Chapter 3: Not in Kansas Anymore?

~ Part 2: Runes You Fools! ~

“Wait a minute. This is…”

I observe the road before me. Images flash through my mind, of weird transition from sepia to technicolor, of odd characters, of constant singing and flying monkeys. And a spooky sequel directed by Walter Murch.

“This is–”

*GRAAAAAAAAHHHRRRR*

“Aw zounds.”

I look over my shoulder and groan in exasperation. Of course. Of course a monster had to choose that exact moment to attack. By the roar, this one still sounds relatively far away but… Dammit! I’m getting reeeeal tired of being interrupted by corpses.

I mean, it’s weird! This isn’t some kind of cheap manga or bad light novel!!

Did one of the zombies pass a memo around or something? “Note to every-dead-body: Attack the big shiny guy just before he says anything meaningful.” Who was it??? Please come forth and confess. I swear I won’t hurt you. I swear. I mean, of coooourse I will not hurt you.

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The dead don’t feel pain.

“Hehe… Hehehe… Hehehehehe… MmmmmwahahahahahahahaHAHAHAHA–”

*rustle*

“Ahhhh…”

Hearing a rustle from a nearby bush, I snap out of my… ahem… “episode” and let out a resigned sigh. I turn back towards the river, cross my arms and look coolly in the distance. I also pretend to ignore the hunched roaring shadow that suddenly rushes out of the shrubbery. Damn you shrubbery.

Then I declare these words to the newcomer in my best deadpan voice:

“Toto. I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

“GRAAAAAAHRRR!!” replies my impromptu visitor, demonstrating his ineptitude at the language of Shakespeare in the most boorish manner.

How rude.

Quite.

The [Lesser Ghoul “Toto(?)”] jumps at my throat, fangs first, without even a customary self-introduction. I know I’m the one who just arbitral decide to name it, but still. This is just common courtesy, a notion this mindless undead clearly is lacking.

With a disapproving shake of the head and one series of “t-t-t-t-t-t-t” clicks of the tongue, I pivot, lean slightly out of the way and trip the degenerate vampire.

It’s not an insult to call him “degenerate vampire” by the way.

That’s what ghouls are. Discount vampires. They’re sickly pale, emaciated, blind, human-like creatures, only differentiated by the twin racks of pointy fangs instead of teeth. They share their zombie cousins’ intellectual “prowess”, but they are much faster and usually less… err… decomposed.

In fact, a [Lesser Ghoul] could easily pass as a very aggressive crack addict… a very aggressive crack addict with amazing dental works. A normal [Ghouls], on the other hand, would be… err… a very aggressive crack addict with amazing dental works. On steroids.

And also without eyes… Ever watched the movie Priest? Well… That.

Cute little things.

They carve the blood of the living, but also dead flesh. And while they do prefer “fresh” corpses, I often witnessed ghouls assaulting and devouring other undead. Needless to say, ghouls are not much appreciated in the zombie community. They never get invited to underground G-Rave Parties.

Undead racism. Saddening. No one is safe anymore.

I know. Poor guys. What’s little nibble between fellow cadavers, right?

Right.

Discrimination is bad. I always say it. If you’re going to be a horrible person, be a horrible person to everyone equally.

A true gem of wisdom.

As I let my minds wander, I give on the tripping Toto a “light comforting pat” on his skinny shoulder… which burns him and violently propels him into the ghastly flux of the [River of Lost Souls]. He fall screaming and disappears for an instant inside the flow of spectres, then resurfaces, slapping the spiritual liquid erratically and barely keeping himself afloat.

Swimming isn’t the undead’s strong point. Which is a bit odd. After death, the bacteria responsible for the rotting process should be producing gasses such as methane, hydrogen sulphide or carbon dioxide, which causes the body to bloat and float more easily.

…I think. Don’t quote me on that.

Anyway. It’s puzzling.

Undead aren’t really bloated tough.

True. Likely the necrotic magic kills even the bacteria… But then why do zombie & co. still decompose?

Good question.

Maybe the magic erodes the cells over time? After all it is forcing inoperative bodies to move around. There has to be some form of side-effect.

Like mana poisoning?

Precisely.

Plausible. But how to you explain the smell if there are no bacteria and, thusly, no gas?

…Bad dental hygiene?

I shrug and refocus on the drowning Toto, who looks like he’s having the time of his unlife!

From the flow of tortured souls, countless spectral arms are emerging, grabbing and trying to drag the screeching creature underplasma. Toto claws at them, surprisingly succeeding in dissipating some in ghastly volutes, but more always take their place. Everywhere the phantasmal limbs touch the ghoul’s skin, it blackens and melts off. The corrosion then spreads to the muscles underneath, releasing a torrent of tar-like blood.

I’m suddenly happy I didn’t jump in earlier. Some extreme hobbies are better left to those who know how to appreciate them.

It’s at times like this that I really miss popcorn.

Before the monster even reaches the bridge, his bones are visible.

It’s fascinating. I should try to study the chemical properties of disembodied spirits one of these days. I’ll see if I can collect some ectoplasm next time I get my hands on a [Smoky Reaper] or [Phantasmal Witch]. A [Haunting Parasite Larva] should do too… I haven’t experimented in a while. It’s a shame. Undead make such funny lab rats.

The half-melted Toto eventually passes under the bridge, and his skull hits a pillar with a resounding crack. I whip my gaze away, shut my eyes and pucker my lips as I suck in some air, letting out sympathetic. “Ooouch.”

When I look back, he has already disappeared in the distance. With theatrical gestures, I extract an imaginary handkerchief from the inside of my wrist-protection and wipe an inexistent tear off my face.

“Goodbye Toto Ghoul. Our time together was brief, but intense. I shall remember you always… maybe. Goodbye, my friend. Let us not meet again. Say hello to Kaneki-san for me… if you get the reference. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye… sniff sniff sniniff snininiff sninininininininininiffffffffff… ifff.”

I fake blowing my nose. Note that I still have my helmet on.

…You finished?

Yes.

Good. Can we do something constructive now?

*GASP* BLASPHEMY!!!

No. Hunger.

…Oh yeah.

With another sigh of resignation and a forlorn hand massaging my stomach, I turn around once more and face the “this is…” thing.

Crossing over the weirdly delicate blue bridge carved with elegant, though thorny, roses, is a lemon-coloured cobblestone path, visibly lost in the wrong tale. Obviously there is only one reference that comes to mind when one encounters such a brick road. Though I highly doubt Lyman Frank Baum ever though to associate his oeuvre with roaming corpses.

Hence my earlier quotation addressed to Toto, the cameo ghoul from Oz.

Yes, I know Toto is supposed to be a dog. I’m taking some literary liberties here. So what? If Victor Fleming can, why not me? Did you know the so-called “Ruby Slippers” are silver-coloured in the book which the movie was adapted from?

Using the fast equip-unequip function of the menu, I switch out of my silver armour and back into my leather gear which is easier to move in. Then I step forwards until my toes are almost on the road, but not quite, and crouch down. Elbows on my knees, I lean forwards and observe the stones. I don’t need to invoke my [Lantern of the Selfish One] because the road itself is diffusing a soft golden glow.

“Mmmmh… How interesting.”

My squinted eyes narrow even further as the corners of my mouth arc upwards – Gin Ichimaru style.

Up close, the pretty sunflower-coloured walkway doesn’t look so fairy-tale-ish-ly innocent anymore. In fact, I’d say it looks positively creepy. But it’s okay. I like creepy. Especially on Thursdays.

All over the abnormally soft shiny surface of the road, it appeared as if innumerable tiny black bugs were crawling.

However, those are not insects, but runes. Runes! Magical Runes! Yeepeee!

Here we go again…

Do you know about Magical Runes?

Gods! I love Magical Runes!!

Runes are awesome! The possibilities they bring are endless! It’s such a shame they fell into disuse, likely because spells are more generally more powerful, simpler and, above all, cheaper. You don’t need anything but your own magic to cast spells – plus optionally a staff or wand if you want to power up a bit – but runes need to be created using specific mana-conducting materials.

This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.

Powdered manastones. Dried dragon blood. Phoenix feathers. Unicorn hair. Wood from a sacred tree. That kind of thing. Not cheap. Not cheap at all. And the more powerful rune, the more powerful the material needs to be.

The cheapest would be holy water, which is basically just normal water that has been blessed, but it only works for holy runes. Sadly.

But runes are so much more polyvalent!! Take a basic spell for example, like [Fireball]. A [Fireball] will never be anything more than a watermelon–.

I freeze and murmur escape my lips: “…watermelon.”

*shiver*

I dreadfully shake off the memory and reboot my thinking process.

[Erase harmful statement. Upload last saving point.]

*sigh* What are you doing?

Three…

Two…

One…

But. But. BUT!!! Runes are so much more polyvalent!!

Take a basic spell for example, like [Fireball]. A [Fireball] will never be anything more than a pumpkin-sized ball of flames. You can try to overcharge the spell all you want, it won’t turn it into a [Firestorm]. The incantation will only use a set amount your mana.

HOWEVER!! If you know the rune for [Fire] and the magic circuit to adjust the power output, as long as you have the mana pool, you can do almost everything fire-related! From heating your bath water, to reducing a whole kingdom to smouldering ashes!! Fufufu…

Fufufufufu…

Fufufufufufufufufufufufufufu…

“MmmwahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

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………

*cough*

Sorry ‘bout that. I have a condition.

So… yeah… Be careful to properly adjust the power output.

Just sayin’.

Accidents happen. Ask the elves.

…

Well, on the plus side, [Green Haven] now has amazing hot springs! Much better than some huge old horse chestnut.

Hehehe… hehe… he…

ahhhhh…

*sigh*

It really was an accident. For once.

But it’s their fault too. I mean, come on! Who names their religious capital by the name of a maximum security prison? Seriously. And no, “It’s another world” isn’t a valid excuse.

Anyway… What was I saying?

Right. Magical Runes.

So yeah. Very polyvalent, though less mana-effective. And it’s without even touching to the possibilities of glyph combinations! The things you can do with only the basic runes for [Water], [Fire], [Air], and [Earth]!! Imagine all the–

Please focus, Nick.

BLASPHEMYYYYYYYyyyyyyYYYYYYYYyyyyYYYyYYyYyYyYYyYYyYYYYYYY–

NIIIIIIIICK!!! Calm THE. FUCK. DOWN!!

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Sorry. I just really, really like runes.

I know you do. Now, why don’t you focus on the ones here before you.

Oh. Yeah… Yeah. You’re right.

Of course I am. Okay. Take deep breathes and get to it.

Yes.

I close my eyes and inhale slowly until my lungs are full. Then I exhale normally. It’s a technique I remember Mom teaching me… at some point. I’m not sure when. I was relative young I think.

After repeating the breathing exercise twice more, I feel much better and calmer.

…Thank you.

Don’t mention it. What are friends for, right?

Yeah, right.

So… As I were saying… Each and every brick of the road is carved with crisscrossed lines of minuscule inky runes that dance fast and erratically all over its surface like demented shockwaves.

More specifically those runes are pertaining to Soul Magic, which I recognise from my study of the runic walls protecting the remaining cities of Erwyn. They need to be magical walls, otherwise they wouldn’t protect from the attacks of flying undead, such as [Wraiths], or the rarer burrowing ones, like the [Fallen Gravedigger].

Soul Magic is the parent arcane to Necromancy. At their core, they both deal with souls, but Necromancy focuses more on manipulation and enslavement, while Soul Magic is broader in its application. A Necromancer is basically a highly specialised Soul Mage.

I’m actually not an expert, on either subject. I’m a paladin, kind of. I kill undead with holy magic, kind of. I don’t make them, nor do I exorcise them subtly. I bulldozer. I’m not ashamed to admit it.

So I might be wrong and those runes of the piss-coloured road might not actually be Soul Magic. But at the very least the symbols belong to the same ancient language used on the city walls, which I know for sure to be enchanted with Soul Magic.

Now. I knoooow what you’re thinking!

A magical road covered in moving runes in the middle of a forest overrun by undead? And runes that are known to be used for Soul Magic? Obviously it’s Soul Magic here too! Or at least Necromancy.

And I do agree. However, here’s the issue.

There are several ancient languages on the Continent of Pandore. Most of them are dialects of what is called Ancient Pandorian. But these here runes show almost none of the characteristics all the other languages share. None! It’s like comparing Chinese to Spanish. Via Google Translate. It’s frustrating!!

Of course, the fact that the characters keep moving all over the place don’t help deciphering them either… They do that too on the magical ramparts by the way. It’s annoying, dizzying, and headachy. I’ve combed every city I came across in this cursed Kingdom, trying to get my hands on a book on the subject to study those glyphs in a more stationary fashion, but to no avail.

I did find a handful of grimoires on Soul Magic, and one on Necromancy – which is banned around here for obvious reasons – but none on Soul Magic Runes. Like I mentioned, that’s not the same thing. Moreover half of those books were identical, content-wise.

The oddest thing is, my [Ancient Language Mastery] skill is giving me absolutely nothing to work with. Nothing. Niet. Niente. Nada. 没什么!!!

Which is really unusual.

Let me explain.

Since exploring ancient – and deadly – ruins is pretty high on my to-do list, I made sure to acquire a passive skill that helps me read my way through those antique mazes. You’d be surprised how many traps can easily be avoided once you know how to read those weird squiggles on the dungeon walls.

Anyway.

Thus my possession of [Ancient Language Mastery]. And no matter what Daniel says about it, I refuse to believe no one else has that skill. I won’t go into too much details about the unlocking condition for that skill, but let’s just say it involves books.

Lots…

And lots…

And loooots…

Of books.

Anyway, back to the problem at hand.

[Ancient Language Mastery] doesn’t always suffice to translate some of the most obscure texts. But it usually at least recognise the language, or its semantical roots. If the skill doesn’t pick up anything, anything at all – like it seems to be the case here – the dialect has to be either fake or utterly lost and forgotten.

A bit like the Erwynian Kingdom as a whole, in fact…

Indeed. Which is why I am more than inclined to rule out the former option. Plus, I don’t think someone would go the trouble of creating a dummy language just to hide another runic system.

You would.

Yeah. Maybe… But I think both the defensive walls and this road date back to a time when this language was more widespread, if only within the Kingdom of Erwyn. Something I’ve also discovered is that this country has been isolated from the outside world since long before the current undead curse began. Mostly because of its geography and the hundreds of dragons literally encircling the whole of Erwyn.

Conclusion…

Conclusion?

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………

What was I explaining again?

Oh, Bloody Hell!! Are you serious?!

Hahaha!! I’m kidding. I’m kidding.

But still. Whether those runes are Soul Magic, Necromancy, or Pony Friendship Magic, I still can’t read them at all. So I have absolutely no idea what this enchantment does, and I’ve just noticed this whole reflexion has been kind of pointless.

Hehehehe…

You…

Yes?

You…

Yes, what?

You… AAAAAAAAARGH!! That’s it! THAT. IS. BLOODY. IT!!! I’ve had enough babysitting!!! I’m freaking killing you!!

Now. We’ve talked about those suicidal urges of yours.

Don’t use my own words against me! I don’t want to die! I’ll just erase your puny A.D.D. mind and take control of our body myself once and for all! I’ve always been the better brain!

Wait… You can’t do that.

LET’S FIND OUT, SHALL WE??

…What?

WAIT!! Wait! I was joking! Please!

TOO LATE!!! MMMMWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! THIS BODY IS MINE NOW!!! MINE!!!! MIIIINE!!!!

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………

Nothing’s happening.

I’ve noticed.

And I’m still there.

Seems like it.

What was that exactly?

Err… A mistake?

Embarrassing is what that was.

…I’ve got a condition.

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