“Dick. Let me just confirm something here,” said Greg, sweating profusely. “You saw the ‘But Only Has 1 HP’ disclaimer, yes?”
“Sure did.”
“Okay. And you still picked the tent. Why?”
“As I said. Always wanted a CTTAAPIYOPPDBOH1HP,” Dick said.
“Oh god. It’s worse than I thought. I’ve never seen anyone with a Brain stat of 2 before. Now I know why.”
Greg waited patiently for Dick to ask why.
“Aren’t you going to ask me why?”
“Nah. Say, how do I use this tent?”
“It’s because everyone with a low brain stat died before they became adults. That’s why! How are you even alive!?”
“Relax, Greg. It’ll all work out. Trust.”
“Listen, Dick. Yes, the tent is powerful. It lets you access your own personal universe. But the 1HP thing isn’t a joke! It literally breaks if someone sneezes on it! And the worst part? If you’re in your personal world when it does break down, you’re stuck there forever!”
“That so? But then, Joseph Stalin always said your home was your castle.”
“Didn’t you just say Chairman Mao said that?”
“Same person. Different names. Greg, sooner or later, you’ll learn that the commies are a hive mind. That’s what communism is—they link all their heads together so it doesn’t matter what you call ‘em. Anyway, ain’t no house of mine gonna blow over just like that. You’ll see.”
“I… well, y’know what? You’re the one who’s gonna get stuck there. If that happens, I just go back to God’s side and find some other hero to torment. I mean befriend. Yes.”
“HEAR MY CALL AND APPEAR BEFORE ME. INVEENNNNNNTOOOOOORYYYYYYYYYYY!” Dick shouted as loud as he possibly could.
“It’s not a summoning ritual! It’s just—alright, fine. Y’know what? Shout out system commands for all I care. I’m not even gonna correct you anymore.”
Dick’s summoning ritual was a success, and his inventory popped up in front of him. The inventory screen was so large, it prevented him from seeing anything else.
Dick selected the CTTAAPIYOPPDBOH1HP, which appeared on the ground right in front of him. It was a basic A frame style tent just barely big enough for one person.
“Just be careful, will you? You just plopped down 3 mil for that thing. With 1 HP, it’s gonna break soon, but you can extend its life by treating it gently.”
Dick opened the tent flap and wriggled in… but when half his body was inside, he disappeared.
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“Well, guess I oughta follow him…” Greg said, whooshing into the tent.
Dick found himself in a white empty space, much the same as when he’d met God.
In fact, it was the same place. And God was there too, playing Elden Ring on his PS5.
“The hell? What are you doing here?”
“Oh my god, it’s God!” Greg said. “Do I have some complaints for you! What are you thinking, allowing Dick to choose the [God] class? You trying to get yourself fired, or what?”
“I did that?” God said, reaching for the potato chips packet next to his seat. He hadn’t stopped playing his game.
“Yes you did! And you even added nukes to my item shop!”
“Dayum girl, I’m some hot stuff,” God replied. Laughter immediately erupted from all around them, prompting God to chuckle and Greg to sigh.
“Fancy seein’ you around these parts, God,” Dick said.
“What? Wait. Can you hang on a minute? I’m trying to kill this boss. It’s my 10,000th playthrough and I still can’t beat this guy. Why’d these people make this game so hard, anyway?”
“It’s because your build sucks, God,” said Greg, shaking his starry head. “Ugh, boomers are so cringe.”
“AW FUCK I DIED,” God roared. “Welp, guess I should be going. This is your personal pocket dimension, isn’t it? He actually picked that one?”
“He did.”
“Smart,” said God. “Oi Dick, a burger for some wisdom?”
Dick retrieved a Triple Dicker Cheeseburger from his inventory. “Fries are free.”
“Much obliged,” God said, licking his lips at the delicious meal. “Remember Dick. When in doubt… Number Go Up.”
“Number Go Up,” Dick replied, nodding his head.
God flashed him a double thumbs up before disappearing into thin air.
“Well, now that he’s gone, let me explain how this works,” said Greg. “Basically, you spend money to level up this place. Because capitalism. But you can only buy certain things once you’re at a certain NGU. NGU 50 and 100 unlock a ton of options, as does NGU 25. Here’s what we’ve got so far.”
Greg projected an options list into the air.
Homes
[Cabin] — 39,995 Buttcoin
Landscape
[Golden Fields] — 35,995 Buttcoin
[Arctic Tundra] — 44,995 Buttcoin
[Lava Hellscape] — 54,995 Buttcoin
Add Ons
[Shed] — 14,995 Buttcoin
[Kennel] — 19,995 Buttcoin
[Stable] — 39,995 Buttcoin
“Shit, why’s everything’s so goddamn expensive?” Dick said, perusing the list.
“It’s a personal universe. Prices are obviously gonna be higher here. Besides, you had a lot of money. You just spent it all.”
“Ah, right. Well that’s okay. The Dicksciples will make me rich again in no time.”
“Uh, huh. So nice to have your own labor force willing to work for free and sacrifice their well being for your sake.”
“Hey, I didn’t ask them to fall for that cultivation bullshit.”
Just when Dick was about to leave the empty white space, a blue box popped up, completely dominating his vision, causing him to trip and fall.
“A new quest!? Nice!” Greg exclaimed. “What’s it say?”
Dick looked over the notification. “What in Tarnation!?” He yelped.
It said: