Quest! Save the town!
A horde of monsters swarms the town of Burger! Save the town!
Recommended Number Go Up: 25 — 35
Difficulty: Hard
Rewards: [Rare] Item x1, [Uncommon] Item x2
Bonus: Shake Hands with God. Maybe give him a burger while you’re at it. Wink wink.
Quest Giver: Gigachad. Aka God
“Awright! A quest! This is great, Dick! We don’t even have to go anywhere! We can just rack up EXP right here! And get some juicy rewards. Life doesn’t get much better than this?”
“Where the fuck is my adblocker?” Dick replied in an irritated voice, thumbing through his status screens.
“Uh, Dick? That’s not an ad. That’s a quest.”
“It pops up. It tells me to do something. It’s an ad. Say, Greg? Your snazzy shop got an ad blocker, by any chance?”
“No, Dick. I’m afraid it does not.”
“Well, sheeit. AdBlock Plus was the best thing Snoop Dogg ever invented. How do people even live without that?”
“Dick? I feel like I’m going to regret asking, but… what do you plan to do?”
“What else? I’m going to that dungeon.”
Greg sighed. “Well, those people in town are probably all gonna die, but meh. Whatever.”
The two set off, bound for the generic dungeon from chapter four.
“So, who they got locked up down there?”
“Uh, Dick? Just to make sure… a dungeon isn’t a jail.”
“Well, obviously. They aren’t even called the same thing!”
“Okay good, just checking—”
“A dungeon’s a backward-ass jail. It’s what they used to call them back in the mid evil ages.”
“Uh, you mean medieval? But um, that’s not right, either, Dick. I told you before, a dungeon is a place monsters spawn.”
“Well yeah. Like criminals. And the French.”
“I’m afraid it’s just beasts. Like that [Boarse], but much meaner. And they respawn after a while.”
This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.
“Got it. Angry Frenchmen who come back from the dead. Dunno what the hullabaloo's all about. Just sound like normal Frenchmen to me.”
“NO! NO FRENCHMEN, DICK! They don't even exist in this world! You think one's just gonna randomly pop up?”
“Sure, why not?”
Skill [Walking] has leveled up! [Walking] lvl 5. +68 EXP.
“Ey, look! Number Go Up!”
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The dungeon was a bustling place, filled with plucky adventurers. Even here at the entrance, the occasional fell beast sometimes spawned, forcing everyone who ventured here to remain vigilant at all times.
Just then, a respawning angry [Frenchman] popped out of the ground and began hurling insults at Dick.
“Yeu don’t frighten us, you American pig dog! I fart in your general direction, you empty-headed animal food trough whopper!”
“Told you,” Dick said with a smug expression.
Greg merely gaped at the [Frenchman].
“Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!”
Adventurers all around them fell to the ground, clutching their ears and screaming in agony.
With his damage done, the [Frenchman] popped back into the ground, and there was peace once again.
“You weren’t kidding, Greg. Dungeon’s a scary place, alright.”
Name: Richard ‘Big Dick’ Hansen
Number Go Up: 28
Class: [Middle Class American]
EXP: 10825/11837
HP: 242/242
MP: 11/11
Tittles:
[Boarslayer I]. You are the bane of the [Boarse]. +5% damage against Boarsii.
[Slime Stomper I]. Slimes everywhere fear your boots. +5% damage to slimes when stomped underfoot. Go get ‘em, tiger!
[Frickenbane I]. Frikkin [Fricken] flee from your onslaught. You are [Frickenbane], bane of the [Fricken]. +10% damage against Frickenese. +50 EXP.
Status Effects: None
Stats:
Bignosity: 6 — Hulk SMASH.
Brain: 2 — You ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed, Dick. But that’s okay. The world needs its share of fucking idiots.
Danciness: 1 — You’re about as agile as a turd. No surprise there. I mean, you literally died to a tree.
Physicality: 3 — You’re big, sure. But a lifetime of burgers and fries has left your arteries clogged and diabetes at your doorstep. It’s a miracle you don’t have cancer.
Magic: 1 — You fucking suck. Give up before you embarrass yourself.
Studliness: 7 — The ladies swoon. The men, too.
Skills:
[Boarseshitting]: 4 — Pulling shit out of your ass comes as naturally as a Boarse with diarrhea. +1% chance of making people think you know what you’re talking about.
[Cooking]: 3 ([Middle Class American]: +50*) — Cook shit. Good shit. +530% to cooking prep speed. +530% to taste. (But only when cooking food that gives you cancer, heart disease, and diabetes.)
[Knife Carving]: 4 — Carve stuff. With knives. +4% quality to objects carved with knives. +4% knife carving speed.
[Pitfall Trap Making]: 2 — Make your enemies fall to their deaths. In spectacular fashion. +2% trap deadliness. +2% trap setting speed.
[Stomp]: 13 — Foes fall beneath your heels. You are the Gompstomper, and stomping is what you do. +1.3% damage to enemies dispatched via stomping.
[Teaching]: 4 — Who ever thought an idiot like you could teach people. The world sure is a strange place. +1% student knowledge retention.
[Walking]: 5 — Turns out everything’s a skill in this world. Even walking. +5% movement speed while walking.