Scene 1: The Movie Plan

[Setting: A Sunny Afternoon – Downtown]

Claire and Elliot stroll along the sidewalk, weaving through clusters of pedestrians and aimless pigeons. Claire is clutching a crumpled list of “must-see tearjerkers,” her determination unshakeable. Elliot, as always, looks like a man surrendering to his fate.

Claire: “I don’t get it. You love sad songs—why wouldn’t you love sad movies?”

Elliot (deadpan): “Because I have to look at people’s faces while they cry, and it’s weird.”

Claire (ignoring him, triumphant): “The Blossoming Garden is playing at 3:30. It’s supposed to be devastating. And beautiful. You’ll survive.”

As they round the corner, a familiar voice cuts through the crowd like a bell.

Felicity, God of Happy Endings (waving enthusiastically): “Well, look who’s stumbling through their afternoon like two lost ducklings.”

She’s perched on the steps of a nearby café, iced coffee in hand, sunglasses perched atop her head.

Claire (beaming): “Felicity! We’re going to the movies. Come with us!”

Felicity (sliding down the railing with inexplicable grace): “Movies, eh? Something brooding and existential, I hope.”

Claire: “It’s a tearjerker.”

Elliot (muttering): “A Blossoming Garden.”

Felicity (grinning): “Ah, excellent. I could use a good cry. Balance out my week.”

Elliot (sighing, resigned): “Sure. Let’s all get emotionally wrecked together. Why not.”

Scene 2: Inside the Theater

The trio file into the dim, slightly sticky theater, arms loaded with popcorn and absurdly oversized sodas. Claire and Felicity are buzzing with excitement, settling into their seats. Elliot slouches next to them, already bracing for mediocrity.

Elliot (under his breath): “At least the popcorn’s good.”

The previews roll—generic romance trailers, sweeping landscapes, someone staring forlornly into a rain-soaked window.

Then the lights dim, and the title card for A Blossoming Garden appears: “Starring Coincidence, God of Coincidences and Conundrum, God of Conundrums”.

Elliot: “…What.”

Claire (frowning): “Did I just see…?”

Felicity leans forward, her eyes narrowing with intrigue.

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Felicity: “Oh, this is going to be good.”

Scene 3: The Movie Begins

The camera pans to an artfully foggy mountaintop, where Coincidence stands dramatically, arms outstretched as though welcoming the audience. He’s wearing a tuxedo for no discernible reason, and he looks far too pleased with himself.

Coincidence (smirking): “Ah, welcome! Sit back, grab your popcorn, and let’s have a little chat, shall we?”

He turns—on the screen—to look directly at Felicity, Claire, and Elliot.

Coincidence: “Felicity! Lovely to see you here. Claire, always delightful. Elliot… you look thrilled. Truly.”

Elliot (whispering to Felicity): “He knows we’re here?”

Felicity (grinning): “Of course he does. Enjoy the show.”

The camera angle shifts to reveal a smaller figure slumped at the edge of the mountain: Conundrum, looking rumpled and vaguely hungover, one shoe missing. He’s surrounded by an inexplicable scattering of pineapples.

Coincidence (voiceover, in his best narrator tone): “This is the story of a man. A god, technically. A complicated puzzle masquerading as a person. You know him as the God of Conundrum, but to me, he’s just Con.”

Conundrum (groaning): “Please stop.”

Begin Sprawling Narrative: The Tale of the Pineapple Confession

The movie shifts into Coincidence’s sprawling narrative style—complete with surreal montages, overly poetic shots of the sky, and inexplicable goats wandering across fields of flowers.

Coincidence (voiceover): “You see, Conundrum has a crush. A pineapple crush, you might say. On none other than our very own Felicity.”

Felicity (leaning back smugly): “Called it.”

Elliot (staring in disbelief): “Is this real life?”

On-screen, Conundrum shouts toward the sky.

Conundrum: “It’s not a crush! It’s… complicated!”

Coincidence (appearing next to him, sipping tea): “Oh yes, very complicated. So complicated, in fact, that you got drunk and tried to mail a pineapple to her as a confession.”

The movie cuts to a montage: Conundrum wobbling in a post office, a clerk refusing to accept a pineapple as valid postage, and Conundrum dramatically dropping it into a mailbox anyway.

Claire (snickering): “That’s actually… kind of sweet.”

Conundrum (grumbling on-screen): “It was symbolic.”

Coincidence: “Of course it was. But here’s the thing about Conundrum—he thought he was the only one who knew. That no one else had figured it out.”

The screen splits into three:

Felicity smirking knowingly.

Sable rolling his eyes.

A goat standing on a mailbox, chewing a piece of paper labeled Pineapple Delivery Receipt.

Coincidence (grinning): “Everyone knows, Con. Everyone. It’s just that no one really cares, because, well… love is like that. Messy. Obvious. And a little ridiculous.”

Scene 4: Breaking the Fourth Wall

Coincidence turns back to the audience—again, directly addressing the theater.

Coincidence: “So, Felicity, my dear, don’t hold it against him. He’ll probably never say it out loud, but I thought you ought to know. And Elliot—consider this your lesson for the day: the more you try to hide something, the more obvious it becomes.”

Elliot (slumping lower in his seat): “This is so not about me.”

Felicity (nudging him): “You sure?”

Scene 5: The Credits Roll

The screen fades to black, and the words “Fin.” appear in ornate cursive. Soft, dramatic piano music swells as though the audience has just witnessed a life-changing epic.

Elliot, Claire, and Felicity sit in stunned silence as the theater lights come back up.

Claire: “Did we just… watch a movie about Conundrum being in love with you?”

Felicity (grinning): “I mean, it was more about the pineapple. But yes, apparently so.”

Elliot (rubbing his temples): “I think I need ice cream again. Or therapy. Probably both.”

Felicity (standing, stretching): “Oh, cheer up, Elliot. At least it wasn’t a musical.”

As they leave the theater, the door swings open to reveal Conundrum—standing outside, holding a fresh pineapple and looking utterly mortified.

Conundrum (muttering): “Don’t. Say. A word.”

Felicity (beaming): “Not a peep, darling.”

Elliot (deadpan): “A Pineapple Crush. It’s got a ring to it.”

Conundrum glares daggers at Elliot before stomping off, the pineapple tucked protectively under his arm like a wounded ego.

Somewhere, in the distance, the faint buzz of a neon sign flickered, as if even the universe couldn’t stop laughing.

[End Scene]

[retcon:1]