"Yeah, I thought I saw some ramen, but it had eggs and green stuff in it," Kazuto said with a disgusted curl of his lip. "So gross." He ripped another piece of pepperoni off the slice of pizza in his hand, stared at the cheese-covered top, then pulled it up and started picking out small chunks of tomato and wiping them on the edges of his plate.

Tim was watching with three-out-of-ten interest. An infinite supply of every food in existence and this is what he does. He took a sip of his drink. "Yeah, awful," he agreed. "So, you were going to tell me about this girl you liked?"

Kazuto's shoulders drooped, and he sighed even more deeply than the other times. He jammed as much of the slice of mangled pizza into his mouth as he could and bit down on it, beginning to chew with his mouth slightly open like a fast-moving trash compactor. "Isemeine," he said. "She looked exactly like that other girl here. I mean, except for the boobs." He sighed again, this one shorter. "She was so hot."

Tim took another casual pull from his glass. "So you don't know her. The one who's here, I mean."

The boy shook his head as he chewed his next oversized bite. "No, but she's really hot too." He took on a pensive expression for a little while. "I wonder if she wants to join my harem."

This is crazy. Is it just hormones or is there something actually wrong with him? Every other word since we sat down has been him talking about how hot someone is or bragging about his 'harem'. Tim nudged the other glass he'd filled closer. "How about a toast," he said, raising his own glass. "To hot girls."

Kazuto eyed the glass that filled to the brim with reddish liquid in front of him for a moment, then he grinned a little and picked it up. "To hot girls," he said, moving his arm forward to clink Tim's glass.

Tim grinned back lazily and took a quick drink.

Kazuto drank from his cup, but he immediately spat it back out and started coughing. "What… What the fuck is this?" he wheezed, staring down at his cup.

"Oh, this?" Tim said. He swirled his glass a little and took another casual sip. "Just a little drink." His eyes widened in an exaggerated manner, and he leaned forward. "Wait, are you even old enough to drink?"

"Of—Obviously I am," Kazuto said with a glare, gripping his cup more tightly.

"Not with a reaction like that," Tim said. He shook his head. "That's my fault. Sateus—the god—put me in charge of everyone here, and I thought… Well, it's fine since this is a weak drink, and you spat most of it out." He reached across the table. "Just give it back, and—"

"What? No!" Kazuto immediately pulled the glass away and brought it to his mouth, tipping it back and determinedly draining half of it before he had to stop because he was coughing too much.

Tim frowned. "Hey, stop. I could get in serious trouble if someone underage—"

"I'm old enough to drink, Drake," Kazuto said, clearly fighting not to grimace. "Besides, I've got a skill that heals me anyway, so I can't get drunk."

Shit, I didn't count on that. Tim reconsidered his strategy with a conflicted look on his face. "Well," he began. "I suppose it might be okay as long as you don't get drunk…" He took another sip of his own drink as he continued to pretend to think about it.

Kazuto brought the glass up and took another few gulps. "Look, see? I'm totally fine. I'd have to drink a lot to get drunk, and that's only because I don't have my infinite mana armband anymore. If I had that, I'd be…almost invincible…" He trailed off with a full-bodied shudder, one hand reaching under the table like he was checking to make sure something was still there.

Alright, so the plan's on. Easy. "Alright, as long as you promise not to drink enough that you'd get drunk, I suppose it's okay," Tim said slowly. "Don't want to get all our alcohol taken away, right? How can we even talk about hot girls like men if we're not drinking?"

Kazuto had barely worked through his latest full-faced grimace. "Yeah, no way," he said, shaking his head vigorously. He downed the rest of his drink, managing not to cough this time. "And nobody knows more about hot girls than me. Did I tell you—"

"Let's get topped up before we get into details," Tim said, finishing his own drink. He set the glass down on the table and grabbed hold of one of the two pitchers he'd brought over, this one filled with a clear, fragrant liquid, and poured his glass a little under the halfway mark. Then he topped it off by pouring from the red pitcher and nudged both pitchers towards his companion, who was a fifteen-out-of-ten in being annoying. "Red one's plain juice, the other one's alcoholic." He gave the boy a serious look. "I'm trusting you to be responsible while we talk about hot girls, Kazuto."

This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it.

"Yeah, yeah," Kazuto said. He copied Tim's ratio of the two and set his glass back down. "So did I tell you about any of the elf girls in my harem yet?"

Tim took a long pull from his glass. "Mmm, this is a great blend. Reminds me of home," he murmured, staring at his glass for a moment in an eight-out-of-ten act. "Can't believe I found it here." He looked for another moment before he came back to attention. "Ah, sorry. Elf girls?"

Kazuto took a swig from his glass. "Yeah, there's this auction house…"

----------------------------------------

"Then…" Kazuto grinned widely, keeping his eyes squinted as he wobbled a tiny bit in his seat. He took another sip of his drink, the latest of which was made to be noticeably less red than the ones before it. "What was I sayin'?"

"We were just at the climax of Harem Core, and the main character was finally about to bone the main core for the first time," Tim said. Are you fucking kidding me? How many drinks has it been to get this fucking kid drunk? And how many shitty stories about sex does he have?

"Oooh, right!" Kazuto said gleefully.

"Hey, wait a minute, you…" Tim set his drink down and inspected the boy carefully, letting a scowl form on his face. "Are you drunk?"

Kazuto's brows shot up his forehead, and he nearly knocked his glass over with the speed that he raised his hands in front of himself. "No! I told you! No way I'm getting drunk. Can't. Happen." He shook his head to punctuate the last two words.

Tim swirled his glass as he'd done many, many times by now. "Alright, you looked like you—"

"You're a cool guy, Drake," Kazuto interrupted, nodding repeatedly. "Thought you were… You're not. Okay? You're a great listener too."

Tim raised his glass, as he'd also done many, many times. "To listening."

Kazuto snatched his own glass up and clinked it to his. "To listening!"

----------------------------------------

Alright, I didn't expect him to last a full hour at that rate. Kid's a fucking tank. Definitely not an ordinary human.

Cure Poison.

Once more, his hand glowed a little under the table, and the hot, tipsy feeling that had been creeping up on him vanished.

Kazuto leaned heavily on his left arm, nursing his latest drink, which was completely clear, with his right. "So good," he said, peering down at it. "How's it so good, Drake?"

Tim sipped his own drink, which was still a regular, reddish mix, and shook his head, putting an expression of amazement onto his face. "I don't know how you do it, Kazuto," he said. "I could never make them that strong or I'd get drunk right away."

The boy across from him blinked a couple times, then straightened himself up as best he could. "Yeah, well, I'm a hero, so… You know. Just way stronger. Way." He tipped his glass up.

Tim took a deep breath. Almost there.

----------------------------------------

Kazuto had been laying face down on his forgotten plate of hot dogs for a couple minutes when Tim finally stood up. He let out a breath and rubbed his palm against his face. I think that was more exhausting than actually getting drunk. I didn't get hardly anything useful out of him either. Just lots of stories about some shitty kingdom where all his girls lived and his favorite places to have sex with them. And that apparently his "battle" before was enduring some big octopus monster that tried to suck him to death. Shit, and that awful Harem Core story. It just went on, and on, and on, even when I thought it would end so many times…

He walked around the table and picked up the quietly snoring kid, tossing him over one shoulder like something he didn't care overly much about. Wasn't sure he'd go all-in on drinking right away like that, but he's a lot dumber than I thought. You'd have to be an idiot to randomly get this drunk with someone you don't know in a weird place like this. He took a last look at the pitchers on the table, and a smug smirk erupted along with a chuckle. And you'd have to be even more of an idiot to believe that only one of those was alcoholic. He grabbed the one filled with red "juice" as he had another idea.

He carried the annoying kid down the stairs, taking them by twos in a futile attempt to regain some of the time he'd lost. Scipio owes me big for this. There's no way training with me was anywhere near as annoying. Next time, I'm on top. A short while later, he came into the hallway, making quickly for the nearest door on his right.

Tim pushed on the door that said "Hero", but it refused to budge. Fuck, really? He set Kazuto's body against it and tried pushing, but it continued to remain shut. "Hey, wake up a sec," he called, not expecting a response. He reached up to his shoulder and slapped the boy's face a couple times. "Kazuto, wake up! Isemeine's here!" he said, mentioning the name of the girl that the boy seemed to be obsessed with.

"Uhhhhhhh," Kazuto groaned and moved a tiny bit.

"Kazuto, we're going into your room. That's okay, right?" He slapped the kid one more time, even though he didn't strictly need to.

"'Kaaaaaay," Kazuto droned.

Tim pushed on the door and it opened, revealing a room similar to his own. Alright, now to make sure he doesn't come back out before the next fight… He brought Kazuto over to the bedroom and sat him down in the corner next to the bed. "Hey, drink this," he said, bringing the pitcher up to the boy's mouth. "Present from Isemeine."

Kazuto grunted, so Tim tipped the pitched up a little, pouring a little more of the strongest-smelling fruity alcohol he'd been able to hastily find in his earlier search into the boy's mouth. He continued the process until the boy stopped swallowing and a little bit dripped out of his mouth, wiping the dribbles away quickly with his hand. He slowly turned the annoying kid onto his side and rolled him to lean against the wall.

There. Probably the best I can do. No healing magic from the bed, so hopefully he drank enough to knock him out for a while even with whatever regen skill he's got. Tim surveyed his work once more before grabbing the pitcher and heading out of the room, finally unleashing the twenty-out-of-ten eye roll he'd been holding in for however long. He set the pitcher down next to the door and headed over to his own room.

After over an hour of almost nonstop drinking, there was exactly one thing now on Tim's schedule.