Chapter 9: Bluerose Castle
~ Part 2: Ugh…Zombies. ~
You know…
.
.
.
.
…
……
………sigh.
“I wear on me my Lord Sun’s blaze. Let my touch burn the night I graze. [Sunlight Coat],” I chant dully in a monotonous voice. Thankfully, the spell works on mana, not motivation—so a reddish orange shine quickly propagates over my body and weapon, regardless of how little enthusiasm I put.
*shink*
I effortlessly block a blade with my now glowing hammer. Then I twirl and explode the head of my assailant with the…err…not…hammery…end, I suppose? I turn, break an arm, jump kick a leg to smithereens, I swing my weapon and home-run a skull…
…
……
………sigh.
You know…I really did not miss undead. I don’t want to sell them shorts. They have their strength. Numbers notably. And their tendency to add debuff to injury. But they really are boring after a while. Bunch of weaklings. Yeah.
I sidestep the attack of a [Skeleton Lancer], tripping it, and barrel through three…I don’t know…[Skeleton somethings]. I don’t take the time to check and all three have different weapons. At least I can’t blame them for a lack of variety.
I get that my opinion is highly biased because my main affinities are [Light] and [Fire] and I have this high level of stamina and health. This is about the best combination to deal with zombies and other derivations of their kind, so it’s not a surprise I have an easy time. But still…
I’m not even taking any damage. This is ridiculous.
…
……
………sigh.
Why? Just…why?
I guess it’s my fault for expecting anything else in a dungeon ruled by an immortal princess—stress on “immortal”—in a country overrun by the undead. But a man can hope, right?
In frustration, I drop my hammer, grab one of the skeletons by its tibia and start hitting other skeletons with it. “Hehehe.” Okay. This is a little amusing.
I decide to add some circumstantial acting while I’m at it:
“STOP!! This isn’t how you deal with your issues! Oscar! Stop hitting your friends!”
“But! Mum!”
“No but’s!! You are grounded, young man!”
“But I’m a girl!”
“Then why did I call you Oscar?!”
“Because you are a bad mother.”
Am I?
Please don’t pin this on me. It’s Oscar’s fault.
“Right! Don’t take that tone with me, young lady! No goat milk for you tonight—Hey. Wait. Lady Oscar. It actually works. Except this castle isn’t exactly Versailles…What am I doing?”
I whip the skeleton known as Oscar across four others bony undead, blasting them to pieces.
I wonder how their bones hold together in the first place.
Ta gueule c’est magique.
…I deserved that one.
Quite.
However, hitting bones with bones has its limits efficiency-wise. My “weapon” is taking as much damage as it’s inflicting. I’m sure we have a spell to reinforce calcium-based components somewhere in that head. Likely. But I’m too lazy to search through the spell list. Maybe I left it behind the sofa? Sure, behind the—YOU HAVE A SOFA IN THERE?! No, wait. Don’t answer. Never mind. I can just take another bony when this one is finished. True, it’s less bothersome. And it saves mana.
Ahhh…shit.
What?
I’ve lost the sofa too…
…Seems like quite a mess in there.
You have no idea.
“Err…” Anyway. Sure enough, soon enough, Oscar has enough. Cracks spread through its—her?—white vertebrate frame. She crumbles into dust. However, I ain’t one to lose focus and cry a fallen comrade in the middle of a tense fight…*cough*…I look around in search of another…err…victim? Partner.
I come to a rapid conclusion.
There’s far too many of them.
And this is taking far too much time.
I repeat myself, but this is ridiculous. Goblins first, then skeletons? I hope this dungeon isn’t one of those filled only with easily defeated cannon fodder that solely relies on numbers. I’d be extremely disappointed after all that built up. I mean, how many useless filler chapters did we spent getting here?
…Chapters?
Far too many, I tell you.
What are you talking about?
Just breaking the fourth wall a bit.
…Fourth…Are you feeling alright?
I think being asked about my mental health by a voice in my head claiming to be the anthropomorphic personification of my subconscious invalidates the question.
…I’m going to look for the sofa.
“Well, with that out of the way…” I mumble while distractedly punching through a ribcage and crushing the spine beyond. With my free hand, I point at my feet. “Let fire rise, let the ground burn. Turn all in ashes, prepare your urn. [Land of Fire]” I’d really like to know who came up with those incantations.
Starting from under my feet, a circle of flames abruptly expands, covering the whole battlefield in an instant. Quickly the surrounding skeletons are reduced to mere piles of cinders. “I watched the city burn~ ♫ These passions slowly smouldering~ ♪ A lesson never lear~ned… ♩ Only~ violence… ♪” Impressive, if I may say so myself. Even if it’s not class-specific magic, being a Solar Knight still reinforces my flames to a tremendous extent. I think I even melted the ground a little. What were you saying about saving mana? Oh, shush you. Didn’t you have furniture to locate? Burned it.
Within minutes, I dispatch the few remaining bonies which managed to survive either by luck or because of higher levels. The latter group probably was scattered amongst the crowd of aforementioned cannon fodder and was supposed to take me by surprise. A sound plan—against someone weaker. Nothing looks more like a skeleton than another skeleton. And even with levelling their appearance doesn’t change much unless they evolve into some variant kind.
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Well, in the end, it’s all pointless against me. “Struggle! Struggle and fail, miserable calcium golems! Mwhahaha…haha…agh.” I’m not in the mood.
Picking up a large leg bone left behind by the last skeleton to fall, I twirl it while surveying the charred, crumbling courtyard around me. “My, my…” I’ll admit, most of the damage to the stone walls and floor was already here when I arrived. But my innate sense of decoration really gave the place the little plus it lacked to look truly outstandingly ruined. A small smile lifts the corner of my lips. I’m actually a little proud of myself here. And I’ll also admit there is something a little exhilarating about crushing weakling like ants.
I look at the blackened long bone in my hands. It’s kind of twisted. Maybe that last skeleton was in the process of evolving? Which begs the question of where the higher-levelled individuals might be. I’m relatively sure those babies skullies weren’t all the fleshless undead punching-bags this place has to offer. I hum a song and glance upwards at the looming form of the castle before me. “Well, there’s only one way to find out.”
I am taking a step towards the castle gates—when a thought crosses my mind and I stop. I look at the bone again. It’s really twisted. I chuckle. “Hey…”
Don’t say it.
“I have the weirdest boner right now.” I play majorette with the femur. “Hehehehe.”
I’m ashamed to be you sometimes.
Still chuckling like an idiot, I push the doors open and walk inside.
* * *
Oooooooooooh!! “Gods…” That smell. I really did not miss that smell.
I suppose zombies where the next logical step…It makes sense. But then why am I so disappointed? I sigh loudly as I ready myself to face the horde. I raise my hammer and—Wait. That’s the weird bone. “Where’s my hammer?”
You forgot it outside.
“Aw.” I turn around and exit the room.
* * *
I return two minutes later. Still without a hammer. It wasn’t an enchanted weapon, so the [Land of Fire] melted it along with the skull-heads. That will teach you to drop your weapons during a fight. Yeah…A pity. I kind of liked that hammer.
I don’t even have the weird femur left. After being detached from its main body, it became a simple [undead] item, and my Solar Knight’s [Cleansing Touch] had already turned it half to dust by the time I first stepped inside the castle.
Like I said, a pity.
As soon as I walk back into the large entrance hall, five overzealous corpses jump at me. Eager little fuckers. I slap the five aside with backhanded blow and an annoyed click of the tongue. They fly across the room and splatter on the nearest wall. I grimace. “Eww…” Zombies make much less pretty explosions than goblins. Goblin blood is bright red and shiny. Very pretty. Undead blood is kind of like slightly red tar. It’s sticky and it smells. And it tastes bad. You’re the only one who’d be dumb enough to drink it anyway. Says who? I’m sure others would be interested.
Another zombie staggers in my direction, groaning and arms raised horizontally in a very…cliché manner. That guy really knows how to zombie. One point for trying.
Then the zombie’s left arm falls off and drops to the floor with a slights wet sound.
“…”
The zombie pauses and looks down at his detached limb with what I think is a distraught look on his decomposed face. “Aw—” I interrupt him with a punch through his head. My [Sunlight Coat] is still active and takes care of the blood, vaporising it before my runic armour has time to do it. “Don’t fight amongst yourselves guys.” Are you talking to your equipment and spells? What? You’re jealous? No, I’m speechless. Then shut up.
Without any other immediate threat, I take a second to get a better look of the room I’m in.
It must have looked impressive, once upon a time. Tapestries hang from the walls, large statues of knights line both sides of the hall, and a huge chandelier once occupied the centre of the ceiling. Now the tapestries are rotten, the statues broken, and the chandelier is a crumbled heap of shattered crystal and bent metal at the centre of the floor. Kind of sad.
I also spot a large staircase at the other extremity of the room. Likely my destination. Good news is, it’s not too far. Less good news is, there are several dozens of stumbling cadavers erring aimlessly between me and the stairs. I could use [Land of Fire] again, but I don’t like how flammable those tapestries look. I set fire to a dungeon once, by mistake…I’d rather not do it again.
Most animated corpses haven’t noticed me yet. Although, a few are stumbling in my direction, growling menacingly. “Grraaaah…” On a side note, I’ve yet to find out how zombies detect their prey. So far, I’ve narrowed it down to either smell, sound, or some kind of magical sense. “Grrraaah…” I lean towards the latter. It makes more sense. “GrrrrraaaaaH…” And it can be applied to other undead as well. Skeletons, for example, very famously lack noses or ears…or any organs whatsoever. “Grrraaaah…” But liches can talk and ear. Right. That’s one of the problems. “Graaaah!” This is confusing. It is.
“GRRRAAAAAAH!!!”
“I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME!! STOP BEING SO IMPATIENT!!” With a swift movement, I unsheathe my sword from my back and split the loud and brutish monster in two vertically. “Tsk. Why you gotta be so rude?” Don’t you used to be human too~? Nice one. I think so.
However, it would seem my angry shout attracted the rest of the horde, which is now all converging unsteadily in my direction.
So…is it sounds after all? It can’t be smell. It stinks too much in here to smell anything.
“GRRRAAAAAAH!!!”
“Yes, yes…I heard you.”
This is going to be a pain.
* * *
*SPLARSHhhweeesh*
The body of the last [Lesser Zombie] brutally splatters on the wall and then squishily slides slowly to the floor.
*splortsh*
Standing in the middle of the hall, I stare blankly at the decapitated head still mindlessly biting at my protected forearm, heedless that the engraved enchantments are burning it ali—err…are burning it. “Ahem,” I cough. It seems to get the attention of the head. Our eyes meet. We both blink. Maybe the monster actually sort of understands its dire situation a little, because I think I see it show hints of an awkward apologetic smile—but that’s probably just me hallucinating. I’m feeling a little lightheaded.
After throwing the fleshy skull in a corner—“AAAAAAaaaa-ouch.”—I laboriously stumble towards the stairs leading to the next room. My vision is blurry and I feel sort of nauseous. I think I’m finally suffering from the backlash of rushing without pause through this monster-infested valley. I haven’t rested in…how long? Probably too much if I can’t remember. I could probably calculate the time by looking at my clock, but I’m afraid I’d get depressed.
With a vexed sigh, I pull a long sticky piece of dripping bowel off my bald scalp. “Eww…It’s official. I hate zombies.”
They’re slow, weak, boring, give crappy XPs, even crappier loot, and they stink. They really stink. It’s even worse after I beat them to a pulp and scatter their innards all over the place.
“Ugh…” I think I’m going to be sick.
Normally the visor of my helmet would filter the air, but I have no idea where that blasted helmet has gone. In fact, I can’t remember wearing it during the “fight” with the goblins…did I drop it somewhere? This was bound to happen. You never took care of the damn thing. Hey! That’s—that’s true.
I cover my mouth and nose with a hand to shield them from the awful stench of the place. “UGH!!” A poor move, on hindsight, because my gauntlets are as soiled as the rest of…well…of everything in sight. This fight has been a little messy. A little? Okay. It has been very messy. In fact, I got so much blood and…zombie stuff…on me that the runes on my equipment are struggling to burn everything off.
As I unsteadily walk over gruesomely butchered corpses—looking much like some undead monster myself—I’m too tired to care about what I’m stepping on. Sounds of cracking bones and squirting fluids echoed through the silence.
“I really think I’m going to be sick.”
Please open the window if you’re going to puke.
“What are you talking abou—”
*plotch*
“Oh… great.”
I lower my bleary vision and glare with irritation at my sword, which has escaped my lose grasp and fallen inside the ripped belly of a disembowelled cadaver. Sighing, I bend down to retrieve it. But suddenly I’m overcome by a violent wave of nausea. I choke, throw up, then stagger forwards and fall headfirst into a horrid mixture of puke and putrid innards. “Orgh! Fwor fruckss steak!” I immediately sit back up, emerging from the ghoulish gruel and coughing foreign gore along with my previous frugal meal and mouthfuls of my own blood.
*cough* *COUGH* “Aaaarrr…Dammit! Sweet rotten zombie Jesus! Curse you Chaos! And you, Elder, next time I see you, I slit your throat, rip out your oesophagus and make myself a scarf out of it! Then I’ll heal you and pluck your eyes out, cut your tongue and *cough* aaaaaarrrrgh *cough* and slowly *cough* very slowly break every bone in your crooked body. *cough* Then I’ll heal your, and roast you over a fire with barbed iron stakes shoved up your anal cavity. *cough* *cough* *wheeze* *COUGH* Then…I’ll heal you, *wheeze* cut out your shrivelled man’s parts, stuff them in your mouth, *cough* and sew your lips and then take my time to sever each and every of your limbs. Then I’ll heal you and…” Gasping and muttering a grisly litany in a weak and exhausted voice, I roughly wipe my face.
Then I stay immobile for a while, trying to ignore the disgusting taste in my mouth, and wait for the room to stop spinning.
I also gulp down an antidote potion. Only now did it occurred to me I was probably poisoned. So many zombies inside a closed room? Recipe for lethal gaseous emanations. I bet lower level players would have died just by breathing the air. Not to mention, thanks to Martha, my [Immunity] level went through the roof lately. Sadly, that doesn’t mean I’ll be completely safe from the effect of poisons. Just that I won’t die from it as easily. So I’ll suffer agony for even longer before dying! Thanks, Martha!
Well…“take what you can,” I suppose.
“Ahhh.” I already feel better. That antidote did good. I probably was poisoned after all. “Mmmmh…” Maybe I shouldn’t have turned off the system notifications simply because they were distracting me during my fights. With a resigned sigh, I turn them back on.
When eventually I estimate I can stand up and put one foot before the other in a semi-coordinated manner without falling flat on my face again, I go to pick up his weapon. Then I resume my victorious tottering towards the entrance to the next room.
In my current state, resting would be more than advisable. Unfortunately, a window is now properly informing me that the air here is, indeed, highly poisonous, which sort of denies me that course of action. I could stay here and cast repeated detoxification spells, but that would be a waste of mana. I’d rather save it up for the eventual boss battle. Yeah, right. Hey! I mean it this time.
So I’ll take a break in the next room. I can only pray to Chaos that the monsters there will be understanding enough to let me take a short nap before trying to hit / pierce / crush / curse / possess / slash / eviscerate / stab / dissolve / claw / trample / gut / devour me.
It is a sad day that we have to rely on that guy to take a break.
Very sad.
* * * * *