Chapter 7: Quiet Before... Before What Exactly?
~ Part 4: Obnoxious, Obnoxiouser, and Obnoxiousest ~
The late morrow of the next day finds me sitting on the slope of a small hill near the border of the clearing, with in my hands the cloth I’d ordered from Lagerfeld and a handful of tools I had the courage to borrow from the Siberian carpenter—with her express permission, of course. I want those tools in my hands, not in my spine.
The weather is warm, pleasant, with a slight gale bending the tall grass. The sun shines brightly in the blue sky. Only a few white clouds are drifting about. Birds are singing, bunnies hopping, a goat is sleeping next to me, and cute little foxes even come poking at the stuff scattered around me before scurrying away when they notice me watching them.
Now, if those birds’ song didn’t contain so many innuendos, things would be perfect.
Stupid skill. Give me my beautiful nature back!!
*sigh*
This place is so peaceful. I can barely believe I’m still in the same desolated cursed country I’ve been stuck in for months. Only the eerie mist seeping from the drab woods nearby hints at the dark truth, constant quiet reminder of the dead monstrosities it keeps at bay.
Not for the first time, I wonder if this quest I’m supposed to undertake for the God of Chaos is somehow linked to the Erwynian undead infestation. In fact, the opposite would surprise me.
“UT. Show quest [The Plot].” That name, seriously.
Quest
The Plot
It all began with the gathering of the Great Sages. They were seven, four men and three women, who swore loyalty to the Angel Queen, ruler of Eden, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings. Within these sages dwelled a power never before wielded by mankind, for each was a peerless genius amongst their peers, and together their combined might could frighten even the gods.
Under the kind guidance of the Angel Queen and the protection of the Seven Sages, the kingdom of Eden prospered, bringing wealth to both high and low born and as much happiness as peace can foster. But with the brightness of good fortune came the darkness of envy. The neighbouring kings could not quell their desire for the treasures of Eden.
And that greed would doom them all.
One by one, the lands of Pandore fell prey to the fires of war, and few were those who sided with Eden. Overwhelmed by the numbers, even the might of the Great Sages could do nothing but slowly lose ground. At the sight of her beloved kingdom burning, despair dug its claws in the Angel Queen’s heart.
She cursed the gods, cursed Fate, and above all, she cursed the greed of men. To save what little was left, she abandoned herself to the darkness. The one once called the Purest Maiden became a demon of the battlefield. The Seven Sages in their loyalty followed her into madness, unleashing onto the world countless horrors. Faced with atrocities defying imagination, the kings were soon to recognise their folly. But alas it was too late. To survive, they could only attempt to mimic their foes and create monsters more terrible even.
The war became nightmare, and the world devolved into hell.
Eventually, after decades of bloodshed, the fighting came to an end, Eden victorious. But there was no rejoicing. The ones now called the Black Queen and her Seven Dark Lords wept at all that had bee, lost, as not even the death of all their enemies had saved their beloved home. The army remained, but Eden, the kingdom, had been ravaged beyond recognition, as had most of the known world.
Crushed by sorrow, the Queen vanished. With nothing but bitterness to unite them, the Seven Lord also each went their ways.
One, master of alchemy, secluded himself to continue his research.
One, strongest warrior amongst all, could not bear to abandon his Queen and roamed the world trying to find her.
Another one went with him. Waver of curses but sick of body, she knew how little time she had left to live and only hoped for one last meeting with her most important person.
One returned to the wilderness with her beasts, whose company she preferred to any other.
One simply disappeared, dispersing into the shadows.
Two, who together reigned supreme on blood, souls and death, had fallen in love. However one died from her wounds on the morrow of the last battle. Left alone with their infant son, and originally a foreigner to Eden, the other one chose to move back to what remained of his birth country and raise the child.
Thus came the end of an era. And some things, that should not have been forgotten, were lost. History became legend. Legend became myth. And for seven and a half thousand years, the continent slowly reconstructed itself anew from its ashes. Today, little to no memory remained of what fire had burned it down in the first place.
Until, one day, someone disturbed relics best left to rest.
…
*dun* *dun* *DUUUUN* (LOL!)
PS: That’s where you come in and try to stop everything from going to sh*t. Be a good apostle of Chaos, protect the balance and all that…
Objectives:
Stop the bad guys before they destroy the world, by any means. (I tried to keep it simple for you. Sincerely, Bob Chaos.)
Stage 1: Join the fun!
The Seven Dark Lords may have left this world, but their legacies remain (which honestly is part of the issue). Locate one of their power and seize it for yourself! Careful, others might have their sights on it. Hint: power might be closer than you think.
Stage 2: [locked] 🔒
Succes Condition: Seize the ancient power before anyone else gets to it. Failure Condition: Let the power be snatched away from you. Reward: A unique class.
“Reigned supreme on blood, souls and death’ is it? Wouldn’t be surprised if that Dark Lord’s ‘birth country’ is this very hellhole. It does say right here that this power shouldn’t be too far. Now, is this power the cause, or the cure for the infestation? To zom-be or not to zom-be. That is the question.” With another sigh, I dismiss the window.
Might be both.
I guess it might.
Glancing around, a thought that has been floating in my mind for a while returns to its forefront. “Maybe I should settle down here.” Not settle down for good, of course, but make this fishy little piece of Heaven into a base of sort, a place where I could rest in-between deadly adventurous rollercoasters and emotionally tiring games of cat-and-mouse with over enthusiastic fire priestesses. Most players, even soloers, have some kind of headquarter, a manor, a castle, a house…a lair. Something.
This village certainly is secluded enough for my tastes, and even comes with a built-in magical defences. I wouldn’t take much improvement. A teleportation gate nearby and a way to navigate the fog. I’m sure that old crook wouldn’t mind me building a small house in the village. Martha’s home is nice and all, housemate slasher notwithstanding, but I do require a tad more personal space than twenty square feet. Seeing Dorothy every now and then wouldn’t be too bad either. “Yeah…”
Immersed in my own idyllic fantasies, I distractedly yet skilfully bring the finishing touch to my new [Wing-sama 2.0], inheritor to the spirit of my deceased glider and my own feelings of grief, the Weebette to my Weebo.
*TING*
“Mother of Dragons!” Suddenly I am startled by a very out-of-place lift bell sound. I jump to my feet and look around, but see nothing but a goat who casts me a concerned look. “Tsk. Stupid notifications.” Always catching me off-guard when I’m relaxing. I sit back down and pat the smart animal between the horns, prompting from her a weird goat-purr.
With a frown, I glance at the interface superimposed to my normal eyesight. In the top right corner, an obnoxiously flashing golden envelope marked [SA] has taken up residence, where private messages notifications usually appear. Although, normal PMs are usually displayed in blue. And besides, they can only be exchanged when both sender and receiver are in Safe Zones—and I use the word “safe” very loosely—but Kansas doesn’t classify as one. I checked.
Intrigued, I reflexively select the token…then suddenly remember SA stands for System Announcement and how Whatever Incorporated “announced” things. “Wait! NONONO—”
*PAH-PA-RAH!! PAPAPA-PARA-RAH!!!*
I clasp my hands over my hears—a completely pointless conditioned reflex, because the blaring trumpets exploding with fanfare are resounding directly inside my head, mercifully bypassing my poor eardrums but turning my brain to muesli in the process. I believe there’s a very specific circle of Hell destined for the people who designed that sound effect, right beside the authors of IKEA’s assembly instructions manuals and people who listened to music loudly in the bus. HEATHENS!! Heathens, I tell you.
Right then, in a burst of sparkles and illusory confetti, a window pops up, taking all of my field of vision.
★ New Update Release ★
Untold Tales 1.9
~
GREETINGS, ADVENTURER, ADVENTURESSES AND OTHERS!!
It’s finally here!
The most game-changing!
This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.
Most demanded!
Most awaited!
Subclass System!
Choosing a subclass will allow you access to skills outside the set of your main class. The more compatibility there is between your main and sub, the better the results! So, chose carefully! Paladins shouldn’t attempt to become necromancers and thieves desiring to become knights would be well advised to rethink their choice. Although we know you’ll try anyway. Don’t say you weren’t warned.
MORE!!
Because we,
At Whatever Incorporated,
Love you, dear players, so much,
And want you to share this love amongst yourselves,
We give you the RP-inducing!
Most unasked for!
Most surprising!
Marriage System!
From now on, with a little detour by the nearest temple/church/monastery of your chosen confession, and a short ritual ceremony that shouldn’t hurt as long as you aren’t a follower of Ha’Ouch, god of pain, torture and spinaches, you and your selected soulmate will be able to enjoy unique mutual benefits—some general and other specific to your cult. And given the stupid amount of divinities in this game, I can tell you our programming teams are still in the hospital recovering from lack of sleep and coffee overdose. Bravo to them!
Be careful though. And be sure. Vows are sacred. And breaking them shall bring the gods’ wrath upon the unfaithful. That should lower the divorce rate…
Now, check out your [Identity Window], and see the changes for yourself!
As always, wishing you
A fulfilled game-life,
As well as,
A gruesome and painful death,
Your most faithful servitor,
Sincerely yours,
Edward Dabbler, Spokesman for Whatever Inc.
(No, no, don’t thank me…especially if you’re male.)
“Show [Identity Window]!”So that’s what that mad shapeshifting divine trickster had been talking about…
Identity Window
Name: Elric Walker Level: 127 Race: Human Class: Solar Knight Gender Male Subclass: - Marital Status Single Alignment: Chaos, Sun Affiliation: -
Titles: Army Slayer, Cannibal, Chaos’ Apostle, Cult Founder, Death Addict, Defender of Cuteness, Demon Slayer, Destroyer of Relics, Dorothy’s Big Brother, Dragon Slayer, Enemy of Order, Exhumer of the Past, Experimenter, Explorer, Flower Enthusiast, Free Spirit, Gambles with Fate, Happy-Go-Unlucky, Harbinger of Subjective Justice, He Who Stops Children’s Cries, Heretic, Human Cataclysm, Indirect Slaughterer, Legendary Daylight Seamster, Lich Slayer, Lilith’s Toy, Living Legend, Loved by the Sun, Merfolk’s Public Enemy, Mermaid Princess’ Trusted Confident, Myth Slayer, One Stalked by the Gods, Phoenix Slayer, Sweet Tooth, Royals’ Least Favourite, Salami Slayer, Suicide Warrior, Suspicious Candyman, Temple’s Bane, This is not what it looks like I can explain, To The Last Breathe, Trickster, Under Influence, Unlawful
“Hmhmhmhm...Huhuhuhuhu…Hahahahaha…HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! NONDIDJU!! What’s your problem, GAME?! I know I’ve been without a girlfriend for months! Stop shoving it into my face at every damn chance! Couldn’t you put ‘unmarried’ instead? Was that too much to ask?!” I flipped the hang-glider, because there was no table at hand. Much less impressive but entirely as cathartic.
*ting*
The God of Chaos is pleased by your recent streak of random questionable fits of rage. [+2 Luck]
“AND WHY IS A GOD STALKING ME?!” I throw my hands up.
*ting*
A message from God: Do I need a reason?
My hands come back down, palm-first in my face.
*ting*
A message from God: It’s part of the new update. A little personal addition. I know you’ll love it.
*ting*
A message from God: Happy?
*ting*
A message from God: Really happy?
*ting*
A message from God: Happy-happy-happy???
*ting*
Another message from God: Happy?
I suddenly feel very washed-out.
And here I was thinking this peaceful atmosphere was doing me good. It seems like the world is conspiring to keep me on edge. With a sigh, I put two fingers on each side of my head and slowly massage my temples. “Just kill me now.”
*ting*
You-Know-Who: Be careful what you wish for~ ✨
Damn you Bob. “I’m going to seriously lose my mind at this rate…”
*ting*
Chaos approves. 👍
“…the hell?” With a sigh, I dismiss the messages from god…Okay. That sentence was moderately awesome.
But I’d just prefer to be spied upon by a less troublesome divinity, you know? Like Alabasteia, Goddess of Purity. Or even Lilith, the Demon Demigoddess of Succubi and Watermelons…*shivers* Talk about multitasking. Well, I suppose if the god of pain and torture also rules over spinaches… I suppose…
“I wonder if Chaos also has dominion over some kind of vegetable,” I mumble idly.
*ting*
Potatoes
“…Why am I not surprised?”
Sighing again, I drop backwards and lay down in the tall grass for a while, arms spread out, listening to the wind and staring up at the passing clouds. Clouds always had a calming effect on my mind. Oh, that one looks like a beheaded mermaid.
…
……
………
With one more sigh, I pull myself sitting upright. “Aaaa-ny-way…Where am I supposed to find a cool subclass out here in Zombieland?” Right. That quest mentioned a unique class as a reward. Could I take a unique class as a subclass? That feels like a waste. I nod sideways. “I don’t know…How should I go about this?”
“Young One, I believe I could help you with your predicament.”
“WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!” Startled, for the second time in a few minutes, I scream and try to jump up. This time however, I trip. I fall back on the ground and start rolling down the hill. A little disoriented at first, I quickly get my bearings back and act in consequence.
“WOOHOOHOOOOOOOOO!!!”
…
Rolling down hills is really fun you know~?
I eventually reach the bottom and slow down to a stop. I attempt to stand up, but quickly change my mind. “Why is that stupid ground refusing to stay still?” I lay eyes closed in the dirt until the world seemed to settle down under me.
When I open them again, I nearly have my third heart-attack this hour. One instant I only see blue sky and clouds. The next, that crazy arched old man suddenly appears, as if materializing out of thin air, casting a shadow over me. I jerk away and jump on my feet, casting a dejected glance at my once-white shirt now marred with grass stains. Aw…I’ll never get those out. Even holy fire could do little against the power of poaceae. “Damn you old goat!”
“Wha-a-a-a-a-a-at?”
“Ah. No. Not you.” I reassure my ungulate companion that looks pretty dejected. She comes up to me and nudges my thigh with small head bumps. Used to the beast’ antics by now, I fetch an apple from my inventory and hand it over to her.
While the goat snacks on her fruity treat, I glare back up at the wrinkled trickster, who’s grinning widely at me as he leans on his thick cane. His sunken golden eyes sparkle like a child’s from the depth of their discordant sockets. I have never figured out how these Kansans could sneak up on me, silent as ghosts, seemingly teleporting around. Even that arthritic slowpoke of an Elder, whom a [Zombie Snail] would probably beat in a race, always succeeded in escaping my notice.
“Kekeke,” the old man cackles. “Still too weak, your mind is.”
“…Why the inversion?” I ask in matter of greetings, wiping the dirt and apple juice from my hands on my ruined shirt.
“Because I can,” is the other’s all too smug reply. Tsk. How am I supposed to beat him in a debate with arguments like that?
Dropping the matter, I try to get to the point before the conversation had a chance to derail too much. “You said you could help me? What about exactly?”
“Finding a subclass, of course. Kekeke. Or would you appreciate some advices on how to woo the ladies?”
“Not from you.” Aaaaand I failed. Nice. Three sentences and a laugh in, and we’re already off track. Great Elric. Great. I bet this sets a new record.
“Kekeke. Such a foursquare refusal!” the Elder exclaims in happy outrage. “Do not let this old twiggy appearance fool you, O rude youngster. Let it be known, I was quite the handsome lad in my days, and a heavily courted one at that.” He raises a shaky, bony finger up, as if to take the heavens as witness. I’m not convinced. “Women! Be them noble dames, village girls or harlots, all would throw themselves at my feet!”
With a raised eyebrow and my best dubious glance, I survey the sickly thin trembling figure, draped in baggy clothing a hole away from becoming rags, from his sparse diaphanous hair to his crooked toes peeking out of old wicker sandals falling apart. I meet his gaze and drawl a low “Sure…”
If my interlocutor notices the ludicrous amount of sarcasm dripping from my tone, he shows no sign of it. Nodding to himself in great self-satisfaction, he puts a hand to his chest, turns so that I could only see his angular profile, and dramatically sighs. “However, always my heart remained faithful to my one and true love.”
“…I’m sure.” I can’t even summon a fake sliver of credulity.
“You do not believe me, do you?” His larger eye spins to stare at me. Then he shrugs and looks away. “I understand. I should not have expected much understanding of pure love from someone who enjoys when several maidens take him from behind inside a barn.”
I nearly choke.
“Wha, Wha, WhaAT?!”
HAHAHAHAHAHA!! I like this guy.
Shut up, you!
The Elder only throws me a malicious toothy grin. It annoys me how sparkly his few remaining teeth are. “That’s not it.” I try to save some face. “I do believe you.” Not. “I just can’t imagine you young. How many centuries ago was that?” I change the subject with a half-joking tease. I’m actually a little curious about his age.
“Mmmmh. Around twenty, I think. Kekeke.”
“…really?” I wasn’t truly expecting him to answer. He’d always dodged any personal questions before. Twenty centuries… He’s not joking, is he? I’m usually pretty good at spotting when people are making fun of me, and I don’t think he his.
“Kekeke. The gods only know.” The Elder shrugs mysteriously. How anyone shrug mysteriously is beyond me, but that guy pulls it off.
Still… twenty centuries? If that’s not a joke. Then…Maybe I could ask that divine stalker of mine for confirmation. But how much faith do I place in the word of an entity who embodies disorder?
I carefully store that thought away for now, and sit down next to the Elder who has already lowered himself and is patting the ground in a familiar motion.
“Ah!” the old man suddenly exclaims. “But how unfair life can be! For true love does not guaranty happiness, I tell you Young One. The debacle of my own experience proves it.” He sighed and suddenly looked very sad and weary, like a huge load has been added to his already hunched back. I’m always thrown off balance by how quickly his mood swings. It make him difficult to fathom.
“She didn’t love you back?” I prod guessingly, at the same time wondering who “she” might be.
He waves a claw-like hand dismissively. “Oh, nay. Loving me she did. My own foolishness is sole to blame for my current solitude.” He looks up at the clouds. For a while, he remains enclosed in contemplative silence, until, as if struck by a flash on inspiration, he turns in my direction, an odd glint in his golden eyes. “Remember this, Young One. No man can ever truly fathom the workings of a maiden’s heart, so long as he does not step into the maiden’s shoes and wears them as his own.”
…
……
………I beg your pardon?
Did he just profess cross-dressing as a philosophy? Or am I missing something here?
The old man is nodding slowly in agreement with his own cryptic statement, and I can’t bring myself to ask him what the hell he meant. He looked so serious when uttering that…utterly bizarre sentence.
“Well, the first part about not understanding a maiden’s heart, I can relate…” I sigh dejectedly as the fading memory of a certain brunette crosses my mind.
Probably having noticed the forlorn expression on my face, the Elder leans closer, our faces almost touching. “Ooooh…I sense a story. Would you care to share your misadventures with this dried up shrivelled old man?”
I don’t really mind, but…before answering, I quickly move away a few feet. It isn’t so much the invasion of my personal space that bothers me as much as the unsettling close-up on his wrinkles. National Geographic would have a blast organising a speleological expedition on that forehead.
Once at a safer distance, I shrug, trying to downplay the whole affair, even though, for me it had been quite a distressful episode. “Nothing much to say. Her name was Jenny. I thought it was love. Maybe I was wrong. Point is, she left me. Simple story.”
A bony hand pat my shoulder understandingly. “Was she stolen by another lad?”
“Nay.” I sigh. “…By another lass.”
“…”
“…”
I watch the comers of his thin wrinkly lips twitch. My eyes narrow. Don’t you dare…
“…hohoho…hohohohohohoHOHOHO…”
As the old man falls over backwards in laughter, I let my consternated face drop in my palms.
Someone kill me now.
“…HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOOOOOOO!!”
A vein pops in my forehead.
No. Wait. Kill him first.
* * * * *