“So, Dick? I know personalizing one’s home is a sensitive topic, but uh, when are you planning on furnishing yours?”
Dick stood in his basic cabin while tiny Butch ran around the grasslands outside. For the first time, he realized the space had no amenities. In fact, it had absolutely nothing in it.
“Damn. There’s nothing in here! Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Erm… are you really saying that? Like, a single glance would tell you you’re standing in an empty room.”
“That’s what they want you to think. But I know better, Greg. You can’t fool me with this gestapo crap. I know my rights. want my phone call.”
“Okaaaaay Neo.”
“My name is Mr. Anderson!”
“Right. So anyway, do you wanna furnish your home or not?”
“I just said I do! Open ‘er up!”
“You got it! Open Sesame Seed!” Greg said, shooting red lasers from his eyes, which projected the options menu.
Home Additions
[Cabin: Sofa: Made in China] — 1 Buttcoin
[Cabin: Bathroom: Made in China] — 1 Buttcoin
[Cabin: Kitchen: Made in China] — 1 Buttcoin
[Cabin: Underground BDSM Torture chamber] — 15 Buttcoin
[Cabin: Bedroom Room] — 4,995 Buttcoin
[Cabin: Bathroom: PROUDLY MADE IN THE USA] — 1,776 Buttcoin
[Cabin: Living Room] — 9,995 Buttcoin
[Cabin: Game Room] — 13,995 Buttcoin
[Cabin: Sofa: PROUDLY MADE IN THE USA] — 17,760 Buttcoin
[Cabin: Kitchen: PROUDLY MADE IN THE USA] — 74,000 Buttcoin
[Cabin: Upgrade: Stone Age Quastle] — 129,995 Buttcoin
[Cabin: Upgrade: Midcentury Modern Villa] — 669,995 Buttcoin
[Cabin: Upgrade: Flying Island] — 1,999,995 Buttcoin
[Cabin: Upgrade: American Hunting Lodge Theme] — 7,400,000 Buttcoin
Landscape
[Golden Fields] — 35,995 Buttcoin
[Arctic Tundra] — 44,995 Buttcoin
[Lava Hellscape] — 54,995 Buttcoin
Add Ons
[Shed] — 14,995 Buttcoin
You could be reading stolen content. Head to the original site for the genuine story.
[Stable] — 39,995 Buttcoin
[Well] — 250,995 Buttcoin
Pickup Trucks
[Pickup Truck, Made in China] — 1 Buttcoin
[Pickup Truck, PROUDLY MADE IN THE USA] — 1,776,000 Buttcoin
“Man, those PROUDLY MADE IN THE USA options are really expensive,” Greg said. “Are they really that much better?”
“Is that even a question? They’re PROUDLY MADE IN THE USA.”
“Okay, but what’s actually better about them?”
Dick cleared his throat. “Well, for one, the United States has superior quality control. This, along with labor rights and workers’ protections drives up the cost. Couple that with the purchasing power advantage developing nations like China have against the US, and the dollar simply doesn’t buy as much as the Yuan.”
Greg gaped in shock. “D-did you just give me an accurate, concise explanation for why—”
“Nah, I’m just shittin’ with you. Some moron on TV said that, but we all know the real reason PROUDLY MADE IN THE USA’s so expensive is cuz America’s #1. It’s the best.”
Greg sighed in relief. “Thank god. I thought the world was coming to an end.”
God popped his head in. “First, you’re welcome. Second, nope! That’s in two weeks!”
“L,” Greg replied wisely.
Dick ignored the stupid conversation, instead, taking a gander at the home improvement options. There were more options now, but as always, he lacked the money. Though his Dicksciples had grown stronger by the day, improving their cultivation, it still wasn’t enough. No longer did they simply shove burgers down peoples’ throats; they’d come to learn the value of debt. Namely, forcing people into unreasonable loans, then threatening to kill them if they didn’t pay up. Part of [Little Dick Formation] was understanding Abraham Lincoln’s slogan: Why steal but once, when you can steal many times?
It was a time-honored tradition, and a noble practice all major American companies employed. The reputable ones, anyway.
“Shit. I’m short.”
Built droF Tough came with a price. In fact, it was the price of Freedom. 1,776,000 Buttcoin. And unfortunately, Dick only had 1,775,999.
It was an insurmountable gap. He was so close, yet so far.
“You could just wait another few hours? I’m sure one of your Dicksciples will dump their buttcoin soon enough,” Greg, ever the voice of stupidity, said.
“That’s the dumbest idea I’ve heard all day, and believe me, I haven’t heard a single other idea all day.”
Greg stared at Dick. “Doesn’t that also mean it’s the smartest idea you’ve heard all day?”
“No, I take it back. You remember that guy who patented the term ‘System Apocalypse’ and got hated on by literally everyone when he prosecuted up-and-coming authors for infringing his copyright?”
“Wao Tong?”
“Yeah, her. That is the dumbest idea I’ve heard all day.”
“That was yesterday.”
“So? I live my life a quarter-mile at a time. Like Vin Gasoline, from the Avengers.”
“...”
“...”
“ANYWAY, what are you gonna buy with all that money?”
“Well for starters, we need a well. It’s unamerican to not have your own well.”
“It is?”
“No, I just made that up.”
“Right. What else?”
“Need a kitchen, a bathroom, and a bed. Gonna need something to eat, too, but I got that covered,” Dick said, pulling his burger stand out of his back pocket.
Congratulations! You have purchased a [Bathroom: PROUDLY MADE IN THE USA]. Now you can shit on the commies in peace!
Congratulations! You have purchased a [Kitchen: PROUDLY MADE IN THE USA]. Happy cooking!
Congratulations! You have purchased a [Bed: PROUDLY MADE IN THE USA]. SWEET DREAMS MOTHERFUCKAS!
Congratulations! You have purchased a [Well: PROUDLY MADE IN THE USA]]. Drink the tears of OPEC.
The additions popped up one by one
“Uh, Dick? I think you just bought an oil well.”
“A1exand0r _da_Gr8-1337 once said, ‘When life gives your country nearly unlimited oil reserves… make gas.”