"There must be creatures in a dungeon," Seth'tith said abruptly.

"Yeah, that's perfect," Carl said to the core as the ramp slid into place.

"This isn't what I was expecting," the core said.

"When will you add creatures?" Seth'tith demanded. "Every dungeon must have—"

"Relax," Carl said, shrugging his left shoulder to let the axe rest more comfortably on it. "We'll definitely get to that point, but we can't do that until we've got ourselves a valid dungeon. Right, core?"

"Yes!" the core said, sounding excited from its spot where it was being held against the back of an eighteen year-old girl's headless corpse atop Carl's right shoulder. "You really do understand!"

"I think I'm starting to maybe get the hang of it, but I need a few more rooms to really make sure," Carl lied.

"Of course, of course," the core said, no longer seeming to have any issue with the idea of Learning Dungeoneering now that it had firmly established that Carl absolutely didn't want to break any rules. "Are you prepared to complete this room under my supervision?"

"Yeah, I think so," Carl said. He paused and looked up. "Actually, I think it's a little off center. Can you…"

"I can't believe I missed that!" the core said, sounding upset. "There, all fixed."

"Great," Carl said. He started walking around the first of many stone ramps with varying levels of incline that were scattered randomly about the room. "It's so cool that you can make all this stuff," he said. This is way more entertaining than I thought it'd be. Bobby's gonna be really mad at how tricky I made the first couple. Gotta set expectations though. If it starts off too easy, she won't be ready when it gets really hard.

He walked around a corner and waited for the door to open, then stepped through.

"I've witnessed that room's completion," the core said in an official-sounding tone. "I still don't understand why you keep asking me to make everything so durable. Are you expecting dragon elders?"

"Well," Carl said, wishing he had a hand free to scratch his beard as he stepped into the next room, which was just a small rectangular template room he'd told the core to create as a default. "Let's just say I've had some issues with that kinda stuff lately, and it'd be a pretty bad dungeon if you could accidentally punch through a wall or something, right? Then you could skip all the traps." Dragon Elders sounds pretty cool. Maybe that's some famous guild or something.

"I suppose that makes sense," the core said. "But none of your traps are designed to kill. I can acquire a small amount of soul energy from the triggering of one of our portal traps, but it's nothing compared to what can be obtained from someone dying to a trap or, as Seth'tith has pointed out, sentry creatures. Traps would have to be triggered at least a hundred times to provide the equivalent of even a single death."

Carl was preparing to reply, but Seth'tith made a sudden sound of understanding. "Ah!" he said as though he'd gained sudden enlightenment. "Brilliant! I cannot believe I overlooked that possibility. You mean to starve intruders to death, allowing them to trigger as many traps as possible and provide the most energy for the core in the process!"

The core gasped. "That is brilliant!"

"Yeah, that's exactly it," Carl said in a deadpan tone as he rolled his eyes.

"What of your daughter, Bobby?" Seth'tith asked. "Were you not preparing to gift this dungeon to her?"

"Eh, she'll probably blow through this in an hour or two," Carl said. "I made her play all three of the Portal games, and she breezed through 'em pretty fast."

"I have never heard of such games," Seth'tith said, sounding pensive.

"They're pretty old—well, two of them are and the third one just came out last year," Carl said as he thought about what he was planning to do for this room. "It's a bit different though. The portals in those all go both ways, and you can see the edges. These portals are way better since there's no edges, and you can make them one-way. Sneakier."

"Thank you, Carl," the core said, sounding bashful.

"I understand," Seth'tith said. "To think such things existed. It is no wonder your daughter is so wise if she was trained in such a manner."

"I don't know about wise," Carl said with a chuckle. "She's only thirteen. But she's pretty clever. Definitely takes after… Well, Annie's really clever too." He thought back yet again to their frenzied lovemaking the Friday prior, except now in his memory she was taller, and her skin was blue, and her tail could move. Carl frowned, wond—

"I'M DETECTING SEXUAL CONTENT!" the core shouted. "Sexual content is not—"

Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.

"Neither of us is engaging in copulation," Seth'tith snapped. "You can see us, can you not?"

"What he said," Carl agreed, wondering if the core could somehow read his thoughts when he was reminiscing about the feel of his wife's b—

"THERE IT IS AGAIN!" the core yelled next to his ear, nearly deafening him. "Stop that!"

Carl sighed. This is ridiculous. Now I've got the freaking thought police riding me? Why is everything in this game so annoying? I thought dungeoneering could be cool, but even the portal core—which should be cool—is driving me insane.

"Why must you be so accursedly loud?" Seth'tith demanded.

"Rules must be followed," the core replied in its official-sounding old lady voice, followed by a harrumph.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Think about how happy Bobby's gonna be when she gets to try out a life-sized portal dungeon I made. Carl opened his eyes and exhaled. "I'm thinking we'll try something slightly different for this one," he said. "How big can you make this room?"

"As big as we want it to be."

"Okay, I—"

"An intruder has entered the dungeon!" the core announced.

Carl frowned. Already? Really thought I'd have more time. "Alright, well, I'll just throw out a low-effort room for now. We've gotta get a bigger lead. Maybe if I make it frustrating enough they'll leave. Hey, I can remove rooms, right?"

"As long as the dun—The first trap has been triggered," the core announced. "And you may remove rooms until the dungeon becomes valid. The first trap has been triggered."

"That's pretty quick," Carl said.

"The first trap has been triggered."

"Alright, how about you just let me know if it goes over—

"The first trap has been triggered."

"—ten times."

"I can do that."

"Great." Carl wanted to scratch his beard as he thought, but his hands were still occupied. This is like when we go on vacation and I get stuck with all the bags. "Can you do anything with gravity?" he asked.

"No."

"Darn," Carl said.

"I have considered your strategy as well as the current constraints of the core, and I would offer a suggestion," Seth'tith said.

"The first trap has been triggered ten times."

"Go for it," Carl said.

"I would…"

----------------------------------------

"Alright, that was a pretty good—"

"The first trap has been triggered one hundred times."

"—idea, Seth'tith" Carl finished, looking back out over the room they'd just finished. What kind of idiot is gonna keep running at the trap this many times? It's like they're not even slowing down to think about it.

"I thank you for the compliment," Seth'tith said, "though it will be simple to complete using magic."

"Ah, yeah, you could just fly over it," Carl said, nodding along. "Whatever, I still like the idea. Core, throw another one over the middle length-wise and connect it—Yeah, you're reading my mind. Perfect. We're just trying to get a bit of a lead so the core doesn't get smashed."

"Yes, Bobby would become sad if such a thing occurred."

Carl tried to imagine the scene, but he couldn't get past his daughter giggling as he explained how he'd been making the dungeon with his friend's dad—who was playing as an axe—and the most annoying core of all time. He grinned. "The story alone'd probably make her laugh."

Seth'tith was silent for a moment. "Yes. Sometimes a story can be more valuable than any gift."

"Carl, I have gained a new ability," the core announced.

"Oh?"

"I can create portals which impart velocity."

"Hm. But you still can't put a portal on the floor that connects to a wall?"

"No, the orientation of the endpoint must match the entrance," the core recited.

Such a stupid rule. "Alright, I'm gonna be lazy with this one then. Make the ceiling… Maybe five times as high, and we can make this part here by the door a ledge, and then…"

----------------------------------------

"Your room is clever," Seth'tith said, sounding vaguely approving. "I see now the care you put into this gift for your daughter. She is certain to be pleased."

"The first trap has been triggered three hundred times."

"Thanks, Seth'tith," Carl said. Maybe this guy's not so bad. He's loosened up a lot since we started making this dungeon. Who is this guy who keeps setting off the first trap though? Maybe it's just some monster or something that got in.

"I apologize for my words earlier, Carl," Seth'tith said abruptly. "I… It is not my place to command you."

Carl considered it for a moment, then nodded. "You know, I'm a little ashamed of how I behaved too. I could've heard you out and not been so dismissive. I just…" he sighed. "I'm exhausted now. Everything's so stressful these days, and I really just wanted to take some time and not think about having to do stuff for a little while. Then this dungeon thing came up, and that was a bit of a surprise, and I'm still trying to get used to everything here, and suddenly you were trying to tell me about all these quests…" he trailed off, feeling like he'd begun to rant.

Seth'tith chuckled bitterly. "I know of this feeling. When there are tasks to be done at the home, and your wife is troubled, your daughter has her own concerns, those who depend upon you believe you capable of walking on water no matter your condition, and all you wish for is a time of peace in which to gather your thoughts… Yes, I know this state of mind well."

Carl was nodding along with every word, feeling like the axe was reading his mind. Wow, this guy gets it! "Yeah, that's it exactly. What'd you—"

"The first trap has been triggered four hundred times."