[http://i.imgur.com/JphzCZ2.gif]
CHAPTER 18: RETURN OF THE PRODIGAL SQUIRREL
❝ One Narrator to tell them all ❞
While our hero was logged out, inside the game…
Announced by the roar of thunder and flashes of lighting, preceded by opaque veils of icy rain, the dark necrotic cavalier approached, riding his vile steed towards the ancestral lair where, in olden macabre days, he once upon a death arose.
Determined they were.
Dreadful they were.
Bringer of death and chaos they were!
With names that made children cry in despair.
“Onwards, my proud…Asparagus!”
“……”
“……irk.”
“Huuuheee-tshuuu!!”
“Was that a sneeze that I heard?! A sneeeeeze?!!! Pitiable! Unbecoming! Disappointing! How can the chosen mount of the great MMMMMMEEEEEE, me the Omnipotent Nutrek Acornazieth the Fourth, the great legendary Immortal Squirrel Lich, succumb to the likes of the common co-o-ho-HO—AH-TSAHHH!!”
“Huhuhuhuhu.”
“……stop laughing.”
“Huhuhuhuhuhuhu.”
“SOMEONE EXPLAIN TO ME HOW UNDEAD CAN CATCH A COLD?! I mean, I am undead, and I don’t understand!!”
Soaked they were!
Too.
As cursed water fell from the mana storm clouds, even the undead felt the chill of its warping corruption…or something.
Those two might just be weird.
For months, they had been on the road, Nutrek the Roden—
“SQUIRREL!!”
Nutrek the Squirrel Lich and Asparagus, his [Macabre Phantom Stallion], a trade unionist in the body of an undead horse, his body shrouded in a black smoke…usually. Right now, under the ceaseless downpour, the smoke had been washed off the “stallion”, leaving a sad excuse for a skinny nag—
“Heeeehuuuuu!!”
SHUT UP, HORSE!! I’m the narrator! I get to say what I want! In fact, how are you even hearing me?
“You’re talking out loud, you idiotic, incoherent, incorrect excuse for a joke! WHO IN THE NAME OF THE FORCES OF DEATH ARE YOU ANYWAY!? SHOW YOURSELF THIS INSTANT, OR BE DESTROYED BY MY WRATH!!!”
What? Oh shit! The mic. There. Better…Cough. Okay, okay—Hop. Memory wipe.
“…eh? Asparagus, why was I shouting?”
“Hueee?”
“Meh. Never mind. ONWARDS!!”
Good. let’s get back to it.
Nutrek and Asparagus had travelled without rest—that’s an undead cheat—through the corpses-filled lands of Erwyn. The journey had been perilous. Very much so. Truly so.
Day after day, new monsters had risen in their way, clearly hostile and obviously trying to attack them. The philanthropic little dark mage had had no choice but to put them down, which he did with immense sorrow—and the fact that those ruthless foes had previously refused to serve under him had held no relation whatsoever with their most regretful demise. None at all.
However, in spite of those terrible encounters, the undead lich and his still-one-and-only subordinate—who recently had felt much more inclined to obey his little master after seeing so many of his fellow animated corpses perish under the bony squirrel’s necrotic flame—had steadily progressed towards their final destination.
Steadily…but slowly.
Indeed an urge to… err… let’s say “sightsee”… yes… an urge to sightsee had swelled in the ribcage of the tiny yet fearsome overlord. Sightsee through winding path, dead ends, undead ends, and many other very… touristic spots.
Again, in no way had they simply been lost.
Everything was going according to plan.
*cough*
However, now, finally, at least, not a minute too soon, they were close to their goal. And they were in a hurry to get there because nobody liked to be outside during a magic rainstorm of actual liquid doom, not even undead monsters. The promise of shelter was, for the moment, overrunning the dread Nutrek felt at the idea of once again returning home and facing his creator, centuries after running away with the latter’s most precious artefact… and subsequently losing said artefact to a random paladin.
Emphasis on “random”… if you catch my drift? *wink*
Father wouldn’t hold a grudge, would he? Nutrek though. Yes, yes, surely, he tried to kill me but… wouldn’t he be happy to see his son back after so long? Surely he would. Hahahaha. Of course, he will. Obviously. Definitively. Probably? Hopefully? Father is a father after all… Hahaha… haha… haha… haha… ha… ha… ahhh…
Darn.
The little animal skeleton shook his skull to get rid of his dark thoughts, and shouted to cover the sound of thunder, “Giddy up, ferocious equestrian comrade of mine! Soon we shall rest in dry abode! In a few minutes, the cave shall be in si-iiii-hiiii-HITSH! —in sight.”
“Hyyuuun.”
“Of course I’m sure! Who the hell do you think I am? I can recognise the landscape of my own childhood home! Those buttocks-shaped rocks right next to this pineapple mountain are unmistakably those I gazed upon during my glorious youth.”
“Hyhu Pft.”
“La-Last time was a perfectly justifiable mistake, a slight misunderstanding, a forgivable slip of my memory. Nothing I should be blamed for. Nor will I accept to shoulder such blame.”
“Hyhu Pft, Hyhu Pft …unp Hyhu Pft.”
“Tha-Tha-That wa-ha—HA-TSHA!! That was entirely, completely, utterly YOUR fault. What manner of a steed does not know which direction is North? Truly, you should be grateful I even keep you under my rewarding employ!”
“Pffuhuhu.”
“Humpf. It’s alright for ME not to know! For I am not the one galloping!”
“……Hu.”
“How DARE you?!?!”
* * *
Five hours, three dead ends, lots of sneezed-out ectoplasm, two cliff falls, six squashed eggs, one very pissed mama wyvern, one giant [Necroblast] and one overcooked lizard later, the mighty duo was… lost.
Again.
“……”
“……”
“………Hu.”
“Oh, shut up.”
* * *
Seven hours, nineteen incorrect paths, one landslide, seven failed attacks by ghouls, one partially successful, one game of tag through the foothills of Tiamat trying to snatch Nutrek’s left humerus back from a mischievous ghoul, and one very, very sorry ghoul later, the incredible duo was… yep… still lost.
“Hmm… How odd… Maybe we should have turned left after the giant stone duck?”
“……”
“Stop looking at me like that. Abort. Cease! Discontinue! Desist this staring at once!”
“…………Hu.”
“Now this is starting to get rude!!”
* * *
It took two more days for Nutrek and Asparagus to find the right cave.
By then the rain had calmed, but themselves had not. The [Mighty Immortal Squirrel Lich] was irritable from annoyance and anguish combined, and the green fire of his cursed soul fidgeted angrily in his orbits. On his side, the black [Macabre Phantom Stallion] kept loudly sighing, each time releasing a puff of corrosive dark smoke and leaving a trail of molten rocks in their wake.
“Now I am definitively, positively, absolutely sure this is the right place.”
“Hyuuunpff.”
“Don’t be insolent. There should be a ward inscribed into the wall over there.”
Jumping down off his mount, Nutrek did a double backflip and struck a landing pose.
“………”
Not letting the consternated silence of his sole audience member any time to settle in, he dashed towards the wall he had mentioned. The cave was obscure, but his flaming orbits made excellent flashlights, casting two parallel greenish rays through the darkness. It looked particularly stupid, but Nutrek didn’t care.
Actually, he had no eyeballs, nor need for light to see, thus he didn’t even notice.
So, this didn’t only look stupid, it was also entirely pointless.
What he noticed, however, was the ward… or lack thereof.
“What? How in the name of Merle is that possible?!”
“Huhihiii?”
“No. I’m sure. I know it should be there. In fact…” He squinted at the wall… figuratively speaking.
This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.
Skeletons don’t have eyelids. Skuuull joooke~!!
Ahhh… I always wanted to do that once.
Alright…
Nutrek, you were saying?
“Ha-HAH!! It was there! It has been broken! But it matters little! I was right! Hahaha! I did not err nor commit any blunder. Hahahaha!! Witness the wisdom and magnificence of your Lord, horse! KNEEEEEEEL before my absolute self. I AM THE GREEEEEAAAAAT NUUU—”
“Pfffrthiiii?”
“WHAT?! Ah… Of-Of course I know why it is broken… It is… err… It was… erm… Father obviously lost his keys and locked himself out. He must have broken the wards to get in. It is a common mistake.”
“……”
“……”
“…Hu.”
“I wonder what the incantation for the [Torture Spirit Cage] was again?”
“HIIIHIHIIIII!!”
Throwing his front legs forwards and slamming his head into the ground, Asparagus prostrated himself in a very un-horse-like motion.
Nutrek nodded haughtily in satisfaction, his small squirrel skull still barely above the head of the laying horse. “Better. Now, my impertinent servant, could you please remind me of the word you just used to describe my unequalled majesty? I don’t have ears, you see. Sometimes worthless things happen to escape my unwavering attention.” Had Nutrek possessed ways to show facial expressions, he would have been smiling sadistically at this moment.
“……”
“I’m waiting,” the tiny lich said, his bony foot tapping slowly on the stone floor.
*tack* *tack* *tack*
“Still waiting.”
“...hu?”
“HOW DARE YOU?!? I am the Death who with Life toyed. Bow before me, or be destroyed! [Necroblaaaaast]!!”
“MUKIIIIIIIIIIII—!!”
*BRAM*
* * *
“Hear my call, fallen of the horde. Raise once more and meet your Lord. [Undead Recall]”
In a small tornado of oily smoke and scorched bones, the sulking undead steed reformed from its charred remains. Satisfied, Nutrek nodded once before turning around to walk deeper inside the dark cave, skipping lightly. “Aaaah…That was liberating. Truly cathartic. Utterly refreshing. I should have done this sooner.”
“……”
Feelin Asparagus’ irritation through their bonds as undead servant and necromancer, Nutrek sneered... figuratively.
Idiot! This is what you get for insulting the great, the magnificent, the absolute Nutrek Aconrazieth the Fourth! I am the Necromancer who shall stand at the apex of Death!! None is greater than me… except for Father.
Of course. Of course. Obviously. I am sorry Father, please forgive m—Ah. I’m thinking. He couldn’t have heard me. Or could he? … Father is strong. Father is the best! Father banzaiiiiii!! ... But what happened to that ward? There shouldn’t be anybody who could break Father’s magic. And nobody knows about this place.
Nutrek’s “father” was one of the strongest necromancers to have walked the continent in the past two millennia. His lair was located in the [Tiamat Mountain Range]. The entrance of the cave opened halfway up the peak which was closest and slightly north-west to Erwyn’s [Capital City Shaun].
Aside from the wards inside of the cave itself, numerous types of barrier protected it. Some were lethal, other simply threw intruders off course and caused them to get lost in the mountains… which ultimately lead to the same result, since the [Tiamat Mountain Range] was infested with all sorts of dragons and subspecies.
But the beauty was in the details.
Like the Devil.
So… it made sense none should have been able to find the secret retreat of the arch-lich, unless, like Nutrek, they knew where to look.
If the wards are out of service, does that mean the barriers are too? Then how was it possible for the great Me to get lost? Could it be that… I have a bad sense of direction?! Me? Getting lost?… Hahaha. Of course not. How preposterous! That is impossible. Implausible even! Out of the realm of reality. The defences must have been removed very recently. Yes. That is the only explanation. Then the offender should still be here!?! HAH-AH!! Beware, trespasser! Nutrek Acornazieth the Fourth shall kick you out of this sanctuary without delay!
Although his reasoning was flawed, the diminutive overlord was unexpectedly partially right. And, as he stepped with half-baseless confidence into the living quarters set up in the deepest part of the cave—followed closely by a brooding Asparagus—Nutrek suddenly froze at the sight of an unknown back standing before him.
Who?!
The place they’d just entered was tidy and organised—for the inside of a cavern—but still looked unwelcoming and uncomfortable to live in.
This was the repair of a lich, after all. Being immortal, sleepless, hunger-less, and an archmage left one with little need for accommodations such as a bedroom, a bath, a toilet, a kitchen, a cellar or anything living creatures would need to survive. Therefore, Nutrek’s Father had only set up his home with the strict minimum necessary for his researches on the secrets of life and death.
When Nutrek entered, the unknown person had been rummaging through dusty parchments covered in spider webs, carefully, as not to break the ancient and fragile documents. When he heard the sound of bare metatarsi and hooves on the stone floor, he turned around but only looked mildly surprised, as if the sudden appearance of a short squirrel skeleton cloaked in pure darkness followed by an undead smoky black horse was an everyday occurrence.
Some people lead weird lives.
“Who?!” Nutrek repeated, out loud this time.
Nutrek first thought the human before him was female because no man in Erwyn would have worn makeup, especially not such flashy purple lip-paint. But then the intruder talked, and his voice, though thick with feminine inflexions and a distinct whine, was unmistakably male.
“Ohohoho~ My, my, that was startling. What a surprise. I didn’t think anyone else would know about this abandoned cave. Who—Oh, myyy~. Could it be that you are the lich Nutrek Acornazieth...” he took a peek at the crackled parchments he was holding, “...the Fourth?”
The intruder was a tall man(?), looking to be in his mid-twenties, with very long, black-purple hair and purple eyes. He wore a strange tall hat of cloth without an edge. The rest of his clothes too looked foreign, consisting of a red-purple, one-piece folded garb—a kimono in fact, but Nutrek wouldn’t be such an expert in Japanese traditional fashion from the Heian period—with a white robe over it. He also had golden earrings and was carrying a matching dance fan.
At the mention of his name, the flame in the skeletal diminutive necromancer’s orbits dangerously dimmed. Had he been made of flesh, he would have been narrowing his eyes in suspicious anger.
“Impudent,” he answered with prudent arrogance—yes that is a thing. “You are in my ho—my Father’s home, going through his research notes, and you dare, YOU DARE, ask who I am... though, of course, you would want to know who I am... I mean, who doesn’t...” He completed that egocentric statement with a self-satisfied cough. “But to ask it in such a disrespectful manner, and without first naming yourself?! How impudent. How disgraceful! How utterly iiimmmmpolite! Name yourself, human she-male!!”
“.........Oh, my, this is embarrassing.”
~ Intruder’s PoV ... about fifteen seconds ago ~
“Oh, my. Could it be that you are the lich Nutrek Acornazieth... the Fourth?”
The green flames in the eyes of the small bony figure before him condensed threateningly and its dark cloak fluttered despite the lack of wind.
Then...
“Squeak. Squeeak squeeak squee-squeeeeeak sihiqueee...”
…
……
………
Oh...dear.
“...squeeeeeeeeek!!”
I have the vague feeling I just got insulted... but beyond that... Ohohoho~. My, my.
“Oh, my. This is embarrassing.”
Ohohoho~. What do I do now?
~ End of Intruder’s PoV ~
The man pouted his lips, visibly pondering on the situation without answering.
Carefully taking care not to let the intruder out of his sight, Nutrek threw a rapid glance at the skull of a giant wild boar hanging on the wall. If Father had not changed the layout in the past few centuries, one of the tusks was, in fact, a secret lever that opened a trapdoor in the floor, right where the thief was currently standing.
If Nutrek could just reach the mechanism before the man noticed…
“Ohohoho~. My, my, how silly of me!” The man suddenly opened his fan and began to ventilate himself as if to conceal an ashamed face. “I asked of you to name yourself without introducing myself first. How rude. And in your own home, moreover. I have no words to describe my shame...”
The fan was shut abruptly, startling Nutrek.
“But we shall get to know each other from now on. Ohohoho~. I was incidentally in dire need of a new excellent pet—I mean subordinate. I haven’t been able to find anything suitable ever since that brainless, idiotic, rude, messy, irritating, irrational brute reduced my previous darlings to ashes!” As he talked, the face of the man was progressively twisting from suave to pure rage, both hands gripping his fan and slowly bending it.
The fan emitted a mournful crack, then snapped in too.
The man blinked in surprise and considered the broken implement.
“Oh, my…”
With a flick of his hand, the broken pieces disappeared, replaced by a new, undamaged fan. He resumed ventilating. His honeyed smile had also returned, so fast his previous angry expression might as well have been a lie.
“Ohohoho~ But I digress, I digress… You see, my little friend, I know how so many second-rate necromancers are all about quantity, quantity, and always quantity! It is as if the more undead they raise, the greater they are. But I... I believe in quality. A few chosen servants raised—no pun intended—with care are far more valuable than an army of hundreds, or even thousands.”
He nodded with self-acknowledgement and took another look at the documents he was holding. “This is why I truly admire your creator. I would have loved to have a chat with the man... if he hadn’t be killed already.”
“What!?” Nutrek shouted.
Killed?! Father?! How?! Who could...
“WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?!?!”
“Oh? My, my. It would seem you do understand me after all. Though I’m afraid I cannot reciprocate. Well, I can guess. And you really shouldn’t grieve too much over that man. Although… he probably made sure you wouldn’t be able to hate him.” He let out a deep sigh and wiped the corner of his eyes, as if holding back his tears. “How crude and sad. Truly, as much as I respect that person as a fellow practitioner, I must say that mad king was a failure as a human being!—Oh...Ohohoho~.”
Once again, the sadness abruptly switched back to lighthearted joy. “But he wasn’t human, was he? Not anymore at least. But even for a lich, using the flesh and blood of his own posterity for such amoral experiments. Tss, tss, tss… How vile. How truly, absolutely immoral. Ohohoho~.” His eyes fixed on the tensed Nutrek, filled with something akin to pity mixed with a feeling of superiority. “Ohohoho~ But you don't even know who you are, do you...‘Nutrek’?”
That question gave the short overlord a pause.
Who was he?
Of course, he knew! He was Nutrek Acornazieth the Fourth! Created from a simple squirrel by his Father, who was so great a necromancer he even managed to raise simple animals back from the dead, a feat which was deemed impossible before him. Who else could he be?
“……”
“My my. You truly do not know. You poor thing... Come with me.” He extended an inviting hand. “I shall explain it to you. And I will even accept your friend over there as my follower,” he added with a slight gesture towards Asparagus. “…A little substandard for my needs, but I’m inclined to an exception if it means adding you, who is unique, to my precious collection.”
The man briefly looked up as if contemplating the smartness of his own suggestion.
Nutrek didn’t let the opportunity pass and he jumped towards the hidden lever.
“I SHALL BOW TO NO ONE!! KIKIKIKIKIKIKI!!”
Hehehe. Imbecile! I do not know what you are talking about, but if Father was killed I would have felt it. And if there are things about me in those documents, I will as easily be able to read them myself—Ah… No, I shall get Father back and have him explain it to me. Yes. Father wouldn't lie to me...would he? No, no, no, of course, he would not. But would he?
While he thought so, Nutrek’s phalanxes fell upon the tusk of the mounted boar head and he pulled. He turned towards the intruder with a victorious V hand-sign, then a click echoed in the underground room and the floor opened... under Nutrek’s own feet.
“…eh?”
He exchanged a stupefied glance with the intruder, then gravity took effect.
And he fell.
“Wrong leverrrrrr!!”
* * *
Everything in this world was bound to one day come to an end.
Falls did too. Usually, it involved pain.
*feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeuw-BAM!!*
“…Damnation. Why do we even have that lever?!”
Fortunately for himself, Nutrek had no nerves to feel pain, which also made him short-tempered…
…because he was naturally unnerved.
*badam-psssht*
Less fortunately though, he had fallen against solid rock and thus had several fractured bones. Those would regenerate in no time, as Nutrek healed fast even by lich standards. But until then, his movement would be severely impaired.
“I can’t even move right now. How ridicule. Why do I have to go through all of this? And I didn’t even manage to obtain anything useful from the lair! Damn you Lightsword! It is all your fault! May your muscle melt and your manhood fall off!! I hope you get cursed by the Rulers of the Underworld and suffer a thousand deaths until I catch you, only so I can refuse to put an end to your suffering! Hahahaha! AAAAAAAAH!!! I hate him! I hate him! I hate him!...”
In his rage, Nutrek violently twitched on the rock floor like some useless splashing fish who dreamed of becoming a killer water dragon.
“...hate him! I hate him sooo, so much! I hate—”
*crack*
“…him?”
That... wasn’t one of my bones…
Puzzled, he looked around. He was in a cave. That much was clear. There were countless piles of old bones scattered around the room. But from his position, he couldn’t confirm said cave had an exit. He didn’t need light to see, but he did have a limited range. By twisting his vertebras, he, however, managed to spot a web of cracks crisscrossing the floor, with him as its centre.
“…uh oh. Not good.”
Alright, let’s avoid any brusque movement and wait for my body to hea—
“...hyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!”
At that moment, a falling spectral horse entered his awareness range.
Oh, fudge.
*feeeeeeeew-BLAM!!*
Falling in turn from the small opening in the far above ceiling of the cave, Asparagus’ half-material body crashed into Nutrek, crushing what little of the squirrel lich had managed to recover.
Under the violence of the shock, the stallion's phantasmal flesh scattered all over the place in fumes, revealing his bony core.
“Ow... Even without pain, the simple idea of what just happened hurts my mind. Stupid equine vegetable. I hate you! I despise every smoky fibre of your half-witted moronic self!!”
And I hate myself for being a little glad you're here. The fall must have affected me more than I thought. Father always warned me about presuming of my strength.
*crrrrrrrrr…*
“What the hell are you doing down here anyway? Was your loyalty to my mighty person so deep the simple idea of being separated from Me was unbearable? It’s not that I can’t understand, but…” Even in a state close to a set of knucklebones, the little lich couldn’t help being haughty.
Actually, it might be some sort of coping mechanism.
“Pffffhyyuuu.”
“...And I suppose I’m the lesser of these two evils?”
“Huuhu.”
“Remember me to blast you as soon as I can move my hand.”
*crrrrrrrrrrr…*
He looked to the side, towards a small cluster of tiny bones.
“Correction. As soon as I can get to my hand and reattached it back to my wrist.”
“Huuhu.”
“Good. Now we better not—”
*crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAACK!!!*
“Sigh. ...forget it.”
The floor shattered and they once more fell through the darkness. Together this time.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!”
“HYYYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!”
* * * * *