SCENE 1: THE APARTMENT STAGE
[Setting: Elliot and Claire’s tiny, perpetually disheveled apartment. The coffee table is covered in takeout boxes, scattered notebooks, and an inexplicably large collection of mismatched socks. The curtains, for some reason, billow dramatically despite the lack of wind. The gods and divine beings are gathered like performers at the end of a grand stage play.]
Coincidence, God of Coincidence (standing on the couch, draped in a curtain like a makeshift cape):
“And so, my dear mortals, it ends. The tale told, the chaos sewn. We bow before the applause of the cosmos—an ovation we can never hear, yet always feel.”
Claire (deadpan, holding a mug of coffee and gesturing vaguely at the room):
“Get off the couch before you break it.”
Elliot (half-asleep on the armchair):
“Wait, what’s ending? Did I miss something? Did someone die?”
Sable, God of Irony (rolling their eyes, perched on the kitchen counter like a judgmental cat):
“No, Elliot. It’s a moment. A ‘curtain call.’ A final bow.”
(pauses, smirking)
“Or as Coincidence likes to call it, ‘Tuesday.’”
Innu, God of Innuendo (lounging dramatically on the armrest of Elliot’s chair, twirling a strand of hair):
“Oh, but isn’t it delicious? The tease of finality, the seductive whisper of goodbye, only to pull the rug out from under them. Chef’s kiss.”
Coincidence (turning to face the group, flourishing the curtain):
“This is no mere tease! It’s the culmination of everything we’ve built! A dance! A song! A tapestry woven from—”
Claire (cutting him off):
“—bad metaphors, stray goats, and questionable takeout orders.”
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Scene 2: The Farewells Begin
[The lights dim (somehow—no one touched the switch). Each god steps forward as though delivering a final monologue. A faintly familiar tune, suspiciously resembling “As the World Falls Down,” plays on the stereo. Button Sprinkles bats at the speaker in irritation.]
Serendipity, God of Happy Endings (grinning, their aura of whimsical chaos flickering like sunlight through leaves):
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“If you ever need a silver lining, you know where to find me. Or maybe you won’t, and I’ll find you instead. That’s the beauty of it, isn’t it? Everything… and nothing.”
[Elliot blinks, trying to process this. Button Sprinkles jumps onto his lap and immediately steals a bite of his sandwich.]
Conundrum, God of Conundrums (gesturing wildly with a chalkboard covered in nonsensical diagrams):
“Remember, my friends! Every riddle has a thousand answers, and each answer is a new question! Except for this one.”
(pauses dramatically, then shrugs)
“Actually, no, this one too. Good luck!”
[They vanish behind a door that wasn’t there a moment ago.]
Sable (crossing their arms, voice dripping with sarcasm):
“Oh, please. I don’t do goodbyes. They’re so passé. But if you ever want a critique on your poor life choices, I’ll be there. Probably eating your snacks.”
Claire (muttering):
“Yeah, I’ve noticed.”
Imri, God of Implications (as Tripod, a rabbit perched impossibly on a stack of books):
[They hop down and nudge a bowl of jellybeans across the table to Elliot. No words, just a knowing twitch of the ears. Elliot stares at the rabbit, unnerved.]
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Scene 3: The “End”
[Coincidence steps into the center of the room, arms wide, as if preparing for a Shakespearean soliloquy. Everyone collectively groans.]
Coincidence:
“And now, the grand finale! A final bow! A curtain falls on this moment, never to—”
[The door bursts open. T.Pratchett the goat enters, chewing on what appears to be a foam noodle. The gods all turn, startled.]
Claire:
“What the—?”
T.Pratchett (bleating, dropping the noodle):
“BAHHHH!”
Coincidence (recovering, smirking):
“Ah, yes. The goat speaks, and so the cycle continues.”
Elliot (groaning):
“Okay, seriously. Is this over or not?”
[The group exchanges glances, and for a moment, the atmosphere turns genuinely poignant. Then Innu claps her hands, breaking the silence.]
Innu:
“Oh, who are we kidding? It’s not goodbye. It’s ‘see you next Tuesday.’ Or whenever Coincidence decides to drop another ‘moment.’”
(leans in toward Elliot)
“Get used to it, love. We’re not going anywhere.”
Sable (grinning wickedly):
“Not even out of your fridge.”
[The gods laugh, a sound that echoes like starlight. The camera pans to the stereo, where the tune transitions into a jazzy rendition of the Labyrinth theme. T.Pratchett grabs the foam noodle and trots off. Button Sprinkles curls up on the couch, purring.]
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Epilogue: Claire’s Perspective
[Claire turns off the lights, leaving Elliot staring at the now-empty apartment, littered with inexplicable crumbs and glitter. She pats him on the shoulder.]
Claire:
“Don’t worry, Elliot. It’s never really over.”
(smirking)
“Just like your tab at the bar.”
[They both laugh as the credits roll. Button Sprinkles opens one eye, watching the screen fade to black.]
[End Scene]
[retcon:1]