The days passed and Dick’s reputation soared, causing his cult of Dicksciples to grow ever girthier. Which was boring AF for the already-bored God. So God concocted a devilish plan.
“Just hear me out, alright?” God said. For this clandestine meeting, he’d summoned Gegorix Gregarious Gregorio to his personal gamer’s pad. Every console dating back to the original Gintendo was on display, connected to TV’s of various ages.
“Oh, but wait. I gotta - DANGIT! SPUN OUT ON A BANANA PEEL AGAIN!”
“I’ve always wondered, but why do you keep those old things around? Why not use those bigass monitors you have there?”
God blinked at Greg. “I’m disappointed, Greg. Thought you were a 1337 gamer.”
“I am. But not those old ass games. Only boomers like you play those.”
“Well if you’ve never played an old game, you won’t understand the absolute ridiculous difficulty in getting an old system to run on new gear. Like, new monitors don’t come with composite video. It’s all HDMI these days!”
“Uh, huh. Whatever, boomer. So? What did you want? Pogdaddy like me ain’t got all day.”
“Alright, so you know how Dick always picks the dumbest option whenever he’s given a choice, right?”
“Yeah. It’s infuriating, honestly. And yet, he somehow manages to do better than the logical option.”
“Yeah but that’s no fun for me.. So I’ve got a plan. See, Dick’s one of those people who hates it when you tell him to do something. So I’m gonna tell him to absolutely not do anything.”
Greg tapped his starry chin. “Reverse psychology, huh? That might just work!”
“Yeah, so you run along back to him, and wait. When he gets my next quest, do everything in your power to convince him not to take it. Just watch. This shit’s gonna work like magic.”
Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit.
“He he he,” Greg laughed evilly.
“He he he,” God laughed equally as evilly.
“HA HA HA HA.”
“HA HA HA HA HA.”
“BWAHAHAHAHA!”
“GAAAAAHAHAHAHA!”
----------------------------------------
“Patriarch Dick,” a student of the Cult of the [Deep Fried Dead], aka a Dicksciple, said, prostrating in front of Dick’s throne.
“Speak,” Dick said magnanimously.
“This one wishes to rise above the other Dicksciples. Stuffing burgers down peoples’ throats or eviscerating their intestines when they refuse to fork over their money is simply not enough! I wish to earn more for our great cause!”
“Hmm,” Dick said, thinking it over. “Then I will teach you my advanced cultivation technique. Know that this technique is near and dear to my heart, and I do not give it lightly.”
The Dicksciple gulped. “Anything for the grand sage Patriarch!”
‘Umu. It is known as an izonp scheme. You must bring people into the Sect with the promise of great cultivation. But to receive these benefits, they must recruit… four more people.”
While Dick was hardly capable of coming up with such elaborate plans, with Greg whispering what to say into his ear, he was infallible.
“Ohhh! This is… incredible, Patriarch. Will you grant me this great cultivation technique as well?”
“Yes. Once you recruit four more people. Oh, and they have to donate all their money as well. If they don’t…”
“Yes Patriarch, of course. It is the foundation of the Nascent Patty stage—those who refuse receive Dick Burgers. If they refuse to join after that, I shall shove the burger down their throat and take their money.”
“Mmmm. Yes. Very wise,” Dick replied sagely.
The disciple thanked Dick profusely before running away, giggling like a maniac.
“Y’know, I really don’t want to ask, and I’m pretty sure I’ll regret it as soon as I do, but what’s the technique for getting to Heavenly Dick Ascension?”
Dick nodded sagely. “To ascend to Heavenly Dick Ascension, one must learn to hear Victoria’s Secret.
“... You’re just after porn, aren’t you?”
“... Was it that obvious?”
Skill [Boarseshitting] has leveled up! [Boarseshitting] lvl 6. + 74 EXP