Dick approached Mr. Least’s castle once Greg had recovered from his aneurysm. He claimed that the stupidity of the exchange in the previous chapter triggered it, but Dick didn’t understand what he was talking about. He chalked it up to more of Greg’s insane antics.
“That stunt you pulled against SilverTung isn’t gonna work against Mr. Least,” Greg said. “He’s a terrible person! Burned down a billion trees! He took sight away from a million children!”
“Every criminal worth his salt does that. What makes this guy any worse?”
“Well, you see… he doesn’t tip. Ever.”
Dick tasted blood in his mouth.
“And there’s more. He’s one of those assholes who talks at the theater.”
A vein popped on Dick’s forehead. “I’m ordinarily a pacifist, but I’ll make an exception. This man needs to die.”
Greg nodded sagely. “We oughta send him to that special place in hell they reserve for people like him.”
“What’s his NGU?”
“Nobody knows,” Greg whispered. “But it’s safe to say he’s quite a bit higher than you. You gotta play this safe. We have to make a plan before we—”
“Oi, you bigoted sum’bitch! Git yer theater-talkin’ ass out here!” Dick shouted, his voice carrying into every corner of the castle. He stood proudly with his hands on his hips, defiantly challenging the lord of the [castle].
Meanwhile, Greg counted the days until he’d die. Not from a physical attack, but from brain damage.
Mr. Least cut a menacing appearance. From within the depths of his gilded hall, he strode out, covered in Buttcoin. But Mr. Least was no ordinary person. He was Ferongi.
Mr. Least opened his arms wide. “Freddy vs Jason… at Tenagra.”
“Uhh…” Greg said, perplexed. “Do you have any idea what that means?”
“The Rock, when the walls fell!” Dick bellowed back immediately.
Mr. Least pondered heavily for a moment.
“Philip J Fry. His eyes squinted.”
Dick continued, unfazed. “Freddy vs Jason. ON THE OCEAN!”
Mr. Least shook his head. “Troy Barnes, returning with pizzas. His face fallen.”
“God! God, come help!” Greg shouted. On cue, God poked his head out of his godly domain, filled with empty dorito bags, coke cans, and snickers wrappers. “What up, G?”
“You’re god. You know everything, right? Explain this.”
God listened in on the conversation.
“Dick, his arms wide,” Dick said, spreading his arms wide.
“Mr. Least, his eyes open!”
Dick’s face lit up. “Leonardo DiCaprio, his glass raised!”
“Damn,” God muttered. “Well played. You sure his Brain stat’s only at 2? That was some of the best negotiating I’ve seen since well before you were born!”
Greg blinked, unamused. “You can’t possibly mean they had a real conversation.”
“Oh in fact, I do,” said God, eyeing Dick with respect.
The author's content has been appropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.
“Okay, I’ll bite. What’d they say?”
“Well, It got off to a bumpy start, with Dick calling Mr. Least out for his heinous crime of talking at the theater. Mr. Least accepted the error in his ways, then flipped the tables on Dick, proposing he come work for him. Dick refused, but came back with a counter proposal. One that would be beneficial to both parties. They went back and forth for a bit, but eventually, Mr. Least agreed.”
“Oh yeah? What’s the deal?”
Dick cleared his throat. “I’m gonna supply him arms in his fight against Silvertung. I can make a killing that way. Maybe even enough to afford my truck!”
“There’s more to it than that, isn’t there?” God asked.
“Well, of course. I ain’t helping anyone who doesn’t tip at the theater. I’m gonna give Silvertung the same offer.”
“So you’re gonna be one of those horrible arms dealers who pretends to be loyal to a country, but supplies both sides in a war?”
Dick frowned, confused. “Is there any other kind?”
“Huh,” Greg said. “Guess not!”
Dick nodded, then fell over when his status screen popped up, dominating his entire field of vision.
Skill [Silvertung] has leveled up! [Silvertung] lvl 13. + 130 EXP
Skill [Silvertung] has leveled up! [Silvertung] lvl 14. + 141 EXP
Skill [Silvertung] has leveled up! [Silvertung] lvl 15. + 153 EXP
Skill [Silvertung] has leveled up! [Silvertung] lvl 16. + 166 EXP
Skill [Silvertung] has leveled up! [Silvertung] lvl 17. + 180 EXP
Skill [Silvertung] has leveled up! [Silvertung] lvl 18. + 196 EXP
Skill [Silvertung] has leveled up! [Silvertung] lvl 19. + 213 EXP
Skill [Silvertung] has leveled up! [Silvertung] lvl 20. + 232 EXP
Skill [Silvertung] has leveled up! [Silvertung] lvl 21. + 252 EXP
Congratulations! You have Number Go Up’d! Welcome to Number Go Up: 36.
Name: Richard ‘Big Dick’ Hansen
Number Go Up: 36
Class: [Middle Class American]
EXP: 21789/23909
HP: 353/353
MP: 12/12
Tittles:
[Boarselayer I]. You are the bane of the [Boarse]. +5% damage against Boarsii.
[Slime Stomper I]. Slimes everywhere fear your boots. +5% damage to slimes when stomped underfoot. Go get ‘em, tiger!
[Frickenbane I]. Frikkin [Fricken] flee from your onslaught. You are [Frickenbane], bane of the [Fricken]. +10% damage against Frickenese. +50 EXP.
Status Effects: None
Stats:
Bignosity: 6 — Hulk SMASH.
Brain: 2 — You ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed, Dick. But that’s okay. The world needs its share of fucking idiots.
Danciness: 1 — You’re about as agile as a turd. No surprise there. I mean, you literally died to a tree.
Physicality: 3 — You’re big, sure. But a lifetime of burgers and fries has left your arteries clogged and diabetes at your doorstep. It’s a miracle you don’t have cancer.
Magic: 1 — You fucking suck. Give up before you embarrass yourself.
Studliness: 7 — The ladies swoon. The men, too.
Skills:
[Boarseshitting]: 5 — Pulling shit out of your ass comes as naturally as a Boarse with diarrhea. +5% chance of making people think you know what you’re talking about.
[Cooking]: 5 ([Middle Class American]: +50*) — Cook shit. Good shit. +530% to cooking prep speed. +530% to taste. (But only when cooking food that gives you cancer, heart disease, and diabetes.)
[Knife Carving]: 4 — Carve stuff. With knives. +4% quality to objects carved with knives. +4% knife carving speed.
[Pitfall Trap Making]: 2 — Make your enemies fall to their deaths. In spectacular fashion. +2% trap deadliness. +2% trap setting speed.
[Stomp]: 13 — Foes fall beneath your heels. You are the Gompstomper, and stomping is what you do. +1.3% damage to enemies dispatched via stomping.
[Teaching]: 7 — Who ever thought an idiot like you could teach people. The world sure is a strange place. +7% student knowledge retention.
[Walking]: 6 — Turns out everything’s a skill in this world. Even walking. +6% movement speed while walking.
[Punching]: 1 — Some people slice their way to victory, but you prefer a weapon from a more civilized age. +1% punch damage.
[One Punching]: [Saitama] 1 — The art of destroying your enemies with one punch. +1% punch damage on the opening punch of a fight.
[Silver tung]: 22 — Your smoothtalking skills are unparalleled. You have obtained an ability most people covet, but few ever achieve. Your ability to deceive people with your stupidity calls for its own special skill, even if it’s really just [Boarseshitting] in disguise.