“Alright, Dick. We’ve come all this way, might as well use that 3x exp multiplier. It’s about time!” Greg said, his eyes filled with stars.
“Too bad the 3x exp multiplier event just ended,” a plucky adventurer said as he walked out of the dungeon entrance. “Really could’ve used more kills.”
“Be happy with what you’ve got,” a grumpy old beggar said from the wayside. “I used to be an adventurer like you, but then I took an arrow to the knee.”
“Really!? Me too!” another middle aged man with a peg leg exclaimed.
“No way! I as well!” A balding man said.
“Where are all these people coming from?” asked Greg. “No, but wait! The 3x multiplier! It’s gone! Nooooooooo! Why, God! Why would you do this to us?”
“Time brakes for no one.”
“This is your fault, you know?” Greg said, pointing his finger at Dick while shaking. Like that meme monkey that was popular a few years ago.
“Greg, details don’t matter. Don’t believe me? Just ask Albert Feinstein.”
“Yeah? Who’s that?”
“The fuck am I supposed to know?”
“Right. Brain stat 2. Figures. Well, Mr. caveman, I suppose we ought to make the best of this situation. We should take our time to carefully prepare. Maybe ask the adventurers coming out what kinds of monsters we might enc—hey! Where are you going?”
“Fortune favors the bold. It’s now or never,” Dick replied, forging ahead into the cave entrance that led to the dungeon.
“Uh, actually, there’s no reason to rush. Like, at all. Mind explaining that a bit more?”
“Greg, there comes a time in a man’s life when he realizes what he’d known all along, but never could articulate it.”
“Um, okay? So you had some sort of epiphany?”
Dick grinned. “Got a good feelin’ about this one.”
“Right. Sure. Welp, I suppose watching you die miserably would make for some good entertainment.”
A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.
Confident in his assessment, Greg followed Dick, waiting to see what calamity might befall him.
Yet as they plumbed the dungeon’s depths, clearing floors and descending to the lowest levels of the dungeon, Greg suspected something was awry.
“There are no monsters. Whyyyy are there no monsters??” Greg asked, growing suspicious.
“Told ya. It’s cuz I waited ‘till those fighting-types killed ‘em off, y’see? Smart,” Dick replied, tapping his head.
“No, Dick. It doesn’t work like that. The monsters respawn. And pretty quickly too. There’s something amiss, here.”
As if on cue, God suddenly appeared.
“Hey Dick! How’s it crackin’, brother?” said God.
“Oh, hangin’ in there.”
“Based,” said god.
“Been tough walking all this way down this jail thing, but y’know. A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.”
“Supremely Based. Say, Dick, I got rid of all the monsters in here for ya, so you mind giving me another one of those burgers of yours?”
“Sorry, god. Gotta be more specific. You hankering for a Double Dicker? Or a Half Pounder McDick?”
“Hmm. What’d I have last time?”
“The Double Dicker.”
“Alright, then I’ll try the Half Pounder McDick. With fries.”
“You got it, god. One Half Pounder Heavenly McDick with a side of EXTRA BIGASS FRIES. Comin’ right up.”
“Wait, did you just randomly add ‘Heavenly’ to its name?”
Smoothly ignoring his five-pointed friend, Dick retried his chef’s apron and his cooking stall from his inventory and got to work, sizzling [Boarse] and [Fricken] meat, combining them into a delectable, decadent dish.
“Uh, Dick? You do realize we’re in the middle of a dungeon, yeah? Aren’t you a little worried about, oh I dunno, monsters showing up thanks to the scent?”
“Relax, Greg. God’s here!”
“Eyoo!” God said, raising a hand from his Mindendo BS, which he was currently playing. He’d brought out his signature recliner, made with the supple golden flesh of Greg’s predecessors. “Why tf do they make these games so goddamn hard, anyway? Fucking masochists.”
Greg sulked. “I’m surrounded by morons.”
Before long, Dick’s meat was ready, and as an added benefit, his [Cooking] level increased as well!
Skill [Cooking] has leveled up! [Cooking] lvl 4 (+50 — [Middle Class American]). + 4230 EXP
“FUCK YEAH NUMBER GO UP” Dick roared.
“Can I get a HELLLL YEAAAAH?” God roared back, making the metal sign with his hands.
“HEEEELLL YEAAAAAH MUTHA FUCKAS!” Dick replied eloquently.
“Yep. I’m surrounded by morons.”