Lucille had been convinced that Cedar would finally stop smiling when she caught a glimpse of his serious expression during the duel. But as soon as he had lowered his sword, his bright grin had come back so quickly that it was easy to see that he was fuming. She had a general idea of why that had been the case too.
Still, she had tried to stay quiet to allow Cedar to deal with it himself to avoid getting involved in matters that didn't concern her. However, when they arrived at the doctor's office, and he still acted like he was about to lock himself in his room to fume in private, she decided that she would have to do something.
“Cedar?” Lucille didn't even wait for a response and just made eye contact with him before continuing. “Will you please stay a little while longer? I don't want to be alone yet. And I need help with my medicine.” The last part was a lie, but he would probably listen even if he knew that. She just looked at him with round eyes and hoped that she would be able to convince him. “Please?”
Cedar hesitated for a moment. “I don't think-” He cut himself off when she folded her hands and looked at him for even longer. Then he let out a deep breath. “Alright. Then I shall stay here for a few more minutes. I will mix your drink.” With that, he walked over to the dresser and pulled out the pack of pills before retrieving a glass of water from the neighboring room. He put the pill in and added some other things the doctor had recommended before setting the glass onto the nightstand so that the pill could dissolve. Then it looked like he wanted to sit on the chair next to the bed.
Lucille had a better idea though. She patted the spot next to her on her mattress. That earned her a skeptical look, but she was successful.
Cedar sat down next to her, and she moved a bit closer so that their shoulders touched.
Lucille quickly began. “You know... It shows when you are unhappy. I saw that as soon as we arrived at the training grounds. Do you want to talk about it?”
Cedar was silent for a moment before he replied in a calm voice. “Talking about it won't change a thing since there is no issue at all. I'm used to the knights' useless pranks. There is no need for you to worry. I'm perfectly fine. It has just been a while since I dueled someone.” That excuse was so obvious that he probably knew that she wouldn't believe it.
Lucille sat there quietly while asking herself whether it was a good idea to pry into this. She had to gather some courage before carefully speaking up. “Keeping silent is not always the best option. Talking does change a lot because you can share your feelings with someone. I know that you...aren't the type to speak openly about things like this. But I also know that there always is a first. Maybe it would be good for you to start talking about what goes on inside your head. Just so that you can calm down a bit.” She wasn't sure what he was thinking when she said that. She looked up at him and was met with an unreadable look.
Cedar scanned her expression for a while before replying. “To be honest, it annoys me that Theodore suddenly decided to do the same thing I already did for almost two decades. I feel like he just wants to take the one skill I am known for. I know that he probably didn't do it on purpose, but that doesn't make it much more pleasant for me. And now? How is me admitting that I can't help but be annoyed when seeing my perfect older brother, who has everything one could dream about, going to benefit me? I don't think that there is much that will change because of this. Only one thing may be different. Do you think I'm pitiful now?” He said that in a tone that sounded as if he was making fun of himself. It was unpleasant to hear that.
Lucille quickly shook her head. “Not at all. Why would you be pitiful? It's true that you lived through some horrible things, but that didn't break you down. You are a good person, and I am convinced that you can move forward from here on. You are so much more than just your abilities with a sword. And even if His Majesty is good as well, you won't become any worse because of that. There is always someone who is better at something, but that doesn't have to bring you down.” She felt a bit strange when she said that.
Her self-confidence was pretty small, so she probably shouldn't try to advise someone on how they should be more proud of their accomplishments. But she couldn't help wanting to assist Cedar when he was feeling unwell.
The prince turned his gaze to the window in front of them. It seemed like he was just blankly staring at it without truly seeing anything. “You know that this is easier said than done, right? I've been told to view things a little differently ever since I was a child. As the son of the emperor, you don't get a positive response when you fail. You always need to be good, and even then, you don't get praised. It's expected of you to do well. And when there is someone who always seems to succeed no matter what he does right in front of you, your standards will increase as well. You will demand more of yourself and only end up being disappointed because you can never be as good as you want to be.”
Maybe Lucille knew something a little similar. She had never wanted to be like her father, but she had admired one of his traits ever since she had been a child. He was so confident that his presence would never be ignored when he entered a discussion. She had always told herself that she would try to become even a little like that. She had planned on telling Raymond that she hated all of his plans and that she wouldn't listen to him for the rest of her life.
Of course, she hadn't ever seriously considered doing it though. In the end, she had never even tried to change a bit of herself because she had realized that she would never be able to confront her father after one failed attempt. This obviously wasn't the same as Cedar's case, but she understood why he felt like he was cornered.
She knew what it felt like to be trapped in a world she didn't like too. Maybe that was why she desperately wanted to comfort Cedar.
Lucille wasn't sure how to do that, so she leaned her head onto his shoulder and waited for his reaction. From this angle, he shouldn't be able to see her face, which was good since she was already blushing furiously again. Why was she making this awkward again by touching him like this? Cedar wasn't close enough to her to want this, so hugging him out of the blue would probably upset him. He was still a member of the royal family, which made something like this inappropriate and almost insulting.
But Cedar didn't push her away, so she left her head there, even though she felt like her face was burning.
Her voice was hoarse when she tried to speak, but she managed to reply in a volume that was a bit louder. “You don't have to compare yourself to him the whole time. I know that sounds stupid when it comes from me. But I felt like you may have needed to hear this. Your life has nothing to do with His Majesty's. You don't always need to be on edge and try to beat him. Even if I have no idea what your childhood truly was like, I can tell you this much. You have your own life. You don't need to think about what he does the whole time.” She regretted saying that as soon as the words left her mouth.
She probably sounded like a hypocrite. After all, she got involved without really knowing anything about his past. Cedar had grown up with those problems. Her telling him this was the same as him telling her to stop being scared of her father. Neither of them would be able to change in the blink of an eye, and that was all too obvious. They didn't have much of a choice but to try to slowly move forward, but she knew how hard that was. Telling Cedar to forget about his past was ridiculous.
Lucille quickly added something else in an attempt to keep him from getting angry. “I know that I have no idea what I'm talking about here. It's just that I don't want you to be hurt. It may take a while, but at some point, it would be nice if you could believe that there is no need to compete with anyone. I'm sorry if saying that made me sound too insolent and arrogant. I know that I cannot even imagine what you lived like until now, but...” She didn't even know how to justify it.
What was she to Cedar? What gave her the right to say things like this to him? He would get angry now, she was convinced of that.
At least she had been until Cedar moved. He leaned his head to the side as well, so that it touched hers. “You really are strange, you know that? When we met, you barely dared to say anything, and now you talk so much that you trip over your own words.”
Lucille hadn't even noticed that. She had been so absorbed in saying as much as possible so that he would understand what she was thinking. “I'm...sorry.”
Cedar responded in a tone that sounded a bit more cheerful than before again. “No, it's cute. I like your voice. You can gladly tell me as much as you want to. You can even tell me things I would have gotten angry about if others had said them. It's a bit strange, but I guess that must be because I like you.” He didn't seem to have the slightest clue what these words did to her.
Lucille froze in place and could only try to calm her pounding heart. It was so loud that she feared that he might hear it, but she didn't want to move away to hide it either. What was she supposed to say when a response like this came? That was ridiculous. If she was a bit less awkward, maybe she could have accepted this as a nice compliment. But no, her head had to make it sound odd. “I...” She couldn't even say that one word without stuttering. “Thank you. I...like you too.” She felt like her heart might explode if she continued like this. But she couldn't help it.
Letting go now would be like giving up all the intimacy she had built up with Cedar. Though she wasn't sure whether she could go on like this much longer, moving away and thus showing him how she looked right now was impossible. After all, her face probably blended in nicely with her hair at the moment. So, she'd rather leave her head right here.
For a while, the both of them were silent, and she was glad that Cedar didn't seem to be upset. Then he moved without a warning. He lifted his head and leaned forward to pick up the glass from the nightstand. “I think you need to drink this now, or we might forget it.”
Lucille quickly took it from him to avoid eye contact and hurried to gulp down the water. When she was done, she lowered her gaze and handed the glass to him again. “Thank you.” She would probably become really tired in a few minutes thanks to one of the ingredients in the medicine mix. So, she had to use the last moments to calm down before Cedar stood up and saw her face. But that was easier said than done when his words were still repeating in her mind over and over again.
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Luckily, Cedar didn't seem to notice what kind of effect he had on her. He remained in his position without saying anything, and he fortunately also didn't turn to look at her face. A short while passed with the both of them just quietly waiting for something to happen. But at some point, the prince glanced over at her. “You usually get tired when you drink this, right? Should I leave?”
By now, Lucille truly felt like she was slowly losing consciousness. She still had some time, but it would be better for Cedar to leave before she started to nod off. At least she told herself that, but one glance at his face made her reconsider.
He was still upset. It showed on his face without him needing to say anything. He was dejected, angry and disappointed at the same time, which formed the most radiant smile one could imagine on his face. His fury was understandable to some extent. If someone had grown up in his position, they would probably envy Theodore as well. After all, the prince and the emperor had always been rivals, which meant that this duel had been personal.
Lucille knew that this wasn't her business at all, but she couldn't send him away like this. She would have to stop him. So, she spoke up before thinking. “Please stay here.” She only realized what that sounded like after she said it. Who asked someone else to be in the room while they would go to sleep? Cedar wasn't her parent who needed to take care of her. She buried her face in her hands while trying to find a way to phrase it differently. But no matter how she looked at it, asking another person to sit here next to her was strange. She had no way to take back her words now either though. She didn't dare to look up for a while before she forced herself to meet Cedar's gaze.
The prince just smiled at her. “I can stay here until you fall asleep if you'd like that. I'm good at moving around quietly, so I won't have a problem sneaking out without waking you.” It was almost too perfect that he accepted this just like that, but she wouldn't complain
Lucille hurriedly nodded. “Thank you very much.”
“If it makes you happy, I will gladly stay. You drank the medicine a while ago, right? It usually only takes a few minutes. Then it might be good for you to lie down already so that you won't fall asleep while sitting.” Cedar moved away from her to give her space but still sat on the side of the bed.
Lucille carefully climbed to the center of the mattress and lay down while resting her head on the pillow. If other people heard about what she was doing, she would have already been called by a lot of unkind names. After all, this probably looked like she was inviting a member of the royal family to share her bed. But that didn't concern her. She felt calmer than anything else when Cedar lifted the blanket to put it over her. His presence was enough to make her feel safe, even when there was no danger anywhere close to them.
Cedar sat next to her and looked down at her while she cuddled herself into the blankets. “I feel like you may be a bit more drowsy than I previously thought. Did I put too much medicine in your water?”
She weakly shook her head as a yawn escaped her throat. “No... It's always like this.” Lucille was really tired by now. She would have liked to close her eyes, but at the same time, she wanted to talk to Cedar a bit more. She looked at him while being unsure of what to say first. But the longer she gazed at him, the more she realized that she wouldn't be able to stay awake for more than a short while. Still, she refused to turn her eyes away and spoke up in a quiet voice. “I don't know much about your family. I'm sorry if I offended you because I...” She yawned again. “Said something that wasn't true.”
Cedar smiled down at her and responded in a polite tone. “It is alright. I wasn't upset. I was just a bit surprised that you brought up something like that. My family isn't really...” He paused as if he was searching for fitting words. “Isn't really an example of what a good family should be. Theodore and Althea probably had the only healthy relationship among all of us. The rest of the connections between every person here are rather complex. No one could understand if they didn't grow up here. I don't blame you for saying what you think about us. It's your right to speak openly. But you will also have to expect that I may not react like a normal person would when you say some things without knowing the backstory.”
Lucille cuddled herself against her pillow and felt how her eyelids became heavier with each second. “But you are a normal person. It's...logical that you would react to things that have a personal meaning to you. That doesn't make you odd. And I'm not talking about you because I'm bored. I'm just...saying things about your family because I want you to feel better.” She felt how her words became more slurred, and keeping her head turned so that she could see Cedar was getting harder.
The prince chuckled as she blinked at him. “That is very kind of you. But I'm fine. You should probably sleep now. After all, you can barely keep your eyes open.”
Lucille knew that he was right, but she didn't want to sleep yet. There was one more thing she wanted to say. But she wanted that to be said quietly. So, Cedar would have to come closer. She tapped the pillow next to her. “Lie down too, please. Just for a moment.” If she was thinking clearly, she would never have proposed something like this. Even now, she understood that offering a member of royalty to lie down with her was just plainly wrong. But she didn't worry about that when all she wanted to do was tell Cedar something.
The prince seemed to be reluctant to comply though. “I don't think that this would be a good idea. You're an unmarried woman. Should you really offer other people to lie down with you?”
She ignored that comment and patted her pillow again with more emphasis. “You already did it once...and you look like you're tired too.” It was true that he seemed to be exhausted. He was probably mostly stressed because of her strange demands, but she couldn't do anything about that now. Apparently, she had managed to convince him though.
Cedar was overly careful as he lay down on the bed, directly next to the edge. He probably didn't want to come too close to her. But the fact that he put his head onto the same pillow so that his face was directly in front of hers was enough to make her heart skip a beat. He met her gaze and allowed her to stare into his beautiful brown eyes as he replied in a whisper. “You really don't see me as a man, do you? If anyone saw this, they would assume the most indecent things you can imagine.”
Lucille weakly shook her head and closed her eyes for a moment before forcing them open again. “I just like you. So, I don't mind...” Her voice trailed off, and she realized that she would probably fall asleep in just a few seconds. So, she hurried to say what she wanted to say. “You can't fool yourself all the time. By smiling, I mean.”
Cedar didn't seem to like that claim but relaxed when her head rolled to the side and she closed her eyes again. He carefully moved away a strand of hair that had fallen onto her face and replied in a whisper. “It worked well ever since I was three. When I smile, I am somewhat happy. So, it's actually helpful.”
Lucille could barely think, but even she knew what she wanted to say in response. “Maybe. It's better...if it's not...fake though. I want you...to be happy for real.” She gave him the weakest smile that she could imagine, but she couldn't do more than that. After all, her eyes already felt like they were glued shut, and she could barely keep herself from falling asleep.
Before that, she still wanted to hear his answer though. But a few seconds passed, and when she heard the first words come out of his mouth, she drifted away into a deep slumber.
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When Lucille awoke again, she was disorientated for a moment. It was dark, so she took a few seconds before realizing that she was still in the doctor's office but that it was night. That confused her too. Why was she awake in the middle of the night? But when she looked around and listened, she quickly understood what was going on.
Cedar next to her was stirring and moved around a bit before he froze again. It seemed like he hadn't left after she had fallen asleep after all.
“Cedar?”
She didn't receive a response. So, he was still asleep.
Lucille weakly pushed herself up and quickly fell down again when she realized that her wound hadn't liked that angle at all. So, stayed in her position and tried to make out Cedar's expression in the dark.
The moonlight allowed her to see the outlines of his features, so she could discern that he was tense. The fact that he moved every few seconds also made it seem like he wasn't having a relaxed rest. Did he move around that much because of a nightmare?
Lucille could only hope that that wasn't the case, but she doubted it. Why else would he be so restless? “Cedar?” She called his name again and lifted her hand to put it onto the side of his face, where she let it hover just a bit over his skin. “Are you alright?”
He stirred even more before calming down a little bit. Still, his expression made it seem like he was squeezing his eyes shut. He definitely hadn't forgotten his nightmare yet.
Lucille had no idea what she should do here. Should she wake him up? She had heard that doing that might not be the best idea. But she also couldn't leave him like that. She would have to do something about him feeling so unwell. She carefully moved her hand toward the back of his head and considered stroking over his hair. Then she heard his voice for the first time.
“Don't...” It was only a little whisper, and she could barely understand him. But his word made her freeze, and seconds later, Cedar muttered something again. “Leave.”
Lucille quickly pulled her hand away. He wouldn't like being touched while he was asleep, would he? Then it seemed like she would have to find another solution. She told herself that, and just a moment later, he whispered again.
“Don't...leave.” Cedar sounded so pitiful while whispering that.
Hearing that broke her heart. Lucille carefully brought her hand to his head again and tried to move closer without straining her wound too much. She slowly maneuvered herself over to him and then put an arm around his head. Maybe he would be able to sleep better when he wasn't all alone. She stroked over his scalp while hugging him with her other arm. She had given her best to do this in an inconspicuous manner, but she still failed miserably.
Cedar's eyes flew open. In an instant, he tensed again and lifted his arm as if he prepared to strike someone who attacked him. But as soon as he recognized her, he relaxed again. “Lucille? What...are you doing here?” He didn't sound like he was half-asleep. He seemed to have woken up as soon as she had hugged him.
Lucille was a bit embarrassed as she withdrew her arms. “Oh...I... You had a nightmare. I just wanted to comfort you. You fell asleep next to me, so...” She scanned his face in an attempt to figure out what he was thinking, but he faced away from the window, so she could barely recognize anything.
Cedar was silent for a moment before he replied in a calm voice, which didn't fit his previous surprise at all. “A nightmare. I see. I thank you for your concern. But that isn't necessary. I apologize for falling asleep here. I should have been more careful.” With that, he sat up and climbed out of the bed. “I shall leave now. Until tomorrow.”
Lucille could only blink as he walked to the exit. That was it? He would really run away without saying even a little thing? Surely, she hadn't expected him to tell her everything about his dream, but she had thought that he might drop little hints. She hadn't expected him to get out as soon as he realized that she knew about him having a nightmare. Did he dislike showing weakness this much? Or had the topic of the dream been sensitive to him? Or had her hugging him made him uncomfortable? She wouldn't receive a response either way.
Cedar stopped at the door one more time and turned to her. “Sleep well. Goodnight.”
Lucille barely managed to mutter a response before he rushed out of the room. She stared after him for a while longer before lying down again.
She should have expected it. Cedar wasn't a person who opened up to others easily. What he had told her was probably already the bordered on the very edge of what he was ready to reveal. He wouldn't suddenly tell her more about himself for no reason.
They weren't that close. She knew that, and yet, the realization hurt a bit.
Especially since lying in bed without him felt much more lonely.