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CHAPTER 23: TU QUOQUE MI HIRCI?!
I throw my loosely braided white hair over my shoulder and pull on the red leather of my new skin-tight outfit, trying to get comfortable. There are a bunch of straps everywhere on this thing, so thankfully it’s plenty adjustable, but it just… tends to wedge in awkward places.
Well, it’s worth it just for the face Thena made when I came out of Martha’s bedroom wearing it, and the glance she keeps sending me even now. Feminists everywhere might want to skewer me for saying this, but I really like the lustful attention… Meh. I’m not really a woman anyway, so who cares?
Me? Well, not that I disagree, mind you.
See.
Although…why did Martha have a Mord-Sith’s dominatrix outfit in her bedroom…
Better not to question it.
…I guess so.
It suits you wonderfully, though. Very sexy.
Aw~ thank you.
“Vicky? We need to get going.”
I blink and stop staring introspectively into space—or rather at the green mountain hiding the huge valley within and glowing in the cursed kingdom’s eternal cloudy darkness. I turn towards the hot green Amazon of a woman, who’d just politely closed the door of Martha’s now empty house. She’s really a tidy person, isn’t she?
“Yes, yes, I kno—Thena!” Movement down the street snatches my attention. A [Zombie] comes into view a few houses down, coming from the direction of the village entrance. The semi-orc spins at my shout, her gaze following my pointed finger. Despite the darkness, she soon spots the undead monster and immediately springs into action. In five leaps, she is on the monster. Her cursed shield smashes in its torso. The result paints a nearby house dark red.
…
……
………Ouch.
Her class may have no damage bonuses, but against those rotten bags of flesh it doesn’t really matter, I guess.
They’re hella squishy.
Indeed.
I quickly catch up to her. My glowing eyes cast a soft light upon her.
…I really need to figure out how to switch those off.
Thena is looking at her bloodied shield with a frown. “They’re really weak,” she comments.
Meh. “It’s more a problem of numbers, really.” I shrug and glance down at the still wriggling remains. “And immortality… kind of.” The torso and head of the thing had essentially been pulverised. However, the legs are wriggling creepily on the ground, and a pair of detached arms are still clawing at the gory dirt and crawling towards us like hideous caterpillars. “You can’t kill them with just physical means.”
Thena nods but doesn’t look at me. Her vigilant gaze is scanning the street. “We need to stay quiet. We’ll try to reach the wall before more notice—”
“It won’t matter,” I stop her. “They’re cursed corpses. They move, but they can’t really see, or hear, or smell, or anything. They sense the mana in the living. They’ll know where we are. They already know where we are.” I may or may not have used an exaggerated spooky stage whisper for that last sentence.
Where’s a good flashlight when you need one?
Thena swears softly under her breath, using words not safe for a young audience.
*aaahhhhahhhhh*
We don’t have time to “plan” further, though. More wheezy corpsies are already coming towards us to take a bite of my sweet sexy behind and Thena’s probably equally luscious butto—THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR THIS!!
There’s always time for some leering and fantasizing.
Shut up. I need to focus. I’m trying not to get myself killed for once.
What a novel concept.
Silence.
While I (attempt to) clear my mind, Thena pivots to face the decayed group stumbling very slowly down the street like homeless drunks. She gestures for me to approach. “Stay behind me and keep up with me. We’ll have to break through.”
“Kee-Keep up? O…Okay.” Please don’t run too fast. I’m a [Sheltered Lady], remember?
Stupid debuff title… I like how she just orders us around, though.
I said SI-LENCE!!!
Say I’m wrong and you don’t enjoy it.
………that’s not the issue.
In my arms, Toto the Possessed Plush Puppy wriggles out of my grip. He uses my shoulder as a spring board, then my face—“Humph!!”—and jumps up to Thena’s left shoulder.
“Woof!” He barks defiantly. A small burst of blue flames bursts out of his fluffy maw in a huff.
Thena shoots a glance at him then at me. “Ready?”
I glare at the puppy. You’re supposed to be my spell-bound servant, you ungrateful whelp!
“Vicky?”
I exhale. “A second.” Ignoring Toto’s unruly behaviour, for now, I take Francis from my back where I strapped it.
I hold up the pan up with both hands. My eyebrows scrunch in something I hope is resolve and not anxiety. I would never be truly afraid of anything in-game—it’s not like the danger is real—but as I recall the horde outside, I can’t help but shiver. There is a visceral “nope … nope … nope” running through my body in a loop, a bit like most humans would feel when confronted with a swarm of bugs.
What can I say? It’s creepy.
Nevertheless, I knew we would be facing the undead at some point. Erwyn is full of them. You can’t cross the country without running into a bunch of animated cadavers. Thus for the past week, I’ve been trying to come up with a way to destroy the necromantic puppets without my usual repertoire of holy spells.
Did I mention I used to be Paladin of the Sun? A [Solar Knight] to name the class.
And now I’m a vampire… half of one anyway.
Oh, the irony.
Well, sadly, as far as alternative ways go of killing so many zombies, I drew a blank.
I mean…
Just because I do know a lot of random stuff, that doesn’t mean I have all the answers. I used to be able to shoot holy magic out of my eyeballs, for the gods’ sake!!! The question: “how to take out a horde of undead without light/holy magic” had never been much of a priority issue before!!
Ahem. Rule 94: “Expect—
Expect the unexpected. I know, I know. Don’t be a smartass.
But rule 92 says “It’s impossible to be prepared for everything.”
I mean, obviously. If it was possible, I wouldn’t die so darn often!!
…True enough.
Thus I did what I could for the past week. I used the ritual ink and paper I’d found in the Elder’s home to replenish my spells repertoire and I freely pillaged Martha’s reserves for alchemical ingredients to brew countermeasures. I am currently wearing several belts of flasks filled—I believe—with highly explosive and unstable solutions.
Alchemical impact grenades, if you will.
Reckless much? Well, see it my way. With my puny HP pool, I probably wouldn’t survive a serious hit. If I trip during our flight, there are a 95% chances I’ll get swarmed before Thena gets to me. Lastly, even if she does reach me, unless Deus Ex Machina, we’ll get both swarmed and eaten anyway.
Not a pleasant end.
So I might as well blow myself up.
Between eaten alive and blown to smithereens, I choose the latter. It’s less painful. Trust me, I know. I’ve tested both… on multiple occasions. And—
“Vicky? They’re getting close.”
Who—? Oh. Right. Trehee~
Okay. Serious mode activate!
You have a seri—
Silence!!
I square my shoulders and nod gravely at Thena. “Lead the way.” Without another word, the semi-orc woman takes off at a light jogging pace. She offers quite a spectacle, in her black cursed armour trailing ominous black smoke with purplish shine, with her reddish copper hair flowing freely behind her… and a stuffed puppy on her shoulder.
I fall into steps.
The first few undead are dispatched much in the same fashion as the first: turned into avant-garde murals that would awe Dexter Morgan. The numbers of foes only start increasing when we near the village entrance. There, we eventually find out why. The source of that loud noise earlier also becomes apparent. One of the two heavy panels of the wooden door is lying on the ground and undead are scrambling inside through the gap in the tall fence.
Without breaking stride, Thena charges at the mass of corpse. I stick close, trying to ignore the pain already spreading through my legs and my short breathing. I’m already failing at Rule #1 in case of zombie apocalypse.
Cardio.
Ugh!! Gods know I love this sexy body, but why is it so fucking weak?!
Stop distracting me, I’m busy not dying.
The Shield Bearer barrels into the mass of undead like a ball in a bowling alley… if the ball turned the pins to paste. Gore flies everywhere. Bits of... something splatters on my face and hair, and I taste something foul and squishy. But I don’t have time to worry about that. I follow into the path of destruction Bulldozer Thena leaves in her wake, keeping my head down and clutching Francis, and maybe with a manic grin on my face.
Perched atop Thena’s shoulder, Toto opens fire on the undead. Literally.
He opens his tiny plushy maw and unleashes a torrent of soulfire worthy of the dragon he was—the dragon he is? It’s a little confusing.
The magical flames burn through the bodies and even necromantic magic itself, freeing the cursed souls and dropping their empty rotten shells like flies. Soulfire is about as effective as holy magic, I suppose. Sadly, the range is a bit lacking. What wouldn’t I give for a good ol’ AoE holy smiting spell right now?
You’re half-vampire. That would kill you.
…right.
Bummer.
With Toto’s help, more and more zombies are turning to ash and we keep digging deeper into their ranks.
However, there are just so many of them. You can’t truly appreciate the full power of an undead swarm until you get trapped in one without your usual arsenal of holy nukes. Thena’s charge eventually slows down under the weight of the inhuman press.
I think she is slightly displeased about that.
“…fucking pieces of rotten bastard get out of my fucking way stupid dead shit fucking bloody disgusting pieces of putrid shit FUCK damn fucking sick shit...”
Not sure why I would think that.
A corpse stumbles at me through the wall of flames. I’m startled and let out a girly squeal I shall forever deny. Angry at the humiliation this cheap Z-movie extra inflicted upon me, I ignite Francis and fry its rotten face!
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BLAM!!
“HAH!! TAKE THAT YOU ROTTEN FUCK!! It’s Friday!! Fry-day!! Get it?! Hahahahahahaha!”
…
……
……...Sorry. It’s the nerves.
Francis hits and the zombie’s skull not so much fries as explodes under the force of the enchantment, showering me in gore. I spit. “Eww…” I shot a quick glare at the pan burning with soulfire, similar to Toto’s but purplish instead of azure blue, and I keep running.
On a side note, it’s not even a good artefact—Francis I mean. To be honest, it’s makeshift and inefficient.
Oh, sure, the effects are quite amazing—if I may say so myself—but the mana cost is prohibitive to anyone who doesn’t have my current absurd mana pool. A [Wind Blast] spell would achieve the same blunt force impact with half the mana.
On the plus side, though, it bypasses the casting time by removing the incantation entirely—that’s the point of the runes, you see—and speed-casting is exactly what I need at the moment.
“Grrraaaa…”
Another undead lunges at me—or rather, it falls fast in my general direction. The angle is awkward and I can’t properly wield my frying pan. However, with a thought, half my blood-crystal jewellery liquefies and flies up. A wave of red fluid smashes into the monster’s skull, causing the creature to stumble back into another burning zombie and catching fire in turn.
I love [Higher Hemokinesis].
I call back the blood and order it to spin around my head like an oversized demonic halo, on the ready for another strike.
“Hmm… That’s not good.” Feeling like we are slowing down a little too much, I free a vial from my belt and lob it over Thena. I aim as far as I can… because I have no clue about the blast radius. Hehehe.
For a few seconds, nothing happens. As I homerun another zombie with my burning frying pan, I wonder briefly if I didn’t hurl a vial of experimental maple syrup instead.
That’d be embarrassing.
A deafening blast answers my question. I feel the shockwave wash over me, along with a cloud of dust which thankfully Thena shields me from. Looking up past her broad back, I watch in fascination as a dismembered head is propelled upwards. I’d swear the head is looking as stunned as I am.
“……eh.”
Holy nukes!! That stuff is way more powerful than I remembered!
I gulp and cast a wary glance at the ten or so remaining vials strapped to my body. I’m starting to reconsider the judiciousness of my plan. “Please don’t blow up…” I whisper.
Potential risks aside, though, while I doubt the big boom “killed” any zombie, it sure opened a nice clearing. Thena rushes in like a… well… like a tank. Big armoured bulldozer with a turret shooting death at the enemy. Textbook definition. Of course, the turret is a puppy, but that’s beside the point.
“What the fuck was that?!”
She sounds upset about something. What may that be I wonder?
“Alchemical explosives!” I shout back.
“Bloody— Warn me next time!!”
“Okay!”
“You… Never mind. Hang on, there’s more in front.”
No shit, Sherlock!
Momentum regained, Thena the Tank crosses the clearing and bulldozes into the charred mass of groaning corpse at the other end. I think she added a [Shield Bash] for good measure, but I can’t be certain from behind.
We repeat the same manoeuvre—rush, crush and roast until we’re jammed, kaboom, then repeat—until I’m out of bombs… and out of breath too. “Then—Thena… I… I can’t…”
“Come on! We’re halfway through!”
“Haeeelf?!” My voice breaks.
Bloody nuts of the Devil! Why did Ambrose think it was necessary to make this clearing so vast?! It’s not like the Kansans even needed those fields! They’re ghosts! Spirits!! They don’t eat!! They just farm for fun!!
And now their agricultural hobbies are going to get me killed.
“Ambrose… bastard… kill…”
I agree, Princess. But please stay quiet. It’s already hard enough to coordinate your weak and clumsy limbs.
He’s right, Princess. Ever heard of fitness and psychomotricity exercises?
“Fuck… you…”
Now, listen to me, young lady, you don’t get—
SILENCE IN THERE!!!
I circle my weaponised cloud of liquid blood around me furiously, giving it a sharp edge and slicing through zombies like a circular saw. I’ve lowered it to knee level. It doesn’t kill the zombies any more than beheading would, but at least the legless undead can’t follow me, while a headless one actually has no problem doing so whatsoever.
Seriously. Were those always this bothersome?
I guess OP holy magic does make a big difference.
…sigh. I never missed my paladin avatar as much as right this instant.
We keep running for an unknown amount of time. Our flight is tense yet monotonous. I got through the same motions countless times until my arms and mind grow numb. Even my inner voice has fallen silent.
When I get too annoyed and bored, I mix a [Lightning Bold], [Fireball], [Rock Bullet], [Wind Blade] or [Water Spike] between my frying pan swings to release some pent up frustration through flashy basic spells. I quickly stop, however. For one, it does practically nothing. Undead don’t care about crippling injuries. For two, chanting the incantations makes me lose my breath faster. And, for three, I may not fear Toto's soulfire thanks to my class’ practical immunity to aggressive [Soul Magic] but I can’t say the same thing about normal flames summoned by [Fireballs].
The one corpse I hit with a [Fireball] nearly set me on fire by falling on me. I swear. Those immortal zombies are already enough of a pain in the bum normally. I don’t need immortal zombies on fire to come after us!
Thena is slowing down again. Which is as well, because my legs won’t carry me any faster than a tottering jog anymore. I bash a zombie with my pan and nearly fall over in exhaustion. The situation is looking bleak. The tidal horde tightens around us, we’re barely past the halfway point to the trees, and nothing tells us the forest isn’t as infested with the rotten pest as this clearing is.
The thunder rumbles in the dark clouds above like the sound of a mocking evil god.
We’re probably going to die.
I’ll admit, though...
“This is fun!”
The adrenaline, the despair, the ineluctable doom, but at the same time the elating certitude you aren't in any real danger. Uuuuuuuuh!! So good! That! That is the essence of VR gaming!
There’s nothing in the world quite like it.
Rule 97: “The hardest part when everything goes to hell, is pretending not to be excited.”
Hehehehehe.
“Vicky? You said something?”
“Wha—Oh. I said... I can’t run... anymore,” I save lamely. Err…
“We’re almost in the forest! Hold a bit longer. I can’t carry you and fight at the same time. There are just too many of them. The treeline is near.”
“And then what?! There are going to be more of them in the woods!”
“I’m thinking of a plan…”
Hey! That’s my BS line.
Yet another corpse breaks through Toto’s continuous barrage, almost catching me off guard. “Oh for fudge’s sake!!” I manage to send it flying back to its burning comrades with a well-placed blow from Francis, but the fatigue and my upset balance send me pummelling to the ground. I hit the dirt with a groan of pain and the mass of corpse immediately closes in me.
Shit.
“Vicky!!”
A form of black metal blasts through the monsters before they can sink their teeth into my tender maidenly flesh. Thena. How did she turn around so fast? Damn, she’s cool. That’s my girl.
The impressive woman stands above me, punching, kicking and… err… shielding. Her handsome—in my opinion—green face is furious, with her prominent tusks gritted in angry determination as she basks in the blue glow of the flames that the dragon puppy, now on her head, vomits tirelessly while spinning around like a mad weathercock.
Damn, she’s hot.
I concur. You’d made Greek mythology epic out of her.
I wonder if she fucks the princess at the end of that epic?
That’s a possibi—Hey!!
It’s a pussy-bility?
…
……
………You did not just make that joke.
Sorry.
It’s the nerves.
…sigh.
Jokes aside, though, the situation is a bit desperate.
Like I’d predicted, to come to my rescue Thena has forgone what little momentum she had left. I don’t think Toto, all [Soul Dragon] than he is or was, can keep this flamethrower act indefinitely. And when he runs out of fuel, we’ll be the one toasted.
“Thena! Leave! Go without me!”
“I’m not leaving you!”
Stupid.
Seriously.
I can’t make it. But maybe she can. Durability is her strong suit after all. If not for me dragging her down, I bet she’d have broken through this encirclement already. If I die, I’ll just respawn at the nearest town in four in-game days. I’m reasonably sure I can make it back to her by following my link to Toto. Even if the little bastard isn’t listening to me like he should, I can feel the bond between me and the dragon’s soul.
But if Thena dies, gods know where her closest saved [Resurrection Altar] is. Certainly nowhere in Erwyn. It would take me weeks at the very least to make my way to wherever she’d end up—assuming I can feel my connection to the dragon’s soul over whatever distance will separate us. I’ve never actually tested that soul subjugating ritual before, so I’m not sure about the specifics. And I might have botched it by adding the part binding the soul to the puppy toy… maybe.
Well, I can’t deny Thena’s willingness to protect me at her expense does do weird things to my heart… and underbelly.
What can I say? I’m a damsel in distress at heart, with a soft spot for dominant women.
It’s kind of funny, though. I’ve known Thena for barely a few days, I don’t know whoever she might be in the real world, and yet already I don’t want to imagine going on an adventure without that irascible killjoy muscular calculator-head butt-molester of a semi-orc with me. Well, I had started to get rather lonely after soloing for a game year and a half, and she’s just so fun to be around.
However, it’s strange how the thought of being separated from her makes me… angry.
How odd.
The mere idea she might join someone else’s party after my “death” just gives me the urge to beat something up. Preferably that someone else. And preferably until they don’t get up anymore.
…Which reminds me, I… I probably should tell her, shouldn’t I? She’s fighting under the assumption I’ll die if I am killed. Well, sure, I’ll die. But it won’t stick. I’ll get better. She doesn’t know that. Should I tell her?
What do you think?
Maybe. It’s not my choice to make.
What? No smart-ass comment?
It’s your decision. I only give you a kick in the right direction when you’re oblivious to your own feelings. I’m not there to dictate your life choices.
…okay.
I raise my head from where I lay. “Thena.” I don’t shout, but my voice is firm and carries over the ambient noise.
The tall woman doesn’t look down, continuing her losing fight against the endless mob. Still, she growls through gritted teeth. “What?! I’m a little—dammit!! A little busy... right now! Bloody hell!!! Why won’t you die, you piece of crap?!”
“I wanted to tell you something!”
“What? Can’t it wait?!”
“I don’t think so.” I don’t wait for a retort before continuing. “Thena, you’ve been really nice to me, and I haven’t been totally honest with you. I think you should know. In fact, I’m not an N—”
“Aaaaaaaaaapple!!!!”
…
……
………Apple?
Interrupting my heartfelt confession, a bleating howl suddenly echoes through the clearing over the wails of the dead.
Thena is as confused as me. “What the fuck was that?!”
That’s what I would like to know too, but I can’t see anything because I’m stuck between her legs.
A statement I would very much like to repeat under more auspicious circumstances.
Oh, shush you.
You can’t run from your desires.
I preferred when you were quiet, understanding and weirdly philosophical.
I only reflect your own mood, you know?
…never mind.
Further arguments with myself will have to wait because a commotion is happening somewhere in the mass of moving corpses around us.
All I can see are feet, though. A pair clad in metal, and many pairs either barefoot or wearing tattered boots. “What is happening?” I call up at my handsome bodyguard.
“There’s... something… running towards us.”
Helpful. Very helpful.
“Something? What something?”
“I can’t see. It’s dark and that thing’s too short. It’s shoving the undead aside and… Toto. Stop the flame, but be ready to start again!” The lance of fire stops. The undead monsters are still burning all around, but the soulfire fast dies down.
Having rested somewhat, I carefully stand up behind Thena’s back, manipulating what’s left of my tactical frozen blood reserve to form a curtain of spinning shards between me and the moaning zombies. It causes a thick mist of stinky gore to be vaporized onto me as the animated corpses stumble into my improvised meat grinder, but I’m past that sort of thing.
I risk a glance around the body of the tall Shield Bearer, just in time to see the mass of rotten flesh explode outwards. A creature shoves its way towards us, emerging from the newly made hole. Thena readies her shield.
“This…” The creature has black fur, darker than a moonless night, beady solid red eyes, glowing with the flames of Hell, and two serrated horns, rising up then twisting at right angles in opposite directions like the handlebar of an old satanic motorcycle.
It is... a [Black Undead Goat].
And its scream shakes the night.
“Aaaa-Aaaaa-AAAAAAAPPLE!!!”
.
.
.
The situation just lost a lot of its gravity.
…err… yeah…
Hey, Nick. Is it me, or is this goat familiar?
…Now that you mention it—Oh.
“Thena? I… think it wants apples.”
The orc woman shoots me a brief incredulous glance over her shoulder. “...What?”
“Well, it just said— Oh. Right.” That stupid skill. I keep forgetting about it.
For the little anecdote, sometimes before I arrived in Kansas for the first time, more than two months ago, I had a near brush with death—at the paw of a bizarre squirrel lich—which landed my unconscious spirit in the very realm of Chaos Themselves.
My sojourn in that random space was brief, but in the short amount of time I spent there, I was somehow cursed with baldness by a three-eyed owl in a clearing of sneezing noses in the middle of a dead forest while laying on a sofa, and I was also granted the skill to understand all animals. [Universanimal Language], the skill is called. Thankfully, the baldness curse didn’t carry over to my Victoria’s appearance.
However, soon after that fateful day, I discovered that not knowing what critters are saying can be a blessing, and this skill could be a curse. Female ducks especially proved to be gossiping bitches. And I was thoroughly insulted by a juvenile rabbit on two separate occasions! That annoying little piece of sh—
Point of this little tale is. During my stay in Kansas, I made the acquaintance of a gentle goat with a fondness for apples.
I had been wondering what had come of all the animals living in the clearing. I guess I got my answer. It’s… sad? I’m not sure. I can’t say I wouldn’t take pleasure in skinning that irritating rabbit if I cross path with its undead reincarnation. But that goat was friendly, if gluttonous. I’m… well… in this particular case, more confused than sad right now, I must say.
Why isn’t it trying to kill us like the rest? It’s even busy repelling the other undead.
I… guess… we’re saved?
Goat Ex Machina?
The exact terms would be Hircus Ex Machina.
Not pertinent.
“Thena. Give it an apple.”
“Why?”
Sure. Let’s calmly converse in the middle of a horde of killer zombies. “I can understand animals. It wants an apple.”
“You can— Wait. Never mind. Of course, you can speak with animals...” She sighs. “Why ain’t I surprised?”
“......” That kind of hurts, you know?
Well, I myself am puzzled why this zombie goat is more articulate than her human-ish counterparts… but unlike Thena, I’ve learnt to ignore that sort of logical contortions. I just accept them as long as they don’t represent a problem.
Shaking her head, the semi-orc reaches inside her inventory and retrieves one of the fruit we’ve gathered during our trek through Nowhere. She throws it and the black goat catches the apple deftly with her fanged maw—which is clearly not meant for fruits. The goat swallows the apple whole even as it headbutts a zombie, sending it crashing into more of its kind.
“Thaaaank youuuu,” the goat bleats.
Right. Now that I think about it, that animal was always oddly polite.
“What is it saying?”
“It’s thanking you,” I translate.
“......”
Don’t worry, Thena. You get used to it eventually.
The sooner you acknowledge common sense is overrated, the shorter will be your suffering.
I ignore Thena’s tired stare and turn to the goat. “Are you helping us?”
“Yeeeeessss.”
“Why?”
“Oooold maaaan saayyyssss.”
“……”
“Ambrose… Kill…”
Ambrose. Of course. I discreetly glance around. That old ghost must be lurking somewhere. If there’s someone who can send an undead to our help, a two-thousand-years-old [Soul Mage] would be it.
“What is it saying?” Thena asks again, sounding midway between exhausted and pissed.
“It’s here to help.”
“How?”
Hmm… Thena’s willingness to accept help from just any random undead goat that pops up is truly surprising. I mean, I know that hircine creature, but it should be a total stranger to her. Are young girls just that reckless these days?
Nick, focus.
I mean… You’d think she’d be more cautious in this situation! Who knows what ulterior motives this reanimated ungulate might have!?
Vicky! Focus!
Right. Sorry. Sorry. But it still worries me.
Blinking back to focus, I consider the undead animal before me. The black goat is still keeping the other corpses at bay.
My eyes focus on its handle-like horns. A light bulb lights up in my mind.
“Thena.”
“Yes?”
“You were not running at your full speed earlier, right?”
“No. You’re pathetically slow.”
Ouch. Hehehe. That… That’s my Thena. Brutally honest as always.
“Then, here’s what I suggest...”
* * *
About thirty minutes later, we finally burst out of the rotten crowd. Thena is leading the charge, in all her muscular, armour-clad glory, covered in grime and entrails, running at full speed like an unstoppable battering ram, ridden by a fire-breathing stuffed puppy Border Colie with glowing red eyes... and I am riding the goat, hot on the semi-orc’s tail, with my frying pan, Francis, fiercely raised in defiance to the heavens.
“Yahooooo!!”
My shout of joy is echoed by a now familiar bleating.
“Aaaaaapple!!!”
That’s my fearsome new mount’s battle cry.
Far from me the thought to judge it.
Epicness can, after all, take many forms.
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaapple!!”
“Yahooooooo!!”
“Wooff!!”
“…………………………………….............sigh.”
Don’t worry, Thena. You’ll get used to it… eventually.
* * * * *