Duval Estate.

Today was a good day, Morty thought as they pulled into the garage at the estate. Got to see Jeb. Actually made an apology. Got to eat something new. Got kidnapped by spiders. Well ok, that wasn't so fun. Neither was the feeling like you just chugged an oz. of Jager while jetlagged after your best friend teleports you.

Other than that it was fun, Morty thought as he went into the mansion with the ogre sisters and goblin maid shadowing him. Though he did recall Clive saying something about feeling good about it or something like that. He didn't really remember feeling better after he did, just anxiousness and nausea and he was pretty sure that wasn't what it was supposed to feel like.

Oh well, he thought as he fixed himself a glass of bourbon and made his way out back to check on things. At least that was one thing off his shoulders. With personal relationships squared away at the moment and The Colonel playing interference with the National Guard, he was free to expand!

Or he would be if his backyard wasn't on fire.

"What the hell happened here?!"

A swath of the Eastern side of the estate was awash with blood, fire, and bodies. Some of them looked like weird goat people, some looked like the Klan if they got their robes dyed purple, and there were these strange worm/dog/things. There was also a metric ton of dead goblins. But some ninety-nine percent of them were expendable and replaceable so he didn't really care about them especially as it seems his house wasn't burnt to the ground and he wasn't being attacked by something.

"For now anyway." Morty muttered as he saw Gerard and a few Red Caps making their way over to him.

"Two- no, THREE hours! I was gone for three hours and I come back to the place looking like a frat party aftermath! What happened?!" Morty shouted.

"We came under assault not long after you departed, General." One of the Red Caps explained.

"By who? Or what for that matter?" Morty asked.

"Those things were at the mine." Orga said as she and her sister eyed the mountain and shuffled a little closer to Morty.

"Well they're here now!" Morty said.

"Were here. We managed to repel them, General." The other Red Cap said.

"Gee, thanks for pointing that out! I wouldn't have figured that!" Morty said sarcastically while he gestured to the assortment of dead bodies.

"Damage to the estate is minimal, Master Mortimer. Loss of life is also, aside from a single Red Cap officer that died during the initial surprise attack, negligible. Those that died are being replaced as we speak and what damage has been sustained is currently being repaired." Gerard described.

"I don't care about minimal and negligible! I don't want it happening fucking period! What's the point of having an army if I come back to dead bodies on my back lawn?!" Morty yelled.

"Unless we mobilize to pursue them into the mountains, we can only prepare to defend the estate, General." One of the Red Caps explained.

"So do so! Find where they came from and burn them out if you have to! Turn the fucking place into a parking lot!" Morty ordered.

"Master? Isn't tensions between those in the hills and those in town strained? Wouldn't it be more prudent-" Gerard started before Morty cut him off.

"NO! THEY attacked US! I don't give a damn about relations between them and the town, they attacked what was mine and now I have an army to kick their teeth in! So mobilize a force to send out and clear who or whatever the fuck these people are!" Morty decreed.

"General, it will take time to assemble a force and equip them for the terrain." One of the Red Caps said.

"I don't care! Just get it done! I don't ever want to leave only to come back to a fucking bloodbath again! Do you understand?!"

"Yes, General!" The Red Caps said with a salute before departing to carry out his orders.

Gerard, however, remained behind with Morty who looked down at the goblin butler that had a concerned look on his face.

"What now?"

"While we were able to repel the attack on the manor itself. Our outposts might not have been so fortunate."

"Has anyone checked on them yet?"

"Some messengers were sent out. But with them being on foot I fear we won't hear back for some time. If they don't get ambushed along the way that is." Gerard said.

"Why are they on foot?! Don't we have horses or carts or something?"

"No. The only horse we had was given, by you, to The Colonel in town. Which I have under information ran away not long ago. As for vehicles? No. Our tinkerers have yet to device a... reliable mode of transportation."

"You're telling me we have NO means of transport?! How is anything being moved around?!" Morty asked.

Gerard gestured to several groups of dragues hauling supplies back and forth as well as a couple of trogs hauling boxes.

This book is hosted on another platform. Read the official version and support the author's work.

"We make do with what we have, Master."

Shit that's right, Morty thought. He kinda left them to their own devises didn't he? He massaged his head with his one free hand.

"Ok. Well since buying farm animals is expensive. As is military horses. Do you have any suggestions?"

"Well, while you were away I was actually experimenting a remedy for just that." Gerard said and gestured for Morty to follow him to the Western part of the estate where a bit of land had been cleared and now contained a handful of local wildlife.

"If you're not aware. Animals don't much care for goblins. Even the Red Caps aren't immune from their ire either." Gerard said as he gestured to a half-starved bobcat that hissed from it's cage and backed away from the Noble Goblin.

"So I've been trying to come up with a method of breeding a more goblin friendly animal to act as beasts of burden or even mounts until the tinkerers are able to produce a more mechanical alternative." Gerard continued.

"How's it been going?" Morty asked as he looked around at the various cages.

"It's been... less than ideal. Even the most 'friendly' of animals are skittish and temperamental towards us and trying to create circumstances to breed them has also been next to impossible." Gerard stated as he gestured to yet more cages containing some other trapped bobcats as well as feral hogs, a couple of deer, and some sheep. All of which were either violent towards the presence of the nearby goblins in charge of taking care of the animals or tried their damnedest to get as far away from them.

"Solutions?"

"Goblinization." Gerard stated simply.

"What?"

"You recall what happened with the humans and trolls that entered the spawning pools correct?"

"Yeah."

"I thought, what if the process could be repeated with animals to create a goblinized species of animal that would be suitable as companions!" Gerard said as they neared another section of the menagerie.

"So how did it turn out?" Morty asked.

"...Interesting." Gerard stated in a strained tone and gestured to what appeared to be a goblin with a wool coat on.

"What is-" Morty started before the goblin turned around and Morty saw that it wasn't a coat but just straight wool that had sprung from the goblin's shoulders, wrists, ankles, and head! It turned to Morty and Gerard with sheepy eyes and bayed at them!

"That's disturbing." Morty said as he swallowed down a gulp of bourbon.

"Indeed. And this has been just the first of the reactions so far." Gerard said as the sheeplin was led away by some goblin grunts and around a nearby shed where Morty heard its braying followed by a single shot from a gun.

"So have you found anything so far?"

"Not yet. Though I'm guessing that mixing the amount of matter thrown into the pools will vary the results more. If we-"

"You know what? I'm just going to leave this to you because I don't think I can stomach whatever homunculus abomination comes of these tests. So just get back to me with the end result, ok?" Morty interrupted before beating a hasty retreat from the little shop of horrors.

Maybe he should just shell out for some horses, Morty thought. He wasn't exactly religious, but that just made him want to go to church just by being near it! He did a sign of the cross and muttered a prayer under his breath before washing it down with bourbon and heading back to the manor.

"Better not end up like Jurassic Park." Morty muttered as he made his way to the kitchen for a snack to help keep the manticore down after seeing that abomination of nature.

But of course he couldn't be left alone without something upsetting him, Morty thought as he spied the nobles, still several times chunkier than they were when they got here, as they shuffled towards him. They huffed and heaved as they came up to him with sweaty brows and bulbous guts.

"Lord *heave* Mortimer. *huff* We would *wheeze* have words *heave* with you."

Morty rolled his yes as he fished out some sausage to snack on.

"What now?"

"Well *heave* while we *huff* are aware *cough* that our power isn't *wheeze* as obvious as it used to be *hack* we still demand the *huff* proper respect afforded *heave* to those of our noble station!" Lord Halifeor declared as he shook his jowls indignantly while heaving like he just ran a mile.

"Oh? Such as?" Morty asked disinterested.

"Such *huff* as those *heave* filthy goblins *wheeze* seducing our *heave* children!" Lord Caeywin heaved as well.

"And?" Morty asked just as disinterested as before.

"And? *huff* And?! *heave* Our children are *wheeze* being swayed by *heave* those monsters and we *wheeze* demand you put a stop to *huff* it!"

"Or, and here's just my personal suggestion, you can just fuck off." Morty stated simply.

"We *heave* beg your *huff* pardon?!"

"You should, who gives a shit if they wanna get with goblins?!" Morty said.

"But *heave* they're-"

"Short, green, have perky tits, tighter than a vice. Sounds pretty fun to me."

"Have *heave* you?!"

"Yeah. I have." Morty said and immediately cast his eyes towards the ogre sisters.

No reaction and I'm not dead, good so far, Morty thought with some small relief. He knows he kinda talked about this with them before. But he's never really met a girl that was alright with sharing. Unless he paid for it that is. Still, better to error on the side of judgement and keep any relations with Henrietta friendly but professional until the ogres give him the go ahead. Even then he should probably just keep it in his pants. Should just stay safe when your two girlfriends are about three feet taller and about three hundred pounds bigger than you.

He turned his gaze back to the nobles that looked far more pent up than they did when they came to him.

"So what if they wanna screw a goblin?"

"WE *huff* CARE! Our noble *heave* bloodlines *gasp* need to *cough* remain *huff* unsullied!"

"Oh please! I'll bet some good scotch that one of your 'noble ancestors' was a chamber pot maid that was on her hands and knees cleaning more than just the floors by her lord or a lady riding the stable boy like she was at the Kentucky Derby!" Morty said heatedly, he's heard enough of this 'noble lineage' crap from his father and the staff, he sure as shit wasn't going to hear about it from these fat slobs!

"HOW *GASP* DARE-"

"Zip it lardo! If you don't like your brats porking the goblins then leave! Go ahead! See if you'll find anything better!"

"If *huff* we find *heave* a goblin *cough* defiling our *heave* heirs, we'll-"

"What?" Morty said as he stepped closer to the two nobles with violent intent on his face.

"W-w-w-well."

"You won't do a Goddamn thing. You lay one greasy fucking finger on my staff and I'll feed it to the fucking hogs! Don't like that? Then fuck off! The only reason you're not dead or on the street already is because of the goblins so I'd be really fucking grateful if I was you!" Morty hissed heatedly.

The two nobles sputtered and wobbled their greasy jowls at his tone and words. But Morty didn't care. They had nothing and all their threats and bluster was nothing more than hot air. The only reason they were still around and being fed like the fat pigs that they were was because of Gerard. But if they think they can wave their sausage fingers at him they had another thing coming!

Morty slapped his salty meat across the face of one of the lords that resonated in the kitchen with a greasy wet slap! The lord just looked dumbstruck while Morty slapped it across the fatty face of the other one as well. The two nobles were just stunned by Morty beating his meat on them!

They sputtered and wobbled as Morty continued to assault them with his sausage. If threats weren't going to keep them in line maybe some good old fashioned humiliation would, he thought as he brought his meat back across the face of Lord Halifeor and carrying it over to slap across Lord Caeywin's blubbery face. The only remnant of the elf's fine features was the pointed ears, the rest was lost beneath grease and fat.

Probably softens the blows, Morty thought as he continued to batter them with his thick meat. He paused only when he heard one of the nobles give out a whimper that almost sounded like a pig squeal! Seeing their faces covered in bits of meat and grease as they cowered and blubbered before him made him sick though.

"How fucking pathetic!" Morty said as opened the back door and flung his soiled sausage out into the yard for some goblin or drague to snatch up.

The two lords wouldn't meat his eyes when he walked back. He glowered at them.

"So, any more complaints? Concerns? Fucking suggestions?"

The lards shook their blubbery faces at Morty.

"Good. The next time you think about rolling down here to bother me about something stupid like this, just remember that things could be ALOT worse for you. If you really think you have it so bad then by all means and leave."

The nobles didn't make to leave though, so Morty took that as a sign of submission. With a huff and an adjustment to his suit he departed with the sister close behind and the nobles glaring at his back as he did so.

They huffed and heaved as they waddled their way back to their corner of the mansion. Lord Caeywin grumbled as they struggled to climb the stairs.

"Such blatant *huff* disrespect! *heave* No king or *wheeze* duke would dare *cough* treat the nobility *heave* like this!"

"What can you *hack* expect from *heave* someone that *huff* fornicates and leads *puff* savages and *wheeze* animals!" Lord Halifeor said as they finally reached the top of the stairs where they stopped to catch their breath.

"We *wheeze* need to *huff* restore *heave* our status!" Lord Caeywin declared.

"Aye! *wheeze* A change is *heave* in order!" Lord Halifeor agreed.

With words of rebellion and sedition declared, the lords hobbled their way to their rooms. The first thing they needed to do was separate their lustful heirs from their goblin concubines and lovers! While they can't overtly take action against the goblins, they could still discipline their own blood!