“Don’t worry. Nothing could possibly go wrong,” Dick said as an enormous Christmas tree fell on him, killing him instantly.
----------------------------------------
“Welp, you died and I’m god,” said a bearded man.
Dick stood in an empty white space devoid of any features.
“You don’t say?”
“Your overconfidence got the better of you, Rick.”
“Boy, I’ve brought down over a thousand trees in my life. Ain’t no tree gonna fall on me. And nobody. NOBODY calls me Rick.”
“Okay then, Dick. And uh, I might have had something to do with that tree. Maybe. Possibly,” god said, staring at his fingernails. “Thing is, I got something I need you to do.”
“Yeah? What’s that?”
“So here’s the thing. You’ve got two options. Option A — you reincarnate as a nobody in the middle of nowhere. No destiny, no special powers. Just… you. Again. It’d be a boring-ass life, with nothing to look forward to. Worse. The world’s medieval, you see? No TV. No trucks. No deep fried chicken.”
“Sounds like ass.”
“True, but there’s a silver lining. The people of this world are kinda obsessed with Number Go Up. Some people from your world love that jazz. I’m not really into it myself, but whatever floats your boat, amirite?”
“The fuck are you on about?” Dick asked politely.
“It’s a world full of blue boxes, exp points, classes, and number go up. Y’know? The stuff of wet dreams.”
“Why do you keep saying that?”
“What?” God replied. “Number go up?”
“Yeah. Sounds fuckin’ stupid.”
“Well that’s because Number go up! What else would you call it?”
“I dunno,” Dick replied. “Ranking up? Leveling up?”
“Woa. Woa. And here I was wondering what you were gonna say. Cringepilled!”
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All of a sudden, uproarious laughter erupted from behind God. Dick checked, but found no one there.
Seeing Dick’s confusion, God showed him the big red button he’d just pressed. On it was the word ‘Applause.’
“I push the button and it laughs.”
“You do realize sitcom laughter hasn’t been in style for over a decade?” Dick asked, his expression judgemental.
“Seriously?” God asked.
“You’ve got some catching up to do.”
“Damn,” God replied sagely. “Well anyway, this is a world where numbers determine everything. The higher your Number Go Up stat, the more your self worth.”
“So, like money in any freedom-loving capitalist country?”
“Exactly. Y’know the best part?” God asked. “Option B has you starting at level 100.”
“What’s Option B?”
“Well, y’see, there’s this demon lord who needs killed. I’ll give you heroic powers. Make you a living demigod. You just need to take this asshole out, then you can live out your life as a king. Not a bad deal, eh?”
“Option A.”
“Dick, Dick, Dick, think about it. All the riches in the world at your fingertips! You’ll get to live large!”
“Yeah, fuck that. I ain’t going off on some harebrained goose chase to kill some strong-soundin’ dude. I’m just a tree farmer, man. Option A.”
“Wait!” God said as Dick began to dematerialize. “Think about it, Dick! This is your last chance! Don’t do something you’ll regret! Women! Fame! Riches! It could all be yours.”
Dick flashed god the middle finger, then disappeared.
“Wow, what a fucking dick,” said god. Raucous laughter erupted immediately, making him smile. “Outdated my ass.”
“I mean, you did just kill him to make him do your dirty work,” Sir Gregorio Gregarious Gregorix MXVIII said, popping into existence next to god. “That was pretty low, even for you.”
“I know, right?” god said, chuckling. “Whatever. There’s 7 billion more where he came from.”
His words were followed by disembodied hooting and laughing.
“Well, sure, but I think we oughta give him something.”
“Like what? [Rare] class? Boosted stats?A big [Dick]?”
Disembodied laughter rang out once again.
“Will you stop that!? It’s not funny if it’s fake, you know?”
“I dunno, it’s pretty funny to me,” said god.
“How about… sending me?” Sir Gregorio Gregarious Gregorix MXVIII said, pointing his oversized cartoon hand at himself.
“Sure, whatever,” god replied sagely. “Neeext.”
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Dick found himself in the middle of a plain surrounded by rolling hills. He was alone, except for the translucent jellies that bounced around him.
He tried stomping one.
A blue box popped up, dominating his vision, causing him to fall on his ass.
Congratulations! You have killed [Slime] lvl 1. +32 EXP.
“WHAT IN TARNATION!?”
“I thought you’d say that!” said a floating five pointed gold star with eyes and a mouth and cartoon hands.
“Who the hell are you?”
“Why, I am Sir Gregorio Gregarious Gregorix MXVIII of the clan McCloud, and I cannot die.”
“If you can’t die, what happened to the previous 1017 versions of you?”