Aurora had unintentionally managed to throw her rattle away and looked rather perplexed upon noticing that she didn't have her toy anymore.
Cedar let out a little chuckle. “Apparently, the rattle has gotten boring now. Maybe the colorful blocks will be better then. Would you mind giving them to me? I can't move right now.”
Lucille leaned forward to pick up the demanded items. She handed them to Aurora, who immediately took two of them and wanted to steal the others as well.
Apparently, the little girl wasn't ready to share her toys at the time. And even though she received quite a few blocks in different shapes, Aurora longingly stared at the rattle.
Lucille reached for the table and took the rattle to present it to Aurora again. In an instant, the toy was snatched away from her.
Aurora happily held onto the rattle and shook it again. That noise was slowly getting a bit repetitive, but the adults couldn't do much about that.
Lucille watched the baby for a moment before she replied to Cedar. “I don't think that she was bored. This thing was just too heavy.”
Cedar hummed in approval. “I don't know why she is so obsessed with it. She loves playing with it, even though her tiny arm has to get tired quickly. I haven't seen many children that are so enthusiastic about a toy. Rebecca is much more hesitant when it comes to this. Luciano said that she needs to be coaxed into...” His voice trailed off when someone else demanded his attention.
Aurora looked up at the prince, even though it seemed like she had difficulties staying in that position, and held the rattle toward Cedar as if she wanted to show it to him. She was rather serious about that and acted like it was of utmost importance that he looked carefully.
Cedar did her the favor and watched how she shook it. Then he reached for the toy, and surprisingly, he was allowed to take it. He shook it a few times, and a bright smile grew on Aurora's lips.
The baby watched before she decided that sitting around might be a bit boring. Aurora tried to move in Cedar's direction and lifted her arm despite her strange posture, which would have made her fall backward if she hadn't been leaning against her uncle.
Lucille couldn't help but grin. “Aurora really seems to like you. I feel like she favors you above anyone aside from her parents.”
Cedar tried to give back the rattle to Aurora, but she had no desire to take it and was just focused on him. She opened her mouth to yawn once but continued her little attempt at climbing on top of the man next to her, which was doomed to fail from the very beginning. Cedar didn't react to those strange motions and just smiled at the baby. “I noticed that she is very calm around me. I am not sure why though. I am just playing with her like anyone else would. Maybe it's because I am a bit more careful because I'm still not used to carrying such a small human.” To be honest, he looked like he wasn't too tense when being with her anymore. He was rather relaxed even while Aurora reached up to touch his face and grabbed his nose with the enthusiasm only a baby could show.
Lucille scanned the scene in front of her for a moment before an explanation came to her mind. “Maybe it's because you look a little bit similar to her father.”
Cedar froze in his movement and turned to her while giving her a skeptical gaze. “Do you think I look like Theodore?” Was he that unhappy with this thought?
Lucille couldn't deny the similarity. The two men were brothers, and one could see that. There wasn't much she could say about this. “Well...” She scanned her lover for a bit longer and imagined Theodore in front of her inner eye. The longer she did that, the more differences came to her mind. Their hair and eye colors were the most obvious differing things about them, but there was much more. So, she revised her statement a bit. “One wouldn't confuse you with each other. But you look a little alike. I mean, you are much more attractive by far, but no one would distrust you when they hear that you two are siblings.”
Cedar's smile came back so quickly that she guessed that his indignation before had been an act. “That's good. I don't want you to look at my brother. You are supposed to look at me only.”
Lucille showed him a smile in return. “Of course. I love you, so what did you expect?”
“I'm not sure whether you should respond to such a selfish wish immediately. You have to be a bit more-” Cedar cut himself off when the babbling began again.
Aurora said, or rather mouthed, quite a few unintelligible syllables. She was content when Cedar offered her his hands and put her tiny palms onto his. She happily shook his hands and babbled more. Then she yawned again, this time for much longer. After that, her eyes closed for a moment before she forced herself to open them again. Apparently, she was getting tired.
Lucille carefully took the ignored color blocks and put them on the table before leaning back in her seat again. She watched how Cedar played with Aurora for a moment and chuckled as she saw that the baby was overly happy to see the prince again when he pulled his hands away to play peekaboo. For a moment, she couldn't help but imagine what it would be like if she and Cedar had a child.
Her lover always acted like he wasn't fit to show someone else affection, but as soon as he interacted with others, he was doing great. He took care of Aurora without any big issues. He was playing with her without being impatient, and he also seemed to know what to do at each moment.
Right now, Aurora was slowly getting more tired, and of course, Cedar found the perfect moment after a few minutes and lifted her to bring her to her cradle. He carefully placed Aurora inside and before swaying her cradle from side to side a bit. It didn't take long for her to fall asleep, and Cedar withdrew without making a sound. He came back to the sofa and sat down directly next to his lover so that he could cuddle with her. “So. Where were we?” He spoke in a lower voice to avoid waking Aurora, but it was still loud enough to easily have a conversation.
Lucille smiled at him, but to be honest, she was still lost in thoughts. The chance of having a child with Cedar wasn't that far away, was it? She would like to wait for a few more years, but if they had accidentally become intimate on the wrong day, she might just need to concern herself with raising a child soon. That would be a bit too early for her. She didn't want to say this at all, but her mouth opened on its own. “What do we do if the contraceptives didn't work this time?”
Cedar was silent for a moment. He looked like he was a bit taken aback by that sudden comment, which explained why he hesitated before he reacted. He hugged Lucille and put a hand against her cheek to caress her skin. “Well... There is little we can do if you really end up...being pregnant. I presume that we would marry soon to hide that we already were together before our wedding. But actually, that doesn't seem to be too important in our society anymore when the empress got pregnant before her coronation too. Aside from that, we would just have to...leave it up to fate.” That was true.
But Lucille was a bit too worried now that she had considered that option again. She played with her fingernails while trying to swallow her uncertainty, but it was too late already. She was full of doubt, and her stomach was churning with nervousness. “We're so young. I have no idea what to do with a child. Watching Aurora occasionally is fine, but...having your own child is different.” She didn't feel prepared when there was so much she needed to deal with or think about before that. “If we ever have a child, I would like to take care of it with a lot of affection and caution. I don't want to mess up anything because I am too inexperienced.”
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Cedar met his lover's gaze and showed her a faint smile that revealed that he understood how serious the topic was. “I'm not confident about being able to raise a child either. But I don't think you are prepared until you suddenly have one. I mean, holding Aurora got easier with time as well. I assume that it will be similar if you have a child on your own. But I will go to the doctor directly after we are finished here, and then you can drink or eat that contraceptive. It will be fine. And even if...something did happen, we have the resources to deal with this. We have a somewhat safe home, enough money to buy everything a child needs, people who are experienced and can help, and we have enough time to take care of someone too. So, we...would manage.” He wasn't overjoyed about the thought of having a child now either. Most likely, not just because of his doubts regarding himself.
The prince wasn't sure about whether he could be a good father, but he definitely feared Camille as well. That woman was ruthless enough to target a baby or a pregnant woman if Cedar was the father, just because she hated the possibility of him being happy. It was disgusting, but Lucille would certainly expect attempted assassinations.
Lucille weakly nodded in approval. She just hoped that nothing had happened and that whatever contraceptive she received would help, even if that was a weak defense. She didn't want to risk having a child each time that she slept with her lover. Still, it was calming to hear that Cedar was so optimistic. If they had a child now, it would not be the end of the world, and they would manage to raise their healthy baby anyway. That thought allowed Lucille to be a bit more relaxed when it came to this. “Alright. Then...please ask the doctor quickly.”
Cedar stroked over her head and sorted a few tangled strands on the side of her face while he replied. “I will. Don't worry. It won't take long. And, like I said, you don't have to be worried. Everything will be fine.”
Lucille nodded at that again before she leaned her head against her lover. As long as they both put in a lot of effort and wanted children together, it should be fine, even if something had suddenly happened now. That thought made her hesitate again.
She hadn't ever asked her lover whether he wanted to have children at all.
Lucille lifted her head a bit too quickly so that Cedar immediately noticed and looked at her. She could only meet his gaze and open her mouth before closing it again. She wasn't sure how to phrase this, and she was a bit scared of the response. What if he didn't want a child? Then their wishes for the future would be a bit too different.
“Lucille?” Cedar's voice reminded her that she needed to speak.
For a moment, she panicked before she ended up being direct. “Do you want to have children?”
Cedar stared at her. He didn't do anything aside from that before he averted his eyes. He took a moment before he managed to bring himself to speak. “To be honest, I never thought about that topic for long. Until now, I never had a romantic relationship and knew that I wouldn't have a fiancée while Mother was watching me either. I didn't think about children even once. And since you know that I am a bit...abnormal, I am not sure whether I can be a good role model to a young child.” Of course, that was his greatest worry.
Lucille was pretty sure that this one was the least troublesome one though. She had spent enough time with Cedar to know that he was a loving partner. If he was able to show compassion, which he thought that he couldn't, this was proof of him being able to act as a father too. “I think that you can be a good father. You never had issues holding Aurora or Rebecca. You also don't seem bothered upon playing with children, and I can attest that you are able to show a lot of affection.” She got a bit red while saying that. Maybe she was too emotional at the moment and that was why she was this bad at hiding her intention. If Lucille was really honest, she would like it if her lover wanted children too, and she would like his response to be heartfelt and not just based on his self-deprecation. So, she added one more argument to make him think about this without his self-doubt directing his decision. “The only issue would be your fighting reflex. You can't view a child trying to scare you as an assassination attempt.”
Cedar still showed her a little smile, but it was barely visible at this point in time. “You are right about that. But I doubt that a child can sneak up on me when I am used to detecting assassins. That isn't the issue. It's more about...whether...” He paused before letting out a little snort. “Well, in any case, I could be a better father than mine was, and I am pretty sure that I would be a better parent than Mother too.”
Lucille nodded before even thinking about that and spoke with as just as much vigor as she felt. “Of course! You are much kinder than you might notice yourself. And you didn't have any issues showing me affection either, so there is no reason to assume that you couldn't raise a child.”
Cedar didn't meet her gaze. He stared into the distance for a moment before he replied. “As you know, I didn't have the best examples right in front of me. So, I'm still uncertain.”
That was enough to make Lucille a bit hesitant as well. She didn't want to force her lover to do anything. She would be happy if he wanted children, but it would be useless if he just agreed to please her. So, she should probably remind Cedar that he was under no obligation to come to the same conclusion as she had, and she wanted to tell him that. But she didn't dare speak up.
Cedar stayed quiet for a few seconds, which was enough to raise the tension. Then he finally looked at her again. He stared at her for another moment before he whispered to her. “I may not have seen what one has to do, but I know what a parent can never do. If we have a child, there are some things we can't forget. I lived through what I would call a very particular childhood. I don't want our children to have anything like that.”
Lucille's heart skipped a beat. If he was talking about their children, he seemed to consider that option for real. She shifted a bit so that she could look into his face without tilting her head the whole time and maintained eye contact. “I know. What do you... What is the most important thing to you?”
Cedar was absolutely serious at the moment. That was visible just because of his missing smile, but even his voice carried a sense of urgency as well. “Children aren't tools. You shouldn't have a child because you expect it to be your heir or because you want to marry them off. No one should be born while already being appointed with a task.” He was speaking from his own experience.
Lucille felt a little sting in her chest as she listened to that. They both had been met with a lot of unpleasant times during their childhood, but she would never claim to be on the same level as him in that regard. Camille had been much more violent and cruel than Raymond could ever have been, and the former emperor had ignored his son on purpose for fourteen years while Emily had simply disappeared from her daughter's life.
Still, Lucille knew some of the pain and the fear that Cedar had been plagued by and could understand why this was important to him. “Naturally. We would never treat our child like that. Never.” She lifted her hand to stroke over Cedar's head.
Her lover closed his eyes for a moment before he met her gaze again. He carefully brought his hand to her face and cupped her chin as he spoke. “It's important to let children live their lives without them needing to tiptoe on a thin line between angering their parents or doing something that makes them unhappy. We can't decide what they will do and lay out a plan for their future without paying attention to their interests. And...” He paused for a moment before he continued at a volume that was slightly lower than before. “Constantly comparing them to someone else is the best way to crush someone's self-confidence. If we have a child, we have to make sure that they can be proud of what they accomplished and not ask them to do more and more.” He was talking about something he had experienced too.
Again, the answer was clear. “Of course.”
Cedar slowly took his hand away from her face and put his arms around her instead. He pulled her closer so that she was sitting on his lap and resting her chin on his shoulder. For a moment, she thought that he was done, but then he whispered again. “It's important to let children cry too. I...read that it's normal for toddlers to cry at everything. And them getting sad or angry is fine as well. Maybe it's annoying to deal with a childish tantrum, but children are usually not as calm as adults. It would be odd to demand the behavior of an adult when they are much younger and need time to grow up.”
That was probably the worst of all of this, the reason for the iron mask Cedar seemed to wear constantly.
Lucille got a little emotional while thinking about that. She blinked a few times and stroked over the back of her lover's head. “You're right. If we have children, they won't have to act and hide their feelings. They will be able to think for themselves, and we will support them in each way that is possible. We won't be cruel or demand the impossible of them. We won't ask for obedience or make them do everything we say. We will do our best to give our children the childhood they deserve, one without fear.”
A few seconds passed after that, which almost made her fear that she had misspoken.
But then Cedar slowly moved his head to press a kiss onto her cheek before he spoke again. “Yes. You're right. And of course, I have no clue about any of this, but...” He paused for a moment, only to continue with even more seriousness in his voice. “If we do this, we need to be sure and not regret it after. No parent should tell their child that they are unlovable or should not have been born.”
Lucille felt tears pricking in her eyes now. It was a strange emotion that she was feeling at the moment, but she knew that she hated it. She was in pain because she imagined what her lover had been through as a child. But at the same time, something else rose inside her. That probably was her hatred for Camille, which always seemed to grow despite already being immeasurable. She pressed her lips together and closed her eyes to keep herself from crying for a few seconds. When she was confident that she would be able to speak, she dared to open her mouth again. “We will tell them that they are loved and that we will always be on their side. We will make sure that they know that we are proud of them.”
Upon saying this, Lucille finally realized that the topic had shifted slightly. With time, their conversation had become less and less speculative. Cedar was also talking about what they needed to keep in mind for their future children, which meant that he had accepted that possibility. He wasn't completely averse to this idea.
Lucille would have smiled if she hadn't been so emotional at the moment. In the end, she just kissed her lover once before she rested her chin on his shoulder again. They sat while hugging each other for a long time.
When Blanche came back a few minutes later, she found Lucille and Cedar cuddling on the sofa while Aurora was sleeping peacefully in the cradle next to them. She saw that the couple was a bit distracted and quietly sat down on the armchair to watch her daughter while letting the two of them calm down on their own.