Quest!

Quest Giver: Totally not god.

Reward: That [Falling Tortoise] you always wanted.

Description: Do not kill the [Demon Lord]. Whatever you do, do NOT kill the [Demon Lord]. In fact, stay away from her at all cost. That’s literally all you have to do to—

“Fucking popup,” Dick said, dismissing the window.

“No, wait! Dick, I think you’ll really like this quest. Trust me, I'm an expert!”

“You want me to trust an ad? Look, it’s even blue! What kinda moronic ad is blue?”

“Well, hear me out, Dick. Most ads are awful, right? Full of random things like baby wipes and vacuum cleaners no one wants.”

“Or those truck tires I just bought, but keep getting ads for.”

“Oh, yeah. Those are the worst. Like, they have your social security number, your address, and can tell a woman’s pregnant before she can. Why can’t they know you’ve already bought the thing?”

“Right? Fuckin' commies.”

“Totally,” Greg replied. “Wait! That wasn’t what we were talking about! Your attempts to change the topic of the conversation have no effect on me!”

“Look, a Gregist!” Dick said, pointing to a guy with a six-pointed spiky hairdo.

“No. Not them! The number of points on their hairdo tells you which branch of the sect they belong to.”

“But you’re five-pointed. Why do they worship a six pointed star?”

“It… was my predecessor,” Greg said, hanging his head in shame. “He was six-pointed.”

“What happened to him?”

“He found a book called a Death Note. Anyone’s name he wrote in that book would die, but he found a different use for it. Turns out he could do much, much more than that. If, within thirty seconds of writing their name, he wrote their new hairdo, it’d actually happen. Their hair would spontaneously transform.”

The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.

“So he changed peoples’ hairstyles?”

“Yeah. Tried to redo everyone’s hairdo to six pointed spikes. It… kinda consumed him.”

“Sad,” Dick said with a grim expression.

“Truly was. In the end, God gave him an L and ended him. Mood.”

“So that’s why there are six-pointed hairdo people in the world now?”

“Right. And they worship the old me. The wrong me. It’s a travesty! An injustice!”

Dick grinned. “You know what this means, right?”

“What?”

“You just gotta turn all those six-pointed people into five-pointed people.”

“That… is the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me!” Greg replied, wiping tears from his eyes with his oversized cartoon hands.

“Eh, don’t take it too seriously. I mainly said all that to distract you from the point you were originally trying to make.”

“Son of a—Wait… what we talking about earlier?”

“Mission accomplished,” Dick said, crossing his arms and nodding in satisfaction.

You have acquired the Skill [Silver tung]: Your smoothtalking skills are unparalleled. You have obtained an ability most people covet, but few ever achieve. Your ability to deceive people with your stupidity calls for its own special skill, even if it’s really just [Boarseshitting] in disguise.

“I feel like I’ve been duped, but for the life of me, I really can’t remember what we were just talking about!” Greg said, clutching his starry head.

“DAMMIT GREG, YOU HAD ONE JOB,” God roared, poking a head out of his portal. “The quest, man! You were talking about the quest!”

“Ohhhh, right. Dick! You should accept the quest. You literally don’t have to do anything, and you’ll get that [Falling Tortoise] you wanted!

“If it sounds too good to be true… it probably is.”

Both god and Greg froze in shock.

“D-did you actually just say a quote without butchering it? Is the world gonna end?” Greg asked.

“I think it very well might,” God replied.

Dick frowned. “Got no idea what you’re on about. Charles Ponzi said it, and there ain’t a soul alive as honest as him.”

“Charles Ponzi. Like, the guy who invented the Ponzi scheme?”

“Good man, may his soul rest in peace.”

Skill [Silver Tung] has leveled up! [Silver Tung lvl 2. +63 EXP.

Skill [Silver Tung] has leveled up! [Silver Tung lvl 3. +68 EXP.

Skill [Silver Tung] has leveled up! [Silver Tung lvl 4. +74 EXP.

Skill [Silver Tung] has leveled up! [Silver Tung lvl 5. +80 EXP.

Skill [Silver Tung] has leveled up! [Silver Tung lvl 6. +87 EXP.

Congratulations! You have Number Go Up’d! Welcome to Number Go Up: 34