Somewhere, West Virginia, USA.

"I don't see why you're making a big deal of it." Morty said as he continued his lackluster meal.

"I'm making a big deal out of it, Morty, because it's MURDER! You know?! That thing that's very illegal and wrong and will most likely put you on deathrow!" Clive countered

"You hated him too!"

"Yeah! But not enough to kill him!"

"Well, I did. And good fucking riddance! He was a miserable bastard and the staff here were conniving little cunts that would have sooner slit my throat in my sleep then serve me!" Morty retorted as he stuffed his mouth with dry potatoes. At least they were better than when the goblins first took over the positions. He was sure he'd starve if he didn't know how to cook for himself!

"That doesn't mean you just kill them Morty!"

"Well, it's not like I had a choice after killing my father now did I? Charles threatened to call the cops on me! The others were witnesses so they had to go too!"

Clive put his head in his hands in frustration. He left the halflings and came here hoping that MAYBE Morty might be a bit easier to deal with. But nope! It was just a different headache! Thankfully Jeb was still sane and reasonable.

"Ok. Fine. But then why are you telling me this anyway? Aren't you worried I'LL just go to the cops after leaving?"

"You won't do that." Morty stated around a mouthful of soggy colored greens.

"And why won't I? Pray tell."

"Because 1. Other than Jeb I'm the only other friend you have. And 2. Because I have a private army thats standing between 3 woefully unprepared law enforcement officers and me. Even if they deputize a few others my army is growing daily! If they ever show up, WHY would I willingly submit to being put in prison? Besides, there isn't any proof I killed anyone. They'd show up and search the house and find nothing."

"And what exactly are you even going to DO with this army?"

"Take over the town." Morty said simply.

"Why?" Clive asked, afraid he already knew the answer but hoping he was wrong anyway.

"Because I can."

Clive just stared at Morty for many long moments. He shouldn't be surprised. Jeb always said it and Clive saw it when they would play games. The second Morty got power he ran away with it like he stole it. Yet even now he couldn't help but look at Morty with shock and exhaustion.

"Why do you do the things you do?"

"Because I can and because no-one can stop me."

Clive walked up to Morty and pulled the decanter of bourbon from his hand and proceeded to down the expensive liquor. The sisters slightly tensed up from the quick movement but relaxed when it was obvious Clive wasn't going after Morty.

"Geez, bit early don't you think?"

"I don't want to hear it from you!" Clive snapped as he resumed chugging the decanter. Morty shrugged and finished his mediocre meal as his friend downed the booze.

Once the decanter was bone dry Clive turned back to Morty, who just sat patiently and waited for his friend to finish.

"Nothing makes sense anymore! On top of that you and Jeb aren't the most frustrating thing in my life anymore!"

"We aren't?! Damn, I should make up with Jeb. We can't let someone else take our spots!" Morty teased with mock offence.

"Oh you are nothing compared with dealing with halflings all day!"

Morty cracked a mocking smile.

"Clive! I thought you knew better! We don't call them halflings! We call them little-people! Or dwarfs, or midgets."

Clive pointed a finger threateningly at Morty.

"Don't start!"

Morty held up his hands in surrender as Clive continued.

"Halflings! Actual halflings! Giants! Kobolds! Goblins, ogres! NONE OF IT MAKES SENSE!!!!"

"Wait? You have a bunch of non-trademarked little people living in your dinky apartment?"

"NO!!! I WAS THROWN OUT OF MY APARTMANT!!! I've been living with the halflings for a couple weeks."

Morty's face began to contort as he tried not to snicker.

"You live in a hole in the ground?"

"NO! I LIVE IN A GODDAMN TENT!"

Morty's will finally broke as he began to laugh at the thought of his friend roughing it in the middle of nowhere in a tent.

"HAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

"It ain't funny!"

After a few minutes of laughter Morty calmed enough for Clive to continue his ranting.

"They are the most stubborn and frustrating people! Arranged marriages! Child marriages! Selling off their kids for money and influence!"

"That just sounds like any third world dump."

This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.

"Not the point!"

Morty called over a goblin servant and had him fetch another bottle of bourbon. While he did that Clive continued.

"They tried to settle me with a baby that was barely out of the womb! Not only that but I have a married whore that wants in my pants!"

Morty made to speak but a glare from Clive forced him to think better of it.

"Then the one girl I meet that doesn't seem like she came from the middle of medieval Northumberland, turns out she's responsible for almost killing an entire race!"

Morty shook his head in feigned sympathy as his liquor arrived.

"Its always the crazy ones."

"So now I'm trying to figure out how to get her to apologize to the kobolds at Jeb's place because I don't want yet ANOTHER shitshow between people I care about!"

"Oh sure! I kill a couple lizards over a misunderstanding and I get the snot kicked out of me but some Shire reject does it and she gets a pass?! That's bullshit!"

"You deserved that asskicking!"

"And she doesn't?! From the sounds of it she's killed more of them ON PURPOSE then I did!"

Goddamnit Clive hated when Morty made a good point. It was a once in a blue moon thing but it happens.

"Even if she did want to apologize, which she doesn't seem like she's going to anytime soon, how would she? The kobolds don't want anything that she can offer. I also doubt she's going to willingly get beat up to make amends!"

"So dump her ass and find someone else!"

"Yeah? Like who?"

"Like that whore who wants in your pants!"

"SHES MARRIED ALREADY! And what part of whore don't you understand?"

"Hey! Some of the best people I've met were whores! What about the kid?"

"Are you fucking joking?!"

"Hear me out! She's a child! You can teach her! Mold her to be what you want! Want her be more cosmopolitan? Do it! Want her to be some chaste saint? Go for it!"

"What part of being an actual FUCKING NEW BORN DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!"

"Well what about someone in town then?"

"You don't think I've tried that BEFORE, whatever this all is, happened?"

"Well now you're just being unreasonable."

Clive looked at Morty in anger.

"How am I being unreasonable?!"

"Because you're here bitching and moaning to me when you should be back home and putting your foot down!"

"What?"

"You heard me! You're here hiding and crying to me about your love life and how frustrating it is to deal with people half your size! Get off your ass and go back and lay down the law!"

Holy shit twice in one day, Clive thought as his mind worked more with what Morty just said. He's right. He shouldn't be here! He should be back there actually dealing with the problems instead!

"You're right! I can't believe I said that."

"Hey!"

"I should be back there dealing with it rather than hiding away like you!"

"What's that supposed to mean?!"

"Have you made amends with Jeb?" Clive asked with a cocked eyebrow.

"Well... not yet. I'm just giving him time to cool down it all!"

"Uhuh."

"Shut up! Get out of my house and quit drinking my liquor! Its expensive!" Morty yelled, though there wasn't any actual anger in his tone.

Clive gave back the, now empty, glass decanter.

"Thanks Morty."

"No problem. I'll walk you to your car." Morty said as he got up and followed Clive to the door.

"I can walk my friend to the car by myself you two!" Morty said with frustration as the two sisters followed ever along. They backed away and waited inside the manor, begrudgingly.

So Morty walked Clive to his car parked outside. Alone except for the hobgoblin guards at the doors and a new gardener nearby.

"So while I deal with the halflings can you at least make peace with Jeb?"

"Fine! You sound like a broken record! I'll... bake a pie or something and go over soon.

"Tomorrow!"

"Fine! Tomorrow!"

"Thanks Morty." Clive said as he hugged his friend.

It was a nice, peaceful, moment for the two friends. Until it wasn't.

Three hairy green creatures jumped the wall east of them and rushed them with a roar! Two went for Clive and Morty while the third rushed the two guards!

"What the fuck?!"

Morty and Clive tried to run back into the manor but were stopped when they were both grabbed by the large hairy creatures! While they were easily scooped up and thrown over the creatures hairy green shoulders, the third was holding off the two guards.

The bladed muskets they carried were doing just fine in keeping the creature out of striking distance from them. But they couldn't get a shot off as every time they would try the creature would swipe a long arm and force the guards to block and parry with their bayonets.

The commotion caused the doors to burst open and reveal the two ogre sisters as they turned and watched Clive and Morty be hauled away east into the wooded mountains. They charged the third creature with roars that rivaled a lion!

The creature, deciding it was time to go, gave a last wide swipe of its long, and clawed, arm before bolting after its comrades towards the east. The sisters gave chase, but the creatures legs were longer. They watched with rage and fury as the distance widened between them and their master.

The two creatures carrying Clive and Morty scaled the wall with ease, even one handed. The third just outright jumped and vaulted the wall. Morty was passed out over their shoulder but Clive was still conscious. Which wasn't a fun thing as both the ragged movements and unwashed B.O. made him sick!

While at first glance he thought they were green, their coarse hair was actually a tan color and they had green moss covering their fur as camouflage! He tried to get a better look at the creatures but their fast movement and the wiping branches did little for his vision. But what little he could recall just moments ago they were tall. Not like the ogres were but still taller than both him and Morty.

From what he could feel was that they were VERY muscular! Clive wasn't sure where they were being taken to, or why, but he knew they were heading east. Maybe to Jeb's kin? He doubted it though. Most were further north.

If only he could get a better look, Clive thought. The third creature had ran past them so Clive couldn't even look at him. He wasn't sure how long they were being carried for. But after a time they came to a large cave in the mountains. The three creatures had slowed as they neared the entrance.

As they entered, Clive noticed a mix of battery lights and torches lighting the cave as they went further in. As they neared their destination Clive could hear roars and yelling echoing in the cave. When they finally entered a large cavern Clive saw nine other of the creatures sitting at a large stone table, where they roared and yelled at one another.

Clive was sat down on a large stone while Morty was placed, roughly, on a what looked like a rough stone chair. The three creatures that had taken then then took seats near the others, who had calmed down somewhat as they spied Morty. One leaned over to the one in the center and spoke in a deep and rough voice.

"Boss, we got 'em."

"Good!" The "Boss" spoke in a equally deep voice.

He shuffled forward a little and cleared his throat as he shuffled some paper before speaking.

"We are here to bear witness and pass judgment on the one before us! Do you have anythin' to say before we begin this trial Mortimer Duval?!"

Morty didn't answer as he was still passed out. The lead creature sighed before talking again.

"Will someone please awaken the accused?"

"Holy shit they're bugbears!" Clive stopped when they all looked at him. He wasn't sure he had said that aloud.

"What?"

"Bugbears! That's what you all are! I mean, I'm not surprised given everything else but still!"

They all looked at Clive.

"That's a dumb name! We are bigfoots!"

"Bigfeet." One of the others interjected.

"We haven't come to a consensus of the specific term yet Steve!"

"Steve" Grumbled as he pouted.

"Anyway! We are the West Virginian Bigfoot-

"BigFEET."

"BigFOOT Workers Union!" The leader finished despite the interruption.

"I thought we were the Bigfeet Workers Commune?" Another spoke up.

The leader sighed in frustration.

"We decided that for this we would use the official name!"

"We didn't vote on an official name yet Bill!"

"Well we need one for this! It's proper!" Bill countered

"Your name is too long!"

"Its supposed to sound official! That's why its longer!"

"But why bigfoot when we haven't decided on what to call ourselves yet?"

"BigFEET!" Steve interjected again.

"I kinda like what that guy called us!"

Eventually the group of bigfoot/bigfeet/bugbears descended into roaring and growling. Clive tried to wake Morty with little success. After a moment everything quieted down.

"We will take a 10 minute recess so we may calm ourselves! Jerry here will answer any questions the character witness may need to ask."

Bill proclaimed as he slammed a large stone onto the table. Then he pulled a severed head on a pole from the side of the room and stuck it into some soft dirt in front of the table while the others left to branching tunnels nearby.

"Uhm? Excuse me? Bill? What did you call me?"

Bill huffed.

"You will be the character witness for the Duval there! You will be called to account for his character in the comin' trial!"

"And what happens if he is found guilty?"

Bill huffed in frustration again.

"Then he will be executed for his crimes! Anymore questions WILL be directed to Jerry!"

Bill said no more as he stormed off to calm down. Leaving Clive alone with "Jerry".

"Don't suppose you can untie me Jerry?"

Jerry didn't answer, nor did he make any effort to untie Clive. So Clive had little choice but to wait as the bugbears calmed down as he had little success in waking Morty for his apparent trial.

After 10 slow minutes of Jerry staring at Clive the bugbears returned. Bill returned Jerry to his place at the side of the cavern.

"I hereby call recess to a close!"

Bill slammed the stone back down on the table. The noise was enough to cause Morty to stir from his sleep.

"Ugh! Can someone wake him up already!?"

Someone walked over to Morty and roared in his face. Morty jolted up in shock!

"What the fuck?!"

"Mortimer Duval! You stand here, accused of many crimes! Is there anythin' you would like to say before your trial proceeds?"

"What the fuck?! Why am I on trial?"

"Your crimes will be accounted after the trial starts! In the meantime you have been provided a character witness/lawyer. You may have a moment to confer with him!" Bill proclaimed as he gestured towards Clive.

"Clive what the hell is going on?!" Morty hissed.

"Apparently you are on trial." Clive said simply.

"I got that much! Trial for what?!"

"I don't know! What the hell have you been doing lately that makes fucking BUGBEARS mad at you!"

"Bigfeet!"

Bill brought down the stone again.

"The namein' convention of what we are will be held at a later date! Your time with your lawyer/character witness is at an end!"

"Wait! Why is he two things at once?!"

"Well, he was just goin' to be your lawyer and your other friend would be your character witness. But there were... complications." Bill stated as several bugbears scratched at deep scars on their arms and torsos.

"SO! He is both! The trial will now proceed!" Bill proclaimed and slammed the stone/gavel down.