skin didn't break!"

"Eventually she grabbed me and brought me up to her face and was about to eat my head. I don't know if it was some bit of local folklore that somehow got put in my brain or spite or the grace of God, I don't know, but I spat at her just before she could eat me. She let me go like I was molten steel! Screeched and hissed and writhed, smashing furniture, walls, ceilings, the floor. She barreled through a wall and made off towards Mount Mikami nearby. Never saw her again."

"When my unit saw the inn and the shape I was in they, of course, naturally assumed that it was us that somehow trashed the inn in our post-marital lovemaking. They all laughed as I tried to tell them about her being a giant centipede woman! When I told them she ran off they actually showed a measure of pity and said that one day I'll find a new woman to trash a inn with. After we were recalled back Stateside once the occupation ended I was approached by someone from the agency that offered me a position. The rest is history."

Holy shit, Doe thought as they pulled into the parking lot. Smith and him climbed up to their room in silence. Once in, Smith began work on his report. But not before pulling out a card with a bit of kanji on it.

"About three years into my job here at the agency I get this. From her. Got a guy in Communications to translate. It says that she's sorry and misses me and hopes we'll see each other again!"

Johnathan wasn't sure if the guy who translated it was just bad at it or was messing with Smith at the time, because it actually read as sorry she missed him and couldn't wait to meet him again. More ominous and threatening and less remorseful and longing.

"This came with it."

Smith pulled out a photo from his pocket and showed it to Doe. It was a grainy picture of a no longer smiling Sidero and over 27 human looking kids.

"Who-"

"Apparently they're all mine!"

"Wha-"

"Yup! Centipedes lay up to 35 eggs in one go! Apparently centipede DEMONS also lay a significant amount of eggs! You know, despite everything, I still kinda miss her. Couldn't speak a word of English, tried to kill me, and couldn't cook worth a damn. But I still miss her. I still see the kids on certain missions when our agency and the Japanese co-op. See, not interact. As much as I would love to meet our kids I thought it more prudent to maintain a healthy distance. Let them grow without any conflict and drama from their parents."

Not the words I would use, Johnathan thought as he returned the card and picture. He's seen some stuff he couldn't explain that led him to search out the agency but this?! Just what kind of madness did he get himself into?!