[Setting]

It’s a dimly lit neighborhood bar, the kind of place that smells like spilled beer and faint regret. Despite its humble atmosphere, it offers an unspoken promise of refuge from life’s chaos—or so Elliot hopes as he trudges through the door. Behind the counter, Claire is wiping down glasses, her apron reading “Pour Decisions”.

Elliot takes a seat at the far end of the bar, trying to keep his head down. But the moment the God of Coincidence strolls in, flipping a coin as bright as his grin, Elliot knows his peace is doomed.

Right behind Coincidence, the God of Conundrums follows, adjusting his tie with the air of a man resigned to someone else’s ridiculous plan.

The Setup

Elliot (groaning): “Why am I not surprised?”

Claire (without looking up, smirking): “Because you’ve learned better by now.”

Coincidence (settling onto a barstool, flipping his coin): “Ah, Elliot! Fancy seeing you here. Isn’t it beautiful how life works?”

Elliot (glowering): “Beautiful? More like relentless.”

Conundrum (taking a seat beside Coincidence, inspecting his tie): “Relentless, indeed. Like a riddle that loops endlessly without resolution.”

Claire (placing a glass of water in front of Elliot): “Are they always this dramatic?”

Elliot (nodding): “Constantly. I think it’s their whole thing.”

Coincidence (grinning): “Dramatic? I prefer to call it theatrical. Speaking of which…” (he spins on his stool to face the room) “…shall we entertain?”

Before Elliot can protest, Coincidence tosses the coin in the air. It lands with a theatrical clang on the counter, spinning in place.

Coincidence (gesturing grandly): “And so begins the tale of Tobias the Goat Whisperer!”

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The Sprawling Tale: Tobias the Goat Whisperer

Coincidence: “Once upon a time, in a small, sleepy village, there lived a man named Tobias. Tobias had one remarkable skill: he could talk to goats.”

Elliot (interrupting): “Why is it always goats with you?”

Coincidence (ignoring him): “One day, Tobias discovers that one of his goats—let’s call her Clementine—has wandered into the village bakery. Chaos ensues. Flour everywhere, overturned dough, and a very angry baker who demands compensation.”

Claire (raising an eyebrow): “Let me guess. Tobias doesn’t have the money.”

Coincidence: “Exactly! So, he makes a deal. In exchange for the goat’s crimes, Tobias agrees to bake bread for the village for an entire month. But here’s the twist: Clementine refuses to leave the bakery. She plants herself by the oven, bleating at Tobias, until he realizes…”

Conundrum (interrupting): “…that the goat is better at baking than he is.”

Coincidence (snapping his fingers): “Precisely! Clementine becomes the village’s first ‘artisanal baker,’ and Tobias—realizing he’s been outshone by a goat—rebrands himself as her ‘manager.’ Together, they turn the bakery into the village’s greatest success story.”

Elliot’s Frustration

Elliot (throwing up his hands): “That’s it? That’s the story? A goat becomes a baker?”

Claire (leaning on the counter): “It’s oddly inspiring, actually.”

Elliot: “Inspiring? It’s ridiculous. What’s the point?”

Conundrum (adjusting his glasses, voice calm): “The point, dear Elliot, is the conundrum of value. Tobias saw himself as a failure because he couldn’t bake. Yet Clementine, a mere goat, found value in a skill no one expected her to have. Was the goat destined to bake? Or was it the coincidence of being in the right bakery at the right time?”

Elliot (sputtering): “That doesn’t answer anything!”

Coincidence (winking): “Exactly. Isn’t it delightful?”

The Pizza Guy Interruption

As the conversation spirals into philosophical nonsense, the door swings open. The pizza guy walks in, holding a delivery bag and looking deeply confused.

Pizza Guy: “Uh… is this Frank’s Burgers? Someone ordered a pineapple pizza with extra anchovies?”

Claire (raising an eyebrow): “This is a bar. Why would Frank’s Burgers be here?”

Pizza Guy: “I don’t know. GPS sent me here.”

Coincidence (grinning): “Ah, serendipity strikes again!”

Conundrum (nodding thoughtfully): “Or perhaps the inherent flaw in human reliance on technology.”

Elliot (staring at the pizza guy): “Let me guess. There’s a goat in your delivery car.”

The pizza guy’s eyes widen in alarm.

Pizza Guy: “How did you—? You know what? Never mind.”

He turns and hurries out, leaving everyone at the bar in stunned silence.

The Closing Wisdom

Coincidence (raising his glass): “To goats, pizza, and the unexpected!”

Conundrum: “And to the conundrums that keep life endlessly intriguing.”

Claire (to Elliot): “And to the patience you’ll need to deal with them.”

Elliot (groaning, rubbing his temples): “I need stronger drinks. And better friends.”

[End Scene]

[retcon:1]