Side Story: Nutrek Odysseus
~ Dark Asparagus Rises ~
❝ Very Very Mysterious Narrator ❞
In a place where Death rule—
✶ ✶ ✶
“SHOW YOURSELF!!!”
“…Argh. Not again! How does she keep doing this?!”
“YOU CAN’T HIDE!!!! I’LL BURN EVERYTHING UNTIL I CATCH YOU!! GIVE HIM BACK!!”
A torrent of flames washed over the tundra, melting the ice covering the ground, then the ground itself. The ocean of lava quickly transformed into a stampede of salamanders fleeing the heat, far too excessive even for them. And they were made of fire.
Amongst the scurrying brood, one unremarkable burning amphibian was frowning in discontent. How does she even keep doing that? It is MY realm!! Mine!! Respect your elders, dammit! “Toby, she is YOUR daughter! Do something!”
“She’s your daughter too. Don’t come whining to me every time your lousy parenting comes biting you in the arse. In the first place, even if it’s for a good cause, you’re the one at fault for stealing our child’s toy. Sorry honey, but you’re on your own on this one. Don’t disturb me again. I’m busy meditating.”
Bitch.
“I heard that.”
Groaning audible, the salamander dived into the molten ground. Fast, it morphed into a red mole and dug down with all the might of its eight legs.
✶ ✶ ✶
In a place where Death ruled but reclaimed none, in the country of eternal night where corpses walked the land, more specifically at the border of hilly grey plains home to herds of equine nightmares, a small figure emerged from the dense underbrush encircling the dreadful obscurity of the [Lost Woods].
Lost deep within a fascinating conversation with himself, Nutrek didn’t notice he had left the woods right away, not until his attention was attracted by a familiar tug to his soul. There were usable remains nearby.
Looking around, he was surprised by the scenery he found himself in.
Under a sky as cloudy as ever, spread unending undulating meadows of unhealthy grey grass. Strong gales blew across the landscape, bending patches of ashen blades like as many a wave across the boundless sea, and flapping Nutrek’s [Cape of Very Very Spooky Darkness Don’t Laugh It’s Scary!].
In the distance, Nutrek spotted groups of equine silhouettes tentatively galloping, none of which he recognised as having recently caused any grief to. Satisfied with the relative safety of the place, the runaway hyperactive squirrel allowed himself to relax a notch. He focused back on the soul-infused remains his daaaaaark senses had detected underground below his metatarsi.
“Nice. Alright. Good. Perfect. Let’s not overshot, nor aim to high this time. Not too difficult nor numerous. Right… Right? RIGHT! Every great ruler in history always had a small circle of close powerful retainers, an elite squad, an Order of Knights to serve him faithfully, efficiently and unquestionably. Kikiki-squeeeeak! Yes… Yes? YESSSSS!!! Quality over quantity. That is the key to success! Kikikikiki-KIKIKIKI-KEEKEEKEEKEEKEEKEE!!!!!”
Laughing like a maniac, he crouched closer to the ground—relatively closer, he was kind of short already—and tried feeling the essence of the spirit lingering in this place.
“Mmmh… Mmmh? MMMH!!! Ooooh. This one seems decent, not bad, not great either, not compared to my magnificence, though that comparison is quite unfair since what matter of undead can compare to the Great Us? Ha! No more than a handful. Father of course, and also that old geezer three centuries ago, and…and…and? Maybe a higher vampire? THE High Vampire? Didn’t that man live around here a few thousand years ago? Father told me about him. His name was…Porginor? Perigor? Pelinor? Prognostator? Porridge? Bah, it matters little. He’s long gone, all the vampire are, dead, re-dead, deader and deadest. A shame. Father said they were quite civilised. Tsk. All that’s left are those pesky ghouls. Squeark! Hate those things. Barbarous drooling mess! Ha! Disgraceful! Shockingly offensive shameful unbecoming unseemly low contemptible detestable deplorable execrable vile and vulgar execrable despicably foul sordid worthless piece of dead flesh giving us all undead a bad reputation! Demeaning bastards. AAAAAAAAARGH!! I hate them. Hate them. Hate them. Hatethemhatethemhatethem!!! Grrrr!!!”
Eventually, the bipolar rodent stopped stomping the ground angrily and snorted in disgust—even though he doesn’t have a nose. Yohohohoho!! Then the tiny overlord refocused his attention to the remains of his future potential minion.
“This one seems to be no ghoul material. Good.” His jaws parted, as if he were tasting the air. “And quite docile. Former natural undead too. Less likely to be resentful. Easier to deal with. Mmmmmh. Well, not excellent, however even someone as great as We cannot be picky all the time. Perfection is built not found in the muck! Rebuilding has to start from the first stone! Kikikiki-squeeeeak! That statement sounded great! Am I great? Of course I am! Kikiki-KIKIKI-KEEKEEKEEKEE!!! Kee… Kee… It’s tiring to laugh… Even though I don’t tire.”
Standing up, the short self-praising undead mage raised his bony arms and gathered all of his unstable mana between his curled up paws. Energy arcs of pure darkness with hints of green crept all over his skeletal body, tearing Reality and Life apart by the sheer violence of their unholy nature. A swirling mass of greenish black plasma started to form over his head, oozing an aura of cold and death.
“Here my call, fallen of the horde! Raise once more and meet your Lord! [Undead Recall]!” He squeaked with might.
The contained hurricane of necrotic energy was casted to the ground, where it sunk like a stone in water sending ripple in the mortal plane.
A few breaths later—even though nothing for several miles around had functioning lungs—oily smoke began to seep from the earth, condensing fast into a shape as dark as a moonless night, a muscular body with four powerful hoofed legs, black smoky mane and tail, and a fanged head punctuated by two fuming orbs of ghastly green that fixed their never-blinking glare onto the immobile and expectant, yet a tad wary, lich who had summoned this creature back to the realm of the living.
“…”
Unsure of the potential hostility of the ghostly horse, Nutrek uncharacteristically waited a few seconds before launching his customary introduction.
Seeing nothing dangerous was happening, he stepped forwards with renewed confidence and placed a paw on his sternum, the other extended graciously towards the one he had just recalled.
“Greetings, O equine spectre!” Somehow, his speech had gotten a bit less pompous. Being chased around by your would-be subordinates had that kind of effect. “I, who stand before you, am the great one who called you back from your slumber, from the darkness where your soul erred, unable to fully detach itself from this material plane. Through my mighty power, I also granted you new strength! From [Erring Fallen Steed], you now have grown, evolved, and emerged a higher [Macabre Phantom Stallion]! A mount worthy of my glorious self!”
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A bit less pompous. Nutrek will be Nutrek.
“And as your new master, I shall nevertheless introduce myself first as a sign of a respect that I hope will grow to be mutual during our future cooperation as—”
“Hou-yyyyhnnnm!” suddenly interrupted the steed.
The mighty squirrel lich started, visible surprised at being interrupted. “I-I-I speak too much?!” he sputtered.
“Hyuun Hympf Hyuhn.”
“What? But I never—!! How dare you?!” Had Nutrek not been made of bones, he would have paled before the sheer insolence of the stallion, whose crass language was indeed rarely heard outside of the docks of Start City. “You lowly being! We are your MASTER! Your lord! Your liege! And you shall address Us as such! Not ‘you’ not ‘shorty’, and certainly not ‘little bony’!!!” Nutrek crossed his arms in a haughty manner and stared…up…at the other undead. “And know Our glorious name is Nutrek Acornazieth the Fourth, but you may call Us ‘Master’. Humph.”
“Hyympfff!”
“…Yes. ‘Boss’ is fine too…I guess…” Nutrek scratched the back of his skull. He felt that somehow he was going to regret raising that one too, but for entire different reasons than his previous rebellious horde.
“Hyounp Hiii?”
“Uh? What flower? Ah!” Patting the top of his skull, Nutrek’s claws came into contact with the stowaway geranium who had ridden him from the muddy pond he once hid in. “How—!! This—!! Uuuuugh!!” Humiliated, Nutrek ragingly grabbed the blooming vegetal which, in his opinion, had been looking down on him. The flower immediately shrivelled in his grasp and fell into dust. “That’ll teach you! Stupid…plant!”
Embarrassed as hell, but thankfully having no blood to blush with, the critter overlord tried to smoothly change the subject. “Errr…and what might be your name, O my first retainer?”
“Hauhi heeerf Hihihihi…”
“Right right…very funny…hilarious…my sides hurt…Haha…So, your name?”
“Hyyppffnmuuhuh.”
“…”
If Nutrek had eyelids, he would have been blinking in confusion and slight consternation right now. His jaw properly dropped though. Literally. He picked it up from the ground and fixed it back to his skull before addressing the stallion with disbelief.
“Say that again?”
“Hyyppffnmuuhuh.”
“A-A-Asparagus? What the fuck is that for a nam—*cough* Errr…But names do not matter!! No, they do not! So, you are the [Macabre Phantom Stallion “Asparagus”]! My steed! My—O Lords, why…” Nutrek fell on his paws and kneecaps, skull down and feeling like the weight of the world was pressing on his spine.
“Hyyu?” neighed the stallion, hallway between concern and desire start inching away discreetly.
“Damned. This is so stupi—VERY WELL!!” Instantaneously recovering, Nutrek jumped back up, put his fists on his hipbones and threw his head back. “Kikiki-KIKIKI-KEEKEEKEEEKEEE!! Soon [Macabre Phantom Stallion “Asparagus”] shall become synonymous of Fear in the hearts of all mortals! I pledge it before the gods! Very well! I am myself known as the [Mighty Immortal Squirrel Lich “Nutrek Acornazieth the Fourth”]! Now I shall ask you, as pure formality I am sure, as it is unimaginable that you refuse…Do you consent in serving me?”
“…”
Nutrek felt imaginary cold sweat drip along his spine. “I…would like an answer…?”
“…”
“You’re supposed to say ‘Yes Master, I shall serve you forever’ there.”
“…”
“Please?”
“…Humpf.”
“Great! That’ll do!” The squirrel lord looked extremely relieved…for a twelve inches skeleton. “Then let’s get moving. I have reasons to believe some…*cough*…nasty individuals are in pursuit of my person. It would be advisable not to dwell hither much longer. And we have so very many things to do! Many, many, many! Gather comrades. Get stronger. Kill the Light Sword Bastard and then…” Nutrek paused and tilted his skull, seemingly puzzled. “Then…then…errrr…That’s about it…Damn…I thought I was more ambitious than that. Well… Well? WELL!! And then we shall…CONQUER THE WORLD!!!! Kiki-KIKI-KEEKEEKEEEKEE—”
“Hymphuuhuhuhmpf…” Asparagus casted him an askance glance and Nutrek had the good grace to look embarrassed.
“…Yeah. Getting ahead of ourselves…maybe. That’s…That’s exactly what I was thinking too! Of course! Hahaha…Err…Well, we’ll burn that bridge when we reach it. Anyway. Let’s head north first, my loyal slav—”
“Hyyuh!?”
“Comrade! Let’s ride north, my proud and respect-worthy comrade!” He jumped atop his new mount. “Let us go there.” He’s voice lowered to a murmur as he started talking more to himself. “I don’t really want to but…it is time! Yes! It is time for me! Finally the time has come, after seven hundred years, We shall again head back…home.”
*doom* *doom* *DOOM*
Lighting split the skies and thunder rumbled above.
“Onwards Asparagus!”
Nutrek punctuated his shout by pointing a firm bony claw towards the Northern horizon. However…they didn’t move.
“…”
“…”
“Errr…That’s when you’re supposed to start walking…”
But the stallion simply shook his head. “Hyhyhyhy-Urumpf.”
…
……
………
“What do you mean by ‘Employment terms and conditions’?”
* * *
In a…a…a…err…a—Ahhh, pumpkin on a stick. You know where. Am I supposed to come up with an original intro every time?
…Yes? Oh, bloody hell.
So…err…In a very, very spooky kingdom filled with many nasties and baddies…a damned poor hellhole that nobody really cared about, except for some idle divinities with too much free time on their hands apparently, a place where the skies had for eons untold been covered in depressing cumulonimbi…or was it nimbostrati? My clouds are a bit rusty. I’ll have to ask Rayn.
Aaaaanyway, it was in this DAAAAAAAAAAARK and EEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL country that, a few days prior to the Reckless Imbecile’s undoubtedly disastrous—though I predict of hilarious consequences—decision of wilfully ignoring all warning signs and agreeing to jump blindfolded to his ineluctable doom, an underrated self-proclaimed Supreme Overlord of Great Magnificence was trying to contain his temper whilst his newest prospective underling revealed himself the reincarnation of a trade unionist with the minutia of a tax collector.
“NO! NO! NO! NONONONO! And NO!” An upset squeak echoed squeakily in the grey plains, each “NO” accompanied with uncontrolled wisps of green flames bursting randomly in a nice but deadly son et lumière. A couple [Night Mares] stumbling too close were reduced to ashes.
Trembling with repressed annoyance, Nutrek held up the end of a seven-yard-long piece of parchment covered in scribbles and shoved it into the snout of the shadowy black horse facing him. “We’ve been over this already! How many religions do you think I’ll believe you practise?! It’s either the two weeks of Ha’Ouch, or the two of Si’hick! I don’t even understand why I’m supposed to give you days off in the first place!!? You’re undead! You don’t tire!! YET YOU’RE TIRING ME!! HOW DOES THIS MAKE ANY SENSE?!?!”
“Hy-hy-hyrumph Hypy-plop!” the mighty Asparagus snorted.
“Mental strain?! I don’t care! And when was such law ever written?! I’m older than you, you know! There’s no such thing as the ‘Universal Declaration of Undead Rights’!! I’m only being conciliatory here because I’m in such deep shi—*cough* Very well. Let us just agree you’ve got the two weeks of Ha’Ouch and leave the matter at that. Okay?”
“Humpf…” the [Macabre Phantom Stallion] conceded without much conviction.
“Right. Now apply your hoof here,” Nutrek said hurriedly, afraid that the equine scrooge he’d raised suddenly changed his mind again. Fast, he laid on the ground the long, long parchment and designated a blank spot next to his own signature and paw imprint.
After carefully rereading the contract—which took another half-hour—Asparagus eventually agreed on the conditions. He dipped his hoof in the blood leaking from the corpse of a nearby [Squared Stallion] they’d been using as an ink bottle. The evolved equine monster showed no sign of care for his fallen former kin, and he applied his hoofprint at the bottom of the document.
On the squirrel lich command, the contract magically rolled itself and disappeared inside his [Cape of Very Very Spooky Darkness Don’t Laugh It’s Scary] “Finally!” The unfortunate tiny necromancer exclaimed in relief. “Good. Good. Good. Excellent! Now we shall depart fo—”
“Hyyympupupmf?”
Nutrek had what could only be described as a seizure of contained rage.
“I. told. you. I can’t pay you RIGHT NOW!!!”
“Pffffhy-hy-hymn.”
“Squeak! Why did I ever do to deserve this?” Nutrek murmured, massaging his frontal cranium. The mentally exhausted bony rodent was starting to believe he had been a very bad person in a previous life to be struck by this continuous streak of bad luck, including being stuck with this nightmarishly bureaucratic equine freak.
Casting his frustration away, Nutrek added it to the fuel of his anger towards the one he held responsible for all his misfortunes and humiliations, the one he called “Light Sword”, whose real name the poor rodent still had no idea about.
Several miles away, Elric Walker sneezed.
“…Pffffhy-hy-hymn?”
The critter necromancer sighed. “Yes, yes…You will get an indexed bonus for each week of unpaid labour. Satisfied?”
“Humpf.”
“Good. What does an undead horse need money for anyway?”
Asparagus just shrugged.
“You have no idea either, do you?”
The undead stallion looked away and pretended to whistle—a difficult act to pull off without working lungs—while his bewildered master skull-pawed.
“Aaaahhhh…” You will pay for this Light Sword! “Anyway. Let’s get going. We’ve already lost too much time because of your claptraps!” Jumping back on the black horse’s back, he commandingly squealed. “Forwards north, Asparagus!”
“Hyyuh?”
“What is there north?” The ghastly greenish foxfire in Nutrek’s orbits flickered gloomily before he answered. “Like I said before…North is…home.”
*doom* *doom* *DOOOOOM*
Lighting split the skies and thunder rumbled above. Again.
Very timely, this weather.
* * * * *