Somewhere, West Virginia, USA.

Clive spent his morning getting ready as usual, though he put a bit more effort than usual. After all, he had a date!

Well, it wasn't a date. It was just him and a pretty, and as far as he could tell of legal age, young woman going to get a drink! Though he decided to put a little more effort in. Doing his hair and putting on a splash of cologne, digging out his slightly nicer clothes.

With his preparations done he headed out of his snug tent and made his way over to the dining tent. On the way though he was stopped by Hamish.

"Fine mornin' innit Clive?"

"Yup! Just on my way over to the dining tent!" Clive said with some pep in his step.

"Splendid! I'll join ya!"

"That's, uhm, great Hamish. Its just that I'm kinda meeting someone." Clive said in an apologetic tone.

Hamish paused and looked at Clive.

"Oh? This a friendly meetin' or a friendly meetin'?"

"Its a... friendly meeting?" Clive said uncertainly.

Hamish lightly punched Clive.

"Glad tha' yer makin' friends 'sides me!"

"I have other friends! You met Jeb a few days ago!" Clive said, somewhat offended by the implication.

"Tha Tall Man tha' you ran after?"

"Yeah the tall man that I ran after!"

"Oh right! 'Ow is tha lad?"

"I'm... not actually sure. I haven't spoke to him since that day. Been kinda busy with moving and angry rams!" Clive huffed that last part as the memory of being tossed around by "King George" came to mind.

"Oh he weren't tha' bad!"

"You say that after being bucked 6 feet in the air!"

"You exaggerate! T'was only a few meters!"

As Clive made to rebut, a loud horn sounded from down the road. The halflings nearest the road scattered as the semi-truck came rumbling to a stop near the "entrance" to the tent town.

"Look at tha' Clive! Wha' is it?!" Hamish asked as he jogged over and stared wide-eyed at the 18-wheeler.

"That's a semi-truck. We use them to haul things in bulk." Clive stated as he followed after the halfling.

Hamish ooh'd and aah'd at the great steel and chrome cattle hauler. Well, more like sheep hauler as the sheep rancher and his ranch hand climbed out of the truck. The ranch hand moved towards the back of the trailer while the rancher surveyed the tent town and the little people that began to gather and stare.

He walked over to Clive and stuck out his hand to shake.

"This some kinda circus or freakshow?"

Clive shook the offered hand.

"Nope. Just a small town for small people."

The rancher shook his head.

"Well, your coins good so this could be a daycare for all I care!"

Hamish and Clive followed the rancher as he made his way towards the back with his ranch hand. Hamish called over a few others and they made their way over, albeit nervous of the steel diesel.

BAAAA!!!! CLANG!!!

Clive stopped at the familiar dreaded bleating of King George.

"Speak of the devil and he shall appear."

"Wha' was tha' lad?"

"Nothing, just an old saying."

The rancher chuckled as he watched Clive squirm. Then he unlatched the trailer door.

"Woah woah woah! What are you doing?!"

"Well he can't stay in there all day now can he?"

"But we don't have a pen set up! Hamish you don't have a pen set up!" Clive said hurriedly as the rancher lifted the latch.

"Oh relax! George is a good feller! He'll stay nearby with his ewes and graze 'till you get it set up!" The rancher said. Then threw open the door.

And out charged "King George".

BAAAA!!!!!

Was all Clive heard as he ran a dead sprint away from the dread ram! Ignoring the calls of Hamish and the laughter of the rancher!

He ran through the gaggle of halflings, who scattered once more as the ram barreled after the target of his ire! He took a sharp turn through a pair of tents. But from the scornful baaing, it had little effect in deterring the ram!

He ran through several tents, hoping maybe someone would help him, or at least slow down the ram. But to no avail as the ram was closing in on him! He rounded the bathing tent and spotted the outhouses. He quickly cloistered himself inside his own. Hoping he got in fast enough to avoid the ram from hell!

Agonizing seconds ticked as he heard the ram shuffle and huff around near the row of outhouses. After a painfully long minute it sounded as if he had given up his search for Clive. He let out a sigh of relief.

BAAA!!!

Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.

THUNK!!!

The stubbornness of rams indeed, Clive thought. The ram charged the furthest outhouse. He did so repeatedly, much to the admonishment of the poor fellow inside! After winding up a good charge he teetered the outhouse, and it fell against the one next to it. Which fell to the one next to IT!

"Oh no!"

The ram had dominoed the outhouses and before long Clive found his own teetering over until it too fell over! He was just glad it was a outhouse and not a porta-potty or this would've been a right mess!

He groaned as he crawled out, him and a couple others who were caught with their pants down so to speak! Of course, there stood King George! Preparing a charge as he lined up for Clive!

"Shit!"

Clive cursed as he rolled under the bathing tent as the ram charged where he was but a scant second ago! He stood up and dived into the tub fully clothed! He just barely poked his head up to breathe. He didn't dare do more than that for risk of George seeing him!

"Well! I didnae expect ta see YOU 'ere!"

Clive looked over to the other side of the bath where he spotted a VERY nude Mr. and Mrs. Longfellow!

"Clive! Don't you know yer supposed ta enter tha bath WITHOUT cloths on?"

Mrs. Longfellow smirked at her husbands statement.

"Yes! Why don't I 'elp you out of 'em!"

Clive spoke out of breath.

"Ram!"

Mrs. Longfellow apparently took that differently as she all but beamed at Clive.

"OH! So you DO wanna play!"

"No. Ram. Angry. Ram!"

She smirked as she sauntered closer to Clive. Her husband blissfully ignorant of his wife's thirst.

"Ne'er 'eard it called tha' 'fore! I like it!"

BAAAA!!!!

Clive was only marginally glad at the arrival of said ram. Marginally. Mr. and Mrs. Longfellow looked over to where King George was sniffing around for him.

"Is tha' tha ram yous were talkin' 'bout Clive?"

The ram perked up at the mention of Clive's name. Then it charged the bath! The Longfellows screamed as the bath was overturned and they, plus Clive, were thrown ass over elbow out of the bath. Water included!

Clive, now soaked once again, landed on the ground next to the nude Longfellows. King George the Dread Ram glowered down at the trio. Righteous anger burning in his eyes! Clive scrambled to get up and sprinted away, ram in hot pursuit! They didn't make it far as Clive climbed over the now empty bath with the ram close behind. As he neared the edge the ram charged once again.

Clive jumped out of the tub. The ram hitting the edge and tumbling out while sending the tub spinning up through the air! As Clive made to get up George began to charge up once more! But by the grace of Almighty God or sheer dumb luck, the airborne tub landed over the ram, trapping him underneath!

BAAAA!!!!

Came the muffled bleating of the ram as he struggled to get the large tub off him. Unable to get enough momentum he failed to free himself from under the tub, much to Clive's relief. Which didn't last as Mrs. Longfellow took it upon herself to reward Clive for his 'heroism'. She planted a kiss smack dab on his mouth.

"My 'ow brave you are Clive! You trapped tha' vicious beast!" Said the portly halfling.

Mrs. Longfellow pulled away and licked her lips and gave Clive a suggestive wink.

"I'll say! First tha giant 'nd now a dreadful ram, you 'ave a thin' fer tamin' wild beasts!"

Clive didn't know which he preferred, the thotling or the ram! Thankfully he didn't have to choose as Hamish and some others ran into the tent to secure the ornery ram.

"Lad?! By tha Harvest Mother yer alright!"

"'Course 'e's alright! 'E saved us from tha 'orrid creature!" Mrs. Longfellow played up as she "fainted" into Clive's arms, where he realized she was still naked and now was all but thrusting her ample bosom at him! He quickly foisted her off onto her husband. Having enough of her clinginess for one morning.

George bleated as he made to get the tub off him with little success. The other halflings pushed the tub holding the ram out of the tent, and presumably where his pen was. Hamish walked over and helped Clive up.

He grunted as he realized he was soaked to the bone.

"Why don't you go get cleaned up lad. Me 'nd tha others can handle tha rest!"

"Gee, thanks!" Clive snapped. Course HE had to deal with the PO'd ram that was out for HIS blood!

So Clive hurried back to his tent where he dried off and got changed into some clean, and dry, clothes before making his way to the dining tent.

He entered the tent and looked around for a moment. But he couldn't see Kilpa among the half-sized bodies in the tent. He sighed, he wouldn't be surprised if she thought he stood her up. He turned to leave, but was stopped when a voice called him.

He turned and saw Kilpa in a corner of the tent, near where the bar had been set up. It was a simple long table with some simple stools to sit on and some kegs of booze behind the makeshift counter. She sat at the corner of the bar, her back towards the wall of the tent and where she was slightly hidden behind a smaller keg that was placed on the counter. No wonder he couldn't see her, she was practically hiding!

He made his way over to her as he weaved around the other halflings, some carrying food, and some booze despite the earliness of the day. She shuffled over and offered him her seat as she sank further into the "corner" of the tent.

"You look like shite!"

Clive chuckled.

"Yeah, my morning has been a bit more hectic than usual!"

BAAAA!!!!

Clive, wide eyed and pale turned around and searched desperately for the dreaded ram! Only to stop when he heard chuckling and snorting come from behind him. He turned around and saw his bemused date practically falling over from laughter.

"You shoulda seen yer face!"

She repeated the sheep call once more to the, mildly, amused Clive as he gave her an embarrassed chuckle.

"You, uh, saw that didn't you?"

After a long minute she wiped a tear from her eye.

"Aye lad! I saw how you ran like tha devils themselves were after you!"

Then she looked him dead in the eye.

"I also saw Mrs. Longfellow 'nd you gettin' real familier."

Clive went pale once more and put his head in his hands in mounting embarrassment.

"I swear she's like that every-"

He stopped when he heard snickering. He poked an eye from between his fingers and saw Kilpa trying, and failing, to hold in her laughter. Which she stopped trying when Clive looked fully at her.

"Yer so cute when yer teased!"

"Ha. Ha. Glad you find it funny that I'm the target of a ram's vendetta as well as that walking sex's affection!" Clive moaned much to the chuckles and snorts of his date.

"Not ta worry lad! She's like tha' with e'eryone she thinks is important. Keep yer 'ead low 'nd she'll give up after a time!"

"Wish she would give up faster!" Clive hissed.

A couple of mugs were placed in front of the couple. She proceeded to down hers that only someone with experience could do. Clive meanwhile sipped his own drink. While it was booze it wasn't that strong. After his morning he wasn't going to send it back.

As Kilpa slammed her drink down with a content sigh she turned towards Clive who took a steady gulp of his drink before setting his mug back down.

"Humans usually think our beers too strong. Not like dwarf strong but still a wee bit much fer humans."

Clive chuckled.

"Yeah, well. Most humans don't have a friend whos family brews their own whiskey out in the middle of the hills with anything they can get their hands on!"

"Oh?" She raised a quizzical eyebrow as she rummaged through a pack she had. She pulled out a flask and handed it over to him, he uncorked it and took a whiff. It made his eyes water, but with a daring look from Kilpa he took a swig. Which he regretted as it felt like he just took a straight shot of alcohol! She laughed as he coughed.

"Yup! That would give Jeb a run for his money!" Clive coughed.

"I should 'ope so! Its what I use ta start fires 'nd clean my daggers!" She chuckled.

Clive rolled his eyes as he took another sip of his own mild beer.

"Is this just going to be you picking on me all morning?"

She gulped down the next mug of her beer before slamming it back down.

"Nay! I said I'd regale you with my tales o' adventure! So ask away!"

"Alright. You said you faced giants before."

She nodded as she got a starry eyed look.

"Ah, well. Me 'nd my mates 'eard 'bout this one monster! Locals called 'im. ZOG THE SHEEP EATER! Ne'er guess why he was called tha'."

"He was eating their sheep?"

"YUP! Wha' a bunch o' rubes! Couldnae come up with somthin' more grand could they?!" She barked as she took another swig.

"Anyway, post said giant 'nd tha reward great so we 'ead out inta tha middle o' NOWHERE! Some podunk lil town tha's barely on any map! We're out there fer 3 days! By tha 3rd day we find out tha some o' tha local lads we're stealin' tha sheep!"

"Why? Were they selling them?" Clive asked as he sipped his drink.

She began to snicker.

"Nope! Turns out, they took a fancy ta 'em!"

"Fancy? Like..."

She started to snort and laugh as Clive's face turned red when it hit him!

"Yeah! They 'ad sequestered their wooly maidens away fer a romantic evenin'!"

"Just a evening? Then why the add?"

Once she had collected herself, and chugged her beer, she continued.

"Tha lads panicked when they 'eard tha' some rough 'nd tough adventurers were comin'! So they kept 'em hidden, 'opein' tha' we'd leave 'nd they could resume their lustful lambing!"

"So what happened? Wait? I thought this story was supposed to be about a giant?"

"I'm gettin' there! So, we tell tha chief, or mayor, or whatever 'e was. We tell 'im 'nd 'e is FURIOUS! Yells 'nd rages at tha poor frisky lads, sentences 'em ta die by bein' sacrificed!"

"Sacrificed?! To what?!"

She gave Clive a smirk.

"Ta. A. Giant! Turns out that Zog were real! T'was tha lads tha' posted tha add fer tha giant! They just didnae know tha' WE were there fer it 'nd not tha sheep!"

"We follow tha yokels ta this spot where tha lads were ta be sacrificed. They tied 'em up ta a big stone 'nd banged a drum. Then this 'ill, which turns out ain't no 'ill, breaks from tha ground! 'Nd there stands ZOG THE SHEEP EATER!" She bursts out in laughs and snorts at the absurd name.

"So did you let them die?"

"Course not! Fer one, they were just some dumb kids gettin' frisky with tha wildlife! 'Nd TWO! Tha rest o' tha village weren't goin' ta pay us fer findin' their sheep 'nd were goin' ta 'ave ol' Zog munch us too!" She sipped down more of her drink. Clive was surprised she was still coherent with how much she had downed already!

"So we do tha' tried 'nd true plan o' run towards tha giant 'nd hit it really 'ard! Moira rushes out ta get tha beasts attention while tha rest o' 'em pepper 'im from afar! While they're doin' tha', me 'nd Sprog sneak around behind 'im."

"While 'es distracted. Sprog throws some kinda sticky bombs at 'is feet ta keep 'im planted. I climb up tha beast 'till I'm next ta 'is 'head! I throw some poison in 'is eye 'nd go ta town on 'is throat! Stabbin' 'nd cuttin'! Which is 'ard! Giants skin is like stone!"

Another pause to sip.

"Eventually tha giant topples o'er 'nd tha ground rumbles like tha earth itself is movin'! Tha' were it! Moira charged tha downed beast 'nd planted 'er war hammer down on tha 'is 'ead fer good measure! Seein' their god, or guardian, or whatever 'e was fall, tha villagers ran. Tha lads thanked us fer savin' them, 'nd their sheepy wives, 'nd payed us. Then we went 'ome!"

Clive just sat there and drank his beer. It sounded like something out of one their games! Even the dumb suicidal charge at the boss!

"Is that what you did before you ended up here?"

"Nope! Tha' were a DRAGON we faced 'fore comin' 'ere!" She was starting to get tipsy now, Clive looked over and found that she's been slamming back mug after mug!

"I think you've had enough." Clive said as he took away the mug from the intoxicated halfling.

"Ok. But you 'ave ta carry me 'ome!"

Clive sighed as he picked up the halfling and, with slurred directions, brought her to... his tent.

"Uhm, Kilpa? This is my tent."

"Oh ish it?" She slurred.

"Well. Guessh tha' meansh you'll 'ave ta tuck me in!"

Why were halflings so horny, Clive thought as Kilpa made a smoochy face at him.

"Even if I wanted to on the first date. You're drunk, and I can barely fit in my own bed let alone the two of us."

She leaned closer to his face.

"Good choice!"

Then she kissed him on the cheek and jumped out of his arms and ran off.

"See you tomorrow Clive!"

Clive watched the apparently sober halfling sprint off. He chuckled as he rubbed his cheek where she had kissed him.

"Guess halflings aren't that bad. Well, SOME of them!"