Lucille wasn't the type of person to forget her worries. If she messed up or something unpleasant happened, it would haunt her for years to come. Occasionally, those old memories returned to her, and she could barely get over them. Currently, that troubled her in two ways.
She still wasn't sure whether suddenly hugging Cedar while they had been naked had been a good idea. Not because she had a problem getting that close to him but because she still couldn't believe that she had been so daring. If she had been thinking clearly at that moment, she would never have tried something like that. But apparently, her brain had been busy thinking about different matters that day. Lucille could live with that though. Remembering that only made her blush, and sometimes, it was hard to meet her lover's gaze. But he didn't make a big deal out of it, so it was fine.
What bothered Lucille much more was the occasional thought about her mother. Surely, she could ignore that most of the time as well. But each little thing she connected with her childhood inevitably reminded her of her mother and this whole situation with the letters. She remembered what Emily had written and how affectionate her mother had sounded while addressing the man she had divorced. It didn't make sense no matter how one put it.
But Lucille didn't try to find logic in this situation. She favored distractions and didn't want anything around her to be a constant reminder of the pain that her mother's disappearance had left. Thankfully, she managed to ignore that most of the time too. As long as she busied herself, it was easy to keep her thoughts away from topics that were embarrassing or unpleasant.
And it had gotten better with time. By now, Lucille could read without being distracted again, and that was helpful when she needed to keep her mind busy. After all, there were hundreds of old books in the royal library, and she adored all of them. She had less time to read than when she had been at home since she often spent time with Cedar or visited Blanche, but she still made significant progress each day, possibly because she was a rather quick reader. Yet, there were more books every day, which had miraculously been prepared for her to enjoy.
The royal library shouldn't have many romance novels, and still, more and more showed up, and some even stood on the bookshelf in Cedar and her room. Lucille knew that some had been part of her birthday gift, and some suddenly appeared after she had left the room for a moment. That indicated that Cedar was secretly giving her more and more books. That was nice of him, but she still felt a little bad. Even if he had more than enough money, it felt odd to receive so many gifts. But Lucille wouldn't allow that to keep her from valuing them. She would enjoy every single book he had given her and would happily tell him about the stories she was currently reading so that he knew.
Today, Lucille was once again lying on her bed while reading one of the new romance novels. She had to admit that reading the part about the main characters being together in the bathtub was a bit embarrassing when she compared it to what she and Cedar had done. But she tried not to focus on that and kept reading. She finished five chapters before someone knocked on the door. Lucille lifted her head and put away her book before she spoke. “Yes?”
The door opened, and Cedar came inside with a bright smile on his face. “Hello. I hope I didn't interrupt you in the middle of an exciting scene.”
Lucille smiled back at him and stood up to greet him. “No, it's fine. Nothing much happened during the current chapter.” Except for the main couple kissing and doing some things that were a little bit more steamy. “Did you work on the contract you mentioned?”
Cedar came closer to her and allowed her to hug him. He pressed a small kiss onto her forehead before he replied. “Maybe. I worked on that for the first hour. After that, I needed to discuss something with my brother. He kept complaining about me asking for something almost impossible, but since they managed to do it, I'm not sure why he is even whining.” He let out a fake sigh before kissing his lover's neck a few times. He stayed like that for a moment and rested his head in the crook of her neck before he lifted his head again. “To be honest, that topic is why we need to talk about something too.”
What was so important that the emperor told his brother to relay it to Lucille? “Did something bad happen?”
Cedar shook his head. “Nothing happened. We just found out new information about something.” He lifted his hand to stroke a strand of her hair to the side of her face. “As I said, I just had a conversation with Theodore. He owed me a favor for helping him last time. So, I asked him to pick something up for me a few days ago. He agreed, and it arrived today.”
Now Lucille was even more lost. “If you specifically asked for it, it has to be important.”
“Indeed.” Cedar let his hand wander down and interlocked their fingers to pull her toward the bed. He sat down, and she took a seat next to him. Cedar reached into his pocket and retrieved a neatly folded piece of paper. He carefully showed it to his lover while unfolding it. “Of course, these aren't the originals. These are copies. Leonard scribbled everything down in a hurry, so it might not be written in an aesthetically pleasing way. But this at least summarizes the important part. I told you that I found some interesting documents in your father's desk last time, right? I wanted to confirm whether I had read those correctly, and it seems like I was correct. This is about your mother, so I thought that you would want to know.”
Lucille's heart skipped a beat. She looked at her lover before glancing down at the piece of paper in her hand. She wasn't sure what to say about this when it was obvious that she wanted to know. If Cedar had deemed it to be important enough for her to have to read it, she fully trusted that she had to go through this.
And yet, she was reluctant.
Everything she had found out about her mother during the past weeks had made her unhappy. Very unhappy. Even now, she hadn't gotten over the letters Emily had sent, even though she had known about them for a while now. Suddenly finding out about something else didn't sound too pleasant. It even sounded so unpleasant that she might not really want to know this at all.
Lucille seriously considered rejecting this for a moment. She stared at the document in her lover's hand while her throat became dry. She opened her mouth without speaking before closing it again. Lucille hesitated for another moment. “Is it something bad?”
Cedar met her gaze with his typical fake smile. This definitely wasn't a pleasant matter. “It is not something you would celebrate. It could explain some things, but frankly, I am more than skeptical. I'm not certain whether you need to know this, but it might be better. The decision is yours. Do you want to read it?”
Lucille didn't. At least not really. After all, she knew that thinking about her mother would only hurt her. But at the same time, she was well aware that she was in the dark about all of this. Her mother's disappearance was still clouded in mystery, and to be honest, that was the one thing Lucille would still like to know. She wanted to know why Emily had disappeared. She had no idea what she longed to hear, maybe some logical explanation that wouldn't make her feel guilty for driving away her mother. If she was extremely unlucky, her presence might be the reason though. Lucille wouldn't be too happy about that. But one way or another, she needed to hear it at some point. She couldn't reject this chance of finding out what her mother had been thinking. “I...want to know. What is this?”
Cedar paused to stroke over her head for a moment. Then he separated the three papers he had been holding. “This here seems to be the description of a doctor's visit, which I spotted last week. Leon also found two letters about this topic. One seems to be a draft of a letter your father wished to send to your mother and one seemed to be from her to him. They discussed your mother's condition in those letters, and it is connected to what the doctor found out.” He held the documents toward her.
Lucille hadn't been eager before, but now her hands moved on their own. She grabbed the papers and began reading while trying to ignore her her stomach twisted and churned. She read the doctor's assessment first.
It wasn't odd for her mother to consult a doctor regularly. Emily had always been rather weak, so even small sicknesses had confined her to bed. She had rarely left the house, and Lucille couldn't even remember ever having seen her mother walk fast or run, so it seemed like Emily had been exhausted rather quickly. However, no doctor, not even the one who had taken care of her from the very beginning, had been able to find the reason.
At least Lucille had thought that. The doctor's assessment in front of her claimed that a specific sickness was at fault.
Lucille's heart beat so quickly that it pounded in her ears. She couldn't hear anything else as she stared at the document in front of her. She read it thrice before confirming the date. This had been written four months before Emily had left. So, her mother had received this assessment while still living with her husband and child. Lucille lifted her head to look at Cedar. “I knew that she was weak, but I didn't think that she was actually ill. But...to be honest, the name of this sickness doesn't ring a bell with me.” So, she didn't have to expect the worst.
Cedar's faint smile quickly made her reconsider though. “This illness is rather rare. Few people have it, and even fewer are actually able to determine that this is what caused problems for them. Apparently, most doctors aren't even aware of it, so it isn't odd that only one was able to detect that your mother had it. As you can see here, the doctor signed this twelve years ago, and back then, our knowledge was even more limited. I can't say that we know much more now, but at least we understand the gist of it.”
Lucille balled her hands in her lap. She hadn't known that her mother was seriously ill. If she had known, she could have tried to help a bit. But thinking about that now didn't change much. She found herself asking in a weak voice anyway. “What does that illness do?”
Cedar was silent for a moment before he replied. “As I said, it is very rare, and it affects patients differently, so it's hard to summarize it. But there are some common symptoms. It doesn't harm you in the beginning, and once you notice that you have it, it's too late. It is not the same, but it seems to be similar to the illness Father had.”
No...
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Lucille remembered hearing her lover talk about that. Cedar had told her that his father had been bound to the bed while basically rotting away. “So...you mean that it's...deadly.”
“Father's illness was deadly. Once one has that, it is impossible to recover. Medicine can prolong the patient's life, but the sickness will remain. But the illness your mother has is not the same. Not completely at least. This alone will not kill anyone.” That sounded good at first.
But Lucille only needed to think about the words her lover had used, and it became clear that this wasn't a nice message at all. “Alone? So...it's still lethal?”
Cedar grabbed her hand and interlinked their fingers while stroking over the back of his hand with her thumb. Maybe he tried to calm her while giving her the bad news. “Indirectly, yes. At least we have to assume that. It weakens the body over time. Along with physical weakness, the muscles of the concerned person will get weaker with time as well, so the patient will probably fight to even stand. Other sicknesses will end up being much harsher because of that too. The patient will barely be able to recover, and with each year, it will get worse. In the end, some little cold can be deadly. Of course, this doesn't mean that someone that has this illness will definitely die, but I didn't find a single case of someone with this sickness living as long as one would normally expect them to.” So, it was deadly but in the most painful way.
Getting weaker with each day while knowing that a mere cold could kill you had to be depressing.
But that made leaving a noble house even less logical. If Emily had been so weak and sensitive to other illnesses, should she not have tried to live inside a noble estate? Even if she hadn't wanted to stay with her husband and daughter, she could have considered moving to some relatives. But no one knew where she was, so it seemed that she had truly decided to start a new life somewhere. Most likely, she was living in a village or city, where many more illnesses circulated than in an enclosed noble mansion. Why would she do that?
Lucille hadn't understood her mother before, and now she didn't understand either. She only knew that Emily had been sick, but many more questions arose now. If her mother had this illness that killed her over time, was it even logical to assume that Emily was fine?
Lucille remained silent for a moment. She squeezed her lover's hand while trying to gather the thoughts in her head. She took a few seconds before she dared to speak. “Twelve years passed. It... It's been a long time. Do you think that...” Her voice cracked in the middle. She had to force herself to continue. “That she is still...” She couldn't bring herself to finish this time either.
Thankfully, Cedar had understood what this was about. “Most likely, your mother is still alive. I don't have a guarantee, but I presume that she is still able to write letters at least. The letters she sent you could have been prepared years ago, so we can't confirm it with this. But your father still exchanges letters with her. She replies to events he mentions, so it seems that those weren't prepared in advance. But I can't tell whether your mother truly is the person writing the letters. Someone could have stolen her identity too. Or she asked someone to pretend to be her.” It wasn't surprising that he had gone through enough letters to confirm the dates.
Lucille hadn't thought about that while they had been in her father's office. She had only been shocked at the fact that Emily still wrote letters to the man she had divorced. Lucille had been convinced that her mother tried to run away from Raymond after all. Seemingly, that hadn't been it, and now she had to try to fit Emily's illness into this story. Lucille lifted her free hand to her head and massaged her temples.
A few seconds passed before Cedar spoke up again. “I know that this is a bit sudden. I'm sorry.”
She shook her head. “It's...not your fault. Thank you for telling me.” Her head felt like she was spinning. Maybe it hadn't been a good idea to do this without a warning, but even a warning couldn't have softened this blunt impact. She had spent years assuming that her mother had run away freely to live a long and happy life. Now she had found out that Emily might be dead already. “I...can't believe it.”
Cedar took her hand in between his and caressed her fingers while he replied. “You know... I have some connections. I can confirm how she is doing. I would only need a few days to find her.” It was tempting.
For a single second, Lucille considered accepting. But then she remembered the whole situation. She quickly changed her mind then. “No.” She had finally reached a normal volume again, and after that, she was much quieter already. “It's fine. If she doesn't want to be found, we shouldn't bother her. And if she is dead...” Saying that hurt. Even if she hadn't seen her mother in so long, thinking about her being dead felt awful. Lucille pressed her lips together in an attempt to keep herself from crying. She barely managed to hold back and quickly distracted herself. “What do the letters say?” If her parents had exchanged letters about this, she wanted to know what they had discussed.
Cedar patted her hand once more before he replied. “It seems that your father wrote a letter about this. Do you want to read it?”
She would like to. But tears were pricking in her eyes, and her sight blurred already. “Can you summarize it for me?” She almost cried just because speaking had brought her closer to the edge already.
Cedar nodded at her before he lowered his gaze onto the paper in his hand. He began speaking a moment later. “Your father wrote her a letter first. Since this was in his office, we can assume that it was the draft that he wrote before sending a second copy. He never addressed the issue directly, but he kept on talking about her condition, which refers to her illness. At first, he asked how she is and whether she needed help with anything. Then he mentioned the monthly rates he pays her and that he could give her more to help with the costs of her treatment. He also offered to pay for the whole treatment in general. It seems like she refused that offer multiple times, but he insisted that it would be stupid to keep declining.”
It was surprising that Raymond handed away money freely. Normally, he was the type of person to hoard money and rarely bought anything. Few exceptions had suggested something different, so it was odd for him to offer money to someone who had declined already.
And it was even stranger for Emily to refuse. Why would she not want money when she was sick and completely dependent on sources of income that wouldn't force her to work? It made no sense.
Lucille glanced over at the paper. This was not her father's handwriting. So, Leon had probably copied everything. The date suggested that this was years old. Lucille couldn't force herself to look away even when she saw the last lines that had been crossed out multiple times. Had Leon corrected a mistake or imitated the original?
Cedar spoke in a gentle voice as if he wanted to keep her from getting upset and carefully explained what he was reading. “Your father also wrote something about you and how you spend most of your time in the annex. About how you read as much as she did and that you look more like her with each passing day. He mentioned how your lessons progressed and things like that. He also admitted that you missed her. But the end is probably what made him reconsider sending this letter. He crossed out these lines, but you could still read them if you put in some effort. He offered your mother that she could move back in even if they were divorced. He said that she could have the whole annex to herself and that he wouldn't ever set foot inside if she didn't want him there. Apparently, he didn't have the confidence to send this though.”
So, Emily and Raymond had still been amicable enough to write about their personal life and about what their daughter was doing. He had even offered to let her move back in, so he couldn't have held a grudge against her.
And yet, Emily hadn't even visited a single time. No one would have held it against her if she refused to live with the man she had left again. But she could have shown her face once or twice.
Lucille closed her eyes for a moment. She refused to open them while tears were beginning to form. She focused on staying quiet and not sobbing out loud, even though hearing about this felt as if small daggers were piercing her skin.
Paper rustling sounded before Cedar spoke again. “Do you want to take a break? Your mother's letter is much longer, but there is less to say about it. There aren't many important things here. So, if you want to-”
Lucille shook her head, and he stopped himself so that she could reply. “Tell me. I want to get it over with. Please.”
Cedar almost seemed like he hesitated for a moment. He stroked over the side of her face while giving her a chance to change her mind. When she didn't speak, he opened his mouth again. “Your mother promised that she is fine and that she is just getting used to the new house she is in. Apparently, she has someone who brings her groceries, so she doesn't need any help. She also said that the money she receives is more than enough. Then she asked how you were and said that she was proud of you. She wrote something about a gift and asked whether it arrived. She continued like this for quite a while before it becomes more serious.”
Lucille already braced herself for that. No matter what would follow, it would not make her happy. So, she shouldn't let down her guard, but she forced herself to open her eyes anyway.
Cedar lowered the letter while he looked at her. He was silent for a moment before he spoke up again. “As I said, you can treat this illness. But that won't make it disappear. It will just allow the person to stay healthy for a bit longer. This treatment can be very time-consuming and expensive since it demands valuable medicine that is rarely sold. Since even that will not change much in the end, your mother insisted that they could save the money. She didn't want the treatment.”
That was stupid. The Valerian family had more than enough money to pay for someone's sickness. Lucille wasn't sure how difficult it would get to buy such medicine, but Raymond was good with negotiations. He would have gotten it some way. There had never been a reason to refuse that help. If it could give Emily a chance to live longer, why wouldn't she accept it?
Cedar waited for a moment to give Lucille a break. He only continued when she looked at him. “She wrote about the possibility of visiting you after that.”
Lucille's heart thumped in her chest. She tensed while being completely still. She couldn't afford to miss this. “Yes?”
Cedar gave her a little smile, but it was very faint. “It seems that she was against it. She reasoned that it was better for you not to remember your mother than to live with the grief of losing her afterward. And she reminded your father of two things. The first one was that she had disappeared because of a reason. She said that it was better to leave instead of staying and forcing you to watch as she decayed and got weaker with each day. And then she reminded him of his promise. Apparently, your father swore not to tell you about this. That might be why he showed you the letters without actually being able to say anything.”
Lucille felt like the last string of her patience snapped at that. “It's better not to remember my mother?” She sounded so bitter that she herself was surprised. But she didn't have any chance to ponder about that when she already began bawling.
Cedar only took a second to wrap his arms around her so that he could pull her close.
She gladly accepted that and hugged him back. She didn't try to hold back her sobs this time, even if it felt like they were tearing out her throat. It was painful, and she was devastated. Of course. After all, her mother had left her.
But right now, Lucille's fury was outweighing all of that.
This was ridiculous. It was absolutely ridiculous. There were so many flaws in her mother's logic that it hurt. How could Emily assume her six-year-old daughter would forget her when she left? There was no way. And why did she still send letters when her alleged goal was being forgotten? Why did Emily see being abandoned by your mother as a better fate than watching her die? And then she just ran away to hide away in some house in the city and waited for her death there while refusing treatment? What had been going on inside Emily's head? None of this made any sense.
Maybe this was what Raymond had been referring to. He had said that he would have understood if his wife had disappeared for obvious reasons, like his exaggerated anger and his tendency to lash out. But he had claimed that Emily had had a strange reason to leave.
If this was it, Lucille agreed with him. She couldn't understand this either.
Nothing Emily had written made sense. How could she claim to care for her daughter while leaving her behind without a word? And then she had just hoped that Lucille would forget her? How laughable. Maybe finding out about this reason hadn't been so good after all. It certainly hadn't made things better.