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CHAPTER 4: DEADPAN THIEF
< MAIN POV >
“Vicky, wait! WAIT!! …Dammit!”
I disregard Thena’s pleas and chase the thief down the street.
Nobody steals from me. Nobody. Except when they do, and I don’t notice it! Or when I plan to be robbed so that the shady artefact isn’t in my hands anymore.
What? The Cursed Jewels of Abnaghir? Nope. Never heard of it. In fact, have you checked that bandits den over there? They look pretty suspicious, like people who’d break into a castle treasury to steal cursed artefacts. Now, if you don’t mind, I’ll be on my way… *whistling*
But this is not one of those situations!
Unfortunately, this daytime robber has a good head start, and I’m rapidly losing ground. Curse these short legs! Are they going to escape? Inconceivable! “RAAAAAAAAAH!! COME BACK HERE!! BUCCANEER!! BASHI-BAZOUK!! BAD PERSON!!” I ignore the protests of my overtaxed, feeble limbs and the many odd stares cast by slum dwellers. “I SAID, STOP!!” For some reason, they don’t listen to me.
How quaint.
And, blimey, I’m no closer to catching up!
The sun is fast descending towards the castle spires, but it won’t set for at least another couple of hours. Until then, I’m stuck feeling as if running through tar. Even at full strength, this body is too darn weak! A determined toddler could beat me in a race.
I lament my lack of physical buffs. It’s my fault, really. I’ve been so busy restoring my magical offensive arsenal that I’ve neglected reinforcement spells.
Meh. I’m not fit for close combat anyway. And isn’t that what’s Thena’s there for?
That… and eye candy.
But still, close combat.
Hah! A smart decision this turned out to be! I need to revise my priorities. I should have at least figured out a way to run faster—if only to run away from danger. Well. Too late for regrets.
I mentally peruse my spell list for one with good accuracy and low potential for collateral damage. I’ve had enough trouble with the City Guard for the day.
*CRACK*
A racket of shattering wood behind me suggests my darling semi-orc elected not to bother with the small hatchway and barrelled her way through the fence—or something to that effect.
A second later, heavy metallic boots are clanking after me on the pavement.
Yay! Backup!
My quarry rushes forward like a bat out of hell—of which the irony isn’t lost on me. Ahead of them is a particularly dark patch of shadows, pooling like ink underneath the overhang of a two-storied house—a rare sight in this neighbourhood. Recalling Daniel’s shadow travel skill, I snarl. “Oh… no… you don’t!” Without another moment to lose, I launch into a chant, even as I struggle to find my breath. “Lightning, I… invoke thee… obey my–”
“Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…!!” A high-pitched and distressed howl distracts me.
“–will and-ootss! That hu’t!”
I bit my tongue.
Dammit!
“Da’it!”
That’s what I just said!
“‘hoo ‘ares ‘istrac’ ‘ee?!” I glare up and witness—what? Is it a plane? Is it a bird? The howling black and white blur zooms over my head in a smooth arc, slowing down at its apex to reveal… Toto desperately flapping its front legs. ………What is that silly dragon doing at a time like this?
This is no time to play cannonball!
Opening his small mouth, the dragon-puppy vomits a torrent of soulfire into the street below… and shoots up like a mini-rocket. “AUUUUuuuuuuuuu…uuu…uu…u…u…u……”
I blink, and Toto has disappeared up in the clouds.
I blink again.
Err… Huston?
Wow. We very much need to figure out if these flames have a physical presence or not. We could use that dog as a jetpack! No more running away from that abrasive Dragon Priestess! We’d left her oversized geckos in the dust!
The deflagration hits the ground and momentarily turns the street into a blue inferno. Nothing is damaged, and no one is harmed—except the thief, whose shadow puddle instantly evaporates. Unfortunately for them, their foot was already inside. With a high-pitched shout of surprise and pain, they collapse backwards, blood oozing from their left leg now ending mid-calf.
Good job, Private Toto! Your ultimate act of heroism shall remain in our memories forever.
I think I’ll cry.
He’s not dead, you know?
No. I’ll cry because I’m in pain, I’m exhausted, my lungs are on fire, and my legs are trying to fall off!
Oh.
With the thief brought to heel—
Seriously?
Well, I was going to say we’d “pulled the rug from under their foot, and also took the foot with it,” but then I thought it would be too long and awkward?
Yeah… I’ll have to put my foot down and insist you stop with the puns.
Oh! I see what you did there.
Hehehehe.
Hehehehe.
But seriously. Stop it.
…right.
With the thief grounded, I can finally reduce the distance. I finish panting weakly through my incantation. “...and ...strike! [Lightning Bolt]!” A javelin of zigzagging white light erupts from my outstretched palm and hits the villain trying to crawl away. Yet, it’s probably not enough to finish them off. [Lightning Bolt] is a stun spell. It can work as an attack against opponents with weak magical resistance, like rabbits… or zombies—but not much else.
Now, if I’d been able to cast an actual [Lightning Lance] or [Atomic Thunderstorm]…
I thought we were going for a few collateral damages?
I’m speaking hypothetically. Hy-po-the-ti-cal-ly.
Sure. I believe you.
I’m not opposed to the idea, for the record.
Well, I can’t cast them right now anyway, so it doesn’t matter.
Rapidly approaching, now, I cast two more [Lightning Bolts] in quick succession. The electricity jolts the thief’s nerves and makes it look like their having a fit—or doing interpretative dancing in the dirt. One of the two.
Finally, I catch up to my prey.
I pull Fred—Fred, the OP Frying Pan—out of my inventory.
Wasn’t it called Francis?
Was he?
Regardless, I take one last running leap and SLAM the over-enchanted kitchen tool into the side of the thief’s head. My victim is still too busy convulsing to avoid the blow.
*BONK*
It’s marvellous what a couple of force-amplifying enchantments, backlash dampeners, plus some stun, pain, paralysing and passive burn spells can do to a head. The vile criminal chokes out a yelp as their neck snaps sideways at a speed that cannot be healthy. I, on the other hand, barely feel a thing despite that same reaction law of physics that threw Toto in orbit.
The wonders of runes and priceless ingredients.
The power of money and wastefulness.
I’m Batman.
Make that Batgirl.
I hope this wannabe black-robed Altaïr appreciates the luxury of being knocked out by a weapon worth the GDP of a small country.
Trust me. She probably doesn’t.
Panned, my enemy now lies limp at my bare feet.
And this, kids, is why any self-respecting rogue needs at least one good anti-magic piece of equipment. A puny [Lightning Bolt] shouldn’t have been this effective against someone high-level enough to use [Shadow Run] or whatever that ink-puddle spell was.
She’s likely more a scout type than a thief. More stealth- than combat-oriented. No need for resistance when you’re not supposed to get spotted in the first place.
Still careless of him.
Her.
Her— Oh!
Francis’ striking charisma broke through the thief’s mask, and—what a twist!—my ill-advised mugger appears to be female! I’d describe her as objectively beautiful. Although, personally, I don’t dig the narrow, anaemic features and high cheekbones that are all the rage these days. Her pale skin, bright red lips and fangs tinkle a vague sense of recognition, but I can’t place—
She’s a vampire, dumbass.
Oh! That must be it.
Duh. Do try to use your brain once in a while.
So… a vampire tried to rob me.
Seems like it.
Me.
The irony. I’ll admit. It is rather comical.
I don’t know whether I should laugh or cry. Mostly, I’m just peeved… and still very much out of breath. “Hah! Stealing… from me …hah… your grandmother? Learn to see … Mount Tai… little brat …bat …bat brat? …hah… …hah… Ahhhhhhh. Whatever… I’m dying… hah… stupidly weak vampire princess...”
‘...kill...’
The usually silent cursed princess’ spirit that possesses my body manifests for once.
Shush. This is all your fault.
‘...kill...’
Yeah, yeah, good for you. Don’t you have other ghost things to do? Like wailing in a corner? Rattle chains? Write spooky messages on wet windows? Maybe animate some creepy porcelain doll?
You’re the doll, darling.
‘...gngngngngn...’
...what was that even supposed to be?
Frustrated, I hit the female thief in the face with Francis one more time, for good measure... *bonk* …and a second time for stress relief... *bonk* …then again because, well… it’s kind of fun. *bonk*
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…hehehe…
‘......again.’
*bonk*
“Hehehehe…”
‘...again.’
*bonk*
“Hehehehehe…”
‘Again.’
*bonkrack*
…
……
………oopsie?
‘……’
I am surrounded by children.
Thena reaches us at that moment. Her glares disperse the onlookers, who quickly find better things to do. Her golden eyes also scan the rooftops and dark corners for more potential assailants.
How dependable.
Somehow, she makes pragmatism look hot.
...yeah. But then, so does she make everything.
Oh, hell yeah. Remind me why can’t we just ask her for a fuck?
Don’t be crass.
Spoilsport.
With my foot, I discreetly push the vampire’s black hair over the dent in her forehead.
There, nothing happened.
…
Thena stops by my side. She glances down at the unconscious—maybe, probably dead—body next to me. A frown creases her forehead. She opens her mouth to speak, closes it, then sighs and shakes her head. “Did you get it back?”
I nod. “Huh-uh. It’s right there.” Dropping Francis back in my inventory, I walk around Vampirella’s body. The runic orb she’d nabbed rolled out of her grasp when she fell. I pick it up. Thankfully, it’s undamaged.
I give a silent thanks to the developers who made it impossible for a stolen item to be stored in an inventory right away after the theft. The delay varies, but usually, it’s at minimum a couple of minutes after the previous holder of the item lost track of the thief depending on the circumstances of the theft under the condition that the item isn’t... isn’t... err...
Of course, if the robbery goes unnoticed, that restriction doesn’t apply... most of the time… perhaps…
Well, in most cases, anyway... I mean...
The rules are pretty vague and complicated, okay?!
It’s just lazy game design.
Anyway—
And sketchy patches.
A.NY.WAY! Looting a player’s inventory requires a specific skill set, and I don’t have that skill set. Contrary to what everyone seems to think, I don’t go out of my way to bother other players. I mostly do PvE, honestly. I don’t actually know if this girl is a player with an inventory. I think I heard or read something about new vampire NPCs after the race was unlocked for player characters? Regardless, I’m grateful to the devs.
I put the weird glowy orb inside my inventory... At least, I try.
The orb passes through the translucent honeycomb window ineffectively.
...
……
………
You must leave a chance to the thief’s potential accomplices to re-steal it.
Oh, come on! It’s my weird glowy orb!
Those are the rules.
I’m not grateful anymore!
Be sport.
I don’t wanna!
You’re such a child…
Nananananana... I’m not listening! I hug the orb against my chest and glare in every direction. “Grrrrrrrr... My orb. Myorb. Myorbmine. Grrrr...” The few last remaining passers-by shoot me akward looks and scurry away.
Please stop. It’s embarrassing.
“...auuu...”
“My orb— Wait. Do you hear anything?”
“...uuuuuu...”
“Hear?” Thena tenses and surveys the surroundings. “Yes, I think…” She looks up.
“…uuUUUUUUUUUU!!!”
*THUD*
Oh, Toto is back.
That, he is. He crash-landed quite beautifully.
I give it a 10 for spectacle. Only 7 for the form, though.
You know, I’m surprised we didn’t feel more of an earthquake.
From his crash?
No. From all the dead dragons everywhere rolling in their graves in shame.
“……eh.” I watch the puppy groggily sit on fluffy behind and shake his little fluffy head to clear off disorientation.
He’s so cute.
If only he weren’t such an insufferable vainglorious prick.
Remind me to check if his gem isn’t cracked. I’ve enchanted him against shocks, but I’d rather be safe than sorry.
He did fly pretty high.
Well, he is very light. He’s just fluff and a light wooden frame wrapped around a big rock.
“ROOOOOOAR!!!” The vainglorious bit of fluff and light wooden frame wrapped around a big rock roars. Wincing, I rub my too-sensitive pointed ears. Toto jumps at Thena’s right leg. He bites and gnaws at it angrily—and uselessly. His teeth are round and stubby and too soft to pierce her armour.
He’s a child-friendly toy, after all.
The semi-orc shakes her leg, attempting to dislodge the cuddly pet but unwilling to hurt him. She’s cute too. But it is all in vain because the nasty little bit of stuffing clings to her for all he’s worth. This results in a stalemate that is both adorable and hilarious at the same time. “Aw, you’re both too cute,” I chuckle, a warm feeling welling up in my chest.
The pair stops its antics to glare at me in synch, Thena’s leg still raised and Toto still hanging limply from it as he tries to appear intimidating. “Pfff—hahahahaha!” I topple over in laughter. “Hohohohohohooo!! Please, don’t! Hahaha! I can’t… breathe… Hahaha!” This is too much. I’m laughing so hard, black spots are dancing in my vision, and the street spins around me and–
Oh…
“Thena... I… I think I’m fainting.”
“Vicky?!”
And I do. My eyes roll back, and everything fades to black.
*tutu*
[ You have lost consciousness ]
...I noticed.
It’s pretty pathetic.
Shut up.
* * *
The time I spent floating in limbo, waiting for my character to either die or regain consciousness, I used for a quick trip to the bathroom and to snack on leftovers scavenged from my fridge. I toyed with the idea of calling Eva’s house to ask for my nightwear back – she still has my bunny onesie – but ultimately, seeing the late hour, I decided against it.
Logging back in, I wake up in an uncomfortable bed. I yawn, rub my eyes, and sit up, taking in my surroundings. The room is small and shoddy. The ceiling shows exposed and roughly cut beams. The plaster is cracked. The shutters are skewed. And I see no furniture aside from this bed I’m sitting on.
At least, the place is clean.
Toto lies curled at the foot of the bed, again pretending to sleep, which he shouldn’t need to. …unless he does? Could this helps him conserve energy? I’m not sure. His creation really was a bit experimental. I don’t exactly know how he even exists right now. I’m not feeding him mana… Oh, well.
What is this place anyway?
Just as I start pondering over my location, the door opens and a tall semi-orc steps in.
Timing!
The low doorframe forces Thena to duck. She seems to fill the entire room with her muscular height, though she could probably do it on intensity alone. I take a deep breath, heart pounding. It takes me a moment to notice the platter of food in her hands.
“Eat.” She barely acknowledges me other than setting the platter on my lap. She drops on the bed next to Toto – making me bounce a bit – then stares at the opposite wall in silence. After a few seconds quietly watching her profile, I look down at the tray. It holds a spoon and a bowl of something I would charitably call gruel.
“Did you cook this?”
She casts me a side-glare. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing. Never mind.” I sigh. I can’t deal with her grumpiness right now. My whole body is aching and my head feels stuffed with cotton. Logging out and in actually made it worst. The brief respite in my healthy real body only emphasised how weak this one is. And somehow, merely thinking about calling Eva put me in a melancholic mood. “Just wondering,” I add, talking about the food.
I pick up the wooden spoon and start eating. It’s not bad, surprisingly. Not great, but not terrible. Palatable and filling is what I’d call it.
‘Gruel’ is pretty self-explanatory.
Well, I suppose.
I sigh inwardly.
While I eat, the silence stretches, awkward.
“I didn’t.” I look at Thena, my spoon suspended mid-motion. She keeps staring at the wall. “The food. One of the fox’s friends cooked it,” she clarifies. “We’re in his house— the fox’s. Well, he said it’s abandoned, and that we could use it as long as we liked. He showed up after you fainted.”
I hum in response and keep eating.
Silence returns.
…
It’s broken again when Thena releases a great sigh. “This isn’t going to work.”
I straighten and set the spoon down strongly. Stiff, I focus my attention on Thena’s profile. “…What isn’t?” I barely dare ask.
She stands and starts pacing nervously. “Us. This partnership. It can’t work like this.” Eyes glued to her, I find myself torn between elation that she thinks there’s a ‘us’ at all and fear about where she’s going with this. “If we’re going to work together, you can’t run off by yourself and do whatever you want! What were you thinking?! You could have DIED!! AGAIN!!” She punches her the wall in frustration.
I watch cracks spread on the wall and plaster trickles from the ceiling.
We’re not getting the deposit back.
Better the room than my skull, though.
I chuckle in spite of myself.
What? It’s funny.
“IT’S NOT FUNNY!!” Thena bellows. I jump, nearly spilling the gruel. Her furious golden eyes drill holes into mine. I hold her gaze for a few heartbeats before averting my eyes. For the first time in a long, long while, I feel genuinely ashamed and chastised – even though I’m still not entirely sure what I did wrong.
I mumble, “It’s just a game. What if I die? I’ll respawn… It’s just harmless fun.”
“THAT’S NOT THE POIN—” The massive semi-orc woman sees me flinch back. Her mouth abruptly snaps shut, and she seems to deflate. Regret flashes in her eyes before she averts them. “Sorry.”
“No, no. It’s my fault.” I think?
Just assume it usually is.
Isn’t that, like, the basis of an unhealthy abusive relationship?
In this case, no, it really isn’t.
…eh.
A beat of awkward silence passes. Thena crosses her arms, looking almost like she’s hugging herself. I hate when she looks this vulnerable. That’s just wrong – like, fundamentally wrong.
When she speaks again, her eyes remain on the closed shutters. “Even if it’s just a game, if you want us to work as a team… That’s what you want, right?” She glances my way. I nod furiously, not liking the touch of uncertainty in her voice. She stares at me for a bit, then mumbles something and shakes her head. She runs a hand through her long copper hair. The gesture is filled with restrained frustration.
“Then you can’t just do whatever you wish, Vicky. Your actions impact the others around you. If you want to be on your own, knock yourself off. But if not, you must stop acting this self-centred, or you will only become a burden on everyone around you.” The words feel familiar for some reason. “It might be just a bit of ‘harmless fun’ for you, as you put it. But it’s not fun for me, Vicky. It’s not fun at all. I don’t like feeling always one step behind, stuck reacting to whatever you decide to do. I hate it. I hate this uncertainty. I like things ordered, predictable— and I get that’s a bit too much to ask of you because… well… you’re… you. But I need to feel in control of what happens around me. That’s the whole reason I started play—” Her voice abruptly cuts off.
With another deep sigh, she sits abruptly beside me on the bed, rattling the entire frame. Once again, she’s staring at the wall. “I don’t get why you want to hang around me— Let me finish.” She raises a finger, and I swallow my refutation. “Despite your flaws, you’re fun and outgoing. I’ve watched the way you interacted with the vendors in the street. If you wanted, you could easily make friends with a bunch of people – good, nice people, not violent emotional wrecks like me.”
She’s not looking at me, so I allow myself a bitter smile. If only she knew.
“I don’t understand you. You’re careless, illogical and you drive me crazy. But I don’t… I didn’t hate travelling with you. Even with what I just said, this was the first time I truly enjoyed playing this game, even a little. So if you want to, I don’t mind… I mean, I’d like to keep playing together. But if this is ever going to happen, you can’t keep holding me hostage of your selfishness. I can’t deal with that.” She leans on her elbows and links her fingers before her lips. “I know it’s hypocritical of me, but I really can’t, Vicky.” It’s faint, but I can see her hands shaking.
I observe her profile in silence. She’s removed her armour again, I notice, wearing casual clothing instead. I bet this flimsy bed wouldn’t have held otherwise. It’s already creaking under her weight. Not that she’s fat. Full orcs are fat-gutted horrors, but Thena is only muscle mass: thick, powerful limbs that could crush you with just a hug.
Hey. Stop drooling.
Who’s drooling?
I wipe my mouth and focus on the green woman’s expression, her troubled eyes glaring at the wall without seeing. She’s genuinely upset, even I can see it – and I don’t think it’s entirely because of my behaviour. She’s been looking troubled the whole afternoon.
Of course, my actions didn’t help, I bet.
I put my hand on hers. She looks at it. Then her gaze follows my arm up to my face. I give a little half smile and her hands a squeeze. “You’re right… I wasn’t thinking.” It’s as close an apology as she’ll get. I still don’t believe my behaviour was all that unreasonable. A game is meant to be fun. She’s the one taking everything too seriously.
“No, you weren’t,” she states, merciless. “That’s the problem.”
Ouch.
Touché.
“...sorry.” Okay, okay, I’m caving. What else can I do? I can’t resist her.
She sighs and removes her hands from mine. “Just be more careful next time. There won’t be a third. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us.” Standing, she makes for the door.
“Thena!” She stops and turns around, arms crossed. I bite my lower lip and meet her gaze uncertainly. “Thank you… for giving me a chance. Again.”
“You helped me get back here even though you didn’t have to. It’s not your fault I was sent to that castle, or that I ended up... I mean, you’re annoying sometimes— often— I mean, most of the time.” She tilts her head contemplatively. “Okay, you’re insufferable more often than not.”
Hoy.
“But I’m aware I’m not blameless either. I have been rude and irascible and a total brute, and you’ve put up with me without complaint. I want to apologise for that. …I’m sorry.” She scratches her eyebrow guiltily. “I need to work on my selfishness too. Someone made me realise that, recently.”
Bless that someone.
Cretin.
What now?
“Yeah, so… like I said, I think we can work together if we both put in some effort. I mean… if you’re sure that’s what you want?”
Again with that lack of confidence. She looks almost fragile in that instant – a feat for someone so stacked and menacing.
I show a bright smile. “I’d love to.”
“……”
And now she’s staring at my face again.
What did I say?
…
Seriously, is there a smear on my nose, or something?
I rub the cute button and find nothing.
“You mean that.”
Why does she sound so surprised? Wasn’t she saying it herself just now?
I frown, perplexed. “Yeah? Why wouldn’t I?”
Aaaaand now she looks away again, not answering.
Bob dammit! I thought my words would ease the tension, but she seems more bothered than before instead. How did that happen?
What’s in your mind, Big Girl?
I hesitate to ask. My mouth hangs half-open. But Thena nods, mostly to herself I think, and her stern mask snaps back on. My window of opportunity is lost. The question again gets stuck in my throat.
She takes the runic sphere out of her inventory. So she didn’t forget it. Good. Though, it looks much smaller in her hand than it did in mine. I wonder how small I would look in her arms, tightly embraced—
Ah-HAH! I knew it!
…drats.
I try to focus back on Thena, who lifts the orb towards me. “You can’t decipher what’s written on that orb, right? I think I can help with that.”
I can think of plenty of things I’d want you to help with— Oh, for fu’ssake!
“Well, I mean, I can’t. But I know someone who can. She’s— Vicky? Vicky, are you listening?”
Harsh green skin. Square jaws. Broad nose. Tusks. Tusks! She’s got tusks, for gods’ sake! Big, boar tusks!
What’s wrong with me?
Seriously, did Mum drop me as a child?
That is debatable.
Or maybe I have a heart condition. That face shouldn’t raise my pulse so much.
Must be the eyes.
“Vicky!”
“Yes!?” I jump, startled. “Orb. Decipher. Someone you know. I’m listening!”
She stares at me flatly, then sighs and shakes her head. I think I catch a glimpse of a slight reluctant smile trying to appear on her face – but it’s Thena we’re talking about, so it’s probably wishful daydreaming on my part.
“Right… Then if that’s okay with you. We’ll go meet her next…” Her eyes flashed to the side of her HUD. “Maybe today, actually. It’s not too late. She should still be logged in.” She nods at the half-finished bowl on my lap. “Eat. It’ll get cold. It’s rude to waste food someone prepared for you.”
“Whatever, Mum.”
“……”
“……”
“Never call me that again.”
“Definitely not.”
I return to eating, and free form the need to focus, my mind arbitrarily wanders back to the earlier chase. Not a mouthful later, a thought strikes me. My spoon pauses – again. “Wait, earlier, did you throw the dog?”
I hadn’t pondered too much about how Toto came flying over my head, but in hindsight, he can’t fly. Of that, I’m sufficiently certain. A resentful scoff from the foot of the bed confirms my suspicion. I scrutinise Thena’s profile and realise her cheek have gotten a shade darker.
She fidgets. “I... improvised.” Her gaze stays away from mine.
I could have erupted in laughter at how cute she looks right now. It’s just too adorable.
But I do possess some tact.
Riiiiiiiight.
I do!
So all I do is smile. “Thank you. It really helped.”
Thena’s eyes briefly meet mine but turn away as fast. Her features settle back into her usual scowl. “Well, as we discussed, next time, let me come up with a plan before you jump into danger like a reckless moron.” She huffs, spins around and walks out, slamming the door behind her. Some more dust trickles from the ceiling. I shot a concerned glance up at the beams, then look back at the closed door.
Picturing the woman who just crossed it, I idly wonder how a back can look so broad and reliable yet so fragile at the same time.
Finish your porridge.
“…timing, Ariel. Timing.”
* * * * *