“So, what does a Patriarch who has it all do next? Where will you go from here?” Greg asked, gesturing with his gloved cartoon hands. He floated around Patriarch Dick, who currently sat upon his throne of buttcoins. Literally. He’d amassed so much buttcoin that it carpeted his room.
“I find myself weary of this world, Greg. I long for companionship.”
“Hey! What about me? I’m your best bud! Your pal! Your choomba! Oh. Oh shit! Is this the start of the harem route? I gotta say, I didn’t expect this story to go that direction. Kinda cliche, if you ask me.”
“What about that dungeon you mentioned, Greg? What kinds of monsters are in there?”
“Oh, interested are you? About time! Hmmm. Well, it was listed as a ‘moderate’ danger dungeon, but that was back when you were Number Go Up 1. I don’t think we’ll find anything too dangerous. And if we’re lucky, that 3x EXP multiplier event might still be going on! As for monsters, all I know is the dungeon boss is a four-legged monstrosity called Butch.”
“Butch, huh? Good name. Alright. We’ll go tackle that dungeon.”
“But what about the Sect of the [Deep Fried Dead]? What about your Dicksciples?”
Dick gazed off into the distant with a melancholic expression. A lone tear fell down his cheek. “I have taught them everything I know. From now on, it’s up to them whether they live or die.”
“Uh, I don’t think anyone’s dying here, Dick. Well, apart from those poor souls your Dicksciples kill by shoving burgers down their throat. But whatever. Dungeon sounds fun, too. Hey! Tell you what! If we’re going dungeon diving, we shout kit out with some pog gear! You have the money now, and I have the shop!” Greg said, pointing to himself and twirling in midair.
“Alright, let’s see it then.”
“You got it, boss! Bring up your status screen.”
“STAAAAATUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUS” Dick roared.
“What the hell, Dick? I told you don’t have to scream it. Jesus, you sound like a shounen anime protagonist about to fight Vegeta.”
Greg twirled again and shot laser beams from his eyes onto Dick’s status screen.
“By our powers combined, we form… Captain Picard!”
Instantly, Dick’s overly large blue box turned gold. It now showed a list of items that could be purchased from Greg’s shop, and the list was impressive.
Food
[Ketchup] — 1 Buttcoin
[Mustard] — 1 Buttcoin
[Fries] — 5 Buttcoin
[Fricken Nuggets] — 5 Buttcoin
[Grilled Cheese Sandwich] — 7 Buttcoin
[Burger] — 10 Buttcoin
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Spells
[Fireball] — 1,495 Buttcoin
[Chain Lightning] — 3,195 Buttcoin
[Death By Falling Tortoise] — 39,995 Buttcoin
[Meteor Strike] — 144,995 Buttcoin
Weapons
[Sword] — 100 Buttcoin
[Shield] — 100 Buttcoin
[Nuclear Warhead] — 799,995 Buttcoin
[Nunchakus] — 7,999,995 Buttcoin
[Katana] — 9,999,995 Buttcoin
Armor
[Generic Medieval Armor] — 1,000 Buttcoin
[Level 4 Ceramic Composite Body Armor] — 1,000 Buttcoin
[Panda Kigurumi] — 99,995 Buttcoin
Shelters
[Portable House] — 54,995 Buttcoin
[Portable Castle] — 549,995 Buttcoin
[Flying Fortress] — 999,995 Buttcoin
[Camping Tent That’s Actually A Portal Into Your Own Personal Pocket Dimension But Only Has 1 HP] — 2,999,995 Buttcoin
Toys
[Greg] — 1 Buttcoin
[Condom] — 10 Buttcoin
[Virtual Irl Boyfriend] — 15 Buttcoin
[Virtual Irl Girlfriend] —15 Buttcoin
[Dildo] — 99 Buttcoin
[Vibrator] — 199 Buttcoin
[Inflatable Sex Doll] — 699 Buttcoin
[Anime Boy Huggy Pillow] — 999 Buttcoin
[Anime Girl Huggy Pillow] — 999 Buttcoin
[Virtual Anime Boyfriend] — 949,995 Buttcoin
[Virtual Anime Girlfriend] — 949,995 Buttcoin
“WHY AM I ONLY WORTH 1 BUTTOIN!? That’s less than a condom, for cryin’ out loud!” shouted Greg. “No wait! Why am I a sex toy!? This is star abuse! I want a lawyer.”
“Lawman says sex toys don’t get legal rights.”
“But what about inclusion! What about diversity!? Where’s the justice?”
“Man, that Katana sure looks nice,” Dick said, deftly ignoring Greg’s rant.
“Oh, phew. I thought for a second you were gonna pick the [Virtual Anime Girlfriend]. They’re definitely better than the irl girlfriend, because who tf wants that? But still, I feel like the [Nuclear Warhead] would be more useful… Wait. Wait wait wait wait WAIT! Whyyyyy is there a nuke on that list!? God! I know you’re listening! Do your job, fool! Stop messing this stuff up!”
“I thought you said this world didn’t have guns?”
“A NUKE IS NOT A GUN, DICK!”
“Do you shoot a nuke?” Dick asked.
“Uh, yes? I mean, you can? Depends on your delivery vehicle.”
“Then it’s a gun,” Dick said smugly.
“Huh. I guess you have a point. Anyway, the Katana’s actually a really great option, despite the hefty pricetag. Ever seen those anime where the protagonist cuts a nuke in half with their katana? It’s seriously impressive stuff. Those Chinese swordmakers really knew what they were doing back in the day. But can you afford it?”
Dick checked his inventory, but was dismayed to find he only had 2,999,995 Buttcoin. Still a significant sum, but nowhere near enough to purchase the fabled Chinese Katana.
But it was enough to buy a certain other thing.
Congratulations! You have purchased [Camping Tent That’s Actually A Portal Into Your Own Personal Pocket Dimension But Only Has 1 HP]!
“Always wanted my very own CTTAAPIYOPPDBOH1HP.”
“WHY IN GOD’S NAME, DICK? WHY IN GOD’S NAME DID YOU PICK THAT?”
“Chairman Mao always said that a man’s home is his castle,” Dick replied smugly.