“So, uh… what are the other stages of cultivation, Dick?” Greg asked. “I gotta say, for someone who didn’t even know what a sect was, you’re settling into your cliche Patriarch role quite well.”
“Why thank you, Greg. Always been a dream of mine.”
“That’s uh… that’s impossible, Dick. You didn’t even know what xianxia was until I forced you to read all those shitty webnovels.”
“How do you even say that, anyway?”
“Zee Ann Zee Uh. and don’t you forget it!”
“Sure, whatever. So, the first stage is Nascent Patty,” Dick said, smoothly ignoring his floating five-pointed friend. “Came up with it while I was sitting on the toilet, actually. After that, we’ve got Little Dick Formation. That’s the important one. Big Dick’s gotta start from somewhere, yeah? That’s how I got that idea. Then it’s Based [Boarse] Burger and Big Dick Formation. And then, once you’ve mastered all that, you get to Heavenly Dick Ascension.”
“Oh yeah? How long did it take you to come up with that?” asked Greg.
“Hmm. About five minutes?”
“Figures. And where are you on this scale, oh great Patriarch Dick of the Sect of the [Deep Fried Dead]? Wait, wait, lemme guess. You’re at Heavenly Dick Ascension? Of course you are. What egocentric Patriarch isn’t at the very apex of their cultivation?”
“The fuck you on about, boy? I just told you I made that shit up. Why would I use such a dumbass scale?”
Greg sighed. “Nevermind. I feel stupid for even asking.”
The two walked in silence through the town as Dick’s disciples—who called themselves Dicksciples—dedicated themselves to their cultivation.
“Do you want this [Boarse]burger?” a Dicksciple said, facing down a man who’d been going about his business. “Or should I double it and give it to the next person?”
Beside him, another Dicksiple rushed up to a woman and stared her in the eyes. “Do you want this [Boarse]burger?” he said. “Or should I double it and give it to the next person?”
The woman chose wisely. She accepted the [Boarse]burger.
The man was not so lucky. “I think I’ll pass,” he said.
“Mmmm, no, very unwise,” the Dicksciple replied as he shoved the [Boarse]burger down the man’s throat. As the man choked to death, the Dicksciple stole all his money.
“Are you just gonna let that slide?” Greg asked as Dick walked by.
Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.
“Hell no! What kinda scoundrel do you think I am? I have principles, dammit!”
Greg stopped in midair, shocked at Dick’s moral backbone.
Dick walked up to the Dicksciple, who offered the buttcoin he’d stolen off the man. “For the Patriarch!”
Dick hesitated, then collected the buttcoin with a sagely nod. “Continue to devote yourself to the path of the [Deep Fried Dead] and you shall attain Nascent Burger.”
“Thank you, Patriarch Dick!” The Dicksciple said as tears flowed down his cheeks. “Thank you!”
Dick nodded and walked away, pocketing the money.
“Uh, Dick? Weren’t you gonna stop that? Like… I’m pretty sure that man over there just died.”
“This is the way. I’m American. Money is my religion. And there is nothing money can’t buy,” Dick said, proudly.
“Mmmm, yes, very wise,” Greg replied.
Name: Richard ‘Big Dick’ Hansen
Number Go Up: 27
Class: [Middle Class American]
EXP: 10020/10679
HP: 230/230
MP: 11/11
Tittles:
[Boarslayer I]. You are the bane of the [Boarse]. +5% damage against Boarsii.
[Slime Stomper I]. Slimes everywhere fear your boots. +5% damage to slimes when stomped underfoot. Go get ‘em, tiger!
[Frickenbane I]. Frikkin [Fricken] flee from your onslaught. You are [Frickenbane], bane of the [Fricken]. +10% damage against Frickenese. +50 EXP.
Status Effects: None
Stats:
Bignosity: 6 — Hulk SMASH.
Brain: 2 — You ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed, Dick. But that’s okay. The world needs its share of dumbasses.
Danciness: 1 — You’re about as agile as a turd. No surprise there. I mean, you literally died to a tree.
Physicality: 3 — You’re big, sure. But a lifetime of burgers and fries has left your arteries clogged and diabetes at your doorstep. It’s a miracle you don’t have cancer.
Magic: 1 — You fucking suck. Give up before you embarrass yourself.
Studliness: 7 — The ladies swoon. The men, too.
Skills:
[Boarseshitting]: 4 — Pulling shit out of your ass comes as naturally as a [Boarse] with diarrhea. +4% chance to make people think you know what you’re talking about.
[Cooking]: 3 ([Middle Class American]: +50*) — Cook shit. Good shit. +530% to cooking prep speed. +530% to taste. (But only when cooking food that gives you cancer, heart disease, and diabetes.)
[Knife Carving]: 4 — Carve stuff. With knives. +4% quality to objects carved with knives. +4% knife carving speed.
[Pitfall Trap Making]: 2 — Make your enemies fall to their deaths. In spectacular fashion. +2% trap deadliness. +2% trap setting speed.
[Stomp]: 13 — Foes fall beneath your heels. You are the Gompstomper, and stomping is what you do. +1.3% damage to enemies dispatched via stomping.
[Teaching]: 4 — Who ever thought an idiot like you could teach people. The world sure is a strange place. +4% student knowledge retention.
[Walking]: 4 — Turns out everything’s a skill in this world. Even walking. +4% movement speed while walking.