Scene 1: A Different Bar, A Different Debate
[Setting: A dimly lit bar, rich with the scent of wood polish and aged whiskey. Coincidence, Conundrum, Jake, and Elliot sit around a small table. A pizza box, suspiciously half-empty, rests in the center. Coincidence, God of Coincidence, sips from a ridiculously elaborate cocktail with a tiny umbrella, while Conundrum, God of Conundrums, nurses a glass of whiskey, swirling it thoughtfully. Jake munches on a slice of pineapple pizza, and Elliot looks like he’s just here for the ride.]
Jake (gesturing with his slice): “I’m just saying, size matters. It’s basic physics. Bigger... better.”
Elliot (rolling his eyes): “Here we go.”
Coincidence (perking up, raising his glass): “Ah, size! A tale as old as time. Or, at the very least, as old as innuendo.”
Conundrum (leaning forward, smirking): “But the real question, Jake, is—bigger for whom? And better in what way?”
Scene 2: The Setup
[Coincidence leans back dramatically, his cocktail almost spilling as he waves his hands to set the stage.]
Coincidence: “Picture it: a grand kingdom where every decision is made by the size of the king’s... crown. The bigger the crown, the more respect he commands. Or so they say.”
Conundrum (interrupting, slyly): “But what they don’t say is how often that oversized crown slips off in the middle of court, causing chaos and embarrassment.”
Jake (laughing): “Yeah, but who cares? If the crown’s big enough, they’ll still listen.”
Elliot (dryly): “Unless it’s too big to fit through the door.”
Scene 3: The SSMO/Form Begins
[The lighting shifts slightly as the gods launch into their long, sprawling narrative. Coincidence gestures grandly, while Conundrum’s voice takes on a storyteller’s cadence.]
Coincidence: “Once upon a time, in the Land of Measurements, there lived two knights: Sir Maximillian of Magnitude and Sir Subtleton of Precision. Sir Maximillian was known for his... imposing presence.”
Conundrum (cutting in): “And Sir Subtleton? Known for his... strategic maneuvering.”
Jake (snorting): “So, Max was packing, and Subtleton wasn’t. Got it.”
Elliot (groaning): “Can we not?”
Coincidence (ignoring them, continuing): “Sir Maximillian wielded a sword so large, it could cleave mountains in twain! But...” (he pauses for effect) “...it was unwieldy. Every swing left him exposed.”
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Conundrum (taking over): “Meanwhile, Sir Subtleton’s blade was small but sharp, cutting with precision. While Max thundered about, Subtleton slipped through defenses unnoticed.”
Scene 4: The Pizza Guy Enters
[As the gods’ debate intensifies, a pizza delivery guy wanders in, holding a fresh box of pineapple pizza. He pauses, clearly unsure if he’s at the right place.]
Pizza Guy (to the bartender): “Uh, someone here order extra pineapple?”
Jake (grinning, raising his hand): “Right here! The fruit of kings.”
Elliot (glaring): “Fruit of madness.”
Coincidence (to the pizza guy): “Ah, my good man, tell us—does size matter in pizza toppings? Is a single pineapple slice enough to satisfy, or does the true joy lie in abundance?”
Pizza Guy (blinking, clearly caught off guard): “Uh... I guess... it depends on how much you like pineapple?”
Conundrum (nodding sagely): “A diplomatic answer. Balance is key.”
Scene 5: The Story’s Climax
[The gods return to their narrative, the pizza guy lingering in the background, munching on a slice.]
Coincidence: “One fateful day, the two knights faced off. Sir Maximillian swung his mighty blade, aiming to end the duel in one decisive blow.”
Conundrum (leaning in): “But Sir Subtleton, quick as a shadow, darted beneath the swing. With a single precise strike, he won the day.”
Jake (frowning): “Wait, so the little guy won? That’s... not satisfying.”
Elliot (grinning): “Because it’s not about size. It’s about skill.”
Coincidence (smirking): “Or, perhaps, about the story you tell. Sir Maximillian’s defeat didn’t diminish his legend. If anything, it grew. After all, who remembers the victor when the loser’s tale is larger than life?”
Conundrum (adding): “And Sir Subtleton? His victory was sweet, but fleeting. He faded into obscurity, his name forgotten by history.”
Scene 6: The Pineapple Revelation
[As the conversation lulls, the pizza guy sets down his box and picks up a slice. He takes a bite, chewing thoughtfully.]
Pizza Guy (deadpan): “You know, it’s not about how much pineapple you’ve got. It’s how it balances with the cheese. Too much, and the whole thing falls apart.”
[Everyone stares at him, momentarily stunned.]
Coincidence (raising his glass): “Wise words from a wise man.”
Conundrum (nodding): “A fitting end to our tale.”
Scene 7: The Saxophone Player’s Cameo
[As the group prepares to leave, the familiar sound of a saxophone fills the air. The sax player strolls into the bar, playing a lively tune that shifts into a slow, thoughtful melody.]
Sax Player (between notes, glancing at the group): “It’s not the size of the sax. It’s the soul in the sound.”
[He plays one last haunting note before disappearing into the night.]
Scene 8: IVS’s Absurd Update
[The lights flicker, and the familiar ding of “You’ve Got Mail” echoes through the bar. Coincidence raises a hand with a magician’s flourish, summoning a glowing scroll. The scroll unfurls midair, glowing faintly.]
Coincidence (reading aloud): “Newsletter update from IVS: ‘Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?’”
[Everyone stares at Coincidence, who frowns, tilting his head.]
Coincidence (blinking): “Wait, what?”
[The text on the scroll shifts suddenly, adding more lines.]
Coincidence (continuing, confused): “‘Do fish get thirsty? Also, why does your ice cream melt faster in your hand than in a bowl? Asking for a friend.’”
Jake (squinting): “Is… is this some kind of cosmic riddle?”
Elliot (sighing): “No, I think it’s just the universe’s version of late-night shower thoughts.”
Conundrum (nodding sagely): “It’s IVS. Must be bored again. Last week, it sent me a limerick about existential sandwiches.”
[The scroll crumples itself up in midair, unfolds dramatically, and adds one last line before vanishing in a puff of glittering smoke.]
Coincidence (reading the last line, now genuinely baffled): “‘Do penguins have knees?’”
Jake (snorting): “Okay, now it’s just trolling us.”
Coincidence (shaking his head, muttering): “Even I couldn’t have seen that coming.”
Elliot (rubbing his temples): “It means we need to start drinking somewhere normal.”
Claire (offscreen): “Don’t bet on it.”
[End Scene]
[retcon:1]