“What the fuck’s a class elongation?” Dick asked, perplexed. “Middle Class American… Man?”
“No, Dick,” Greg explained. “It’s like an upgrade for your class, but it usually adds something that wasn’t there with your class to begin with. C’mon, bring up your status scree—”
“STATUUUUUUUUUS! COME FORTH FROM THE HELLISH ABYSS OF ADS AND POPUPS IN WHICH YOU LURK!”
Heeding the genuine earnest desire in Dick’s call, the Status pop up manifested in front of him. It was so large, it dominated his entire vision, causing him to fall on his ass.
Greg promptly laser eyed the blue screen, turning it red. “By our powers combined, we form… Captain… uh, Riker!”
Class Elongation Options
Classes available to elongate: [Middle Class American]
Elongatory Options:
[Unemployed for ten years and Living with Crushing Student Debt]: Literally every single Middle Class American has student debt. Even the ones who never went to school. Because the [Sleazebag Politicians] said so. Some pay it off. You never did. Congratu-fucking-lations, patriot!
Effects: Everything costs 500% more. Because interest’s a bitch. Studliness +5. Because everyone loves a sob story.
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[Health Issues and No Healthcare]: You’ve got health problems. Big ones. The kind that kills you slowly and miserably. Is that really a surprise, Dick? Well it shouldn’t be. Neither should be the fact that you have no healthcare. Because really, who tf can afford healthcare?
Effects: Physicality -2. HP -100. Because you’re a walking corpse. All enemies are 30 levels lower than normal. Because you’re a man with nothing to lose. And that makes you strong. Which is like, the same thing as making everyone else weak. Right? Relativity’s a bitch.
[Burned Out Trucker]: Years of being alone on the road working 16 hour days even though the law says you can’t work more than 14. You’re angry and you’re done.
Effects: +1 Bignosity. The world has wronged you. You’re gonna wrong them back. -1 Physicality. Sitting in a truck for 16 hours a day isn’t gonna win you any bodybuilding awards. -3 Studliness. Yeah…
[Sleazebag Politician]: With approval ratings this low, it’s a wonder no one’s lynched you yet. You’d be unemployed trash in any other industry, but in this one? You’re doing just fine.
Effects: Everyone hates you. [MAX] Studliness. Because even though everyone hates you, you somehow manage to win literally every argument. Go figure. -5 Bignosity. Lol.
[Johnny Cash]: Because despite all its faults, America still gave the world a god among men.
Effects: [MAX] Studliness. [MAX] Bignosity. [MAX] Danciness.
After carefully deliberating his options for all of three seconds, Dick made his decision.
“You think he’s gonna do it?” God whispered.
“He’s made a stupid decision literally every single time he’s had a choice. I think he’s gonna do it.”
God and Greg alike held their breaths in anticipation of his choice.
“I choose: ”