Carl took another deep breath and exhaled. I'm getting too old for this shit.

He'd been standing, staring out the hole in the dungeon's wall, vibrating with fury for some amount of time, too angry even to listen to the core or Seth'tith, who had each been attempting to tell him various things that didn't fucking matter.

But now, Carl had finally begun to accept that another fucking physics bug had been triggered from the impact of his fist to the abuser's body, and now he'd lost his chance.

A sudden thought struck him.

Had he lost his chance?

"Keyboard."

Carl tugged the keyboard up to the proper height and placed the dungeon core up by the function keys, but his fingers hesitated over the home row.

He'd done some things that were definitely against company policy before, but this would be different.

He'd created items for himself—though he'd never given…any of them… Well, he'd loaned one item out, but it hadn't been a big… It was a pretty good weapon, but not…

He'd sort of exploited his infinite amount of in-game currency, but he'd only given out a thousand to Rosa, and then another hundred or whatever to that pottery lady, and that had been… Alright, but a hundred and sixty one million wasn't really that m… It's not like he'd spent it in a way that gave him an advantage over other players like…for example…some kinda auction house…

Carl frowned.

Fine, but it was only those two policies. It wasn't like he'd ever… Well, he'd modified another player's stats one time… And maybe changed…changed her gear… But she deserved way more than just that anyway, didn't she? He hadn't known it then, but that was a really fucked up situation! He still hadn't taken the time to figure out the legal-y stuff related to in-game player interactions and Conflict Resolution, but this definitely seemed like the kind of thing where someone should be getting sued or arrested or, ideally, both, even if he recalled Mina having said that these people were supposedly "above the law".

Carl's frown deepened. His idea of how things should go didn't feel quite as certain as he would have liked, and that wasn't even considering what sort of action his company might take against him if they found out about the stuff he'd done, what with all the cover-your-ass policies, even though he'd mostly deleted the logs for his database access and then also deleted the logs reflecting the log deletion… Alright, so he hadn't deleted all the logs since there were limits to what he was willing to do, but it was pretty clear that nobody was paying attention to that kind of thing anyway, what with the expansion going out, and who even would be enforcing that? He was IT, and he made the…

Carl considered the information that he'd just recalled.

Carl was the Director of IT. It was the job of the IT department to monitor the company's employees for exploitation of game elements on live servers. In fact, it had been one of his quick projects the first month of his employment to develop a script that sifted through database transactions for all the office connections to the live server and automatically mailed HR if any issues were found.

But that was on the live servers.

Carl was apparently on a beta server for a beta zone which was not part of the core game. He didn't even know if anything here would become part of the core game.

He hadn't even known such a thing existed until recently. Well, he'd known that they were game servers, but not the exact details of their contents. That was for Engineering to deal with; they sent him the images for the servers, and he handled the provisioning and upkeep, which was mostly automated at this point anyway. Knowing exactly what was on all the game servers at all times wasn't his job.

His job was to keep them running smoothly.

In short…

Carl began to type. He opened a read-only database prompt in his shell and attempted to query for players named…

Okay, so there were a lot of players with that name. But there was only one with no last name, and it seemed like most people on this server didn't like to use them.

That was pretty convenient.

He used his usual query to select the character's attributes across various tables. Carl needed to be certain.

He read through the results.

Name: Normannus Pronouns: He/Him Title: Hero Level: 128 Health: 1,773,920 Strength: 200,432 Agility: 300,584 Stamina: 230,778 Intelligence: 256 Wisdom: 202 Developer: Disabled

Specifically, he focused on the Title field.

Yeah, that was definitely the same guy.

He'd called himself a hero.

Carl began typing again. He selected a field from a different, lower level character table that he'd never had the need to interact with. It was a table he knew existed because he'd read the database schema for every database in use at the company.

Of course he had.

He was Carl Weathers.

Database administration was…

He sighed.

Database administration really shouldn't be his business—he should be able to hire people to manage that eventually—but it was for the time being, so…

He checked the results.

Name: Normannus Dead: Enabled

His lips quirked up into a small smile. At least physics bugs were good for something. Although…

His plan had been to toggle this flag and then reset the character's stats to 1. Nothing was worse for an apparent power-gamer—which these stats seemed to imply he was—than having all that work undone. Even being banned from the game, which he wasn't completely confident the GMs would decide to do if he fired up expedite.sh—and anything less would be Unacceptable—wasn't quite as bad as having everyone you knew find out you were back to being a noob. Nothing was worse than that.

But now that Carl considered it, there was maybe one thing that was worse.

Hitting an unfixable game bug that left you unable to play a game that you'd sunk a ton of time into—now that was worse.

His fingers moved around on the keyboard once more.

He began by opening a new shell.

He entered his sixty four character password to gain dbadmin privileges.

An update command was entered into the prompt that he'd opened with elevated privileges.

Carl decided that there was no room for errors, so he invoked his second-most powerful technique: he quadruple-checked the command before executing it.

The command succeeded.

He closed out of the database prompt and shell, then returned to his read-only database prompt and entered a new query to select a slightly different set of table fields from a number of tables.

The result appeared.

Name: Normannus Pronouns: He/Him Title:   Level: 1 Health: 1 Strength: 1 Agility: 1 Stamina: 1 Intelligence: 1 Wisdom: 1 Dead: Enabled Resurrectable: Disabled

Carl began nodding to himself. He took a breath and let it out, finding it to be very satisfying. His anger finally started to fade away.

He wasn't a fighter.

He wasn't a lawyer either.

He had no idea who this guy was.

What he did know was that there was no way he, a father, could do nothing after hearing what he had.

Maybe it wasn't enough.

He'd considered taking different actions, but most of those ended with the need for Ir'alith and Mina to provide legal statements outside the game, and he didn't want to force them into that position.

This was the only thing that he could do on his own.

I did what I could. Carl sighed again, then picked up the core and logged out of his database prompt and shell to dismiss his keyboard. Not as satisfying as I wanted, and I'm still pretty pissed, but… Maybe I'll come up with something else.

"Did you ban him?" asked the core.

Carl grinned a little. "You're pretty obsessed with bans, huh?"

"He should be banned," the core said with finality.

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"He should," Carl agreed. But even if it's a crime in real life, the "It's just a game!" defense is probably viable in court. The depressing thought dampened his already not-too-happy mood. Definitely gonna look into it though. Vaguely remember seeing some news items related to this that I was ignoring…

"I'd ban him if I could," the core said in a morose voice. "Sorry for not being able to."

Carl rubbed his thumb over the core affectionately. "I know you would. Don't worry about it, partner."

The core vibrated softly in his hand.

He looked over at the axe, but it was just resting on the ground and looking at him. "You okay, Seth'tith?" he called, starting over towards it.

There was no reply.

"I think maybe he had a spell that let him talk," the core said in its usual librarian-pushing-up-glasses voice that Carl now thought maybe actually sounded pretty smart. "It's gone now, so he can only listen."

The eye on the axe moved up and down.

Carl shook his head, giving Seth'tith an understanding look. So usually he can only speak to Ir'alith in game outside of messaging? Now that's a father's love. "You okay like this, or…"

The eye on the axe moved up and down again.

He shrugged. "Okay, suit yourself." He reached down and picked up the axe in his free hand, then walked over to Mina's body. "Actually…" He moved to the destroyed side of the room and frowned down at the core. "What's going on with this? I thought you said you were making the walls super strong?"

"I did!" the core exclaimed.

Carl looked at the wall that looked like it had easily been blown apart, then down at the core with overt skepticism. "Really?"

"Yes!" the core said, now sounding upset.

Carl set the axe down—right side up, of course—next to the wall, then reached down and grabbed a piece of stone that had fallen out of the hole. He brought it up next to the core and squeezed.

Predictably, the stone wasn't actually that hard, and it crumbled in his hand.

"WHAT?!" the core shouted. "But—"

"It's okay," Carl said, shaking his hand off and petting the core again with his thumb. "Look, we're both new at making dungeons. Mistakes can happen to anyone."

"I really thought I made it impossible to break," the core sulked.

"You'll just have to work on it." This core isn't so bad after all. It's kinda noob just like me. That's cute. Ugh, I'm not really in the mood to do dungeoneering anymore. He glanced at the clock in the corner of his vision. It's been like, twelve hours or something too somehow. Still need to figure that out at some point. I should probably get back to work. Can't put off this perf analysis forever.

He grimaced. Yup, that's what being a responsible adult is about. I took some time off to relax—definitely just a little while—and now I've gotta get back to it. Even though it wasn't that relaxing. Then again…

He started reviewing the time that he'd spent in the game. I drove around for a while, and that was pretty relaxing. Had that fun drive with Ir'alith—also pretty relaxing in a certain sense. Got some dungeoneering in… Was relaxing at times. I bonded with Ir'alith's dad, who's actually not so bad. Oh, and then there was that Annie illusion thing, which was really just what I needed…

He rubbed his beard. Okay, maybe it was pretty relaxing. Just this last part wasn't. Not how I wanted to end it, but then again, I didn't even get any fishing in this time. Gonna have to do that next time for sure. He glanced at the core, which seemed to be waiting very patiently for him to get back to making their dungeon, which he wanted to make so Bobby could play in it but really didn't feel like working on anymore.

It was at this moment that another genius idea came to Carl, one that only the person possessing both the Unrivaled Efficiency and the Laziness Is A Feature passive skills could possibly think of.

"Core," Carl said slowly, "what if I put you down and let you keep making the dungeon for a bit while I took care of some other stuff?"

"No, it's against the rules for a core to act as a dungeon master."

"C'mon, partner. I'm the dungeon master, right?"

"Yes…"

"And we're partners, right?"

"That's true…"

"And we're not gonna stop being partners, right?"

"The dungeon would cease to exist if that happened."

"Yeah, exactly, and we can't let that happen. But what I'm saying here is you can work on the dungeon by yourself, and—"

"No, the dungeon master must direct the creation of the dungeon."

"Okay, okay, but what if I direct you to create the most awesome, challenging, rule-following dungeon you can while I'm gone?"

"Well…"

"You're still the dungeon core if I do that, right? And you're following directions."

"I suppose this is true…"

"And I'm sure you know way more about making good dungeons than I do anyway."

"I would never insult you, Carl."

"No need to be modest, core. You might be a little noob at actually making the dungeon with this little wall failure—"

"Urk…"

"—but that just means you've still got more potential for growth, doesn't it?"

"I… Yes! Yes, of course I do!"

"You're not just some regular core, are you?"

"I'm not!"

"What kind of core are—"

"I'm a moderator core!"

"That's right, partner. And I'll bet a moderator core like you can make the best dungeon of all time."

"It would follow the rules?"

"Gotta follow the rules, core."

"Yes! The rules must be followed! I'll—No, wait, what about the treasure at the heart of the dungeon?"

"Oh. Uh…"

"You can just give me whatever you—"

"No, no, I can't just give you the treasure, core."

"But having a valid dungeon with no treasure is against dungeon rules!"

"Who enforces those rules?"

"I do, and the other moderator c—"

"How many other moderator cores are there?"

"…It seems I'm the only one left."

"Are you gonna ban yourself if you break the rules?"

"I cannot…"

"So…"

"But I must follow the rules!"

"Of course, of course, and I definitely wasn't saying you should break the rules, obviously, because nothing is more important to me than following the rules."

"Of course. I knew you understood."

"But at the same time, does the treasure really have to be at the heart of the dungeon?"

"I'm…not sure what you mean."

"For example, suppose I told you the treasure is directly above us right now. It's outside the dungeon, right? But it would still be the dungeon's treasure."

"Hm… I…suppose that isn't against the rules—"

"Alright, but the treasure isn't actually directly above us, it's actually really far away right now, and—"

"You don't have any treasure for our dungeon, do you, Carl?"

"Look, core. I don't just—"

"I understand, Carl."

"Er, you do?"

"Yes. You saw in me a kindred, rule-following spirit, and you rushed to activate me without considering whether you were capable of creating a dungeon."

"Well…"

"You didn't even read the documentation beforehand."

"I didn't even know there was documentation…"

"But you have opened my mind, Carl! As you said, if our dungeon's treasure were directly above us, it would still be our dungeon's treasure!"

"Uh…"

"And by this tenet, any treasures above us could be our dungeon's treasure!"

"Well, I'm not sure—"

"And you said you would direct me to create the most awesome, challenging, rule-following dungeon I could!"

"I did say—"

"And in order to be a rule-following dungeon, we must have treasure!"

"I think I see where you're—"

"I will find our treasure! I will seek out the most powerful, valuable treasure in existence and place it in the heart of our dungeon, and our dungeon will be the most awesome, challenging, rule-following dungeon I can create! It will be the most awesome, challenging, rule-following dungeon ever!"

"Y-yeah… Actually, yeah! That's right, core! I knew you'd understand!"

"Of course I understand, Carl! We're like one mind in two bodies!"

"Well…"

"Yes, maybe that was too far."

"But still, core, the rules must be followed."

"They must!"

"And we'll always be partners."

"Forever!"

"Core, as the dungeon master, I hereby direct you to create the most awesome, challenging, rule-following dungeon that you can."

"I… I…"

"CORE, DO YOU ACCEPT THIS MISSION?"

"I ACCEPT! I ACCEPT! OUR DUNGEON WILL BE SPOKEN OF IN LEGENDS UNTIL THE SUNS BURN OUT AND THE STARS FADE FROM EXISTENCE!"

Carl knelt down and set the quivering dungeon core down carefully on the ground.

Nothing happened.

Carl stared at the core.

"I'm creating the dungeon in other directions so we can keep talking," the core said, its old lady voice unusually gentle.

"Oh," Carl said. He scratched his beard. "Well, great. I'm looking forward to seeing what you manage to come up with."

"You can visit any time, Carl," the core said, sounding pleased. "And maybe I'll come visit you, too!"

"Yeah," Carl said slowly. "Yeah, that'd… That'd be cool." He looked over at the wall. "Um, actually, while you're working, do you think you could make a tunnel to the surface for me here since there's already a hole in the wall?"

"Of course, Carl," the core said.

The wall melted away, and the room extended up and out at a dizzying pace that gave Carl a slight sense of vertigo. Maybe this was a bad idea. There's probably a reason why these core NPCs aren't supposed to be making their own dungeons. Eh, whatever, it seemed pretty cool at the end once I got a better feel for it.