“Say, Butch. Mind shrinking yourself down? Kinda hard to play with you when you’re this big.”
“Come now, Dick,” Greg said. “That might be an overly-convenient cliche trope in fantasy stories from your world, but I assure you—oh god, he’s shrinking.”
“You called?” God asked, popping his face through a portal.
“NO! GO DO YOUR JOB, FOOL!”
“GG k thx bye XD,” said god, popping back to his domain to play more games on his xobX.
Butch promptly shrunk down to the size of an adorable toy dog, and even his barks increased in pitch. Butch squealed as Dick picked him up and placed him on his shoulder.
“That’s better. Now how about we go renovate my CTTAAPIYOPPDBOH1HP? You’ll be wanting a nice, green pasture to play around in, am I right?”
Awooo! Tiny Butch squealed.
But as much as Dick wanted to add to his CTTAAPIYOPPDBOH1HP, he realized he had a problem. He’d spent all his money buying the thing, and so he was broke. Completely broke.
Not just that, but the Sect of the Deep Fried Dead wasn’t accessible right now. Their ponzi and MLM schemes that generated so much money for him wasn’t available.
And yet, there were bags of money just lying around the floor. In fact, there were lots of them.
“Say Greg, when someone dies, what happens to their stuff?”
“Huh? What do you mean? It just stays there, of course. Oh. Oooh!” Greg said, looking at the dead bodies on the ground. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
Dick grinned and rolled up his sleeves. “It’s body-robbing time!”
----------------------------------------
An hour later, Dick had filled his inventory with money once again. 1,069,420 Buttcoin wasn’t nearly as much as he’d had before, but after robbing five hundred people, he supposed it wasn’t a bad haul.
“You really gobbled them good, didn’t you Butch?” Dick said, affectionately looking at the bloodbath his new pet had caused.
Buuuurp.
“Aww, it’s alright. No one’s blaming ya. How’d they taste?”
Awoo Awooo!
“That good, huh? Might have to try some myself sometime.”
“Please don’t eat other people,” Greg said. “And can you really understand him?”
“Course I can! What upstanding American can’t understand their dog?”
If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.
“Right. My bad. So anyway, wanna upgrade your personal pocket dimension? One million’s enough to buy you some good stuff!”
“Let’s do this. STATUUUUUUUUUUUUS SCREEN, COME FORTTHHHHH FROM THE INFERNAL DEPTHS IN WHICH YOU RESIDEEEEEE,” Dick shouted, roaring at the top of his lungs. Butch roared right alongside him, perched atop his shoulder.
Homes
[Cabin] — 39,995 Buttcoin
Landscape
[Golden Fields] — 35,995 Buttcoin
[Arctic Tundra] — 44,995 Buttcoin
[Lava Hellscape] — 54,995 Buttcoin
Add Ons
[Shed] — 14,995 Buttcoin
[Kennel] — 19,995 Buttcoin
[Stable] — 39,995 Buttcoin
Pickup Trucks
[Pickup Truck, Made in China] — 1 Buttcoin
[Pickup Truck, Made in the USA] — 1,776,000 Buttcoin
“Gosh dangit! Can’t afford the truck!” Dick shouted.
“Uh, what about that other one? The made in chi—”
“Don’t you dare say it, Greg! Don’t you even dare!”
Dick’s gaze was pure Blue Steel. So potent, he could’ve killed a hundred [Boarsii] with his looks alone.
“Uh, okay?”
The [Cabin] was a no-brainer, so he bought that immediately.
Within the white empty expanse, a small log cabin popped up. With a fireplace, a basic wooden table, and a bed, it wasn’t much.
“Don’t worry, you can upgrade the heck out of this cabin. Just think of it as a starting point. You can add bedrooms, living spaces, furniture, and loads more!” Greg said. “You can even turn it into a flying fortress if you want, eventually!”
Sure enough, a new category now showed up on Dick’s status screen:
Home Additions
[Cabin: Living Room] — 9,995 Buttcoin
[Cabin: Bedroom Room] — 4,995 Buttcoin
[Cabin: Kitchen] — 14,995 Buttcoin
[Cabin: Underground BDSM Torture chamber] — 15 Buttcoin
[Cabin: Game Room] — 13,995 Buttcoin
[Cabin: Upgrade: Stone Age Quastle] — 129,995 Buttcoin
[Cabin: Upgrade: Midcentury Modern Villa] — 669,995 Buttcoin
[Cabin: Upgrade: Flying Island] — 1,999,995 Buttcoin
Dick ignored those stupid upgrades. In his own words, “Damn money grubbin’ bastards!”
The current size suited him just fine. The harder decision was the environment. While the Lava Hellscape sounded quite comfortable, he doubted Butch could run around easily with magma everywhere.
He opted for the [Golden Fields] and added a [Small Forest] and a [Pond] nearby.
All of a sudden, the white expanse disappeared, replaced by a beautiful field full of golden reeds, bordering a small copse of pine trees that surrounded a crystal-clear body of water.
Butch immediately reverted to his original size and bounded about, leaving a trail of destroyed reeds in his wake.
“Gotta say,” Dick said. “Life is good (ft Drake and Future). There’s only one thing that would make it better.”
“Let me guess… guns?”
“Wrong. Trucks. Pickup trucks.”