Somewhere, West Virginia, USA.
So begins the War of Blak Rok Tunnel!
Well, it was only the goblins that called it that, and it wasn't really a war so far, not even a battle, or a skirmish. In fact, before the kobolds got Jeb involved it was pretty much just the two sides hissing, glaring, and throwing rocks at each other. The kobolds not having the numbers to drive away the goblins and they in turn too scared of getting roasted by the (nonexistent) dragon. A classic stalemate.
Then a human got involved.
"What are we doing here human?" The Trap Master asked as he and a handful of others followed Jeb towards a home not far from theirs.
"Gettin' a few things, so we can make some fun things!" Jeb said as he went to a window, and pulling out a knife and jimmying it under the window and popping it open.
He climbed in and motioned for the kobolds to follow. As the Trap Master climbed in he was struck by just how PINK the room was! All around him was just bright pinks and gold! Posters of pageant queens and boy bands were plastered over every inch of the walls, and even the ceiling. Glitter was also EVERYWHERE!
The only time the Trap Master could remember such bright colors was the carnivorous plants outside their former Master's lair. Walking through this room made him feel as uneasy now as he did then.
"What are we looking for human?!" The Trap Master hissed as Jeb made his way to a large cabinet.
He opened up the cabinet and pulled out several cans of something the Trap Master couldn't tell. With a nod he zipped open a bag he had, and motioned for the others to do the same with the bags they had. Just putting in whole armfuls of the cans.
They kept going until most of the bags were full, then they started back out the window. But they paused as a voice came from the door.
"Shit! Go, Go, GO!" Jeb said as he hurried them all out the window, the Trap Master being the last kobold out as the door opened.
"JEB?! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN' IN MY ROOM!!!" A loud voice came. The Trap Master made to return to aid Jeb, but he just put a hand on his head and kept him from entering.
"What? Can't I visit my baby sister?" Jeb said as he threw his bag out the window.
"What is that?!" She said, pointing an accusing finger at the flying bag.
"Oh, just a couple cans of hairspray. You won't even miss them!" Jeb said as he opened the window all the way.
Sammy looked over at the cabinet that held her hairspray, her eyes went wide and her face went red as she noticed that her ENTIRE thing was empty!
"JEB!" She screeched.
He sighed and walked over and wrapped her in a hug, silencing her scream.
"The truth is, I wanna be more like you! I wanna be a pretty woman like you are!"
Sammy just stared dumbfounded at her brother.
"Really?"
Jeb snickered.
"No! Me and some friends are playing war and we need some cans of hairspray for flamethrowers!"
She went to screech again, but was cut off by a kiss from Jeb. Then he flung himself out the wide open window.
"Thanks!"
"I HATE YOU!!! YOU AND YOUR WEIRD FRIENDS BRING BACK MY HAIRSPRAY YOU ASSHOLE!!!!" She bellowed as she stared daggers and breathed fire at her fleeing brother.
"LOVE YOU TOO!!!" Jeb laughed back as him and the kobolds ran back home, pinched spray in bag.
While the Trap Master and Jeb made their snatch and grab down the road. The Chief was organizing their defense in the tunnels. While it was going well, it wouldn't be long before the goblins chanced it and rushed them. Then a Greentide would form as they realized there was no dragon.
He's been tempted to throw some magic just to keep them off guard. But with how this world treats magic he didn't want to risk casting a spell only for it to blow them up instead!
He sighed as he just looked down the wide tunnel. Out of instinct they had made the tunnels wider then they actually needed. Old habits of making tunnels big enough to fit a dragon. While they weren't that big they were much wider than necessary.
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Him and a large number of the tribe were there, mainly to deter the goblins from encroaching further. But mainly to buy Jeb and the Trap Master time for whatever it was that Jeb had planned. In the meantime, some of those skilled in trapmaking were setting up traps behind them. It would be no challenge for them to get through but for a goblin chasing after a "fleeing" enemy? It would be deadly.
-----
"Why haven't you lot gotten back in the tunnel?!" Morty yelled at the assembled goblins.
"Dragon, Boss!" One said fearfully.
Morty just rolled his eyes.
"There isn't such things as dragons! Even if there WAS, they've been dead for CENTURIES!!!"
The goblins just looked fearful and confused so Morty continued his "pep talk".
"WE killed the dragons long ago! So get back in there and kill whatever it was you ACTUALLY saw!"
The goblins looked at each other with wicked grins as they grabbed some sharp and blunt objects and ran back into the tunnel.
"Did you really kill a dragon Master?!" One of the ogre sisters asked in awe.
"Pft! No! Dragons aren't real. They only exist in stories, all of which ends with the allegory dragon dead." Morty said as he made his way back to his less-than-ramshackle office. Content in the knowledge that whatever spooked the goblins would be dead soon, and his coal tunnel would be opened, and he would be back in business!
-----
"Okay! So THIS is a flamethrower!" Jeb said as he demonstrated outside to an assembly of kobolds. Though it was just a slightly modified bug sprayer, a burning wick was fastened to the end by a metal jut to ignite the spray. Of course it wouldn't do much since he just had the one. Though from the looks on the kobolds he may as well had been Prometheus himself!
The more portable ones weren't much better in terms of "craftsmanship" but as long as it spewed fire and didn't blow up was a win. The hairspray cans were modified the same way, metal clasp held a burning wick. Press down on spray nozzle and boom! FIRE!
Course if he had more time, and money, he could get an ACTUAL American Army Flamethrower. But he had neither, so flammable pest control and hair product would have to do.
FWOOOOSSSSSHHHHHH!!!!!
He sprayed a gout of flame over their heads, even the grim Trap Master's jaw had dropped at the sight. He tossed it at a random kobold and with the help of some of the others, handed out cans of porta-flame.
"Have fun kids!"
That was all they needed as they moved to burn out the goblins!
"Now, while their doin' that. I had a neat idea for this gas trap!" Jeb said as he pulled out a jug of Bleach and some Ammonia.
Meanwhile, the goblins had grouped up and charged the kobold line! The Chief and the others did what they could to hold them back, javelins and stones could only do so much. If he didn't want to lose anymore of the tribe he would have to resort to magic, he just hoped it didn't cost too much.
As the goblins advanced he threw up a shield to stall them. It held, but he could already feel the cost of it. While his concentration was on the shield he could feel as his scales began to fall! The longer he held it the more flaked off.
He was growing weaker as well, the cost was becoming too great. The shield fell as he did, raw flesh hitting stone. His vision was fading as he watched the Greentide rush towards them. He just hoped he bought them enough time, was his last conscious thought as he succumbed to exhaustion. The last thing he was aware of was heat flowing over him, warming his flesh, and the screams of the goblins as they burned.
-----
Morty was awoken from his nap to the sounds of screaming. Him and the ogre sisters ran towards the tunnel the "dragon" was down. They watched as the goblins ran back like the hounds of hell were after them. With some on fire Morty was inclined to think they actually were!
"What the hell happened?!"
"DRAGONS! DRAGONS!" One yelled as his flesh crisped and burned.
Morty didn't have time to process as the "dragons" came out of the tunnel! Little red lizard people came out of the tunnel wielding... cans of hairspray?
He was so confused he almost failed to notice as a gout of flame damn near roast him! If it wasn't for one of the sisters picking him up and out of fire reach he would have been well done for! The other sister charged the little red lizard. Fire spraying as it retreated from her advance. It's small size and quickness keeping it safe from her strong, yet slow, attack.
Before long though, the ogress had singlehandedly scared the lizard people fleeing back into the tunnel. Urga, came back over to her sister and Morty, a little singed from the pyro-lizards but faring FAR better than the goblins. Speaking of, the rest of the goblins had watched as their comrades burned to crispy bits. He tried to get them to go after the lizard people but they were too scared.
"What the hell were they?!"
"Kobolds." Orga said as she checked her sister.
"What the fuck are kobolds doing here?!" Morty asked as he tried not to look as the burns on Urga. Not much he could do anyway, he had no medical knowledge and no medical supplies.
"They serve the dragons Master." Urga hissed as her sister wrapped strips of cloth pulled from nearby on her burns.
"Then what the hell are they doing in West Virginia?! Dragons don't exist and even if they did, they sure as shit wouldn't be in the middle of bumfuck Somewhere!" Morty seethed.
"Dey wood'nt be 'ere if dere wern't no dragon boss!" His Goblin Headman spoke up as he finally gathered his courage.
"If there was a dragon nearby then why did they come here with hairspray? Why didn't the dragon itself turn that tunnel into a furnace? If there was a dragon, then why aren't we all DEAD?!" Morty shouted at the assembled greenskins.
"Know what I think? I think those little shits are lost and jury-rigged something for protection. There isn't a dragon. Just some pyromaniac lizards with hairspray." Morty stated to the group. They began to think of what Morty said, wicked grins returning as the thought of not having to face an ACTUAL dragon formed.
"Let me go Master!" Orga demanded.
"What?! Why?!" Morty asked.
"They harmed my sister, and almost harmed you. They must pay!" She proclaimed.
Morty rubbed his face as he looked around. The goblins obviously liked the idea of hiding behind an ogre, and its not like he could physically stop her either.
He sighed.
"Fine! Just, be careful."
She smiled with a blush at him. Then she grabbed a nearby unused support beam, and some tarp before heading into the tunnel. The older goblins, hedging their bets, shanghaied some new borns, beating them over the heads to daze them and sent them behind the ogress. Them at a respectable, and survivable, distance.
Morty began to pace as he watched Orga go down the tunnel. Urga picked him up and held him in her arms.
"She'll be alright boss, don't worry."
She stroked his head, the motion calming him.
"Yeah, yeah. Your right. She's an ogre! She should be fine. Right?"
Orga lumbered down the tunnel after the kobolds, they were going to pay for harming her sister and future mate! As she got near one she swiped her beam and smashed the lizard against the stone wall.
Some had begun to spray fire at her. She threw the tarp at them, the tarp blocked the flame and continued to fall towards them! Not wanting to join their friend they ran away from the burning tarp and the angry ogress, and her horde of goblins that followed in her wake.
Resistance was crumbling, only some salamanders were stopping her now. Hissing and spitting acidic venom at them. But a swipe of her beam was enough to scare them away. She had little doubt they would meet some traps on their way to where ever they were skulking in. But she had little worry.
She and the goblins were nearing where their tunnel had broken into the lizardmen's when she noticed a bucket was placed ahead. It was filled with a clear liquid. A large cup floated in the bucket, a yellow colored liquid in it.
She proceeded cautiously, as she got closer however her heavy steps caused the cup to sink and a brownish-yellow gas spewed from it. Her eyes began to burn and sting instantly, she made the mistake of inhaling and started to cough as liquid filled her lungs. Even her thick skin wasn't safe as blisters and burns formed. She dropped her weapon and fled the toxic gas, as she ran she could see through her watery eyes that the goblins fared MUCH worse.
The gas did something to them as it all but melted them! The older goblins at the back were somewhat safer as the gas barely reached them, though it still stung and their skin started to melt off. They quickly fled after the fleeing ogress, the new born shock troops stood no chance however as they rushed right into the gas, and to their deaths.
She all but threw herself out of the tunnel and into the cavern. She heaved and hacked as she laid there, she was vaguely aware of Morty and her sister seeing to her as she faded from consciousness.