It had been more of an impulse.
Cedar hated dreams about his past more than anything, so he always woke up in a bad mood after that. This time, it had been worse than that.
He had dreamed about his own foolish past self that had desperately tried to gain his parents' affection. Back then, he had done everything in his power to become a good son. He had learned for hours, trained and prepared to rule a nation, even though he had never been the appointed heir. He had retrieved thoughtful gifts for his parents and been the first one to congratulate them on any special day.
And yet, that hadn't ever helped.
His father had given him a cold look and either ignored him or nodded at him before voicing some curt response.
His mother had acted as if him doing all of this had been logical. She hadn't praised him much, and when she did, it had been because she wanted something in return. Either she had asked a favor of him, or she wanted to secure his obedience. In the end, this had ensured that her affection felt fake.
Facing such parents during his childhood was probably the second-worst thing Cedar had been through. The first had been seeing how his father listened to Theodore for minutes at a time and how loving Althea had been. That had been even more horrible because Cedar had felt how envy slowly crept into his veins each time, even though he had known that Theodore wasn't to be blamed.
All of those things had been mixed into his dream, and he wasn't even sure what he had seen. Maybe part of his duel with his brother had been shown, and after that, he had once again been rejected by his deceased father before facing his mother's hysteric fury after that one time he had tried to leave. He had resented this dream even more than anything else.
Catching a glimpse of Althea lying in her blood despite him begging her not to leave for the hunting festival had perfected this nightmare to make it into something horrifying.
And then all of a sudden, it was warm.
Cedar had barely been able to understand what was going on. When he awoke and felt that another person was with him, his first reaction was to get them off his body so that he could defend himself. He barely stopped himself in time when he recognized Lucille, and a bitter feeling of guilt got a hold of him. He had almost attacked her just because of his cursed childhood.
After that, he was forced to think about the nightmare again, and to do that, he wanted to be alone. So, it was logical for him to leave. Especially since he should never have fallen asleep next to a young woman at all.
And yet, Cedar stopped at the door after closing it and leaned his back against the wooden frame while considering turning back. The only thing that stopped him were the guards who looked at him as if he had grown wings. He quickly smiled at them before running off.
Damn it. Hopefully, that wouldn't cause any problematic rumors for Lucille.
Cedar hurried away from the doctor's office. At first, he planned on going to his room, which he had moved to after Lucille had gotten better. But he quickly understood that this wouldn't be any good. Right now, he was still shaken from that dream. He needed to vent his frustration first before doing anything else.
Since it was the middle of the night, it should be easy to find an empty spot in the garden to train a bit. He wasn't sure whether he would get a sword from somewhere, but he could also use a branch if necessary. Or he could just train his stamina by running around. Seemingly, he needed more practice to beat his brother, so he might as well use his anger to improve himself.
Cedar left the building and ignored how the guards looked at him with obvious suspicion before he walked toward the terrace. If he entered the labyrinth, he could go to the center and have his peace there. No guards ever went there since they patrolled the outside, which was risky but pretty helpful for him.
As he steered toward his destination, he couldn't help but think about the scene just now. He should have thanked Lucille properly for trying to help him. She couldn't have known that he was going to react like this because of a simple dream.
She had looked hurt when he had pushed her away.
Maybe Cedar should apologize. But how would he do that when pushing her away was what he needed to do? He had to distance himself from her, both for her and his sake. But just imagining how sad she would look if he avoided her made him reconsider. He shouldn't care about her feelings. This was dangerous. She was already much too close to him. He couldn't allow her to get any closer, or there would be huge problems.
When had he lost track of how important she had become to him? In the past, he had always made sure to keep people at a certain distance, and even Reeve had never seen much more than every stranger. But then again, he didn't trust Reeve as much as Lucille either. That already showed how foolish he had become.
After all, Cedar had barely gotten to know her until the past two months. This was moving way too quickly. Why? Why did he like spending time with her so much? He couldn't even explain that in front of his own consciousness.
Cedar ran his fingers through his hair and let out a low sigh as he rounded a corner of the palace. He hated himself for having gotten so weak. He should have kept Lucille away from the very beginning. Then he wouldn't have this problem now. But he had asked for a bit more each time and had never set himself a limit. He would have to start distancing himself from her in the future. He knew that this would be much harder than it should have been, but there was no other choice.
He wasn't a person Lucille should spend time with, and his mother wouldn't give up harming the other woman as long as her son showed an interest in her. Cedar would need to pull himself together. Lucille had just been a convenient helper in the beginning, and now he didn't necessarily need her anymore. So, he should stop clinging to her.
Cedar told himself all of that three times, but deep inside, he knew that he had already given up on keeping Lucille away. Even if it was foolish, he might have already gone too far to pull back. After all, he couldn't deny that waking up in her arms after that nightmare had calmed him down much more than he would have thought it to be possible. It was odd that her presence was enough to make him so relieved. How exactly did he feel about her? He wasn't sure. This situation was truly infuriating.
The prince was lost in thoughts when a quiet noise made him snap out of it. He jolted his head up and stopped to listen.
A small group of people was walking on the path that led around the building. Those were probably guards, but Cedar considered stepping away to avoid them anyway.
He was a member of royalty, so he shouldn't go out of his way to keep others from seeing him, but he wasn't in the mood for any games right now. He listened to the footsteps a moment longer, and his mood got even worse.
That sounded like heels were clicking on the pavement. There probably was a knight too, but the other people seemed to be women. Either this was a group of servants, or Cedar had been lucky enough to run into the empress.
He assumed that it was the second option, which made him want to hide even more. But if he moved too slowly, people would see him running away, and if he left too quickly, the guards might assume that he was an intruder. So, he would just need to endure it, smile and leave as soon as the group passed. He rounded the corner, and his eyes fell on the people that stood in front of him.
Owen Maillont, the head knight, as well as another guard and three maids were accompanying a young woman in a lavish dress. That was the empress. Why was she running around in the middle of the night? And why did the prince have to meet her by accident while he tried to be alone in this huge estate?
Cedar reminded himself that it wouldn't take long. He could go train in a few minutes. He just had to say hello before leaving. Surely, the empress wasn't happy about seeing him here either. He just bowed and hoped that it would be over soon.
“Cedar?” Blanche sounded like she was surprised, but her tone lacked the annoyance that she normally showed when she met him. “What are you doing here in the middle of the night?”
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The prince lifted his head and smiled at her. Why did she call him by his name now? She hated him. She had always made sure to address him as distantly as possible. “Good night, Your Majesty. I was merely taking a walk to clear my head. I did not expect to run into anyone here. It is a pleasure to meet you. I have to say that I'm surprised that you stopped using the title.” He had been sure that her face would scrunch up as she heard that.
But instead, Blanche gave him a smile. “I'm surprised that you started using it. You never cared much about addressing me correctly. You aren't even calling Theo by his title, so it's strange to hear you speak this formally.”
Cedar wasn't sure what he should do with this sudden change. Why was the empress so friendly? Their relationship hadn't ever been good. He didn't have a choice but to be polite though. “Well, he's my brother, and he didn't complain. I never dared to address an empress informally though.” He had been polite around the former empress as well, so this wasn't too special. Being respectful and putting on a kind facade had always been his task in public after all. The only people who had encountered his provoking side had been Theodore and the emperor's closest companions, which included Blanche. Cedar remembered making her mad on purpose on multiple occasions. So, why was she acting like this now?
The empress didn't seem to be bothered by his presence, even though her maids scanned him with skepticism. “Ah, right. I think I remember that. But I didn't think that you'd pay this much attention to it. Weren't you the one that proposed being more informal since we're part of the same family?”
Cedar looked at her with a smile, but inwardly, his head was full of question marks. If she wanted to confuse him with her actions, she was using the right strategy. He had no idea what to expect of her right now. Did she want to pay him back for when he had provoked her every time they met? Maybe. “Of course, I would pay attention to the proper etiquette. We are indeed family since my brother and you are married now, but I will not overstep my boundaries. If I offended you in the past...” He definitely had. “I sincerely apologize. It will not happen again.”
Blanche scanned him for a moment before replying. “But it would be a shame if you stopped being sarcastic. I liked your jokes as long as you held back a bit. You always used to say funny things.” She had to be half-asleep right now. There was no way that she would have said this under normal circumstances.
Cedar remembered scaring her to death and making her cry on multiple occasions. None of that had been funny. In the end, even he had felt bad about it, but the fact that she had hated him afterward had calmed him a bit. But right now, she said strange things. In fact, she said so weird things that he couldn't help himself and pointed it out. “I do not mean to offend you, Your Majesty, but may I ask something? Somehow, I feel like you are different around me. Could I inquire what caused such a sudden change?”
The empress gave him a little smile that made it seem like she was taunting him a bit. “Different? I have no idea what you mean. How am I different?” She probably didn't think that he would admit it outright.
But Cedar had no problem being direct. “Oh, you are very different. I cannot imagine that you could be unaware of that. You stopped glaring at me. You didn't try to run away upon seeing me, and you didn't want to throw me out of the palace. Nor have you treated me as if I was an enemy that needed to be watched at all times to ensure that I don't do anything. I also haven't heard you calling me an ‘arrogant bastard’ in a while.”
Blanche grinned at that. “You have to admit that you can be pretty infuriating. Back then, my comment was very much justified. I hope it didn't hurt you too much.”
Cedar had been the one provoking her until she had given up on keeping her composure. He didn't have the right to be angry about her insulting him nor did he care much. “I've been called worse. As long as it doesn't become the norm, I do not mind. But...” Cedar paused and scanned her expression before continuing. “You did not answer my question, Your Majesty. Of course, you do not have to if you are unwilling, but I have to admit that I'm curious.”
Blanche lifted her hand to push aside a strand of her hair before twirling it around her finger. She hesitated for a moment before replying. “I will be honest. It would be hard to explain. Let's just say that you helped me out in the past without knowing it. And since I am very much content with you finally trying to dig up that riverbed, I am in a very good mood. I hope that we can stay on friendly terms from now on.” That almost sounded like she remembered something he didn't know about. There had been no way that she would have considered talking to him when she didn't have to in the past, and now she suddenly did things like this. It was too odd.
Cedar grew more skeptical with each passing second. She was probably planning something to pay him back. He didn't have the desire to find out what she wanted to do, so he would quickly wrap up the small talk and then leave. “I see. It is an honor to be treated with such generosity by Her Majesty herself. If I may ask, what could you be doing here at this time of the day?” He didn't expect an honest answer. This was her palace, so she could do whatever she wanted without explaining herself.
But Blanche replied. “I am waiting for Theo. We planned on having a picnic in the moonlight. You know that you can stargaze from behind the labyrinth, right? We will make ourselves comfortable there and admire the stars a bit.”
That meant that Cedar could forget training near the labyrinth unless he wanted to disturb a love-struck couple. Great. “I see. That sounds wonderful. Then it would be bad if you made Theodore wait. I do not wish to disturb you any longer.”
“There is no need to worry about that. We have plenty of time. But of course, I will not keep you from taking your walk.” Blanche paused before turning to her maid. She reached for the basket that the other woman was carrying and quickly opened it. “But before you leave, do you want to take a cupcake? There are too many for us to finish, so you can have one without feeling bad.”
Cedar became even more skeptical. What was wrong with the empress today? She probably hadn't poisoned the food she brought to her husband, but why was she offering something to the prince? He was only becoming more and more prepared to be faced with some backhanded plan each second. “I sincerely apologize, but I have to reject that. I don't think I should steal the food your servants painstakingly prepared.”
The empress gestured toward the sweet tarts and beamed at him. “Don't be like that. As you can see, we have enough here. Are you sure that you won't take one? I won't force you, but I will encourage you by saying that they are delicious. You like the ones with strawberries most, right?”
Strawberry was his favorite flavor. But no one knew that.
No one.
Cedar was sure that only his mother had noticed when he had been around three. She had scolded him for liking a flavor that she deemed inappropriate for a prince. Then she had insisted on him having to prefer more mature tastes, which mostly were bitter ones. Cedar was convinced that he had never dared to talk back after that. He sometimes got his favorites when they had been prepared by coincidence, but he had never even asked the cook to pay attention to his needs.
There was no way that anyone around him would be aware of what he liked.
The prince just stood there and smiled at the empress, but he needed to hold back not to reveal his shock. “It is...interesting that you make such assumptions. I would say that even my brother has no idea what I like to eat since I barely have any preferences. How come Your Majesty would make such random guesses when I am certain that I never mentioned anything similar?”
Blanche stopped moving and looked away as if she had been caught in the act. She was quiet for a moment before she responded in a quieter voice. “As I said, it's hard to explain. You told me. You just don't remember. I know that you won't believe me now, but there is no way for you to prove the opposite. I could tell you a lot about you to make you understand, but I don't think that you want to remember.”
Cedar gritted his teeth while forcing himself to keep smiling. “I see.” He didn't understand it at all. He could guarantee that he had never told that woman something about what food he liked. Cedar had never been the type to talk much about his feelings, and what Lucille knew was already the most he had ever revealed to those around him. During the revolt, he had purposefully admitted to being jealous of his brother, but that had been it. There was no way that this would help Blanche conclude that he liked strawberries.
It was almost ridiculous how furious that made him. How could people know what he hadn't told them? That was disturbing, and it made him doubt whether he had hidden enough of his emotions while facing those around him. He would truly need to control himself more from now on. He couldn't give away so much about himself anymore. That was much too dangerous. Even though he was certain that he hadn't told the empress about his personal preferences.
Cedar took those thoughts as a cue to end the conversation. “Anyway, I have to reject the offer, but I sincerely thank you. It is late, so I don't wish to keep you from meeting Theodore for longer. I will take my leave if you grant me permission, Your Majesty.”
Blanche gave him a little smile, which made it seem like she would allow him to leave, but she just began talking about another topic. “Please stay a moment longer. I need to ask something. Are you certain that you do not wish to attend the tea party tomorrow?”
Cedar took a moment before he remembered. A tea party had been planned for the last few weeks already, and Theodore had mentioned it. But he hadn't expected it to be tomorrow already. Had someone reminded Lucille? He wasn't sure whether she remembered that. “Ah. Yes. The tea party. No, I think that it would be a good decision to skip it. No one there would be happy to see me. My position in noble society right now is...interesting, to say the least.”
While the aristocrats might not show it as openly as some servants did, most people condemned a person who had committed treason and tried to kill the emperor. He would ruin the mood by appearing and, frankly, saw no need to do that.
Blanche became a bit more serious when she responded. “But showing up could prove that you and Theodore are currently reconciling. Would it not be good to prove that to the public?” Was she giving him tips on how to improve his reputation now? That was stupid. Why did she care? She should hope for her husband's rival to lose as many chances as possible.
Cedar's smile didn't falter for even a single second while he responded. “I understand what you mean, but I believe that this would be too early. Right now, it is more beneficial to keep the fact that I am hiding here a secret. A lot of gossip already spread, but if I attended, it would be proven to be the truth. I think I should refrain from showing up in public for the next few weeks. You will probably have another ball in a month or so, right? I can just appear there. If anyone asks later, we can say that I was still hurt during the tea party.”
“Alright. Then we will do that.” Blanche glanced at the labyrinth before turning to him again. “Then I do not wish to disturb you for much longer. But let me give you a piece of advice. You are still hurt, even if you won't admit it. Don't train in the middle of the night. You are a much better fighter than you know, so there is no need for you to overdo it with practicing. Go to sleep, and continue when you are fully recovered.”
Cedar's grin widened. Did Blanche pretend to be worried about him too? Why were both she and Theodore doing this the whole time? Did they want to seem even more perfect than they already were? “I understand, Your Majesty. I will return to my chambers now. Goodnight.” He wouldn't listen anyway. He would just find a different spot to train.
Blanche crossed her arms and looked at him for a few seconds before she replied. “Don't lie to me. If you can't take care of yourself of your own free will, see it as an order. I will know whether you listened. Go to bed. Goodnight.” With that, she spun around and left along with her entourage.
Cedar stayed behind and met her gaze when she glanced over her shoulder once more. What was that supposed to mean? He didn't like being told what to do when the other person had no reason to care about him. In fact, this only gave him another reason not to go to bed. But he could already imagine that the empress was serious about controlling whether he went to his room.
Then he would just train there. It wasn't like he would be able to sleep now anyway. The fact that the people around him, mostly Theodore and Blanche, had suddenly changed was enough to make him worry, and in addition, Lucille was on his mind constantly. If he also needed to think about what he would do from now on, it would become quite a stressful night.