Chapter 2: Like A Very Lost Soul

~ Part 1: Um… What a Twist? ~

I am floating in darkness.

It’s very… err… dark.

Genius.

I wonder how long I’ve been floating this way... Hours? Days? Months? …Years?

Most likely minutes.

All I can remember is ending my fight with Nutrek and then… nothing. Only darkness. Darkness, black darkness, and slightly darker black darkness.

What could be darker than black?

A pretty decent anime that fell flat on his face in its second season?

Well, that too…

I glance around. Funny that I can even do that. I still retain awareness of my body. I can move it, touch it, but I can’t see it. All I can see is – wait for it – darkness. Shocking, I know. I wonder if this what a blind person feels like.

I sight. This, floating in darkness with no point of reference, right after a fight to the death, this is almost as if…

…Wait.

Did I die?

“Exactly!” a disembodied voice echoes in the dark.

Oh. So I died. Damn. I still haven’t finished Melissa Good’s books.

…

……

…...…

Wait. WHAT?!

“Oh. So you finally caught on. Yes! You died!” This disembodied voice sounds way too chipper about it.

Who is this anyway?

“Oh! Indeed! Where are my manners?”

Abruptly, the darkness fades away and I find myself sitting in a beautiful, cute, and very… pink bedroom. The walls are pink. The furniture is pink. The huge canopy bed is pink. The countless teddy bears are pink. The chandelier is pink. The candles and the light they emit is pink. The curtains are pink.

I look through the window. Even the sky is pink! …and is that pink cloud winking at me? In doubt, I wave back. You never know what an offended cloud might do.

For some reason, there’s a fuming pink teacup in my hand. I take a sip. Oh. This is pretty good tea. Hot, but excellent.

“Thank you! I made it myself!”

“Wha!”

I nearly drop the cup when a chipper high-pitched voice booms right into my ear. My head whirls around and I find myself staring into the sparkling pink eyes of a ten-year-old girl. She has pink twin-tails, is wearing a frilly pink dress, and a small pink top-hat sits askew on her hair. She beams a bright smile at me and then skips towards a pink chair across from me at the low pink tea table.

I’m close to pink overdose.

“Sorry ‘bout that,” the pink girl said while taking a sip of tea herself and waving at the room. “This is my secondary residence. I used to receive guests in the main house, but now it’s infested by evil clowns. So I make do.” She shrugs, as if evil clowns’ invasions were an everyday occurrence.

But the sky is pink, so what do I know?

She’s crazy.

Don’t be judgemental.

“Oh, no. She’s right. I’m crazy,” the little girl chirps in.

See. She agrees.

…I give up.

The crazy girl smiles at me. “It’s better to give up understanding. Ignorance is a kiss. More tea?” She’s holding the teapot in my direction. The teapot is pink of course. With pink kittens motif.

I suddenly notice my cup is empty. I give it to her. “Please.”

Her smile broadens and she pours me some more of the scalding beverage, then hands me back my refill. For a moment, we only drink in silence. Soft music perfuses through the air. Some kind of raucous string instrument. Rather nice, but I can’t seem to recall the name.

“It’s a crwth.”

“Bless you.”

“Thank you. More tea?”

“Oh, gladly.”

She refills my cup again and we continue to drink in silence, to the sound of the crwth.

…

“This tea is really good,” I eventually say.

“Thank you. It’s my personal brand. I’m quite proud of it.”

“What’s in it?”

“A special herb that only grows in the realm of gods. Well, in my part of the realm.”

I raise an eyebrow and take another sip. “Oh. So you’re a goddess?”

“I am.”

“Is that why you can read my mind.”

“More like minds. It’s what I like about you. But yes.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes. More tea?”

“If you offer.” I hold up my empty cup. Those are rather small cups.

“Would you prefer a larger cup?”

“No, no. I’m good? Thank you.”

Time passes in quiet as we drink. This also good. I’ve always enjoyed a good cup of tea. And the company of a cute little girl is a nice plus.

“I’m a trap.”

“Wha-ugh!” I choke on my tea. …Well, I wasn’t planning on doing anything illegal anyway. It’s all about admiring the view.

I comment casually: “Is that so?”

“Not really. I’m androgynous. It really depends on my mood,” he… she shrugs. Which is it in the end?

“Whichever you prefer.”

I vote ‘she’.

Seconded.

“Well, you’re a god,” I reflect out loud.

“That I am,” she nods. “More tea?”

“You’re spoiling me,” I try to protest.

“Please. I enjoy it.”

“Then I’ll indulge.”

“Thank you.”

“No, thank you.”

“No, thank you.”

“No, no, thank you. I’ve never drunk such excellent tea.”

“No, thank you. It’s been a while since I had such civil company.”

“No, thank youu.”

“No, thank youuu.”

“No, thank youuuuu.”

“JUST DRINK THE BLOODY TEA!!!!!” Her head suddenly inflates to double its size, her face turns purple and black smoke erupts from her gaping mouth. The pink room shakes and some pink plaster falls from the pink ceiling.

I quickly take a sip from my newly refilled cup and smile at her. “It’s really excellent.”

“Thank you!” She’s back to her previous appearance before I could blink, and the little self-proclaimed goddess beams happily at me.

We keep drinking. The chandelier sways slowly above our heads. The crwth seems to struggle with a particularly complex arpeggio.

“Ahhhhh…” I sigh in contentment. This tea is really good.

Are we just going to ignore that?

Ignorance is a kiss.

I finish my cup and set it down on the table. The kettle is empty, I guess, because when I glance in its direction it vanishes in a puff of pink smoke after addressing me a shy apoplectic look.

“So…” I turn in direction of the little girl, who casually throws her own empty cup against a wall, where it shatters. Her smile never falters and she keeps her eyes fixed on me the whole time.

“So,” I try again. “You mentioned I was dead, am dead, what’s up with that?”

“RIGHT!!” She slams both her hands against the table top and jumps on her own chair. She snaps her fingers and the sound of trumpets explode in the room, drowning the crwth. The nearest teddy bear convulses and throws up a storm of pink confetti towards the ceiling.

“Congratulations!! You are the first human to die due to a malfunction of your gaming capsule! As such, you gain the Grand First Ultimate Price and get reincarnated inside Untold Tales as the new Demon Lord!” She grins widely at me. So widely in fact that it creeps literally to her ears, cutting through her cheeks that split apart without a drop of blood.

She spreads her arms, apparently too fast because the left one shoots out of her sleeve and lands atop her canopy bed. She doesn’t seem to care however because she keeps staring at me with bloodshot eyes. “So what do you say?!”

“…”

“…”

“…Command. Log out.”

▲ ▲ ▲

I open my eyes, blink a couple times and extend an arm. My hand hits a hard transparent surface. I push. The curved window pivots and I raise my upper body.

I’m sitting in what looks like an unholy crossbred between a futuristic sarcophagus and a suppository. My glance wanders through my surroundings. Stars and galaxies. A globe. A white ceiling with glowing wasps nest hanging randomly. Shelves filled with a heteroclite mess that seems to have been gathered from all over the known world by someone who had no idea of the use of any of these items. A green-skinned face with compound eyes stares at me with what I like to think of as confusion, holding an alarm clock. A round mattress buried under a mountain of pillows.

If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen. Please report the violation.

Nothing pink.

Yep. My bedroom.

I lay back down and close the Plexiglas lid of the capsule.

▼ ▼ ▼

I open my eyes, again, and this time, I am greeted by a red-faced and visibly angered little girl. Though now half her face is covered in thick fur and one of her pupil is slit while the other side of her face seems to be melting. Around us, the pink room is collapsing, revealing the endless abyss beyond.

“So… I’m still dead?” I might sound a little sarcastic.

“You… You… You…” she stammered. Her face keeps reddening and ugly veins start pulsating on her forehead which keeps… inflating? “YOOOUUUUUUUUUU!!!”

This is how I witnessed a little girl in a cute pink frilly dress exploding.

There’s little that can prepare you to a little-girl’splosion.

It’s… messy.

And pink.

Apparently, the insides of little girls are made up of pink jelly.

Who knew?

“YOOOOOOOOOOUUUUU!!!”

A disembodied shout shakes the whole pink room which starts collapsing even faster. I hold myself to the tea table. Only now do I notice I’m still in Elric’s body, but wearing a casual garb instead of my silver armour. Not that it’s surprising. This weird place should still be somewhere inside the game.

Suddenly, the same teddy bear as before opens a maw twice the size of his body and vomits a torrent of confetti, but rainbow-coloured this time.

The flood of tiny pieces of paper engulfs me. I try to swim against the current of confetti, but it is hopeless. I'm swept away, along with the pink furniture. I nearly die when a frightened canopy bed pulls me in a suffocating four-poster hug. With a thought, my armour appears around me, saving me from being killed. I don’t think that’s what people think of when they talk about your deathbed.

Then the confetti river abruptly turns into yodelling butterflies and disperse, leaving me falling through fluffy orange clouds, along with the bed and a very elegant green-haired man in waiter uniform – waistcoat, white shirt and spotted bowtie – calmly sitting cross-legged in the air and drinking tea from a top-hat.

“Do you know how difficult it is for me to hold a single appearance for so long?” His voice sounds disdainful and posh, and it is completely unhindered by the wailing wind rushing past us.

We drop through another cloud, and the man is gone.

The bed abruptly screams in terror with a young woman's voice.

"I CAN'T SWIIIIIIIIIM!!!! BECAUSE I'M A BED!!!"

…what?

Just float.

I look down, just in time to see the boundless ocean I'm about to crash into. I barely have time to dismiss my armour and adopt a diving posture before piercing through... a sofa?

I emerge, hands above my head like a spear, from the padded surface of a divan, in the middle of a clearing. Tall purple and white trees surround me. The ground is littered with glowing noses sneezing loudly.

This keeps getting weirder.

“Do-hoo-hooo you-hoo-hooo always spit on the efforts people do-hoo-hooo for you-hoo-hoooo?” someone howls from above.

I look up and meet the eyes of a red owl with three wings, the third one spurting upside-down from its back. The odd bird opens its beak and the same loud childish voice comes out again: “Do-hoo-hooo you-hoo-hooooooo?”

*ting*

Divine Skill obtained: [Universanimal Language]!

“Wait, wha–”

“Do-hoo-HOOOOO YOU-HOOO-HOOOOOOOOOO?!?!??”

The voice of the bird abruptly gains in intensity. A soundwave hits me like a like a hammer and a burning sensation spreads across my scalp. Still stuck in the divan from the waist up, I grasp my head in pain. Something stringy falls through my fingers. My hair.

I'm losing it!

Nothing new there.

I'm talking about my hair!!

*tutu*

You have been [Cursed]! You are now [Bald]!

How is that a status alignment?!

What is going o–

“Do-hooo-hooooo you-hoo-hooooo… dance?”

Oh no! Not agai– …Wait. What?

*ting*

Divine Skill obtained: [Got the Moves like an Owl]!

I don’t even…

Don’t think about it.

Around me, the forest starts to decay at the speed of a fast-forwarded movie. The weird bird is nowhere to be seen. Soon only my sofa and I remain, stranded in a desert of ashes. Then the sofa itself splinters and I fall face-first in the warm grey powder.

I push myself up, coughing. My eyes sting and my vision is so blurry I can see nothing but indistinct smudges. I feel around in the cinders. My fingers make contact with a warm fuzzy object. I close my hands around it and wipe my face with its soft surface. Finally, I can see again.

I look down at the thing I’m holding. It’s thick, squishy and covered in small white hair. And long. Very long. My gaze trails along the vaguely round flexible shaft, up to a pair of imposing curved tusks and red beady eyes filled with tears, belonging to what looks like a giant furry white elephant.

In other words, it’s a mammoth. An albino mammoth.

The whole body of the beast is trembling and I hear sobs.

“My-My-My f-f-f-f-first…”

What… “Ah!” I quickly let go of the trunk. “I’m sorr–”

“KYAAAAAA!! PERVERT!!!”

I’m brutally interrupted by a heavy blow to my waist from the said trunk. All the air is expelled from my lungs, my body bends in two and everything blurs as I am propelled across what feels like several miles, ricocheting on the sea of ashes before eventually coming to a stop. I think all my bones are broken. I can’t move. In the distance, I still hear the fading high-pitched scream of the mammoth.

Face half-buried into the powdery ground, I mumble dejectedly: “I’m not into pachyderms.”

I don’t discriminate against fat women. They have their charms. As everything, it’s a matter of avoiding the extremes. But still, ten thousand pounds is past my limit.

I bet she’s a high maintenance girl anyway.

Well, she is a white elephant of sorts.

I’m rapidly sinking into the ground. It would seem I landed in quicksand… quickash? I can’t move, so might well take a nap. Plus, I’m tired.

“You know, I did a lot of preparations for this meeting.”

Who now?

At the sound of an androgynous voice, I reopen my sole eye which remains free. It’s a cactus this time. A blue cactus. A talking blue cactus. A talking blue cactus wearing a poncho, and a top hat.

Weird. Shouldn’t it be a sombrero?

That’s what shocks you?

Well… you know… I just got slapped across a desert of ashes by a female mammoth who accused me of sexual harassment. I feel like my whole life got put into perspective.

The cactus speaks again: “I gathered information. Cross-referenced my ideas. Wrote a plot. I thought ‘Reincarnation and a loli goddess. Adventurers love loli goddesses, right?’”

That’s… kind up to the individual. I personally don’t dislike it, but I’m not a lolicon. Like I said, it’s all about the view. And cuteness is justice. Rule 3 I think.

The cactus doesn’t seem to pay attention. Though maybe it can’t read thoughts. I just assumed it could based on the top hat.

“I rehearsed so much. But noooo! You had to go and ruin it.” It ends with a heavy sigh. The hat slips a little to the side, like dropping ears. It’s rather cute, and this cactus sounds very dejected about whatever it’s talking about. I feel a little guilty. I want to pat its head to comfort it. But I can’t. Because it’s a cactus.

And I’m still broken and stuck in quickash.

Sorry cactus.

I keep sinking and soon darkness engulfs me once more. Contrary to my expectations, I’m neither suffocating nor crushed by the weight of the dead soil above me. It’s almost as if I am back to square one, in the endless void. Only this time I feel a force pulling me down.

Just before my head completely disappears into the ground, one last sentence reaches my ear.

“I think left is the best option.”

* * *

“…Ow. My head.”

For the third time, my eyes snap open, and I slowly raise in sitting position. I am in the middle of a crater, surrounded by the ruins of what used to be the [Sacred Oak Grove]. My whole body hurts like a truck ran me over. Twice. My head hurts the most. And I’m back in armour.

I slowly blink as my gaze wanders dazedly over the devastation that is partially my doing, partially an undead magical squirrel’s, but mostly mine.

…

……

………

What just happened?

Hell if I know.

* * * * *