Clive and the halflings returned to the settlement, met with cheers as many of them ran and began to hug and kiss loved ones returning like they went off to war. Clive wasn't in much of a celebratory mood but stayed at Hamish's insistence.

So there he was once again, sitting on a stool he felt too big for, drinking tea from a cup a bit too small, and listening as the halflings talked and yelled about him as if he wasn't there while an even greater feast was held.

"He showed that giant who's boss! Challenged him ta a dual of wits 'nd tha beast was so soundly beaten he ran away cryin'!"

"Tha beast towered o'er us! Then the lad looked him dead in tha eye 'nd tha beast turned ta stone right then 'nd there!" Someone to his right span.

"He threw tha beast 'gainst tha ground 'nd water sprung forth 'nd sent tha monster flyin' towards tha sun!" Another told tall tale.

"He shouted him ta death! With his voice!" Clive quirked an eyebrow at that one.

Suffice it to say that the stories were... greatly exaggerated. Of course his marriage prospects got even better, or worse, as many halfling hopefuls threw themselves at "Clive the Giant Slayer". Some of them were quite literally THROWN at him!

He was trying very hard to intently focus on his cup of tea as a VERY buxom halfling dressed in a headache inducing dress had practically climbed on him and sat on his lap, obnoxiously dolled up face uncomfortably close as she was very clearly grinding against him.

"Soooo, yer tha human that killed a giant? 'Ow very primal it must be ta battle such a big monster!"

The innuendo wasn't lost on Clive, even if it wasn't obvious before her repeated, and thankfully failed, attempts at undoing his pants made it abundantly clear as to what she had in mind. He was glad she couldn't flirt and fiddle with his fly at the same time.

"Well, it was certainly something. Dealing with a giant and with rising water didn't help." Clive said as he was looking everywhere but at the short bimbo.

"Mmmm, looks like I'll be doin' my own battle with somethin' giant. Hope you got used ta bein' wet!" The thirsty halfling purred with all the subtlety of a semi-truck. She turned her attention towards his zipper.

Clive quickly looked around for help. He spied Hamish's wife Addie nearby, she was glaring at the thotling so hard he was surprised she didn't burst to flames! When he got her attention he mouthed a pleading 'help me', she looked around for something or someone. She must have had an idea because when Clive saw her face she had a smile that would put The Grinch to shame, he would swear he even saw horns appear.

"You know, you'd be my first!" She said in an attempt to sound sexy.

"First?" Clive skeptically said.

She giggled before booping him on the nose

"First HUMAN silly! Though its flatterin' you think me some blushin' virgin!" she said running her hands over her, anything but virgin, body.

Clive just forced a polite smile at the halfling as she, unfortunately, returned her focus back to his pants.

"Now if I can jus' figure out this thi-"

CRASH!!!

Clive was eternally grateful as a platter of food and drink fell on them. The thotling just looked shocked as rivers of far too much makeup ran down her face.

This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

Clive looked over and saw Addie hobble away with an all too innocent look on her face. A pudgier, even by halfling standards, ruddy faced man waddled over.

"Dear! Are you alright?!"

"NO I'M NOT ALRIGHT!!! My makeup and dress is ruined!" She wailed as the fatling fanned the woman as she, reluctantly, climbed off him. Wanting not to seem rude Clive offered a cloth napkin to the woman, who accepted it like it was gold.

"Thank you lad! OH!? Dear! Did you know this is Clive the Giant Slayer!" The halfling man exclaimed.

"Oh, we've met already! You could say we've become close friends." She unsubtly winked at him.

"That's my wife! So friendly and quick to make friends!" Clive actually spit out his tea. WIFE?! Clive looked at the two with both shock and pity.

"I need ta clean up, come husband!" She called as she marched towards an exit, husband in tow.

Poor man, Clive thought as he set aside what was left of his tea. He was going to call it a night. The ordeal with the giant left him in a dark mood and hasn't improved so far even with the party happening in his honor. He made his way over to Hamish, who was drinking and telling his own, exaggerated, version of the story to a group of quarterlings.

"So there I stood! Waves crashed around me, Clive dead at my side, 'nd a giant towerin' o'er me like a mountain!"

Clive just rolled his eyes as he tapped Hamish on the shoulder.

"Thanks for the party, but I'm going to call it a night!"

"Wha?! You can't leave yer ow-"

"'Ow did you survive diein' Tallman Clive?!" Hamish was interrupted as one of them spoke up.

"Eating your greens and drinking your milk!" Clive said with a chuckle as his words sent the kids into a barrage of questions, overwhelming Hamish's protests. Clive made his way towards his car and headed home as the sky darkened.

-----

Hamish just sighed as he watched Clive leave. This was supposed to be such a joyous occasion! He just shrugged his shoulders and turned back towards the kids. But was only met with a glare from his wife.

"Dear?"

"We need ta talk Hamish!" She stated as she all but dragged Hamish away towards their private tent.

When they got into their tent, which was of decent size, for a halfling anyway. It was big enough to provide room for a separator for them and their son's privacy. Their son was playing with a wooden horse on his cot as they moved to their own side.

"Did you see that HARLOT!" Addie hissed as she sat down in a rocking chair and picked up a pair of knitting needles and some yarn.

"Erm, who?" Hamish asked as he watched as his wife worked the yarn with an intensity that made him sit down a, presumably, safe distance away.

"Who do you think!? CARRIE LONGFELLOW!!!!" She yelled, not missing a beat in her agitated knitting.

Hamish held in a groan. He knew where this, one-sided, conversation was going and so made himself comfortable as he lit his pipe.

"She were practically rutting that poor lad like some wild animal!" She hissed as Hamish started to tune out the oncoming rant.

"Oh aye, poor lad." Hamish said with little conviction.

"Right?! Lad must 'ave some patience ta not throw that TROLLAP ta tha ground like tha trash she is!" She continued her knitting and ranting to Hamish.

"Don't know why yer so worried o'er her? She's married!" Hamish retorted.

Addie scoffed.

"Married. Please, everyone knows that poor man is nothin' more than a walkin' symbol fer her ta flaunt like she's off limits! Tha same fate that HARPY wants ta give Clive!"

"Oh aye, terrible fate." Hamish muttered. Though Addie wasn't as deep in her rant that she couldn't tell her husband was only marginally paying attention as she threw a ball of yarn at him.

"I mean it Hamish!" She scolded.

"This is all jus' 'casue of the ribbon isn't it?" Hamish said exasperated.

Addie pointed a needle with deadly intent.

"That was MY ribbon! She knew it made me prettier 'nd that's why she STOLE IT! That's tha only reason she won tha Miss Pie Pageant!"

"Tha was almost 30 years ago! Cant you let it go?!" Hamish pleaded tiredly.

"SHE STOLE MY RIBBON!!! That's why she won! She also bedded tha judges, but that's not tha point!" She hissed.

"If we don't stop her she'll mark that poor lad like some BITCH markin' her territory! Which is why on tha 'morrow yer goin' ta go ta Clive. Yer goin' ta get him out of that box he "lives" in. THEN yer goin' ta convince him ta marry our daughter!" Hamish coughed on his tobacco as what his wife just said hit him.

"What daughter woman?!" Hamish asked incredibly. Addie just patted her rotund belly in answer.

"A human will ne'er go fer that! Also! 'Ow do you even know its a girl?!" Hamish asked in disbelief.

"A woman knows these thin's Hamish. As ta him not "goin' fer it" he's a good lad 'nd would be lucky ta 'ave one of our daughters!" She said simply as if it was easy.

"Dear. A human, even a good one like Clive, wouldn't marry a halflin'! Especially one not even born yet!" Hamish stated. When it came to pairings between halflings and humans they knew it was always the halflings that stood to gain more in the marriage and they would have to fork over an absurd dowry just to make it worth it for a human to marry a halfling.

The only reason the others were so hard on setting him up was because they all hoped he would be desperate enough that they could get a bargain of a dowry while selling off a average relative with little marriage prospects. His recent fame would just add to their prestige with the other families.

"This is a new land Hamish! You WILL go o'er there 'nd arrange tha marriage of our daughter ta Clive! I will NOT have that sex with tits 'nd legs snag that poor lad in her grip! Besides, it will be good fer him to stay near us! She's do any week now 'nd tha sooner he knows her tha better!" She stated.

Hamish made to argue, but thought better of it when she held one of her needle towards him. The intent clear he just resigned himself to his fate. He would go to Clive tomorrow and get him out of his box... and SOMEHOW convince him to marry his unborn daughter.

Hamish sighed as he just puffed away on his pipe. Feryl playing with his toy on the other side. Addie knitting, and cursing away.