Lucille's heart pounded as loudly as it hadn't in a while as she stepped into the corridor with her father. She wasn't sure what to expect from a conversation like this. She weighed her options while she walked after her father.
Raymond didn't go far. He only followed Leonard until they reached a small sitting room. Apparently, they were allowed to use that one since Raymond went inside after the empress nodded.
Lucille followed him while waving back to the empress, who waited by the door for some reason. She closed the door before moving to the center of the room.
Her father stood by the window. He had his back turned to her and stared outside. For a moment, it was completely silent. One could even hear the slight rustling of the trees outside whenever a breeze of wind came. The atmosphere inside the room was strange. It didn't feel like Raymond was hostile nor was he happy about something.
Lucille wasn't even sure how she should feel about that. The silence went on for a while, but it wasn't unbearable.
At some point, Raymond spoke up. “I do not want you to repeat what His Majesty told you. I don't want you to think about any rumors or that what you did could force you into anything. I don't want you to consider what an influential marriage is like either. None of that matters. I want you to tell me what you imagine your life to be like. You are young, but I know that you can discern whether you are pursuing a short-lived passion or whether this is something that truly makes you happy. Please answer honestly without worrying about what I would say.” A few seconds passed before Raymond slowly turned around. His expression was almost blank, but his slight frown was still there. His gray eyes were the same as always, but the look in them seemed much less like the cold glare that his daughter had known for years. When he spoke, his voice didn't sound as demanding either. “Do you want to be princess consort?”
Lucille should have expected that question. But still, hearing it out loud made her nervous. Her heart skipped a beat, and the familiar tingling in her stomach made her feel like she was nauseous. What did she want? Did she want to be part of the royal family and be the center of attention? No. She didn't want that.
But did she want to hold Cedar's hand and accompany him as his wife? Did she want to hug him and tell him that she loved him, her husband? Yes, she did. Maybe it felt like this was a bit sudden, but actually, that didn't matter.
Lucille couldn't know, but she was sure that her feelings wouldn't change. She loved Cedar, and she wouldn't just forget that overnight. Her feelings for him had only grown for the past nine months, so why would it change now? The only question was whether Raymond would be fine with that answer. Lucille stared at her father and opened her mouth, only to hesitate. But then she looked at him again.
Raymond didn't expect a specific answer. She knew what his expression looked like when he was waiting for her to agree to what he had said without giving her the slightest chance to refuse. Right now, her father didn't demand a decision in his favor. And he had told her that he wanted her to be happy, right? Then she should at least have the courage to tell him what she saw as her happiness.
Lucille's voice was a bit hoarse and quiet while she replied. “I don't want that title.” Being the prince consort mattered little to her. “This is not what this is about. But I...love Cedar. I have no clue whether this will last, but I feel like it will. I love him, so I want to stay by his side. I wouldn't mind...” That sounded like she just accepted what others had told her. But that wasn't it. She wanted this. So, she needed to say it out loud too. “I would like to be his wife. Not because I can be a part of the royal family but because I love him. Being by his side makes me happy.” Even if Cedar needed to agree first before they came to a conclusion here.
Once again, it was silent for a moment. Then her father replied. “Then there isn't much to discuss, is there? You wouldn't lie about things like this. If you are sure about this, it should be fine. His Royal Highness has been with you for nine months. If he wished to hurt you, he would have messed up already.” He still seemed like he was aloof, as always, but his voice was much weaker than normal.
Lucille almost couldn't believe it. Her father hadn't criticized her decision nor had he told her that she was doing well by finding a powerful husband. He was just accepting what she said. And his main concern was whether Cedar was nice to her. “Cedar has never once treated me unkindly. He was always gentle and affectionate. And he saved my life twice now. And more often than that without me noticing it, I think. He and I...” It felt like this was special. To Lucille, this was the only romance she had known, but that didn't mean that it felt less wonderful to her. She was sure that this was true love. “We love each other. So, marrying Cedar would be a gift.”
Raymond remained silent for a few seconds, which almost made her think that she had said something that upset him. But his expression didn't twist with fury. He just kept staring at his daughter before he spoke up at some point. “Please don't forget one thing.” He was even quieter now. Hearing that confident man speaking with so much uncertainty was odd. “No decision you could make now will trap you for the rest of your life. If you ever need to leave, we will get you out of the palace immediately. There is no need for you to worry about any of this, even if there is an emergency. Nothing that is decided can't be undone. If it ever becomes necessary, don't hesitate to discuss a divorce. I will help you in any case.” Those were oddly supportive words.
Lucille still didn't dare to hope. Wasn't this too easy then? If her father agreed and the royal couple didn't complain, merely Cedar's reply was missing, and they could get engaged. Then it would be possible for Lucille to become his wife. That thought was almost ridiculous. Lucille slowly realized what this actually meant and felt how blood rushed to her face. She weakly nodded at her father while she lifted her hands to her cheeks to hide them.
Unsurprisingly, Raymond noticed that. He was tense despite the relaxing conversation. He didn't get angry, but he still averted his eyes and gazed outside again. He said something that he probably had only wanted to mumble to himself. “I know that we discussed this already, but I didn't think that it would be so soon.”
Lucille hadn't either. Discussing the option of marriage had made it feel like that would be far away, even back when her father had told her to search for a rich husband. Even Cedar's first suggestion of marriage had been unreal to her. But right now, it actually seemed like they might decide on an engagement. That would lead to Lucille officially becoming a member of the royal family as the second prince's fiancé. And it would make it obvious that Cedar and she were in a relationship. That part didn't sound too bad. After all, people might understand that Cedar was taken then. People like Lady Peril, who still didn't know that she would have to give up. And Lucille would be able to happily announce that she was his lover, at least if she had the necessary confidence by then.
Lucille interlocked her fingers in front of her while trying to do something aside from standing there and staring at her father. She had expected to argue, and now that hadn't happened. But she wouldn't complain about that. She was happy if her father allowed her to do what she liked. Just mentioning a divorce proved that he would support her more than she could have imagined a year ago. But maybe he had just said that because he knew that a divorce could cause some serious trouble.
Emily had never made an appearance in noble society again after divorcing her husband.
That thought made Lucille freeze. Her mother had divorced someone too, and that might be why her father told her this. Just this much was enough to direct her thoughts to another subject. She remembered the small box with the letters without wanting to. She had received them a week ago and still hadn't decided what to do with them. Right now, the box sat in the drawer of her nightstand. This subject made her much more tense than before.
Lucille slowly began playing with her fingers while she pondered whether to mention it. On the one hand, it might be nice to avoid a topic that would inevitably dampen the mood. But then again, she at least wanted to know one thing. She opened her mouth, only to close it again.
Apparently, Raymond had watched her from the corner of her eyes since he turned to her when she did that. He met her gaze and replied with a single word. “Yes?”
Lucille would have liked to turn back time now. She didn't want to mention it like this. But now it was too late. She wouldn't be able to come up with something else now, so she had to be honest. “Father. About the letters...”
Raymond averted his eyes. That was sudden and extremely unusual for the person who had used to make his daughter look away in fear.
But that only gave Lucille the necessary courage to speak again. “Did you send them on purpose?” Her voice was so quiet that she feared that he hadn't heard her.
But Raymond had understood what she had said. He still didn't meet her gaze while he replied in a just as uncertain voice. “Yes. I...didn't want to give them to you before. Because I wasn't sure how you would react. But you're old enough, so...” His voice trailed off.
That was enough to make Lucille understand what had been going on. This was all she needed. She wouldn't inquire more about her mother nor would she blame him for keeping the letters hidden. “I see.”
Seconds of silence passed before Raymond spoke again. This time, he was even quieter than before. “I'm sorry for hiding them.” It felt odd. Her father had never apologized in the past. Now he had done it a few times already. It still didn't seem right for some reason. Especially not when he said it in such a broken voice.
Lucille opened her mouth and closed it again while trying to find the words to say. She took a moment before she forced out her voice. “It's fine. I actually have to thank you. If I had gotten them when I was younger, I wouldn't have taken it so well.” She hadn't taken it well now either, but at least she hadn't had a complete mental breakdown. Still, she had been extremely upset with her mother and Emily's idea of writing one letter each year to make up for her absence. But that wasn't her father's fault. Even if her parents had divorced because of his behavior, it had been her mother's decision not to see her.
Raymond looked like he was taken aback by her response. He just stared at his daughter for a moment before he turned his head away again. “I see.” After that, it was silent again.
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Lucille would have liked to say something, but what? The longer the silence went on, the stranger it would be for her to suddenly speak up. She wasn't even able to come up with something that her father needed to hear.
A moment passed without either one of them opening their mouth or moving.
Then Raymond turned to his daughter again. “I think this concludes the matter of an engagement. Please think about whether you are sure one more time, for your sake. And speak about this with His Royal Highness. If you...do sign a contract, let me go through it along with a lawyer first. I will make sure that no strange extra paragraphs are hidden anywhere. But I think that we don't need to go that far at the moment. For now, we will just...let you speak to the man you may end up marrying. I will give you some privacy for that. I shall return home now.” It seemed like he didn't want to stay much longer. That might not just be connected to the talk about an engagement.
Lucille understood that. When she spoke about her mother, she always felt strange too. “Alright.” Her voice was a bit uncertain while she said that, and she had to swallow before she could continue. “Then...I will bring you to your carriage.”
Raymond replied while he strode to the door. “That will not be necessary, but I thank you for the offer. Please do-” He cut himself off when he opened the door and spotted someone outside. “Please do enjoy the rest of the day.” He spoke to the person outside then. “I wish you a wonderful afternoon too, Your Majesty. May you have a relaxing day, Your Royal Highness. Goodbye, Lord Astame.” He received responses from all three people before he gazed at Lucille again. “Have a nice day, Lucille. Goodbye.”
Lucille lifted her hand to wave while she replied. “Goodbye, Father. Please visit soon again.” She could barely focus on Raymond when she had heard Cedar's voice just now and knew that she would have to face him. Just minutes after she had announced that she would like to be his wife.
Raymond was silent for a moment before he nodded. Then he disappeared from her field of view as he walked down the corridor.
In return, someone else stepped into the doorway. Cedar's smile was much wider than she had expected it to be. It seemed rather fake. He wasn't in a good mood. Still, Cedar was ready for a conversation. He came into the room and walked toward her directly. Then he stopped a few steps in front of her. “Hello. Did everything go well with your father?” It seemed like he didn't know how to address the topic in another way.
Lucille forced herself to give him a little smile. “Everything was fine. There isn't much to...” She could tell him that she had said that she wanted to be his wife, but even the thought of that threatened to make her blush, so she pushed it away.
Cedar normally would have picked up on that to make fun of her, but today, he didn't. He just smiled at her and spoke after a short pause. “That's good. I was a bit worried, but the empress and Leon stood in front of the door to guard you anyway. Still, I'm happy to hear that they didn't need to interfere.” He paused and stared at her for a few seconds before he resumed. “My brother overdid it a bit. I'm sorry if it made you feel uncomfortable.” He probably hadn't meant to sound so cheerful while saying that, but it only proved that he was very upset.
Lucille quickly shook her head. “No, I was fine with it. He didn't say anything bad. He just...told us that there was an option.”
Cedar let out a small huff before he replied. “Well, he was pretty nosy today. Normally, he isn't like that, but he aims to make...Mother mad at every opportunity.” He seemed like he had changed his mind about what he wanted to say in the middle here. “That is why he couldn't help but propose this. Mother would completely lose her temper if she heard that we got engaged.” He couldn't hide the fact that his smile widened while he said this. He was upset with Theodore addressing this topic. And knowing that stung a little.
Lucille could only imagine one reason why Cedar wouldn't like to talk about an engagement with her. He wasn't sure whether they should do it. But he had been the one proposing it weeks ago. So, the unwillingness to marry shouldn't make him reluctant here, right? Or was it because he had changed his mind?
Lucille already knew that she would cry if she received a yes as a response here, but she couldn't help asking. She wanted to be sure. She looked down and opened her mouth thrice, only to close it again. When she finally whispered her question, her voice was much quieter than it should have been. “Do...you dislike the thought of marrying me?” After she said that, she tensed and almost didn't dare to look up to receive a response.
When she lifted her gaze, Cedar already stood right in front of her. He was quieter than usual too, but his missing smile was the greater concern. “No.” He paused for a moment and continued in a dejected tone that broke her heart. “I dislike the thought of forcing you to marry me.” The disdain in his voice as he said that last word was enough to prove that he was referring to himself as the problem here. That stung more than her previous assumption.
The words came much quicker to Lucille this time. “You aren't forcing me in any way! I love you. Cedar, I wouldn't be with you if I felt like I was...required to do this. I really love you and care for you. So, don't phrase it like being with you would be bad for me. I am happy with you.” She hadn't wanted to move, but she couldn't help it. She walked to her lover and put her arms around him.
It only took a moment before Cedar hugged her back. He looked like he barely wanted to make eye contact with her, but he kept meeting her gaze. For a moment, he hesitated and just showed her his honest expression without a smile. He looked like he was conflicted and worried, which made him seem much more vulnerable than normal. His voice sounded hoarse when he replied. “You saw it already. You caught a glimpse of what my life was like. You wouldn't be fine living like that. You shouldn't have to. This is...” He stopped for a moment and closed his eyes. “This is too unfair for you. I messed up when I first said that it was fine without thinking about it twice. Because no matter how much effort I put into it, it won't erase the past. My mother is still here and will target you for another few months until she is done for. I'm still known as the prince that committed treason, and you would automatically be connected with that if we got married. And you noticed how I am by now too. I can't open up to others, and when bad things happen, I will stand there and still smile. Being with me caused you so many issues.”
Issues only he seemed to see. And the reason was obvious.
Lucille only knew what his mother had told him from the times she had stood next to him. But if Camille had truly told her son that no one could love him aside from her and that he would never receive anyone's affection ever since he had been young, those words had inevitably influenced him.
And even now it seemed like Cedar believed a part of what he had been told. He acted like his presence only caused problems for others when most of these issues were only based on Camille's actions or her lies. He wasn't very fond of himself, but his reasoning certainly could be proven to be wrong within a few seconds. In reality, Cedar was not as cruel as he saw himself.
Lucille opened her mouth as soon as she managed to choke down a few mean words that were directed at Camille. “You never created problems for me. The only thing you did was protect me and enrich my life. I could never have believed that I would fall in love just like that. I wasn't happy before we met, but now I'm looking forward to each day that we can enjoy together. Now I can imagine a life that is filled with people I care about and not just some fake family that was pushed together by an arranged marriage. Now I don't want to imagine anything else anymore. I...” She was lucky that she was rather emotional right now, or she wouldn't have dared to voice this. “I want to be with you. Every other option sounds horrible. Do...you want to be with me?” She wasn't sure why she had said that, but it seemed to have brought across her point to some extent.
Cedar tightened his hold on her. He opened his eyes and looked down at her as he whispered his response. “Of course. You know that I...fell for you. If I marry someone, it has to be you, but...I want you to be happy, and I want to be at your side. But if those two things rule each other out, I can't...” He scanned her expression while a little smile formed on his lips. It was easy to see that he held back, but he was feeling unwell, and his bright smile threatened to cover that up again. “I need you to be sure about this. Because I won't be able to change completely even if I want to. There will be some traces of what...what I experienced as a child. I won't be able to get rid of all of the little things that make me seem like an insane person to everyone around me. Not that I was ever sane in the first place.”
Lucille truly didn't know where she got the confidence from, but she was glad that she had it since she needed to respond. She stood as close to Cedar as possible while looking up at him with small tears in her eyes. “You aren't insane. Having psychological problems because of your childhood doesn't make you insane. You are a wonderful person, and you don't need to change a thing to be more like others. Of course, I want you to be happy and hope that you can forget the horrible things that woman did a bit more with each day. But I won't demand it from you. I don't want you to change to be a different person. I love you, so it's you whom I want by my side.”
Cedar looked at her, and his eyes told her everything. There were so many things going on inside his head. But it seemed like he wasn't thinking about his own wishes much. He took a deep breath before he replied in a low whisper. “You will have to accept a lot of disadvantages if you are with me.”
“I don't see any disadvantages. And even if there are some, none of those would weigh more than a chance to have you in my life. I adore you. I love you with my whole heart. So, I want to be with you. Not just for a few weeks but for as long as I can.”
Cedar tensed a little. He didn't need to say much, but it was clear that those words had meant a lot to him. “I...” He lowered his head so that his forehead rested against hers. He was even quieter than before when he continued. “If you promise this now...” He didn't finish that sentence, and he didn't have to.
Lucille slowly let her arms wander up his back so that she could put them around his neck. Her response was obvious. It was the same she had given when he had said something similar after she asked him to be in a relationship with him. “I know. Then you won't let go anymore, right?”
Cedar replied without hesitation. “Yes. I...get attached. It's over already, but...I wanted to give you one more chance.” Of course, he wanted to be compassionate.
Lucille moved her head a bit to create enough space to look into his eyes. “Getting attached is normal when you love someone. I'm attached to you too. That's why I want to stay with you. And if you want me with you, that is the best that can happen to us. Please hold onto me because I love you too.” She already knew that those had been the right words because of her lover's expression.
Cedar's little fake smile had disappeared, so her response had left some kind of impression. He didn't wait long before he closed the little distance between their faces and kissed her. He was even gentler than usual.
Lucille gladly returned the kiss and enjoyed being in his arms. Even when a few seconds passed, she happily stayed like that. It felt like she was closer to Cedar in an emotional sense while they kissed, and she loved every second of it. She was sure that he felt it too. She could swear that she felt a heavy breath come from him. But when she pulled back to look at him, she didn't find any signs of that.
Instead, Cedar just gave her a little genuine smile while he gazed at her. “My lover.” He whispered that and leaned forward to kiss her cheek again. Then he returned to just watching her. At least for a few seconds before he turned to the door. “Privacy doesn't seem to be a known word here. Did you stalk us for long enough now, or will you watch for another hour? And you can't even do it quietly?”
Lucille whipped her head to the side and froze when she saw Blanche and Leonard in the doorway. She hadn't closed the door, and Cedar hadn't either. Great. She felt blood rushing to her head in an instant.
For a moment, it was quiet since the spectators refused to reply.
Cedar quickly added something while his gaze fell onto the empress. “Are you seriously crying?”
Blanche blinked a few times and fanned herself some air. “I'm not. It's just...” She was quite obviously sentimental and in the middle of crying. But it seemed like she wouldn't admit that and spoke as if her voice wasn't hoarse. “You two are much too cute. You truly belong to one another. I'm so happy that you met. We didn't eavesdrop, by the way.” She wiped her allegedly nonexistent tears away.
Cedar scanned that for a moment before he gazed at his lover again. “If you say so. I can't believe it. The empress of Artias shouldn't be so emotional, or there might be problems during audiences.” His normal smile was already back, and he quickly returned to a much more cheerful tone while he spoke to the people by the door. “So. How do you explain that you watched us for the past five minutes? Are your lives that boring?” It seemed like he had built up his facade once again and was already covering up all the cracks.
That was fine. It was just how Cedar was. But it had definitely gotten better. He had probably known that those people were close, and he had spoken to Lucille anyway. He was still hiding a lot, but he didn't swallow all of his emotions anymore.
Lucille slowly got to see more of his vulnerable side, and that was wonderful. Because she could see that he relaxed around others and especially around her. He trusted her, and that was why he could be like this in front of her. Then it would be her turn to pay him back for this trust by protecting his vulnerable side. She would need to remind him that he was loved every single day.
Until he finally understood that being with him didn't make her unhappy but that it did the exact opposite.